Eating Mommy's Sandwich
Sung to the tune: I've been workin on the railroad32 total reviews
Comment from JM daSilva
Great story, but you have to be careful with the vocative comma.
I have some editing suggestions for you.
Right now(,) I'm sitting in my stroller being wheeled all around. Whew, at least I don't have to oh, wait ... Dad(vocative comma) turn here, Disney store... stop, you're passing it, Dad (vocative comma)wait, stop ... DAAAAAD!
Yea, food court. Aiden was excited.(quotation, dialog, isn't it?)
Stone and started to lick his lips. (no period)With his eyes focused on the sign, dark chocolate
"Rob," Christina whispered in his ear.
Aiden(vocative comma) don't you frown!
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2013
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Great story, but you have to be careful with the vocative comma.
I have some editing suggestions for you.
Right now(,) I'm sitting in my stroller being wheeled all around. Whew, at least I don't have to oh, wait ... Dad(vocative comma) turn here, Disney store... stop, you're passing it, Dad (vocative comma)wait, stop ... DAAAAAD!
Yea, food court. Aiden was excited.(quotation, dialog, isn't it?)
Stone and started to lick his lips. (no period)With his eyes focused on the sign, dark chocolate
"Rob," Christina whispered in his ear.
Aiden(vocative comma) don't you frown!
Comment Written 03-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2013
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In the opening dialogue, I didn't want the commas following the word Dad creating a pause. I wanted it to be read as a child would have spoken that in excitement. John
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Okay, but maybe you could express it a different way because editors are picky about the vocative comma. Just a piece of advice.
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Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate you pointing that out. I'm here to learn and get better. Thanks again, John
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I didn't, don't worry about that. I had fun reading it, keep up the good work.
Comment from Spitfire
I had so much singing this. A photo inspired write. Love the little girl's voice and Rob's description of the ice cream sundae. I think a child would like Fruit Loops, but definitely not carrot sticks. That's healthy! A fun read.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2013
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I had so much singing this. A photo inspired write. Love the little girl's voice and Rob's description of the ice cream sundae. I think a child would like Fruit Loops, but definitely not carrot sticks. That's healthy! A fun read.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2013
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Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts. John
Comment from IndianaIrish
First of all, I love the picture of Aiden with that ginormous Subway sandwich ... so cute!! I enjoyed your great story from Aiden's perspective and the song is fantastic, John...you had me singing it.
I'm glad Aiden inspires you to write.
Smiles,
Spud :>)
(Then)Than we're talkin'"(delete the closing quotation mark)
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2013
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First of all, I love the picture of Aiden with that ginormous Subway sandwich ... so cute!! I enjoyed your great story from Aiden's perspective and the song is fantastic, John...you had me singing it.
I'm glad Aiden inspires you to write.
Smiles,
Spud :>)
(Then)Than we're talkin'"(delete the closing quotation mark)
Comment Written 03-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2013
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Thank you so much Spud for your suggestions. I most certainly appreciate your time and review, you know it means a lot. Aiden is an easy inspiration to write for and with. John
Comment from Joe Hudson
If I had six stars I would give them. What a great story. I love the humor. It's pretty brave on your part to attempt to tell a story from a little girl's point of view...but you pull it off! I love the overall humor and I liked the song...it seemed very accurate as what a little girl might make up. Great job!
Joe
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2013
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If I had six stars I would give them. What a great story. I love the humor. It's pretty brave on your part to attempt to tell a story from a little girl's point of view...but you pull it off! I love the overall humor and I liked the song...it seemed very accurate as what a little girl might make up. Great job!
