lune (the bee)
ouch...32 total reviews
Comment from Domino 2
Maybe you shouldn't have worn 'Honey Number 5', or on the other hand, maybe it wasn't your perfume, and Mr Bee was just being amorous. ;-)
Cute read.
Best wishes, Ray
  |
Maybe you shouldn't have worn 'Honey Number 5', or on the other hand, maybe it wasn't your perfume, and Mr Bee was just being amorous. ;-)
Cute read.
Best wishes, Ray
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
LOL! Ouch, indeed! Love this! Having been stung by a honeybee, and wasps as a kid, yep, been there done that.
Good, good luck in the contest! This is a definite keeper!
Cheers & Keep Smilin'.... Jax
|
LOL! Ouch, indeed! Love this! Having been stung by a honeybee, and wasps as a kid, yep, been there done that.
Good, good luck in the contest! This is a definite keeper!
Cheers & Keep Smilin'.... Jax
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
Comment from mermaids
I am glad you are okay. The poem creates a vivid image and I like the last line he decides I'm lunch. You make the bee a character here in a story. Excellent lone form.
|
I am glad you are okay. The poem creates a vivid image and I like the last line he decides I'm lunch. You make the bee a character here in a story. Excellent lone form.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
Comment from Dean Kuch
Whoa, no doubt it was an very interesting couple of hours. Was it a honeybee, or a bumble?
I get stung by bumble bees at least once a week here as our ground is full of nests. Not a place for you, that's for certain, and thank goodness no one in my family has adverse reactions to bee stings.
Great little lune. I wish you the best of luck in the contest, and avoiding bees in the future, LOL...
|
Whoa, no doubt it was an very interesting couple of hours. Was it a honeybee, or a bumble?
I get stung by bumble bees at least once a week here as our ground is full of nests. Not a place for you, that's for certain, and thank goodness no one in my family has adverse reactions to bee stings.
Great little lune. I wish you the best of luck in the contest, and avoiding bees in the future, LOL...
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
Comment from Joan E.
Ouch! You certainly captured the moment with your vivid description in this tiny verse. The artwork is quite reinforcing too. I'm sorry this work is based on your recent, personal experience. Take care and best wishes to us both in the contest- Joan
|
Ouch! You certainly captured the moment with your vivid description in this tiny verse. The artwork is quite reinforcing too. I'm sorry this work is based on your recent, personal experience. Take care and best wishes to us both in the contest- Joan
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
Comment from Val Crisson
Very cute lune, and since it seems most of these entries don't even begin to look like American haiku (lune), it might be one of the few that actually relates to nature. To bad the author became "lunch"
|
Very cute lune, and since it seems most of these entries don't even begin to look like American haiku (lune), it might be one of the few that actually relates to nature. To bad the author became "lunch"
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
Comment from Eric1
Ha Ha Ha, this is so funny, we have all been eating Al fresco when a Bee has had the same idea! the artistry you have chosen is absolutely right for your Lune, good luck!
|
Ha Ha Ha, this is so funny, we have all been eating Al fresco when a Bee has had the same idea! the artistry you have chosen is absolutely right for your Lune, good luck!
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
Comment from Jean Lutz
Your picture suggests "Bee Happy", but as your words say it can come with a sting. I hope you are recovering well and maybe a contest win would be a good salve. Best wishes.
|
Your picture suggests "Bee Happy", but as your words say it can come with a sting. I hope you are recovering well and maybe a contest win would be a good salve. Best wishes.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
Comment from mfowler
This lune seems to smile ironically at me, like that damned bee in the picture. He is going to bite, because he's a blind bee who thinks I'm lunch, but I'm not a flower. Pardon me, I got carried away with the funny side of your original lune. Best of luck in the contest and avoiding the sting.
|
This lune seems to smile ironically at me, like that damned bee in the picture. He is going to bite, because he's a blind bee who thinks I'm lunch, but I'm not a flower. Pardon me, I got carried away with the funny side of your original lune. Best of luck in the contest and avoiding the sting.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
Comment from The Death
Hi, mystery writer.
Very funny interpretation of a painful accident...hehe!
As you are allergic to them, it surely would have been terrible for you.
bee sees me and lands
likes perfume
he decides I'm lunch
Good word economy here. The three lines are distinct and together narrate that event in a humorous way. Though, there is no rule regarding interconnection of the lines in a line, I've an optional suggestion which won't change the context at all and enhance the fluidity.
Consider:
perfume lover bee
lands on me
he decides I'm lunch
You'll have 'bee/me' rhyming this way, but it's only optional. You're free to have it as such.
Good use of S consonance and I assonance in the original write. That artwork adds to the fun. Enjoyed reading this.
Good luck! :)
Regards,
Anupam
|
Hi, mystery writer.
Very funny interpretation of a painful accident...hehe!
As you are allergic to them, it surely would have been terrible for you.
bee sees me and lands
likes perfume
he decides I'm lunch
Good word economy here. The three lines are distinct and together narrate that event in a humorous way. Though, there is no rule regarding interconnection of the lines in a line, I've an optional suggestion which won't change the context at all and enhance the fluidity.
Consider:
perfume lover bee
lands on me
he decides I'm lunch
You'll have 'bee/me' rhyming this way, but it's only optional. You're free to have it as such.
Good use of S consonance and I assonance in the original write. That artwork adds to the fun. Enjoyed reading this.
Good luck! :)
Regards,
Anupam
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014