Kidnapped
Can Janet afford to pay? Can she afford not too?42 total reviews
Comment from Steve Pantazis
Overall, the piece needs more conflict for the reader to think the ransom is real. Janet seems too unconcerned, with her 007 whimsical thoughts, so as the reader, I'm not concerned either. In fact, it makes me not care about your central character.
You have a POV (point of view) issue in this piece. "The voice stopped to let her words sink in for a moment. Satisfied that she had Janet's whole attention now, she carried on." We're in Janet's head, aren't we? How would we know that the voice was "satisfied"? Also, the voice says, "sorry to disturb your sleep". How would the voice know that? Are there video cameras set up, watching Mrs. Crow?
Another POV issue: "He had put a tracer on the undercarriage of her car, so they wouldn't be noticed when they followed her." Aren't we still in Janet's head?
If you fix the mechanics and add some more tension, I think the short story will work.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Overall, the piece needs more conflict for the reader to think the ransom is real. Janet seems too unconcerned, with her 007 whimsical thoughts, so as the reader, I'm not concerned either. In fact, it makes me not care about your central character.
You have a POV (point of view) issue in this piece. "The voice stopped to let her words sink in for a moment. Satisfied that she had Janet's whole attention now, she carried on." We're in Janet's head, aren't we? How would we know that the voice was "satisfied"? Also, the voice says, "sorry to disturb your sleep". How would the voice know that? Are there video cameras set up, watching Mrs. Crow?
Another POV issue: "He had put a tracer on the undercarriage of her car, so they wouldn't be noticed when they followed her." Aren't we still in Janet's head?
If you fix the mechanics and add some more tension, I think the short story will work.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Thank you, Steve, for your review. It was kind of you to take the time to read my long/short story. :) Sandra
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Yes this is well written my friend you tell the story well with lots of twists and turns I enjoyed my friend well done regards Jill
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Yes this is well written my friend you tell the story well with lots of twists and turns I enjoyed my friend well done regards Jill
Comment Written 22-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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OH thank you so much, Jill, that is so kind of you! xsx Sandra
Comment from Janice Canerdy
This is very well-written. The storyline is effectively created with careful attention to detail, the dialogue is good, and the ending is great.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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This is very well-written. The storyline is effectively created with careful attention to detail, the dialogue is good, and the ending is great.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much, Janice, I am so pleased you liked it. xsx Sandra
Comment from emjaihammond
I thought you wrote a very good not so short story. Your character development was really done well. You took your time in telling the story and I think that helps when things would be a bit confusing if you hurried it. It wouldn't have been as interesting if all the little things you did to set it up were not part of the story. I see this as a big success. I'm sure you may get complaints about the length. It may have been broken up if it were not part of a contest. Well written and held my interest quite well.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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I thought you wrote a very good not so short story. Your character development was really done well. You took your time in telling the story and I think that helps when things would be a bit confusing if you hurried it. It wouldn't have been as interesting if all the little things you did to set it up were not part of the story. I see this as a big success. I'm sure you may get complaints about the length. It may have been broken up if it were not part of a contest. Well written and held my interest quite well.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much for this really nice review, Emjaihammond! I am so pleased you enjoyed it. I have had mixed comments about the length, but I'm pleased to say many said it was just right. Others said I could cut it back a bit! LOL :) Sandra xsx
Comment from Sahana Kamath
"Kidnapped" has all the elements of a thriller; crime, mystery, suspense, excitement. I liked the flow of the story and the various emotions portrayed by Janet; the initial disbelief about Peter's kidnapping, feeling of vengeance when she realizes that he is actually kidnapped, her calm and cool attitude in handling the entire kidnapping episode.
Best part: "006 and a half spy". It had me giggling too.
There are some sentences that needs editing like
1. "Hi honey, what are you up too?". It should have been "to".
2. "if you would like to come into my office we will go thought it with you". It should have been "through".
3. "We both have our own passwords for our own accounts, but if this man is right and the details he has given me are true". In this sentence Janet addresses the kidnapper as a male whereas through out the story the kidnapper is portrayed as a female(Sonia).
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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"Kidnapped" has all the elements of a thriller; crime, mystery, suspense, excitement. I liked the flow of the story and the various emotions portrayed by Janet; the initial disbelief about Peter's kidnapping, feeling of vengeance when she realizes that he is actually kidnapped, her calm and cool attitude in handling the entire kidnapping episode.
