Life Passes By
a contest entry33 total reviews
Comment from hellion5
Great story! It flows well and is clear and concise.
I only found a couple of things:
Looking what-- it seems like looking should be look
Also, could you throw in a few words about how the mother feel when she finds out her husband's been shot?
That's all I found. I enjoyed reading it--
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Great story! It flows well and is clear and concise.
I only found a couple of things:
Looking what-- it seems like looking should be look
Also, could you throw in a few words about how the mother feel when she finds out her husband's been shot?
That's all I found. I enjoyed reading it--
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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That was a good catch. Thanks. I think I just want to portray the mother in shock with a description of the scene. To write about her feelings would change the POV, in my opinion. What do you think? Thanks for a great review.
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You're right about the POV. I got so caught up in the scene I forgot it was Timmy watching it. Sorry about that--
Comment from mr elis
Is this a one act play?The language let the readers feel they are in a play of course language chosen by writers are always strong and seem,like the setting is in out squirt, of the cities.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Is this a one act play?The language let the readers feel they are in a play of course language chosen by writers are always strong and seem,like the setting is in out squirt, of the cities.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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No, it's a flashback as the priest's life passes before him before he is killed. Is there a way I can makae that clearer? Thanks for a good review.
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I meant "make", of course.
Comment from debskatz
Hey Al,
Well, the writing is pretty darn good. I liked the way you went back and forth from present to past. They were all smooth transitions. You made each character real. Already given my last 6, or you'd have it, my friend!
Thanks for sharing it with us!
smiles,
deb
btw, I'm writing a romance novel between a female doctor and a female patient, if you'd care to take a look. It's called "Forbidden Love" and chapters 6 & 7 are up & paying pretty well. Would love to have your insight on it.
:-)
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2012
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Hey Al,
Well, the writing is pretty darn good. I liked the way you went back and forth from present to past. They were all smooth transitions. You made each character real. Already given my last 6, or you'd have it, my friend!
Thanks for sharing it with us!
smiles,
deb
btw, I'm writing a romance novel between a female doctor and a female patient, if you'd care to take a look. It's called "Forbidden Love" and chapters 6 & 7 are up & paying pretty well. Would love to have your insight on it.
:-)
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2012
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I can't find this work. What is the URL?
Comment from MAMONIA
What a fantastic story. I compliment you on
the well written dialogue and the interesting
way you presented this story.
There was not a moment's hesitation in the
narrative, separated by dialogue, which made
it more than just reading prose.
I loved the writing, the idea of the story
and the thrilling way you ended it.
Fabulous work.
Your student, Marie
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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What a fantastic story. I compliment you on
the well written dialogue and the interesting
way you presented this story.
There was not a moment's hesitation in the
narrative, separated by dialogue, which made
it more than just reading prose.
I loved the writing, the idea of the story
and the thrilling way you ended it.
Fabulous work.
Your student, Marie
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Thanks for the exceptional review. I am incredibly grateful. I haven't written prose in a long time.
Comment from Hareem.S
It is a very good story which I totally enjoyed reading as it is very informative and tells about a lot of customs. It kept me engaged till the end. Enjoyed reading it.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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It is a very good story which I totally enjoyed reading as it is very informative and tells about a lot of customs. It kept me engaged till the end. Enjoyed reading it.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Thanks for an excellent review. I am quite grateful.
Comment from Lydia11
Brilliant. Way better than my own weak attempt for a horror story. Very well done. I always tell my family that the news is true horror--not silly fake movies. With all the controversy surrounding the Catholic church, and I'm an ex-Cath, it's amazing how you encapsulated so many of it's politically incorrect doctrines without going for it's typical one (paedophilia).That's truly traditional Irish mentality too. Look out "Angela's Ashes"!
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Brilliant. Way better than my own weak attempt for a horror story. Very well done. I always tell my family that the news is true horror--not silly fake movies. With all the controversy surrounding the Catholic church, and I'm an ex-Cath, it's amazing how you encapsulated so many of it's politically incorrect doctrines without going for it's typical one (paedophilia).That's truly traditional Irish mentality too. Look out "Angela's Ashes"!
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Thanks for an exceptional reivew. I am most grateful. I am gald someone caught the struggle betweeen tradition and postmodernity in this piece.
