Lifer
Some prisons are not so bad;depends on the jailor22 total reviews
Comment from evrenios
I enjoyed this story - the idea of being entrapped by the mother and later, the daughter was a nice touch. I also liked your metaphor of matrimony being a ship - complete with barnacles. There were a few minor places that could be cleaned up: "Excitement left, six months after the vows" (Leave out the comma - unnecessary here). The other place that doesn't read a smoothly as it could: "she came, read and leaned against the wall crying. I would leave out the "she came, read and" She leaned against the wall, crying is sufficient and cleaner. Also - just a suggestion - usually we don't use a number in a work, but spell it out. 22 looks odd - (It would read better as twenty-two)
Good job!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
   |
I enjoyed this story - the idea of being entrapped by the mother and later, the daughter was a nice touch. I also liked your metaphor of matrimony being a ship - complete with barnacles. There were a few minor places that could be cleaned up: "Excitement left, six months after the vows" (Leave out the comma - unnecessary here). The other place that doesn't read a smoothly as it could: "she came, read and leaned against the wall crying. I would leave out the "she came, read and" She leaned against the wall, crying is sufficient and cleaner. Also - just a suggestion - usually we don't use a number in a work, but spell it out. 22 looks odd - (It would read better as twenty-two)
Good job!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
-
Thank you your suggestions are very helpful and kindly stated. I was trying very hard to keep to 100 hundred words so I'm sure some sentences were a bit "clipped" if you will. Thanks for reviewing so well and glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from queenv
You said it all, Daddy don't go. This touches my heart because my daddy did go and to this day the child in me still logs for my dad. The little girl is gorgeous.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
|
You said it all, Daddy don't go. This touches my heart because my daddy did go and to this day the child in me still logs for my dad. The little girl is gorgeous.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
-
I just read your first chapter (I assume it's the beginning of a book) and urge you to keep going. I'm so glad you have found the perfect Father and also understand His will in these matters. God bless you...