Tales from Sardine City
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Fishy Questions"Dark Science Fiction
44 total reviews
Comment from Tonulak
This was a chilling told with frantic pace. A grim vision of the future with a surreal edge. I liked the references to eating cats, it's part of Chinese restaurants in urban legend. Also, the quest to know sardines as well as God. Very creative and I thought, well done.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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This was a chilling told with frantic pace. A grim vision of the future with a surreal edge. I liked the references to eating cats, it's part of Chinese restaurants in urban legend. Also, the quest to know sardines as well as God. Very creative and I thought, well done.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Thanks, glad you mentioned the pace.
Comment from RUMLOVE1000
Just messing around with you Herb. lol Actually I'm glad you mentioned it because I had forgotten to change it back, but of course I enjoyed the story as I do all of your material that I have read :)
Blessings,
Rumlove1000
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Just messing around with you Herb. lol Actually I'm glad you mentioned it because I had forgotten to change it back, but of course I enjoyed the story as I do all of your material that I have read :)
Blessings,
Rumlove1000
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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I think being lost is part the point in this start. But most people got the gist. I don't like the reader to know where it's heading.
Comment from peggles
I was most impressed with your direct, easy style, cutting straight to the point and delivering the plot at a fast rate
There's lots of hooks in there and it's nice and pace
I liked the idea of taking inside your head I do this all the time
An entertaining read
I shall be looking out for the next
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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I was most impressed with your direct, easy style, cutting straight to the point and delivering the plot at a fast rate
There's lots of hooks in there and it's nice and pace
I liked the idea of taking inside your head I do this all the time
An entertaining read
I shall be looking out for the next
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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thanks, glad you thought so.
Comment from keondae
Good start! What is a sardin? You're leading the readers with the question. A good flow of thoughts in the hero's mind. I want to read more. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Good start! What is a sardin? You're leading the readers with the question. A good flow of thoughts in the hero's mind. I want to read more. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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thanks.
Comment from chunkytoaster
This was really good. I did get lost at the beginning but it all made sense the more i read on. I did notice that it mentions the orb gives him three options then only mentions two. What I liked most about this is that it drives you to want to know more. Good stuff.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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This was really good. I did get lost at the beginning but it all made sense the more i read on. I did notice that it mentions the orb gives him three options then only mentions two. What I liked most about this is that it drives you to want to know more. Good stuff.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Thanks mate, that's just the response I was after. There is actual three choices the orb states two, he refuses and is left with the last. That prob my fault more than yours. Thanks again.
Comment from redrider6612
I'm reviewing with blinders, so I'm hoping this author is open to honest, detailed critique. Please understand that all suggestions are offered from a sincere desire to help a fellow writer, and you are welcome to use or ignore any or all of them. So, with that said, let's delve into this puppy.
Interesting premise, if a bit difficult to follow. To be honest, I had a hard time getting into the story. I'm not clear on a lot of the lingo or even what is going on. I enjoy a good sci-fi story, even dark sci-fi, so that's not the problem. The lack seems to be in essential details withheld.
Specific nits and notes (parenthesis=add; brackets=delete):
The automated lock [had finally] clicked, locking me in.
most natural, abundant food source, [which was to say the worlds].--last part doesn't make sense
Then where there was once a wall there came a swooshing sound. The wall vanished, revealing a narrow, dark tunnel.--read this three times, still don't understand, did the wall disappear twice?
Although, I could feel something coming from that tunnel. It was a cold waft of something.--combine and trim; we're in his POV, so "I could feel" is superfluous since everything described are things he feels
But I didn't know what?--not a question
funny how that thought sounds, it sounds familiar--trim down; try: funny how that thought sounds familiar
dull-grey--two words, no hyphen
eye shaped--eye-shaped
It was completely smooth and [a dull grey]--redundant
I attempted to get a closer look. A metallic arm came from the orb before I had taken a pace. The arm seemed to materialize from the underside. It grabbed me firmly around the throat and pressed me against the door. It held me tight but caused no pain.--trim at least half by combining and tightening; try: I leaned in and a metal arm shot from the orb's underside and grabbed me by the throat. It held me firmly without causing pain.
The voice was still coming from the speaker. But I knew the rehab-unit was doing the talking.--combine and trim, like this: The voice came from the speaker overhead, but I knew the rehab-unit was doing the talking.
"I chose (choose) rehabilitation," my human voice sounded feeble.--this isn't a dialogue tag, so it should be a new sentence
It was like the unit had switched of(f) my power[s] of speech.
I was [left] alone.
