Rabbit
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "To Laugh or Cry"A Boy's Story of the rural South
26 total reviews
Comment from Zound
I really enjoyed this. The character's personalities shine brightly and the story is entertaining and humorous. The writing itself is clear and presents a style appropriate with the subject matter. Really good job.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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I really enjoyed this. The character's personalities shine brightly and the story is entertaining and humorous. The writing itself is clear and presents a style appropriate with the subject matter. Really good job.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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I'm glad that you're enjoying! Regards, Bill
Comment from Chanphy
This is very well written. You have created a clear picture in my mind of the setting and the characters. Your precise use of words allowed that to happen. I laughed out loud, too, when the boys did, and I felt John's embarrassment. Excellent work.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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This is very well written. You have created a clear picture in my mind of the setting and the characters. Your precise use of words allowed that to happen. I laughed out loud, too, when the boys did, and I felt John's embarrassment. Excellent work.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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Thanks for staying with the story. I very much appreciate it! Bill
Comment from mizzkris20
Your story is light and fun. It held my attention from beginning to end. It is very descriptive and your word choice makes it easy to follow. Thanks
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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Your story is light and fun. It held my attention from beginning to end. It is very descriptive and your word choice makes it easy to follow. Thanks
Comment Written 17-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading and the kind feedback. Bille
Comment from nora arjuna
Interesting story, but overall your writing is much on the wordy side, with overuse of the passive was/were. See some suggestions:
Virge and I started a neat tree house [in] a big oak tree in the back yard. - in or on?
I was sitting on the front porch, just taking a rest, when I saw my Grandmother Nan drive up in their 1949 Plymouth.Out of the back seat popped my older brother John. He had a small suitcase with him.
Simplified:
I was resting on the front porch when my grandmother, Nan, drive up in her 1949 Plymouth. Out of the back seat, popped my older brother, John, with a small suitcase.
I came to find out that my grandparents were headed down to Florida. My aunt was real sick and they were going down to take care of the family. John was going to be staying with us for about two weeks.
I found out my grandparents were headed down to Florida to take care of my sick aunt's family. John would stay with us for about two weeks.
The [']no['] response was [a] welcome.
It was weathered gray [in coloration]. - not needed
The outside had a wrap around porch. Inside, the four room cabin had two bedrooms, a kitchen with sitting area and a living room. It had wide-planked floors throughout. The cabin was surrounded by large pecan trees, so was always shady in the summer. Virge lived there full time, and his niece, Ms. Carrie, was usually there.
A porch wrapped around the outside the four room cabin. Wide-planked floors covered the two bedrooms, kitchen with sitting area and the living room. The surrounding large pecan trees provided shade in the summer. Virge lived there full time, and his niece, Ms. Carrie, often joined him.
They [were] swarmed all around me. - delete
Do you remember when you helped me bury my dog[,] Skippy[,] last week?"
Hope those help with the rest.
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reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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Interesting story, but overall your writing is much on the wordy side, with overuse of the passive was/were. See some suggestions:
Virge and I started a neat tree house [in] a big oak tree in the back yard. - in or on?
I was sitting on the front porch, just taking a rest, when I saw my Grandmother Nan drive up in their 1949 Plymouth.Out of the back seat popped my older brother John. He had a small suitcase with him.
Simplified:
I was resting on the front porch when my grandmother, Nan, drive up in her 1949 Plymouth. Out of the back seat, popped my older brother, John, with a small suitcase.
I came to find out that my grandparents were headed down to Florida. My aunt was real sick and they were going down to take care of the family. John was going to be staying with us for about two weeks.
I found out my grandparents were headed down to Florida to take care of my sick aunt's family. John would stay with us for about two weeks.
The [']no['] response was [a] welcome.
It was weathered gray [in coloration]. - not needed
The outside had a wrap around porch. Inside, the four room cabin had two bedrooms, a kitchen with sitting area and a living room. It had wide-planked floors throughout. The cabin was surrounded by large pecan trees, so was always shady in the summer. Virge lived there full time, and his niece, Ms. Carrie, was usually there.
A porch wrapped around the outside the four room cabin. Wide-planked floors covered the two bedrooms, kitchen with sitting area and the living room. The surrounding large pecan trees provided shade in the summer. Virge lived there full time, and his niece, Ms. Carrie, often joined him.
They [were] swarmed all around me. - delete
Do you remember when you helped me bury my dog[,] Skippy[,] last week?"
Hope those help with the rest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading arjuna and for your detailed suggestions. I circled back and changed or modified most of the areas. I get your point very well. This post is a bit complicated in that I'm trying to write POV, nine year old kid. Most of my work is written a little tighter. Regards, Bill
Comment from adewpearl
I love the narrator's reaction to learning brother John will be visiting LOL
I walked up to his cabin, which - I added the comma
wide-planked floors - I added the hyphen
excellent dialogue about reasons for crying and times not to cry
I'm laughing at John jumping around like a herky-jerky dancer
:-) I am just loving this story :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
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I love the narrator's reaction to learning brother John will be visiting LOL
I walked up to his cabin, which - I added the comma
wide-planked floors - I added the hyphen
excellent dialogue about reasons for crying and times not to cry
I'm laughing at John jumping around like a herky-jerky dancer
:-) I am just loving this story :-) Brooke
Comment Written 16-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
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I'm always glad when you stop by because you always make me smile :) Thanks for your support and help. I treasure both. Bill
Comment from Twilightspire
Masterful. I can't get over how fun it is to read this book. You do an excellent job keeping this light and fun. You can feel the summer heat and the good company flowing from your words. No edits that I saw, nor suggestions. Keep this story going, and you have a fan for life. :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
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Masterful. I can't get over how fun it is to read this book. You do an excellent job keeping this light and fun. You can feel the summer heat and the good company flowing from your words. No edits that I saw, nor suggestions. Keep this story going, and you have a fan for life. :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
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Thanks - your review brings a big smile my way :) Bill
