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Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "The Price of Freedom"A Flash Fiction Collection
40 total reviews
Comment from GWHARGIS
Geez, I wish those days when you could tell your kids to defend themselves were still here. I loved the Colonel and his advice. This politically correct, we're all winners and everyone gets a trophy has damaged the need to try to be the best in most of the United States. Good writing and a great story always get me on a rant. This was some great writing. Nice images and great characterization.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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Geez, I wish those days when you could tell your kids to defend themselves were still here. I loved the Colonel and his advice. This politically correct, we're all winners and everyone gets a trophy has damaged the need to try to be the best in most of the United States. Good writing and a great story always get me on a rant. This was some great writing. Nice images and great characterization.
Comment Written 29-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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Thank you eve much. Thank you very much. I miss those day too. I think we can bring them back, but it will take courage.
Comment from Spiritual Echo
Loved your story and am certain it's a winner for this contest. Brilliantly done.
Took a seat beside his grandpa....you wrote took a sit.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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Loved your story and am certain it's a winner for this contest. Brilliantly done.
Took a seat beside his grandpa....you wrote took a sit.
Comment Written 29-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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Thank you very much. I will fix that.
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An extremely deserving win! You should check out military magazines and send it in. Really, I was impressed with every part of the story. Hell, I even voted for it!
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Thank you again :)
Comment from Thatguypk
I think this is brilliantly written. I was completely caught up by the story, and the conclusion was almost as I expected. The moral point was forcefully made..... but I don't agree with it. What if a splinter of wood from the chair had put out the eye of one of the bullies? What if, when the child returns to school, the bullies take to his head with a baseball bat? I know it's the "military" way, but I don't believe that fighting aggression with aggression is always the best way. Sorry, that's all just an opinion, but I reiterate, a very well written piece!
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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I think this is brilliantly written. I was completely caught up by the story, and the conclusion was almost as I expected. The moral point was forcefully made..... but I don't agree with it. What if a splinter of wood from the chair had put out the eye of one of the bullies? What if, when the child returns to school, the bullies take to his head with a baseball bat? I know it's the "military" way, but I don't believe that fighting aggression with aggression is always the best way. Sorry, that's all just an opinion, but I reiterate, a very well written piece!
Comment Written 29-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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Thank you very much. I appreciate your position and the fact that you can separate it from your rating. Many can not do that.
Comment from Terra Dane
Yes, in a way that "just make friends thing" gets old and hurts kids far more than a good ol' fashioned punch in the face. And I think that is the only thing I would change. Jason should punch him like a man would. The chair sort of takes us into assault with a weapon. I think too that Grandpa in his time would have hauled off and socked the boy one.
Otherwise good write.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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Yes, in a way that "just make friends thing" gets old and hurts kids far more than a good ol' fashioned punch in the face. And I think that is the only thing I would change. Jason should punch him like a man would. The chair sort of takes us into assault with a weapon. I think too that Grandpa in his time would have hauled off and socked the boy one.
Otherwise good write.
Comment Written 29-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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Thank you very much
Comment from Ridley Williams
I relate to this story in a big way. I was a freshman in high school, big for my age and a target. Three guys stalked me for months before it came to a head. I fought back, split my attackers lip, while his friends stood there, doing nothing. After the inevitable trip to the principals office, this kid proceeds to tell me what a nice punch I got in! I had never meet that mentality before. I had been traumatized throughout the whole ordeal. This was a very poignant write dealing with effort involved with the price of freedom, nicely done, Ridley
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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I relate to this story in a big way. I was a freshman in high school, big for my age and a target. Three guys stalked me for months before it came to a head. I fought back, split my attackers lip, while his friends stood there, doing nothing. After the inevitable trip to the principals office, this kid proceeds to tell me what a nice punch I got in! I had never meet that mentality before. I had been traumatized throughout the whole ordeal. This was a very poignant write dealing with effort involved with the price of freedom, nicely done, Ridley
Comment Written 29-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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Thank you very much
Comment from Judy Couch
Wow! I really liked this. The story was easy to read and clearly supported the moral. Your right in your statement that every word is important. I don't mind losing a contest to someone who writes this well.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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Wow! I really liked this. The story was easy to read and clearly supported the moral. Your right in your statement that every word is important. I don't mind losing a contest to someone who writes this well.