And I still don't know what a sardine is?--this isn't a question
Over all, there is a good story here. Perhaps the next chapter will bring a better understanding of what is going on. Generally, I don't stick with a story if I don't understand what is going on, but I see a lot of potential in your writing. Keep working at it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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I'm reviewing with blinders, so I'm hoping this author is open to honest, detailed critique. Please understand that all suggestions are offered from a sincere desire to help a fellow writer, and you are welcome to use or ignore any or all of them. So, with that said, let's delve into this puppy.
Interesting premise, if a bit difficult to follow. To be honest, I had a hard time getting into the story. I'm not clear on a lot of the lingo or even what is going on. I enjoy a good sci-fi story, even dark sci-fi, so that's not the problem. The lack seems to be in essential details withheld.
Specific nits and notes (parenthesis=add; brackets=delete):
The automated lock [had finally] clicked, locking me in.
most natural, abundant food source, [which was to say the worlds].--last part doesn't make sense
Then where there was once a wall there came a swooshing sound. The wall vanished, revealing a narrow, dark tunnel.--read this three times, still don't understand, did the wall disappear twice?
Although, I could feel something coming from that tunnel. It was a cold waft of something.--combine and trim; we're in his POV, so "I could feel" is superfluous since everything described are things he feels
But I didn't know what?--not a question
funny how that thought sounds, it sounds familiar--trim down; try: funny how that thought sounds familiar
dull-grey--two words, no hyphen
eye shaped--eye-shaped
It was completely smooth and [a dull grey]--redundant
I attempted to get a closer look. A metallic arm came from the orb before I had taken a pace. The arm seemed to materialize from the underside. It grabbed me firmly around the throat and pressed me against the door. It held me tight but caused no pain.--trim at least half by combining and tightening; try: I leaned in and a metal arm shot from the orb's underside and grabbed me by the throat. It held me firmly without causing pain.
The voice was still coming from the speaker. But I knew the rehab-unit was doing the talking.--combine and trim, like this: The voice came from the speaker overhead, but I knew the rehab-unit was doing the talking.
"I chose (choose) rehabilitation," my human voice sounded feeble.--this isn't a dialogue tag, so it should be a new sentence
It was like the unit had switched of(f) my power[s] of speech.
I was [left] alone.
And I still don't know what a sardine is?--this isn't a question
Over all, there is a good story here. Perhaps the next chapter will bring a better understanding of what is going on. Generally, I don't stick with a story if I don't understand what is going on, but I see a lot of potential in your writing. Keep working at it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Thanks, redrider. Excellent review. Most of your suggestions make sense to me and I will be making changes.
As for the general understanding, the world will be more clear as the story progresses, as this is just a start. I'm sure you know that info dumps are a no no. I didn't want to tell too much also, as an unfamiliar world described in first person isn't going to be recognisable and easy to follow. In fact one of my aims was to make this future place completely unrecognisable to our eyes. Imagine reading a tale that was wrote in this future, written by some one from there. Would be like an ancient Greek trying to understand '1984' (The George Orwell novel, not the year) after the first page. Some reviewers understood the premiss completely, some didn't. So over all I'm very happy. On the technical side of things your review is the best so far, so thank you. I truly appreciate your time. :)
Peter
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Sorry having a problem with this reply to review bit.
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Hey, I've made most of the changes you suggested. Thanks again, so obvious now. the following I have left:
The automated lock [had finally] clicked, locking me in. - I added the 'had finally' because it only locks after number ten (victim) highlighting how he had to murder ten people before the powers to be noticed, and locked him in his automated room. This will be more clear as the story progresses.
most natural, abundant food source, [which was to say the worlds].--last part doesn't make sense -- I think this does make sense, If you read the whole sentence it is just showing how the City is the World. If its the city's most abundant food then its the worlds. 'which was to say' is actually a common saying.
Although, I could feel something coming from that tunnel. It was a cold waft of something.--combine and trim; we're in his POV, so "I could feel" is superfluous since everything described are things he feels -- I added the feel here because its an actual physical feeling, a waft of air as it states in the next sentence. Just gives the scene a bit more texture. I think this an example of where the rules can be broken, for an overall feeling/atmosphere, more important to me than that particulate rule in that instance. Hope you agree?? But won't be offended if you don't.
I attempted to get a closer look. A metallic arm came from the orb before I had taken a pace. The arm seemed to materialize from the underside. It grabbed me firmly around the throat and pressed me against the door. It held me tight but caused no pain.--trim at least half by combining and tightening; try: I leaned in and a metal arm shot from the orb's underside and grabbed me by the throat. It held me firmly without causing pain. -- I prefer this my way. It is fitting with the tone of my character and story. To me anyway, and hey its my dance.
