Black Sky, Red Sun
Drifter with a story to tell.28 total reviews
Comment from Dean Kuch
Sounds like a hard life, but at least he has his freedom. Lots of bad, bad luck in that family too. Daddy killed in the war fighting the Germans' baby sister murdered, and momma soon after that. No wonder the guy wanted to hop the rails and get outta Dodge ASAP.
An excellent entry for this contest, I would think.
Best of luck to you! :}
"I've little else to doriddin' ridin' the rails." -->I believe you meant "ridin'" the rails here, Mikey, as in riding.
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Sounds like a hard life, but at least he has his freedom. Lots of bad, bad luck in that family too. Daddy killed in the war fighting the Germans' baby sister murdered, and momma soon after that. No wonder the guy wanted to hop the rails and get outta Dodge ASAP.
An excellent entry for this contest, I would think.
Best of luck to you! :}
"I've little else to do
Comment Written 13-Sep-2014
Comment from Selina Stambi
A surreal, spooky sort of read, Mikey. You set the stage well for whatever is going to come next.
Has a creepy feel to it .. yikes!
Hope you've been having a good weekend.
Sonai :)
say, "(M)y muse and I were in tune
We won, but (D)addy, well, he lost. Momma
her hat on what (D)addy provided
Kellyscreek, Georgia(,) right by the little pond
I waited (till/ 'til) after midnight
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A surreal, spooky sort of read, Mikey. You set the stage well for whatever is going to come next.
Has a creepy feel to it .. yikes!
Hope you've been having a good weekend.
Sonai :)
say, "(M)y muse and I were in tune
We won, but (D)addy, well, he lost. Momma
her hat on what (D)addy provided
Kellyscreek, Georgia(,) right by the little pond
I waited (till/ 'til) after midnight
Comment Written 13-Sep-2014
Comment from Jay Squires
I really enjoyed this, Mikey. You are adept at handling dialect. It makes it more difficult to rate for SPAG, but that's not the point. Your narrative flows well, comfortably conversational.
his .main claim [I don't know why there's a period before "main"]
I've little else to do riddin' the rails.[RIDIN' the rails.]
there was that awful busineess [awful bUSINESS >> I know this is in dialect, but I don't see any reason you'd spell it thus.]
I hope this is going to be a regular series here. I like it.
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I really enjoyed this, Mikey. You are adept at handling dialect. It makes it more difficult to rate for SPAG, but that's not the point. Your narrative flows well, comfortably conversational.
his .main claim [I don't know why there's a period before "main"]
I've little else to do riddin' the rails.[RIDIN' the rails.]
there was that awful busineess [awful bUSINESS >> I know this is in dialect, but I don't see any reason you'd spell it thus.]
I hope this is going to be a regular series here. I like it.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2014
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Good story, if a bit gruesome... all those murders. Just a few things...
>>two-years-old
No hyphens wanted there, only if it comes before a noun, like 'two-year-old child'
>>what daddy provided
Daddy needs a capital letter there bec it's used alone. If you put MY, YOUR, OUR, etc in front of it, then no cap needed. Same for Momma/momma.
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Good story, if a bit gruesome... all those murders. Just a few things...
>>two-years-old
No hyphens wanted there, only if it comes before a noun, like 'two-year-old child'
>>what daddy provided
Daddy needs a capital letter there bec it's used alone. If you put MY, YOUR, OUR, etc in front of it, then no cap needed. Same for Momma/momma.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2014
Comment from Michaelk
You had such a great setup that I kept waiting for his to just nonchalantly say, 'oh, by the by, I killed my momma and sister.'
So naturally, with that in mind, I was holding my breath through most of this story.
Excellent character. He described everything we needed to know without making it seem like exposition. I was hooked and reeled in quickly, and stayed on the hook right to the 'end?'
This contest was simply evil. Of course I want to hear the rest of the story, but that probably isn't going to happen.
Oh well, a great story anyway.
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2014
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You had such a great setup that I kept waiting for his to just nonchalantly say, 'oh, by the by, I killed my momma and sister.'
So naturally, with that in mind, I was holding my breath through most of this story.
Excellent character. He described everything we needed to know without making it seem like exposition. I was hooked and reeled in quickly, and stayed on the hook right to the 'end?'
This contest was simply evil. Of course I want to hear the rest of the story, but that probably isn't going to happen.
Oh well, a great story anyway.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2014
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"Oh, by the way, I killed my momma and sister. If you're wonderin', I killed the Kittles and burnt their cat too!" Maybe I'll finish it. I did come to like the guy by the time I got to the end. I like that part of him being "off" is hearing songs too. The reviewer before you gave me a three! I believe you. Hahaha. Thank you kindly. miey
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I don't understand that, it was delightful, and being so carefree, this kid could've said anything and we would've just smiled and nodded, 'Yep, I heard that.'
Please go on with this. I know you are busier than I am with writing, but this character is a keeper.
Comment from SkirtCrash
I really liked what this story could have been but I got lost where the characters were.There was so much happening with all of them but cut short to an explanation.
Keep on writing as I was interested to keep reading your piece to the end.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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I really liked what this story could have been but I got lost where the characters were.There was so much happening with all of them but cut short to an explanation.
Keep on writing as I was interested to keep reading your piece to the end.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2014
Comment from onebrit
Oh this poor kid, he must be so lonely always hoping his Mama is at the next stop. His only possessions are his songs. I wish you would expand this as I want to know what happened to him. Good luck.
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Oh this poor kid, he must be so lonely always hoping his Mama is at the next stop. His only possessions are his songs. I wish you would expand this as I want to know what happened to him. Good luck.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2014
Comment from Jackreese
This was the beginning of a great story it was intriguing and full of backstory. I felt bad for the main character who seemed to never catch a break. Good job on this and Im hoping to see more.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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This was the beginning of a great story it was intriguing and full of backstory. I felt bad for the main character who seemed to never catch a break. Good job on this and Im hoping to see more.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2014