Comment Written 29-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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Thank you very much, Judy. I have lost several to your skill and I'm sure I will again, but I like that you enter. It makes the contest better and makes me try harder.
Comment from adewpearl
Good character development through your dialogue. It is clear what the conflicting personalities and attitudes are in the child, the child's father and the child's grandfather. You explain well what has been going on in school and then what the grandfather advises the child do to stop the bullying. I totally and completely disagree with the grandfather's philosophy and with the story's POV that knocking out somebody's teeth is a good thing and with the philosophy that a grandparent should undermine the teachings of a parent, but that is not the point of a literary review. You convey your POV well, and that is what counts. Brooke
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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Good character development through your dialogue. It is clear what the conflicting personalities and attitudes are in the child, the child's father and the child's grandfather. You explain well what has been going on in school and then what the grandfather advises the child do to stop the bullying. I totally and completely disagree with the grandfather's philosophy and with the story's POV that knocking out somebody's teeth is a good thing and with the philosophy that a grandparent should undermine the teachings of a parent, but that is not the point of a literary review. You convey your POV well, and that is what counts. Brooke
Comment Written 29-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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Thank you very much, Brooke. You should give a class on the point of a literary review, or perhaps write one of your wonderful poems with a picture of the boy. He kills me :)
Comment from Tessa Kay
Loved reading your story. The Grandpa seems a real character. Everyone should have one of those.
What I did notice, though, is that you seem to be on the war-path with commas.
Here, you're a little too generous with the commas:
Omit after:
watched his grandson Jason..
His daughter Karen and her husband Jim were close behind,...
and by expressions on their faces he knew..
Good evening Jim,...
While we respect your service,..
My apologies Jim,...
It's ok Honey...
Okay son, but...
I understand Grandpa.
Jason is fine. Let's go inside. (Full stop, not comma)
None. You were right... (Full stop, not comma)
But Grandpa,...
Here, they are missing:
First time Jason sat down, his Grandpa turned..
Jason, having taken...to get the mail, stopped
When I sat back down,...
At the start your wrote 'took a sit' - took a seat
towards the end: that's when I grab.. - I grabbed..
Nevertheless, a very enjoyable story. All the best for the contest. :) Tessa
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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Loved reading your story. The Grandpa seems a real character. Everyone should have one of those.
What I did notice, though, is that you seem to be on the war-path with commas.
Here, you're a little too generous with the commas:
Omit after:
watched his grandson Jason..
His daughter Karen and her husband Jim were close behind,...
and by expressions on their faces he knew..
Good evening Jim,...
While we respect your service,..
My apologies Jim,...
It's ok Honey...
Okay son, but...
I understand Grandpa.
Jason is fine. Let's go inside. (Full stop, not comma)
None. You were right... (Full stop, not comma)
But Grandpa,...
Here, they are missing:
First time Jason sat down, his Grandpa turned..
Jason, having taken...to get the mail, stopped
When I sat back down,...
At the start your wrote 'took a sit' - took a seat
towards the end: that's when I grab.. - I grabbed..
Nevertheless, a very enjoyable story. All the best for the contest. :) Tessa
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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Thank you very much
Comment from N.K. Wagner
Both in construction and in message, this is an outstanding story. I enjoyed it very much and hope it's used to help a child stand up for him/herself when necessary. Well done. :) nancy
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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Both in construction and in message, this is an outstanding story. I enjoyed it very much and hope it's used to help a child stand up for him/herself when necessary. Well done. :) nancy
Comment Written 29-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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Thank you very much, Nancy. I really appreciate the six star review.
Comment from Sylvia Page
Hello,
Quite a nice story and a lesson taught. Good read. Here are some errors I spotted, you may want to change.
"Its three guys from the eighth grade.
Savannah Oak trees,
be left alone. "Jason's
with spit balls.
Good luck in the contest
Cheers,
Sylvia
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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Hello,
Quite a nice story and a lesson taught. Good read. Here are some errors I spotted, you may want to change.
"Its three guys from the eighth grade.
Savannah Oak trees,
be left alone. "Jason's
with spit balls.
Good luck in the contest
Cheers,
Sylvia
Comment Written 29-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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Thank you very much. I'll fix those.