The Virus
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Emergence Written October 2014"Changing the world's attitudes
45 total reviews
Comment from lludlow
I like the idea and different perspectives, but it's way too fast for me. And you're jumping around from one couple to the next too quickly. Let us get to know and like one couple, before moving on to the next. Let us get settled and get a feel for the characters before throwing us into the virus.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2014
   |
I like the idea and different perspectives, but it's way too fast for me. And you're jumping around from one couple to the next too quickly. Let us get to know and like one couple, before moving on to the next. Let us get settled and get a feel for the characters before throwing us into the virus.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2014
-
I am trying to build the eventual reason. I will redo some of this. Thanks...John
Comment from c_lucas
Most deadly diseases are caused by man and his misuse of his environment. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2014
|
Most deadly diseases are caused by man and his misuse of his environment. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2014
-
More coming. Thanks...John
-
You're welcome, John. Charlie
Comment from lynglyng
Good story line. It is a very interesting read. I think it has great potential. I would enjoy it more if you slowed down the pace of the happenings and didn't have things jumping around so much. I really did like the story, it was a little confusing how you jump back and forth from one idea to another. Maybe tell about the couple in Athens and then go back to the boys planning a celebration. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2014
|
Good story line. It is a very interesting read. I think it has great potential. I would enjoy it more if you slowed down the pace of the happenings and didn't have things jumping around so much. I really did like the story, it was a little confusing how you jump back and forth from one idea to another. Maybe tell about the couple in Athens and then go back to the boys planning a celebration. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2014
-
The slowdown will happen after "Dawning". Thanks...John
Comment from padumachitta
Hi..a good beginning. You gave us a nice foundation for the characters and a bit of a hint as to the the rest. A scary virus and a new take on a helath scare. I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2014
|
Hi..a good beginning. You gave us a nice foundation for the characters and a bit of a hint as to the the rest. A scary virus and a new take on a helath scare. I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2014
-
Coming up. Thanks...John
Comment from Neonewman
Captivating artwork and the story is a fascinating take on a new virus. I enjoyed this story throughout its entirety.
God Bless!
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
|
Captivating artwork and the story is a fascinating take on a new virus. I enjoyed this story throughout its entirety.
God Bless!
Comment Written 26-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
-
Thanks much...John
Comment from Edward Buatois
Cogitator,
Thanks for sharing this. I think you have a good start. I think though that you're rushing the beginning.
This first chapter needs to be expanded into at least five chapters, if not ten.
The first five chapters would focus on the normal lives of the five sets of people your story's about. They don't have to be long; just enough for us to get to know them... basically, doing what you did with the first half of your chapter, but "show" us rather than "tell" us who they are and what they're doing. It will help make them relatable for the reader.
As for the "remaining' five chapters I'm recommending, that depends on whether you include their first contact with the virus in the first chapter for each set of people, or choose to make that a separate chapter.
I definitely think you should have a different chapter for each set of people. The only time you might put them in the same chapter is if they're going to interact in some way.
I hope this helps. :-)
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
|
Cogitator,
Thanks for sharing this. I think you have a good start. I think though that you're rushing the beginning.
This first chapter needs to be expanded into at least five chapters, if not ten.
The first five chapters would focus on the normal lives of the five sets of people your story's about. They don't have to be long; just enough for us to get to know them... basically, doing what you did with the first half of your chapter, but "show" us rather than "tell" us who they are and what they're doing. It will help make them relatable for the reader.
As for the "remaining' five chapters I'm recommending, that depends on whether you include their first contact with the virus in the first chapter for each set of people, or choose to make that a separate chapter.
I definitely think you should have a different chapter for each set of people. The only time you might put them in the same chapter is if they're going to interact in some way.
I hope this helps. :-)
Comment Written 26-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
-
I truly appreciate the time you took to help. I have a penchant for jumping to conclusions...John
-
Thanks for the reviewer vote!
Keep writing!
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I have been on holiday, so I missed this, so pleased I have begun at the beginning. This looks to be a really good read. I love stories like this. And I like the way you have given us the names and lifestyles of all the characters you are writing about. Good start! :) Sandra
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
|
I have been on holiday, so I missed this, so pleased I have begun at the beginning. This looks to be a really good read. I love stories like this. And I like the way you have given us the names and lifestyles of all the characters you are writing about. Good start! :) Sandra
Comment Written 26-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
-
Thank you much...John
Comment from Jay Squires
Plenty of suspense and drama. A lot of open questions, needing answers.
Ease up on the expenses." Roy says. [Comma after "expenses" instead of a period. This is because it's a dialogue tag. If you said, on the other hand, "Roy smiled." you can leave "expenses" with a period after it.]
The virus had permeated the world. It would blind everyone. [Personally, I would leave this off and let it slowly unfold in the drama of the story, not told as narrative.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
|
Plenty of suspense and drama. A lot of open questions, needing answers.
Ease up on the expenses." Roy says. [Comma after "expenses" instead of a period. This is because it's a dialogue tag. If you said, on the other hand, "Roy smiled." you can leave "expenses" with a period after it.]
The virus had permeated the world. It would blind everyone. [Personally, I would leave this off and let it slowly unfold in the drama of the story, not told as narrative.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
-
Thank you for the help...John
-
You're welcome.
Comment from onebrit
I think I must be reading this backwards as it were, just the way it came up in the feed. And since I know whats coming in the next chapter Im kind of ahead of the game! Which is good. I love the Helen Keller quote...truth!
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
|
I think I must be reading this backwards as it were, just the way it came up in the feed. And since I know whats coming in the next chapter Im kind of ahead of the game! Which is good. I love the Helen Keller quote...truth!
Comment Written 25-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
-
The dawning is next. Thank you...John
Comment from amahra
corporation employing thousands.["...corporation that employed thousands."]
This sounds like it's really going to be good. It's something different on here to read. We have romance, science fiction, fantasy thrillers, westerns, and non-fiction. Your story being added will be quite a change.
until Maggie came into his life[.] to end that.[I don't think you need, "...to end that."]
"Jeremy! I'm seeing the same thing. Let's go see the doctor now!"[That's quite a quick shift from their eyes suddenly becoming blurry and for them to rushed to the doctor. I think they need a little more time to realized they may need a doctor. Or maybe something more drastic, like becoming dizzy and not being able to stand or something.}
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
|
corporation employing thousands.["...corporation that employed thousands."]
This sounds like it's really going to be good. It's something different on here to read. We have romance, science fiction, fantasy thrillers, westerns, and non-fiction. Your story being added will be quite a change.
until Maggie came into his life[.] to end that.[I don't think you need, "...to end that."]
"Jeremy! I'm seeing the same thing. Let's go see the doctor now!"[That's quite a quick shift from their eyes suddenly becoming blurry and for them to rushed to the doctor. I think they need a little more time to realized they may need a doctor. Or maybe something more drastic, like becoming dizzy and not being able to stand or something.}
Comment Written 25-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
-
Little glitches to be corrected. Thanks for improving me...John