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Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "The Third Station"A Flash Fiction Collection
23 total reviews
Comment from Curly Girly
This story held my attention right through to the end. It is well written. One typo:
If only she knew it was he love that made him hate her; pathetic.
Suggest:
If only she knew it was THE love that made him hate her; pathetic.
Was he dressed like a NZ All Black rugby player?...
now dressed in an all-black uniform, with his favorite insignia shinning in the light.
Or, was he dressed in a black uniform? Not sure.
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2014
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This story held my attention right through to the end. It is well written. One typo:
If only she knew it was he love that made him hate her; pathetic.
Suggest:
If only she knew it was THE love that made him hate her; pathetic.
Was he dressed like a NZ All Black rugby player?...
now dressed in an all-black uniform, with his favorite insignia shinning in the light.
Or, was he dressed in a black uniform? Not sure.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2014
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Thank you very much. Yes, it was a Nazi uniform.
Comment from djsaxon
A powerful and imaginative write. The piece is well spaced and as such, reader friendly. There are some punctuation issues throughout but they are easily fixed. eg "He didn't jerk his head around immediately,(.Time) time had taken away much of his speed and all of his reflexes. new sentence. Similarly, " Alois knew exactly what the man felt upon seeing the woman's tears, (.Nothing)nothing. Stronger I think.
Frankie accepts that Alois knows his name and doesn't question the fact. I think he should. Maybe after this... Frankie sat down despite his words. "How do you know my name?" he asked. Alois should simply ignore the question.
Good luck with the contest - DJ
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reply by the author on 03-Nov-2014
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A powerful and imaginative write. The piece is well spaced and as such, reader friendly. There are some punctuation issues throughout but they are easily fixed. eg "He didn't jerk his head around immediately,(.Time) time had taken away much of his speed and all of his reflexes. new sentence. Similarly, " Alois knew exactly what the man felt upon seeing the woman's tears, (.Nothing)nothing. Stronger I think.
Frankie accepts that Alois knows his name and doesn't question the fact. I think he should. Maybe after this... Frankie sat down despite his words. "How do you know my name?" he asked. Alois should simply ignore the question.
Good luck with the contest - DJ
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2014
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Thank you very much
Comment from mfowler
Excellent use of the prompt
The railway station and the ghost of Adolph provide the setting and character for this transition narrative
An evil woman beater meets an untimely death and is exposed to the ruminations of an old Nazi ghost
Evil and its implications are explored in the old man's homily
Excellent characterisations, especially of the old man
Fanciful, but imaginable scenario for transfer to death. Like the railway connection between the Jew trains and the transport of evil to the afterlife
Clever allusions to Adolph's character: can't ride the trains, can't read Ann Frank
Good luck in the prompt vote
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2014
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Excellent use of the prompt
The railway station and the ghost of Adolph provide the setting and character for this transition narrative
An evil woman beater meets an untimely death and is exposed to the ruminations of an old Nazi ghost
Evil and its implications are explored in the old man's homily
Excellent characterisations, especially of the old man
Fanciful, but imaginable scenario for transfer to death. Like the railway connection between the Jew trains and the transport of evil to the afterlife
Clever allusions to Adolph's character: can't ride the trains, can't read Ann Frank
Good luck in the prompt vote
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2014
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Thank you very much. Yes, I didn't want to get too deep into the Hitler thing, some people don't like even the sound of his name.