Joe
Comment Written 03-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2013
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Thanks Joe for the six star wish. I appreciate your time spent reading and commenting on this story. Again, thank you... John
Comment from mroberts
Cool children's story that might appeal to adults even more. The song is the best part. I think this works with the multiple voices, but the way you have it now requires too much work for the reader. Breaking it up into sections or switching all into one voice, Aiden's or an observant narrator's,
will fix this.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2013
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Cool children's story that might appeal to adults even more. The song is the best part. I think this works with the multiple voices, but the way you have it now requires too much work for the reader. Breaking it up into sections or switching all into one voice, Aiden's or an observant narrator's,
will fix this.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2013
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I will look into your suggestions. Thanks for reading and for your time. John
Comment from jjstar
Very clever..reminds me of those "Look who is Talking movies." I love thinking about what might really be going through the little ones' minds as they are strolled through the mall or wherever.
Than we're talkin'===then?
Yuck, gimme some French fries...
===I'm with her...loloved the song..very cute!
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2013
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Very clever..reminds me of those "Look who is Talking movies." I love thinking about what might really be going through the little ones' minds as they are strolled through the mall or wherever.
Than we're talkin'===then?
Yuck, gimme some French fries...
===I'm with her...loloved the song..very cute!
Comment Written 03-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2013
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Thank you jj for reading and sharing. My granddaughter gives me inspiration and ideas for some stories, as do my dogs. Children's writing is my goal... Thanks again, john
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You're very welcome!
Comment from adewpearl
your passing it - you're
Great humor in telling this story from a little girl's point of view
Here we go, sweetie - add comma for direct address
mommy has fruit loops - Mommy has Fruit Loops
Mommies sandwich looks - Mommy's
I love the humor of the song, and I was able to sing it to the tune well :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2013
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your passing it - you're
Great humor in telling this story from a little girl's point of view
Here we go, sweetie - add comma for direct address
mommy has fruit loops - Mommy has Fruit Loops
Mommies sandwich looks - Mommy's
I love the humor of the song, and I was able to sing it to the tune well :-) Brooke
Comment Written 03-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2013
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Thanks Brooke for reading and glad you enjoyed it. For the corrections, I'm headed there now. I thought I had a two of them fixed before I posted. Anyways, thanks again. John
Comment from Sasha
This is an adorable story. I love how you tell it from the POV of the child. Terrific job on the song, I found myself singing it aloud and got a real kick out of it too.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2013
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This is an adorable story. I love how you tell it from the POV of the child. Terrific job on the song, I found myself singing it aloud and got a real kick out of it too.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2013
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Thank you so much. Been whistling it for days now. Glad you read it and shared your comments. John
Comment from Perp Ihebom
This is a nice story about the importance of making the right choices, especially when it has to do with food. It is very well said. cheers
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2013
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This is a nice story about the importance of making the right choices, especially when it has to do with food. It is very well said. cheers
Comment Written 03-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2013
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Thank you Perp for reading and sharing, I appreciate it. John
Comment from L. Sherman
Very adorable. I commend you on the time it probably took to get everything written out in a way that flowed well with the tune you chose.
I think you've done a great job with this - love the little one's inner monologue. Sassy little thing.
Only thing that threw me (and it may just be since I'm actually rusty on the full tune) is that the final verse/stanza as you have it written just doesn't seem to flow as smoothly as the rest.
Beyond that, though, quite a nice read.
L. Sherman
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2013
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Very adorable. I commend you on the time it probably took to get everything written out in a way that flowed well with the tune you chose.
I think you've done a great job with this - love the little one's inner monologue. Sassy little thing.
Only thing that threw me (and it may just be since I'm actually rusty on the full tune) is that the final verse/stanza as you have it written just doesn't seem to flow as smoothly as the rest.
Beyond that, though, quite a nice read.
L. Sherman
Comment Written 03-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2013
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Thank you L (stands for?). I appreciate your time and commentary. I believe the cadence flows with the original tune, I must have sung it 100 times, plus I had the original and mine back to back and a bellyto belly... John
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L stands for Lisa. :) And no worries. I'll have to go look it up. Like I said, it's more to do with how long it's been since I've whistled the tune than anything.
