Thoughtful Poems and Prose
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Restless Seas"Commentary and Philosophy
45 total reviews
Comment from Nanette Mary
Hullo Curly Girly ....
In this relatively short poem, you have captured vividly in your well-chosen words, the image of the restless sea, constantly moving - breaking onto the shore and then quietly flowing back.
There is nothing to suggest changing and I thank you for sharing these thoughts with us.
Love from .... Nanette Mary.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2012
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Hullo Curly Girly ....
In this relatively short poem, you have captured vividly in your well-chosen words, the image of the restless sea, constantly moving - breaking onto the shore and then quietly flowing back.
There is nothing to suggest changing and I thank you for sharing these thoughts with us.
Love from .... Nanette Mary.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2012
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Oh, I am please to hear that you enjoyed it. Thank you so much for your good and kind review.
Comment from GWHARGIS
This was incredible. The writhing of the ocean and the pulling toward it like casting a spell were very vivid and memorable lines. Nice job. The flow and rhythm were great.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2012
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This was incredible. The writhing of the ocean and the pulling toward it like casting a spell were very vivid and memorable lines. Nice job. The flow and rhythm were great.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2012
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Titanx9
There's so much imagery that touches on all the senses. One can practically feel a mixture of competing emotions that have a genesis in the roiling and raging sea. It is the one constant, through the good and the bad. I hope I got it right - nice mixture.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2012
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There's so much imagery that touches on all the senses. One can practically feel a mixture of competing emotions that have a genesis in the roiling and raging sea. It is the one constant, through the good and the bad. I hope I got it right - nice mixture.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2012
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Thank you for your good and appreciative review!
Comment from Ekim777
The sea is a powerful symbol to write about. It requires strong imagery, symbolism, rhythm and if you must have rhyme they must sound natural. The very structure of the poem must be strong. Take your fine reference to horses. It has promise but take this phrase. "Waves as wild as horses in the foam." This is a strong, muscular line." Permit me to illustrate from your first verse. "Restless seas of depth and power." - good. "Against barren rocks you shower"
The structure of this line is weak.
"Each wave spews undying life"-Good. Your last line is not so strong. In poetry we must maintain the tempo. Every line needs to be good. In your next verse. The first two lines are strong. The last two lines are not. I think you are too preoccupied with those rhymes. I say, rhymes make good friends and bad masters.If you read the poem aloud you might detect the strong lines from the weak lines. We need to savor every line. How about this line. "Oh rose-red city
Half as old as time." Ultimately this is your poem! -Ekim777
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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The sea is a powerful symbol to write about. It requires strong imagery, symbolism, rhythm and if you must have rhyme they must sound natural. The very structure of the poem must be strong. Take your fine reference to horses. It has promise but take this phrase. "Waves as wild as horses in the foam." This is a strong, muscular line." Permit me to illustrate from your first verse. "Restless seas of depth and power." - good. "Against barren rocks you shower"
The structure of this line is weak.
"Each wave spews undying life"-Good. Your last line is not so strong. In poetry we must maintain the tempo. Every line needs to be good. In your next verse. The first two lines are strong. The last two lines are not. I think you are too preoccupied with those rhymes. I say, rhymes make good friends and bad masters.If you read the poem aloud you might detect the strong lines from the weak lines. We need to savor every line. How about this line. "Oh rose-red city
Half as old as time." Ultimately this is your poem! -Ekim777
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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Thank you for your GOOD review and I appreciate your commentary. I will put it in store for future poems, but not for this particular one. The mixtue of weak and strong is there for a reason - it was the way I was feeling at that time. Let me explain:
I was 16 when I wrote this. My family had just left Zimbabwe. We had very little money and no home of our own. It was a tumultous time for a teenager. I loved horses. I left home without an education in a new country; where I had to learn a new language. I was feeling excited, worried, hopeful, sexual, desperate and confused. There was a lot going on, I was quite over-whelmed at that point with conflicting emotions. I got work with horses and lived near the sea...dated sailors, some of whom were bad.
Comment from Nhala
I like the message of this poem and the intent...respect towards the power of the ocean, its darkness and raw might and secrets. The material is all there, the only thing I think that missed the mark is the rhyming sceme. The syncopation doesn't always work and in places the rhyme is forced. With an edit, it is a 5-6 in my opinion. For ex;
Eternal hissing, writhing motion
Powerful, brutal ocean.
perhaps: Eternal hissing, writhing motion
Powerful, brutal, unending ocean
in the example I set here, the rhythm stays constant in time, hope I am making sense in this manner. Its really good, just has rhythm problems, again, in my opinion. Keep workin' your craft!
