The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "The Price of Betrayal"A family learns their father is a serial killer
23 total reviews
Comment from Winslow
Dear Smurphgirl,
It helped to read your notes at the end of this chapter. While reading this I assumed both James and Charlie were a lot older from their discourse with each other. It seems like you have set us up for an interesting story.
This story could be improved by eliminating passive voice and showing not telling.
For instance you wrote:
I put my hand on Charlie's shoulder and still shaking with anger, said, "We can't let Susan see these."
Charlie looked as though he was ready to punch the first person who walked by. Again, I told him we had to prevent Susan from seeing what Billy had done.
Suggested edit:
I put my shaking hand on Charlie's shoulder and squeezed. "We can't let Susan see these."
Charlie's face contorted into an ugly mask, and he clenched his fist. I nodded. "That's right, Susan is apt to do something terrible if she does."
I hope this helps.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2012
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Dear Smurphgirl,
It helped to read your notes at the end of this chapter. While reading this I assumed both James and Charlie were a lot older from their discourse with each other. It seems like you have set us up for an interesting story.
This story could be improved by eliminating passive voice and showing not telling.
For instance you wrote:
I put my hand on Charlie's shoulder and still shaking with anger, said, "We can't let Susan see these."
Charlie looked as though he was ready to punch the first person who walked by. Again, I told him we had to prevent Susan from seeing what Billy had done.
Suggested edit:
I put my shaking hand on Charlie's shoulder and squeezed. "We can't let Susan see these."
Charlie's face contorted into an ugly mask, and he clenched his fist. I nodded. "That's right, Susan is apt to do something terrible if she does."
I hope this helps.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 16-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2012
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Yes, your suggestions are welcome and do help. I am pleased you like this story.
Comment from c_lucas
Many a good woman has fallen in love with a royal asshole. Billy meets the description in spades. This is very wellw written with a smooth flow of words.
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reply by the author on 16-Feb-2012
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Many a good woman has fallen in love with a royal asshole. Billy meets the description in spades. This is very wellw written with a smooth flow of words.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2012
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Yes, Billy is a true asshole.
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You're characters are stronger than in the original story. Keep up the good work.
Comment from adewpearl
It had not rained for several weeks, and - add comma
Excellent character description of Charlie
Excellent, natural-sounding dialogue
You get inside James's intimate thoughts well
The "and" is gone - I like that - Charlie is quite the philsopher
To the world I'm the son of a murderer, and - add comma
we will never know why, and I really don't know - add comma
excellent description of the tabloid article and James's reaction to it
Very dramatic scene at finding Susan
You make this all seem so real, so tragically real Brooke
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2012
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It had not rained for several weeks, and - add comma
Excellent character description of Charlie
Excellent, natural-sounding dialogue
You get inside James's intimate thoughts well
The "and" is gone - I like that - Charlie is quite the philsopher
To the world I'm the son of a murderer, and - add comma
we will never know why, and I really don't know - add comma
excellent description of the tabloid article and James's reaction to it
Very dramatic scene at finding Susan
You make this all seem so real, so tragically real Brooke
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2012
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Thanks, once again, for the help with the commas. I am so pleased you liked this chapter. I love James but Charlie tends to grow on you.