Best part: "006 and a half spy". It had me giggling too.
There are some sentences that needs editing like
1. "Hi honey, what are you up too?". It should have been "to".
2. "if you would like to come into my office we will go thought it with you". It should have been "through".
3. "We both have our own passwords for our own accounts, but if this man is right and the details he has given me are true". In this sentence Janet addresses the kidnapper as a male whereas through out the story the kidnapper is portrayed as a female(Sonia).
Comment Written 22-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much for your kind review, Sahana, and for your helpful comments. I have made the corrections to the errors you found. The reason for the his/her mix-up, was because when I first started to write it, the kidnapper was a male. Later, I thought it would read better if he was a she. I missed that paragraph completely! Thank you for your help in finding it. xsx Sandra
Comment from IndianaIrish
Sandra, I enjoyed your story but do feel you need to edit and polish it up. For example, many of your descriptions don't give the reader credit for being able to understand and follow the story. In the first paragraph, for example, you say she grabbed the phone and put it to her ear. Where else would she put it? There are many of those kind of descriptions that are just not needed and tend to slow the story down. I don't think the story is too long, but with your tightening up of unneeded words and phrases, it will shorten the length a bit. Best wishes with this story if you decide to enter it in a contest again.
Smiles,
Karyn : )
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Sandra, I enjoyed your story but do feel you need to edit and polish it up. For example, many of your descriptions don't give the reader credit for being able to understand and follow the story. In the first paragraph, for example, you say she grabbed the phone and put it to her ear. Where else would she put it? There are many of those kind of descriptions that are just not needed and tend to slow the story down. I don't think the story is too long, but with your tightening up of unneeded words and phrases, it will shorten the length a bit. Best wishes with this story if you decide to enter it in a contest again.
Smiles,
Karyn : )
Comment Written 22-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Hy Karyn, it's not in a contest, just a story I put out to see what everyone thought of it. I understand what you are saying, and will look at it again. Thank you for taking the time to read it, it was long! LOL xsx
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi Sandra,
Kidnapped is a well written story with a great twist in the end. Your characters are strong and the setting well described.
One minor change at the beginning: "saw the phone ring."
She heard the phone ring.
Well done on your story, a solid read with good description.
Thanks for sharing.
Bye
Rosalyne
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Hi Sandra,
Kidnapped is a well written story with a great twist in the end. Your characters are strong and the setting well described.
One minor change at the beginning: "saw the phone ring."
She heard the phone ring.
Well done on your story, a solid read with good description.
Thanks for sharing.
Bye
Rosalyne
Comment Written 22-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much for your lovely review, Rosalyne, and for sharing your thoughts on my story. I will take a look at that! xsx Sandra
Comment from JohnnyQ
Hi. THis was a very fast paced, thrilling read. Don't apologize about the length, I enjoyed reading it!
One thing that I must point out is that you keep switching between male and female when you refer to the kidnapper.
I am guessing that you changed the gender at the last minute.
Also, how did the romance fit in between Hugh and Janet-this seems quite abrupt. Maybe you should elaborate on that in the course of the story, and remove certain redundant paragraphs.
And I am not sure how this works-if Janet did not know about his bank account which had the millions, he needn't have split it with her, right? Why go through the tedious and risky notion of pretending to be kidnapped?
I found a couple of spags: one is:
...alive, you will do exactly what I tell you too- tell you to. Not too.
On the whole, it was a very good read. Loved it! You should have entered the contest!! :)
P.S: THis was my honest review.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Hi. THis was a very fast paced, thrilling read. Don't apologize about the length, I enjoyed reading it!
One thing that I must point out is that you keep switching between male and female when you refer to the kidnapper.
I am guessing that you changed the gender at the last minute.
Also, how did the romance fit in between Hugh and Janet-this seems quite abrupt. Maybe you should elaborate on that in the course of the story, and remove certain redundant paragraphs.
And I am not sure how this works-if Janet did not know about his bank account which had the millions, he needn't have split it with her, right? Why go through the tedious and risky notion of pretending to be kidnapped?
I found a couple of spags: one is:
...alive, you will do exactly what I tell you too- tell you to. Not too.
