Comment from Alankrita

Good

well written, good characterisation, fast paced. but what was the secret shared? how to order a drink or pay for the particular one?

 Comment Written 11-Jul-2013

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reply by the author on 11-Jul-2013

It seemed like a secret to Sherry, but Kiley was actually setting her up to order a drink with the promise of oral sex as payment. Thank you for reviewing.

Comment from Jean Lagace

Good

Can't make head or tale of that one. Kiley was once Bobby's girl friend. Then she "moved up"... to Sal (bed)? Morality: If your boss wants your girl, you indulge him. Who's doing the indulgence here? Bobby or Kiley? This looks to me like utter machoistic fantasy. A woman get to work for her lover's boss and she is expected to sleep with him if he condescends to show an interest...??? As for the scene at the bar and the BJ enigma, I am still wondering what it means. Well, perhaps it's my brain that is not functioning as good as it should. It happens some time.

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 Comment Written 11-Jul-2013

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reply by the author on 11-Jul-2013

I dislike 4's Jean, but seeing that you're no slouch (I've read some of your well-written pieces on this site) I accept it as my failure. This is a fluff story about a woman taking out her anger with her old boyfriend on his new girlfriend. The story suggests a mob connection and allows that RULES are to be followed. Kiley tricks Sherry into ordering an expensive drink for which she has promised a 'BJ' as payment. BJ refers to oral sex. It's a quick story with no deep meaning or lasting moral value. Thank you for giving it a look.

reply by Jean Lagace on 11-Jul-2013

I hate four too. I developed a theory on reviewing. On this site, the norm is five. Most who write here know what they are doing. So, in my book, one either pass other reader's scrutiny (5)or fail (4). Some zealots that "Writer Emeritus" Edward Baldwin in a charming little piece has called Grammaritans, Phrazyrians or Adverbolionists like to kill a piece with the calamitous 3 stars. Seven days ago, I was of the opinion never to give the six stars. And then, I revised my position. When I will find a piece that is really good, I will honoured it with that carrot. Now, as for your story... I don't mind spelling errors, improbable words disposition and such. Suffice to inform the author of the detected mistakes and not punish unfairly an otherwise good piece. What irritated me though is not getting a story easy or no story at all, like having no point that make some kind of sense. You might have been the victim of such a mood of mine. I am sorry to have miss the oral sex allusion and the mob connection. I might not be as cool as I thought I was. Hey, you must be smart because you sure know what button to touch in order to be remembered. You have read some of my stuff. I will revisit your page when I will know who you are and why, I could upgraded this infamous four. What do you say?

reply by the author on 11-Jul-2013

Thanks. I'd like that.

Comment from The Death

Excellent

Hello X
you have done a great job!!
My full attention was held by your interesting and flowing narrate.
From Kylie's entry to her fantastic exit and just suppose how Sherry's face would have been..haha.
You built the whole atmosphere and characters well.and i liked Kylie's attitude..hehe..what a girl.you did an excellent job.my vote goes to you

Regards
Shar-A

 Comment Written 11-Jul-2013

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reply by the author on 11-Jul-2013

Thank you Anupam for the kind and enthusiastic review.

Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER

Excellent

Many sentences begin with the subject. For ex:
"Kiley entered the private....
Of the eight stools, only...
A young woman, mid-twenties, from the left.
She sat straight and ...
She was sleek,
The legs were bare,

Try to vary the structure. I know you'll argue that it's your 'style' but it is composition. As to the piece, a good read with a touch of humor and tension.

Regards:

 Comment Written 11-Jul-2013

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reply by the author on 11-Jul-2013

I see your point and will come up with some revisions like:
Giving a wrinkled smile, Sherry said, "Show me what you mean."
Thank you for your helpful review.

Comment from jmdg1954

Exceptional

This was awesome. Fits the prompt to the proverbial "T". You played it real cool with Kiley getting her retribution back at Sherry/Shirley.

Say hi to knobby- er- Bobby for me... Great line at the end.

Best of luck in the contest. John

 Comment Written 11-Jul-2013

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reply by the author on 11-Jul-2013

Thank you very much for the enthusiastic and encouraging review.

Comment from Treischel

Excellent

Now here was a story with a surprising and evil twist. A little gangster bar humor. Several morals applied to this one. Never trust a stranger. Be careful what you ask for. All that Glisters is mot Gold. Had a good laugh.

 Comment Written 11-Jul-2013

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reply by the author on 11-Jul-2013

Thank you for your kind and interesting review. Glad I could get a laugh.

Comment from in777wr#

Excellent

Wow, Sherry is something else! This story was very captivated. You have some elements here that held my attention. You gave good details about Sherry's appearance. I also was struck by the syndicate's rule. You build this story up well leading to the conclusion; which was a shocker. This is a very good story.

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 Comment Written 11-Jul-2013

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reply by the author on 11-Jul-2013

Thank you for your enthusiastic and interesting review.