Thanks again for your help. I'm here to learn and I look at all suggestions closely.
Comment from Rob Caudle
Very nice work Not my genre of choice but i am stretching my taste here. I was thrilled with the read and your imagination. I read start to finish and had no trouble following you story what a great punishment the voice of your victims constantly in your head accompanying your solitude.
going to appear from. may read cleaner without the from
love this line
remain still for tissue recognition and guilt confirmation.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Very nice work Not my genre of choice but i am stretching my taste here. I was thrilled with the read and your imagination. I read start to finish and had no trouble following you story what a great punishment the voice of your victims constantly in your head accompanying your solitude.
going to appear from. may read cleaner without the from
love this line
remain still for tissue recognition and guilt confirmation.
Comment Written 18-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Thanks, I'm glad you could follow it.
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And good suggestion, I will make that change.
Comment from Dave M
Herb,
This is an excellent chapter about a killer who is forced to endure having his victim in his head. Life is short in this realm, which reminds me of the old movie about Dome.
Dave
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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Herb,
This is an excellent chapter about a killer who is forced to endure having his victim in his head. Life is short in this realm, which reminds me of the old movie about Dome.
Dave
Comment Written 18-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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Thanks, Dave, not familiar with that movie. This is just a start but I'm happy with it so far. :)
Comment from Janice65
Wow,I am not sure where we are in the fantastic story. I did not exactly find any terrible errors, except for the sentence fragments. I assumed the writer is talking about a rehab of some kind, possibly drug addiction or alcohol addiction.
I am anxious to read the second chapter and whatever comes after.
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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Wow,I am not sure where we are in the fantastic story. I did not exactly find any terrible errors, except for the sentence fragments. I assumed the writer is talking about a rehab of some kind, possibly drug addiction or alcohol addiction.
I am anxious to read the second chapter and whatever comes after.
Comment Written 18-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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It can be hard to follow sci fiction if you not familiar with the genre. And this isn't an easy read. And you didn't get this even slightly, probably my fault. Thanks anyway. :)
Comment from Spiritual Echo
I have to tell you that I had, perhaps still don't, have any idea what's going on, but the words flowed and felt compelled to continue reading.
There's definately a flow to this piece and I adore the premise of having to inhabit the conciousness of a victim.
I though the writing was very good, don't know whether you'e using italics correctly or not.
Guess I really need part 2 to give you a fair and real gut reaction, but you got my attention and I'm still hooked.
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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I have to tell you that I had, perhaps still don't, have any idea what's going on, but the words flowed and felt compelled to continue reading.
There's definately a flow to this piece and I adore the premise of having to inhabit the conciousness of a victim.
I though the writing was very good, don't know whether you'e using italics correctly or not.
Guess I really need part 2 to give you a fair and real gut reaction, but you got my attention and I'm still hooked.
Comment Written 18-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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It can be hard to follow sci fiction if you not familiar with the genre. And this isn't an easy read. But thanks anyway, glad it compelled you.
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Listen, it seems witth your comment about FS fiction you are not only putting the site down but also me.....was that your intent?
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Sorry, not at all. Just that sci fi is hard to understand to those who don't read it regularly. Especially when it's written by me (and I'm rubbish).
Sorry if you got the wrong end of the stick, I think maybe that come out wrong.
Peace, peter.
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You have promoted this story to the top of the list/ That likely means Am/Ex is probably smiling. As a writer you need to seduce readers and not limit yourself to a narrow audience. Many people here have a sophisticated literary palate and are happy to step into any author's fantasy. Perhaps if this story had not been split into two or three sections the bafflement would have dissapeared. As I said it was a compelling story that pulled me in and left me restless. As a stand alone post it's difficult to know whether you achieved your goal and giving readers a begining, middle and end. I will look forward to see what you do with the rest of the story.
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Thanks, I know, I'm really sorry it was a childish thing to say. I love fan story. It would be silly to think a world like the one I'm trying to create would recognisable
so quickly. I'm just tired I guess.
In fact one of my aims is to make the world completely unrecognisable. So in that respect I did good. Maybe I should make the actual narrator and the fact that he gets the conciseness of his dead victim implanted in his sub-concious a bit more clearer. But I wanted to make the rehab-unit/Orb impersonal and quick. Its a challenge this one, *Sigh*. I respect you as a reviewer and can remember previous reviews. So again, sorry. *Waggles tail between legs* That didn't sound right so sorry for that too. :)
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Peace....ingrid
