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All Those Puzzling Pieces

Viewing comments for Chapter 71 "Twenty-five Years"
What makes a life? How do the pieces fit?

89 total reviews 
Comment from rama devi
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Good satirical romance poem, dear sister. By the way, My mom told me she got your check. Thanks! Are you still planning to send the next revision?

Anyway, this is a good poem and I like the closing punch line with the Walmart card. This is my favorite stanza

we never look at each other, really look at each other
we never sigh with pleasure at each other's touch - we never touch
come to think of it, we just achieve, all the while believing
that this is how it's meant to be - ha ha ha

It sadly applicable to many couples nowadays. There is so much 'entertainment' available people rarely spend time together, truly together.

"Together but lonely" is a strong theme for this contest. Good luck!

Love, rd




 Comment Written 24-Sep-2012


reply by the author on 24-Sep-2012
    thx so much rd! yes, I'm still planning to send the next revision - have been doing a bit of head-scratching because the material (if I include everything I wanted to) is wayyyyy too long - so I think I'll delete "Wakey Wakey" and go with "Going Home" as the connection & closure with my mother is stronger in the piece and that resolution was lacking. I think that aspect is more important that my OWN motherhood (and I think I've added enough bits & pieces of that, per Peter's request, to fill out what was needed). Should have it to you by the end of the week I hope! :) Sharyn
reply by rama devi on 24-Sep-2012
    Great! :-))

    Proud of you...

    rd
Comment from Hollyhock
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Really scarey, but sadly true in many cases.
This is a description of the worst kind of loneliness. There is nothing quite as agonizing as the pain of being in a dead relationship, superficially everything is okay, but feelings are quenched before they become too painful to acknowledge and we cease to be our true selves.
I particularly enjoy the way you arrange lines to create effect,
"we walk parallel lives, eyes
straight ahead
dead".
This emphasizes so clearly the finality of it all and the unwavering inability to meet each other on anything but the most basic level.
Loved the play on words here too.

 Comment Written 24-Sep-2012


reply by the author on 24-Sep-2012
    thx Holly! can't say this was a 'fun' write, but certainly a true one, based on so many observations of what goes on around me! :) Sharyn
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
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You have described a common story, one that is so true in many cases and so sad. It is so easy to be busy with the business of life, so busy that we forget to live it and enjoy it. Giddy

 Comment Written 24-Sep-2012


reply by the author on 24-Sep-2012
    It is indeed Giddy - thank you so much for reviewing! :) Sharyn
Comment from Gungalo
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Don't know about the Walmart card but do know about love and you've got it all wrong girlie. Still married after 25 years? That's amazing and wonderful. Congrats my dear and I'll leave the rest of it up to you. LOL.

 Comment Written 24-Sep-2012


reply by the author on 24-Sep-2012
    not me babe - I don't know why everyone always assumes autobiographical!!!
reply by Gungalo on 24-Sep-2012
    Oh my sorry I usually don't. LOL.
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2012
    I just think FS has a large Sob Squad (as well as a God Squad), so occasionally reviews read more like a Dorothy Dix column!!!
reply by Gungalo on 24-Sep-2012
    Oh it certainly does. LOL.
Comment from Heaven Bound
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How well-written this is. Very nicely presented (great background color). Unfortunately, your words represent the truth for too many couples.

 Comment Written 23-Sep-2012


reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
    yes they do HB - thx!
Comment from MissMerri
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I think this is an excellent response to the prompt. I can't imagine anything more lonely than living year after year in the same house with someone who didn't touch me or look at me... really look at me. This is excellent as a description of true lonliness. Good luck in your contest.

 Comment Written 23-Sep-2012


reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
    thank you MissMerri!
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
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This reminds me of my 1st marriage except for it got to 24 years. I walked out because I was tired of being in a marriage filled with loneliness. walmart has 2 cards for this situation, "sympathy and good luck".

Nice piece of writing giving us an incite how lonely 25 years of marriage can be. Good luck in the contest,,,,,,Jim

 Comment Written 23-Sep-2012


reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
    thx Jim! :) Sharyn
Comment from nomi338
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Congratulations on meeting the challenge. Too bad that this situation does exists outside of poems. Too bad that relationships like this are more normal and common than some other types. We get comfortable with each other and just like we are reluctant to toss out that old sweater that we like to put on to watch TV, we put on our old comfortable and familiar roles within the relationship and continue on in our sad tired old lives. No alone, but as lonely as can be.

 Comment Written 23-Sep-2012


reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
    thank you so much for reading, and understanding, this piece Nomi! Best wishes, Sharyn
Comment from Maustin
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"we never look at each other, really look at each other
we never sigh with pleasure at each other's touch - we never touch
come to think of it"
A very moving work that you have created. I so was moved. These lines are so impactful!!!

 Comment Written 23-Sep-2012


reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
    thank you so much for reading, and understanding, this piece Maustin!
reply by Maustin on 23-Sep-2012
    So welome Visionary. Very good.
Comment from justatuna
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I thought this was a very interesting poem. Very intelligent. I thought your author's notes were also very interesting. This poem flowed very well and told of an important message. Well done.

 Comment Written 23-Sep-2012


reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
    thx tuna - sorry if my notes sounded tetchy - I got tired of getting marital advice/admonitions instead of critiques of the poem! My bad! :)Sharyn