On the whole, it was a very good read. Loved it! You should have entered the contest!! :)
P.S: THis was my honest review.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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LOL, I believe you! Thank you so much for your great input. This is what I asked for and I'm so pleased you took me to my word. If you had just put the first line, I wouldn't have known of the errors. Many of you picked up on my change of him/her. It started off as 'he' but I later thought it would fit in better if 'he' was a 'she'. But I missed a few. I have gone through it again and altered it and the too/to error. As to the bank accounts, in England, half of any money either of the married couple have, is shared out whether they are together or not. I tried to explain the reasons of Peter's thoughts when Hugh explained it to Janet. But I think I will go and take another look at it, to make it clearer in the end. Thank you again I really appreciated your remarks. My stories are most definitely not contest worthy yet, but thank you for saying it. :) xsx Sandra
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
It held my interest, altho we readers knew all along she wasn't going to give him any money, but a different bag. I see one problem... she took HIS money, and it depends on whether that state has community property laws or not whether she was allowed to take it or if it was stealing. But, from what you said about his having to share it with her IF and WHEN the marriage ended, sounds redundant.
I'd leave out a lot of very routine, obvious things like all of this: Janet reached for her car keys hanging up on a hook behind the hallway cupboard then went through the adjoining door from her utility room to the garage and climbed into her car. The garage door opened once she had pressed the remote control button.
We don't need to know how she got the car out of the garage, or even that she did, just put her at the bank, saying that she drove herself.
THe ending is too long. SHould be snappy and quick. Don't ever go past the "surprise" or the twist. To say that she and the policeman would be going away together doesn't make much sense, either, unless I missed something about them earlier.
The plot is basically a good one, but you shoud trim it down and eliminate anything unnecessary or not entertaining.
That's my honest opinion, just as you requested. :)
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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It held my interest, altho we readers knew all along she wasn't going to give him any money, but a different bag. I see one problem... she took HIS money, and it depends on whether that state has community property laws or not whether she was allowed to take it or if it was stealing. But, from what you said about his having to share it with her IF and WHEN the marriage ended, sounds redundant.
I'd leave out a lot of very routine, obvious things like all of this: Janet reached for her car keys hanging up on a hook behind the hallway cupboard then went through the adjoining door from her utility room to the garage and climbed into her car. The garage door opened once she had pressed the remote control button.
We don't need to know how she got the car out of the garage, or even that she did, just put her at the bank, saying that she drove herself.
THe ending is too long. SHould be snappy and quick. Don't ever go past the "surprise" or the twist. To say that she and the policeman would be going away together doesn't make much sense, either, unless I missed something about them earlier.
The plot is basically a good one, but you shoud trim it down and eliminate anything unnecessary or not entertaining.
That's my honest opinion, just as you requested. :)
Comment Written 22-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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I would never have read yours again, if you hadn't been anything less than honest, Phyllis. I will most definitely go over the story. I am just happy to have had you read it. How is yours coming along? In England, the law of the land is, Once you are married, everything is shared right down the middle, there are very few exceptions. If one has money, and the other doesn't, it doesn't matter. I don't know how American laws work, but I do know every state has different laws. I think! I am glad you liked the plot, and I am really pleased you told me what to get rid of. I am going to take a long hard look at it again. Thank you so much, dear, you are a good friend. xsx Sandra
Comment from Aussie
I liked the way that you jumped right into the situation of kidnapping her husband. I liked the physical descriptions such as 'Janet shifted her weight onto her left hip and folded her arms - body language says "I'm protecting myself." The detective says that he would soon have her husband home and the CONMAN it jail - the caller is a woman? I enjoyed the story with the red herring that didn't show it's head until the very end - well done mate.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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I liked the way that you jumped right into the situation of kidnapping her husband. I liked the physical descriptions such as 'Janet shifted her weight onto her left hip and folded her arms - body language says "I'm protecting myself." The detective says that he would soon have her husband home and the CONMAN it jail - the caller is a woman? I enjoyed the story with the red herring that didn't show it's head until the very end - well done mate.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much, Kay, that is so kind of you. I have changed his sex back to her! LOL. I am getting quite a lot of mixed reviews, most like it, but I have really got to work harder I think, if I am going to make it as a writer. Thank you also for the lovely 6 stars, you are a bright and brilliant star too! Thank you!!! xsx Sandra
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I thought your script was well written - never say no as far as becoming a writer. You have already had published two books. There is a contest in October - you should enter; starts with a sentence " We had to make the deadline" try it girl! Hugs, Kay.