~ Raven ~
I should add that I see the metaphor going on to into real life relationship(s) and I like it
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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I like the message of this poem and the intent...respect towards the power of the ocean, its darkness and raw might and secrets. The material is all there, the only thing I think that missed the mark is the rhyming sceme. The syncopation doesn't always work and in places the rhyme is forced. With an edit, it is a 5-6 in my opinion. For ex;
Eternal hissing, writhing motion
Powerful, brutal ocean.
perhaps: Eternal hissing, writhing motion
Powerful, brutal, unending ocean
in the example I set here, the rhythm stays constant in time, hope I am making sense in this manner. Its really good, just has rhythm problems, again, in my opinion. Keep workin' your craft!
~ Raven ~
I should add that I see the metaphor going on to into real life relationship(s) and I like it
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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Thank you for your POOR review and for your suggestions.
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You are welcome. You are talented no doubt, but coming from someone with a major attitude problem, me, yours needs adjustment. I know I am right about my review, so if you disagree, that is normal. I used to complain all the time when I first joined...but this topic is old. Sorry for the diversion but your reply was uncalled for.
Nhala
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Don't be defensive, self-righteous and pious. It is not becoming. You did mark me down. And I did THANK you. This particular piece is PERSONAL - Not about being technically correct. It is ART from the heart. There is a real life story behind it. Thanks anyway.
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that is fine, I understand completely. You seem to be offended because I did not bow down before your pain. Neither of us know each other so no need to go there. Peace,
Byron
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I am not offended! You scare me with your over reaction.
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I recall you said POOR review.. rationalize all you like, I really would rather you just let it rest
Comment from Louisiana Poorboy
Well done, I like the proprietary familiarity with the topic. Still I wanted to find myself more involved in the tortuous, cold, terrifying, unforgiving depths of wetness.
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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Well done, I like the proprietary familiarity with the topic. Still I wanted to find myself more involved in the tortuous, cold, terrifying, unforgiving depths of wetness.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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Thank you for your good review. This was the first poem I ever wrote - at the age of 16. I rediscovered it only recently, after 30 yrs and this is it. CG
Comment from dragonpoet
Good images and strong conflicting emotions that are evoked by the motions and sound of the sea. I like the use of sirens call and haunting aspects. You get an almost despairing or suicidal feeling from the speaker sometimes.
Keep writing
dragonpoet
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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Good images and strong conflicting emotions that are evoked by the motions and sound of the sea. I like the use of sirens call and haunting aspects. You get an almost despairing or suicidal feeling from the speaker sometimes.
Keep writing
dragonpoet
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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You are right. I was 16 at the time. My family had recently left Zimbabwe. We had very little money and no home of our own. It was a tumultuous time for a teenager. I left home without an education in a new country; where I had to learn a new language. I was feeling excited, worried, hopeful, sexual, desperate and confused. There was a lot going on, I was quite over-whelmed at that point with conflicting emotions.
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It seems you have made it through these emotions and mastered the language to write such clear poetry in a second language.
dragonpoet
Comment from donaldww
This poem is written using rhyming couplets, set out in a set of seven stanzas. The restless seas appear to be a metaphor for human emotions, with endless murmurs, whispers, wave riding horses, etc. Continuous pounding and tossing, like a night with influenza.
Cheers,
DW
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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This poem is written using rhyming couplets, set out in a set of seven stanzas. The restless seas appear to be a metaphor for human emotions, with endless murmurs, whispers, wave riding horses, etc. Continuous pounding and tossing, like a night with influenza.
Cheers,
DW
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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Influenza? That sounds rude. That part is actually concerns wild love-making. The heat of passion can be like a fever, so perhaps you were not far off.
Let me tell what this poem was really about:
I was 16 at the time. My family had recently left Zimbabwe. We had very little money and no home of our own. It was a tumultuous time for a teenager. I left home without an education in a new country; where I had to learn a new language. I was feeling excited, worried, hopeful, sexual, desperate and confused. There was a lot going on. I was quite over-whelmed at that point with conflicting emotions. BUT - Thank you for your GOOD review and star rating. CG
Comment from Meta~Mark
Insidious, beckoning passers-by,
Hauntingly with wanton cry; - I like the emotional cry in this sentence and the flow
the mystery of the sea, indeed...well done!
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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Insidious, beckoning passers-by,
Hauntingly with wanton cry; - I like the emotional cry in this sentence and the flow
the mystery of the sea, indeed...well done!
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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Thank you Mark for your good review, much appreciated.
Comment from Jean Lutz
Both artwork and words are exceptional. In a few short lines you captured humanity -- souls in a massive sea. It is an honor to award you a six star rating.
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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Both artwork and words are exceptional. In a few short lines you captured humanity -- souls in a massive sea. It is an honor to award you a six star rating.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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Thank you so much Jean for your EXCELLENT review. Have a good day! I wrote this poem when I 16, I felt embarrassed by its sexual content, so I threw it away. Thirty years later - it still haunted me, so I decided to write it down again - and out it popped, perhaps with a few extra 'tweaks.'
