haibun (a needed rest)
haibun-contest entry34 total reviews
Comment from gypsycaravan
I generally don't enjoy poetry, but what beautiful visions you produced for me, michaelcahill. If I had to follow all the direction to write, I'd be nuts, okay, nuttier. Great job, especially with the haiku. Terrific.
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I generally don't enjoy poetry, but what beautiful visions you produced for me, michaelcahill. If I had to follow all the direction to write, I'd be nuts, okay, nuttier. Great job, especially with the haiku. Terrific.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
Comment from Nosha17
Very nice imagery for your prose/poem. Good descriptive language and then the lovers are added to the peaceful scene. Well chosen words to convey your thoughts. Good luck in the contest. Faye
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Very nice imagery for your prose/poem. Good descriptive language and then the lovers are added to the peaceful scene. Well chosen words to convey your thoughts. Good luck in the contest. Faye
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
Comment from Linda Engel
What a set of rules! You followed the guidelines with the most descriptive images. The scene is alive and bursting with movement. Eden in its perfection. And as the sun sets, so lies the couple. All is well with the world till with the morning light evil approaches. Man commeth (probably more ways than one) as sin rises in her sultry form. We know the rest of the story.
Your Haiku is well chosen for the Haibun. I've not written
either form before but after reading the rules and reading your entry I have a much better understanding.
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What a set of rules! You followed the guidelines with the most descriptive images. The scene is alive and bursting with movement. Eden in its perfection. And as the sun sets, so lies the couple. All is well with the world till with the morning light evil approaches. Man commeth (probably more ways than one) as sin rises in her sultry form. We know the rest of the story.
Your Haiku is well chosen for the Haibun. I've not written
either form before but after reading the rules and reading your entry I have a much better understanding.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
Comment from JuneYvonne
Brilliant! I love this Michael - what a clever idea so well executed, and I'm not even religious! I had considered entering this contest until I read your entry and knew there was no way I could top it.
Perhaps my only tiny criticism would be the title which sounds a bit clunky to me. I liked it better the first time I read it when it was "A Brief Rest" or something similar, but even that doesn't quite do it for me. Maybe just " On The Seventh Day" (I think that was when He rested wasn't it?
Anyway - I don't think the title is that important really. In my opinion you have written a first class haibun and you'll be very hard to beat. Good luck in the contest.
June
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2014
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Brilliant! I love this Michael - what a clever idea so well executed, and I'm not even religious! I had considered entering this contest until I read your entry and knew there was no way I could top it.
Perhaps my only tiny criticism would be the title which sounds a bit clunky to me. I liked it better the first time I read it when it was "A Brief Rest" or something similar, but even that doesn't quite do it for me. Maybe just " On The Seventh Day" (I think that was when He rested wasn't it?
Anyway - I don't think the title is that important really. In my opinion you have written a first class haibun and you'll be very hard to beat. Good luck in the contest.
June
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2014
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Hi June. I knew I was up so insanely late for some reason. So you could make my night!! I am so delighted that you got this completely on the money. You're right about the title. I keep changing it. Maybe "A Needed Rest". I still have some time. If the rest of it is clear enough then maybe I don't have to make the title so obvious. Well, I have cartwheels to do and neighborhoods to awaken! Thank you so much for the great review and all the stars. Big smiles! mikey
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I changed it to: haibun (a needed rest). I'll keep thinking about it. If you have an idea let me know! mikey
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Well done, Mikey. You certainly captured the aha moment with your haiku. I thought it was very effective and really set off your total haibun. I thought it was all well written. Good luck for the competition, Giddy
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Well done, Mikey. You certainly captured the aha moment with your haiku. I thought it was very effective and really set off your total haibun. I thought it was all well written. Good luck for the competition, Giddy
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
but man cometh
Wow, what a terrific ending to the haiku part... sums up the world's problems, doesn't it? Tigers and buffaloes will never destroy the planet. Neither will owls and fish. Only mankind can do that.
Great examples with nice alliteration. My favorite line is this:
A curious woodchuck wiggles a wet snout.
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but man cometh
Wow, what a terrific ending to the haiku part... sums up the world's problems, doesn't it? Tigers and buffaloes will never destroy the planet. Neither will owls and fish. Only mankind can do that.
Great examples with nice alliteration. My favorite line is this:
A curious woodchuck wiggles a wet snout.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
Comment from CR Delport
I can't wait to see some fresh earth after a summer rain. We had enough of this long winter now. NOt so cold, but dry and dusty. This is well done. Good luck.
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I can't wait to see some fresh earth after a summer rain. We had enough of this long winter now. NOt so cold, but dry and dusty. This is well done. Good luck.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
Comment from ProjectBluebook
Woo -- I'm almost overwhelmed. A lot of rules to break. Honestly, I never done one of these beauties. However, I welcome the challenge. See you like challenges too. Thus far, you have meet every rule that I have read. Looks like you did your research thoroughly. I'm a learner on this version of haiku and prose with lots of guidelines. I guess the sixth day man came and spoiled it. i see no mistake, as i read te rules and glance at your haibun. Seems you have followed the rules. staccato like. Four paragraphs. it's present tense. i believe you pulled it off, not sure I could? Count your doubloon. do loco
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Woo -- I'm almost overwhelmed. A lot of rules to break. Honestly, I never done one of these beauties. However, I welcome the challenge. See you like challenges too. Thus far, you have meet every rule that I have read. Looks like you did your research thoroughly. I'm a learner on this version of haiku and prose with lots of guidelines. I guess the sixth day man came and spoiled it. i see no mistake, as i read te rules and glance at your haibun. Seems you have followed the rules. staccato like. Four paragraphs. it's present tense. i believe you pulled it off, not sure I could? Count your doubloon. do loco
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
Comment from nordicgirl
I believe you have nailed the rules if I have read them correctly. The world was indeed perfect until that fateful sixth day when man arrived. Yes, the rest was brief!!! The prose is amazing in its imagery and alliteration. This is a style designed for you.
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I believe you have nailed the rules if I have read them correctly. The world was indeed perfect until that fateful sixth day when man arrived. Yes, the rest was brief!!! The prose is amazing in its imagery and alliteration. This is a style designed for you.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2014
Comment from drivenbackward
This has become a popular form on Fanstory, and it's fun to read. This was strong, especially the italics, but that's just my opinion. Enjoyed! Wish I had more. I'm just not very good at reviewing poetry.
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This has become a popular form on Fanstory, and it's fun to read. This was strong, especially the italics, but that's just my opinion. Enjoyed! Wish I had more. I'm just not very good at reviewing poetry.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2014