Comment from IndianaIrish
Alvin, this story completely captivated me and I wouldn't have stopped reading it even if Johnny Depp came to the door. I liked the way you weaved the backstory into the story and the brothers seemed so real to me. There sure was a time when the tradition of the second son becoming a priest (especially in Irish families) was accepted without question. You portray the brother's differences and their painful acceptance of their destiny very well.
I do have a couple of questions...
When she found out she was pregnant, she had twins.
I ate him! In the womb!
"Where's the perp?" Jack said. He was both confused and angry.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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Alvin, this story completely captivated me and I wouldn't have stopped reading it even if Johnny Depp came to the door. I liked the way you weaved the backstory into the story and the brothers seemed so real to me. There sure was a time when the tradition of the second son becoming a priest (especially in Irish families) was accepted without question. You portray the brother's differences and their painful acceptance of their destiny very well.
I do have a couple of questions...
When she found out she was pregnant, she had twins.
I ate him! In the womb!
"Where's the perp?" Jack said. He was both confused and angry.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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Thanks, Karyn. I think I fixed the first two places that you mentioned, but I am not so sure what is wrong with the third. Would you be so kind as to clarify that for me?
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Thanks, Karyn. I think I fixed the first two places that you mentioned, but I am not so sure what is wrong with the third. Would you be so kind as to clarify that for me?
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I somehow entered the review before I was done...here's what I wrote.
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When she found out she was pregnant, she had twins. (The way this is worded, Teach, it sounds like she gave birth to twins. I suggest to reword to something like...When she found out she was pregnant, the doctor told her it was twins.)
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I'm gonna have to PM you...it all won't go through.
Comment from Allezw2
Master ATE,
Nicely done, so many twists it's helical.
Murdering priests in the confessional is a popular tour de force. They vary from Harry Harrison's original story to the Chuck Connors' execution of the sad confessor in the booth as the most dramatic public depiction.
Even more so is that of the priest who defies his vows and reveals a confidence.
Nicely done, as the level of violence on one hand and the despair on the other vary directly.
Nicely done,
Fantasist
PS - Best of circumstance in your endeavor.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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Master ATE,
Nicely done, so many twists it's helical.
Murdering priests in the confessional is a popular tour de force. They vary from Harry Harrison's original story to the Chuck Connors' execution of the sad confessor in the booth as the most dramatic public depiction.
Even more so is that of the priest who defies his vows and reveals a confidence.
Nicely done, as the level of violence on one hand and the despair on the other vary directly.
Nicely done,
Fantasist
PS - Best of circumstance in your endeavor.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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I didn't realize murder in the confessional was so prevalent--I don't read much popular literature. Thanks for a great review. I am surprised reviewers didn't pick up the contrast bewteen the brothers, the Cain and Abel theme, and the conflict between postmodernity and tradition.
Comment from Jan Anderegg
If only I had a six star left to give this. Perhaps I can come back in a few days, and change it. I think the story is excellent, and I didn't have any issues with the switching between past and present - it was smoothly done.
A sad ending but the story-telling is great.
Jan
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
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If only I had a six star left to give this. Perhaps I can come back in a few days, and change it. I think the story is excellent, and I didn't have any issues with the switching between past and present - it was smoothly done.
A sad ending but the story-telling is great.
Jan
Comment Written 28-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
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No, you can't do that any longer (upgrade to a six.)Thanks for an excellent review. I am really grateful for your comments. I am surprised that no reviewer has picked up on the contrast between two sets of brothers, the Cain and Abel reference, and the struggle of tradition versus modernity. Thanks again.
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You are so welcome!
Comment from honeytree
The art work is very telling, the words written very strong.
Having any kind of sex with someone who is underage
Is not right.
I am sure this kind of behavior can happen.
I am not a nun and certainly not a brother or priest
This sort of behavior must stop.
Honey tree
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
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The art work is very telling, the words written very strong.
Having any kind of sex with someone who is underage
Is not right.
I am sure this kind of behavior can happen.
I am not a nun and certainly not a brother or priest
This sort of behavior must stop.
Honey tree
Comment Written 27-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
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I didn't mean to impy there was sex with someone who is underage. I need to change what suggests that. Where did you see that? Thanks for your review.