The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "There's No Place Like Home"A family learns their father is a serial killer
27 total reviews
Comment from WLHall
Smurphgirl, this is absolutely very fine writing. It seems so realistic as to what would happen to a family going through all this trouble. I didn't see any grammar or punctuation problems. Maybe the use of the word "that" a couple of places which is not needed. I'm sure you know overusing words not needed keeps the story from being as tight as it could be. But, this is a great chapter you wrote, enjoyed it.
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
  |
Smurphgirl, this is absolutely very fine writing. It seems so realistic as to what would happen to a family going through all this trouble. I didn't see any grammar or punctuation problems. Maybe the use of the word "that" a couple of places which is not needed. I'm sure you know overusing words not needed keeps the story from being as tight as it could be. But, this is a great chapter you wrote, enjoyed it.
Comment Written 20-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
-
Thanks for pointing 'that' out. I will go back over this and see what I can do to eliminate some of the unneeded words.
Comment from emmaysavage
I am ejouing this evolution of character and story. You got a lot into this transitional chapter. I remain interested in the whole family.
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
|
I am ejouing this evolution of character and story. You got a lot into this transitional chapter. I remain interested in the whole family.
Comment Written 20-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
-
I am so pleased you are enjoying this. This family is facing a long list of difficulties and there are no self-help manuals to tell them what and how to react.
Comment from Kauriamine
A few spelling/grammar errors, but a solid chapter nonetheless. Be careful about your sentence structure. I like how well you portray the development of your characters and what drives them. Good pace, there is enough forward momentum to make me want to read on. Try to remember to transition your scenes, though. You jump around a tad.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
 |
A few spelling/grammar errors, but a solid chapter nonetheless. Be careful about your sentence structure. I like how well you portray the development of your characters and what drives them. Good pace, there is enough forward momentum to make me want to read on. Try to remember to transition your scenes, though. You jump around a tad.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
-
I appreciate your suggestions but could you be more specific. I ran a spell check on the several times and could't find the errors.
Comment from adewpearl
Goodbye, June Cleaver and hello, Mom - add commas
Meeting with Dad meant facing those questions, and - add comma
Mom sat down on the couch beside Charlie, who - add comma
I didn't want to upset him, but - add comma
I am going to see Dad, and - add comma
Effective list of voice messages covering the gamut of reactions to them
I took a step toward Mom, but Mac - add comma
Mac is one smart man :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
|
Goodbye, June Cleaver and hello, Mom - add commas
Meeting with Dad meant facing those questions, and - add comma
Mom sat down on the couch beside Charlie, who - add comma
I didn't want to upset him, but - add comma
I am going to see Dad, and - add comma
Effective list of voice messages covering the gamut of reactions to them
I took a step toward Mom, but Mac - add comma
Mac is one smart man :-) Brooke
Comment Written 20-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
-
Thanks for catching the spags. I am so pleased you continue to enjoy this.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Once again this is very good. My only suggestions would be to watch your use of the word 'that' and I was wondering about some of the dialogue. When I speak I use a lot of contractions. I was thinking other's do to, unless they are making a point. Just something to think about.
Mom sat down on the couch beside Charlie ( down is an extra word and not needed)
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
|
Once again this is very good. My only suggestions would be to watch your use of the word 'that' and I was wondering about some of the dialogue. When I speak I use a lot of contractions. I was thinking other's do to, unless they are making a point. Just something to think about.
Mom sat down on the couch beside Charlie ( down is an extra word and not needed)
Comment Written 20-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
-
Thanks for pointing that out. I always appreciate your suggestions.
Comment from kenzi'spoems
you are a great writer! so jealous of you! ha! great job at being in print! thank you for sharing this piece of work with me. it is thoroughly appreciated. keep up the amazing work you are doing and may your light shine bright in His time. Blessings unto you and your house.
Forever and Truly,
Kenzi
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
|
you are a great writer! so jealous of you! ha! great job at being in print! thank you for sharing this piece of work with me. it is thoroughly appreciated. keep up the amazing work you are doing and may your light shine bright in His time. Blessings unto you and your house.
Forever and Truly,
Kenzi
Comment Written 20-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
-
Thanks you for your generous compliment. I sincerely appreciate it.
Comment from Realist101
HI Sasha...I like the ending to the small print better? I have tried to find spags up in the revision, but couldn't find any? I will look again. But this is nicely done. The little triangles with ? marks should go? I think my pc does this too if I use word. ? Don't be afraid to write that emotion in this...your ending down here is perfect, to me. Love, Susan
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
|
HI Sasha...I like the ending to the small print better? I have tried to find spags up in the revision, but couldn't find any? I will look again. But this is nicely done. The little triangles with ? marks should go? I think my pc does this too if I use word. ? Don't be afraid to write that emotion in this...your ending down here is perfect, to me. Love, Susan
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
-
I think Evil Eddie has been at work again. I see what I can do about the triangles and ? marks. I am pleased you enjoyed this one.
-
I hope this will get picked up Sasha! I'll try to catch up soon..xoxo...Susan
