Comment from James Dooney

Excellent

I really like the story and how it flows along very nicely here. It builds up right from the start and goes right through. Very well done.

 Comment Written 02-Nov-2014

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reply by the author on 20-Feb-2015

Think you for the encouraging comments, James Dooney. I am happy you liked it.

Comment from djsaxon

Excellent

Good clarity in the narrative and through line. Solid abcbdb rhyme throughout that is never forced. Consistent 8-7 syllable count as long as we read both 'whirled' and 'smiled' as two syllables ie; 'whirl-ed', 'smil-ed'. I am not totally comfortable in doing so. Cheers - DJ

 Comment Written 02-Nov-2014

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reply by the author on 02-Nov-2014

You bring up a good point about pronunciation. It differs. It seemed right when I counted it because I say those words the way you I indicated. Thank you for the meter check DJ. That's why we post so another set of eyes can help us out. I've added a word to both of those lines. Thank you.

reply by djsaxon on 02-Nov-2014

Whew! I was concerned that I was being a little pedantic. I am far more comfortable with the edit. Now the meter is faultless. cheers - DJ

Comment from Drew Delaney

Excellent

Wow! This has to be difficult. I am amazed at your writing skill and at your story that is progressing along. You are so gifted in your wording. My, how fortunate you are. Blessings, and keep up the great work. Drew

 Comment Written 01-Nov-2014

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reply by the author on 02-Nov-2014

Thank you for the kind comments, Drew. You make me smile. I appreciate the encouragement.

Comment from tfawcus

Excellent

I love the way you use dialogue in this, e.g.:
"Most of all, my Lady Lily,
You will pay because you pry."
Lady Lily smiled sweetly.
"Joe, I'd like to see you try."
The story flows so easily and naturally. Quite a feat with the meter you have chosen!
One small spag...'he stood their grinning' otherwise perfect. Looking forward to the next instalment!


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 Comment Written 01-Nov-2014

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reply by the author on 02-Nov-2014

Thank you for the encouragement. I appreciate you mentioning the dialog. It feels like borrowing a method from prose, but it seemed to fit. After all it is a story. Thank you for sticking with it. Only one more part...I think. I only intended to write sixteen lines when I started.

reply by the author on 02-Nov-2014

Oh, and thank you for the SPAG catch as well. I appreciate it!

Comment from Neonewman

Excellent

Intriguing artwork above compliments this masterfully crafted piece you have delivered nicely. I will await the next chapter. God bless!

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 Comment Written 01-Nov-2014

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reply by the author on 02-Nov-2014

Thank you for the kind and encouraging comments. I hope the ending will be to
Your liking as well.