Old Decrepit Woman Revised.
Written about a painting I saw.177 total reviews
Comment from MizKat
Justin - Wow!! This is a wonderfully written poem. I enjoyed it from beginning to end and found it to be most interesting. Kat
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2011
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Justin - Wow!! This is a wonderfully written poem. I enjoyed it from beginning to end and found it to be most interesting. Kat
Comment Written 26-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2011
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Thank you Kat.
Comment from Hopeful_butterfly
This is very well-written poem capturing the injustice that life brings to innocent victims. The analogies and words twist and turn adding to the effect of victimisation and injustice of society and life. You have successfully turned your thoughts and feelings from a painting into a touching poem. Thank you for sharing and high-lighting the plight of those who need most help and hope.
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2011
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This is very well-written poem capturing the injustice that life brings to innocent victims. The analogies and words twist and turn adding to the effect of victimisation and injustice of society and life. You have successfully turned your thoughts and feelings from a painting into a touching poem. Thank you for sharing and high-lighting the plight of those who need most help and hope.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2011
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Thanks butterfly.
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You are welcome Justin.
Comment from Xylok
intense. very. love the creative line about the raisin, the poseidon, referring to her as daughter of eve, bit overdone, but works in this context anyway for some reason, and the closing couplet is way gnarly. excellent job; your love for humanity shines through in this, or you're an excellent faker; one of the two. either way, superb post.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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intense. very. love the creative line about the raisin, the poseidon, referring to her as daughter of eve, bit overdone, but works in this context anyway for some reason, and the closing couplet is way gnarly. excellent job; your love for humanity shines through in this, or you're an excellent faker; one of the two. either way, superb post.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Thanks Xylok.
Comment from lishareading
I really love the story you tell about this beautiful portrait. It is a very heart-wrenching story that has spoken to me for a very long time, and I have studied the Hopi Indians and their cosmology in-depth while taking cultural anthropology as an undergraduate. The Native Americans are so fascinating and we simply did what you said, "thrown them into the snake pit" without thinking twice about their value to our society. The only reason I did not give you a six was because of the rhythm of the poem; I felt that your beautiful concepts deserved to be more artistic. And that may be by simply just shortening the lines by not using so many adverbs, conjunctions, etc. Sometimes, these are all unnecessary. Ex: Shivering in silence, holding your bruised and beaten baby. Just thinkin'
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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I really love the story you tell about this beautiful portrait. It is a very heart-wrenching story that has spoken to me for a very long time, and I have studied the Hopi Indians and their cosmology in-depth while taking cultural anthropology as an undergraduate. The Native Americans are so fascinating and we simply did what you said, "thrown them into the snake pit" without thinking twice about their value to our society. The only reason I did not give you a six was because of the rhythm of the poem; I felt that your beautiful concepts deserved to be more artistic. And that may be by simply just shortening the lines by not using so many adverbs, conjunctions, etc. Sometimes, these are all unnecessary. Ex: Shivering in silence, holding your bruised and beaten baby. Just thinkin'
Comment Written 26-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Thank you Lisha.
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Most welcome.
Comment from Linda England Bonam
I think I read this the first time and liked it! I wasn't sure why you revised what was already good, but I am sure you had your reasons! I enjoyed reading it and I think you have put alot of thought into something that was only a painting! Good job! I always enjoy reading your work, and look forward to more!
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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I think I read this the first time and liked it! I wasn't sure why you revised what was already good, but I am sure you had your reasons! I enjoyed reading it and I think you have put alot of thought into something that was only a painting! Good job! I always enjoy reading your work, and look forward to more!
Comment Written 26-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Thank you Linda.
Comment from pigwit
I was driving through Bangalore India once and saw an old woman close to death on the side of the road. I think this poem would have described her state of life very close to this poem.
Thought provoking.
Pigwit
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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I was driving through Bangalore India once and saw an old woman close to death on the side of the road. I think this poem would have described her state of life very close to this poem.
Thought provoking.
Pigwit
Comment Written 26-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Thank you pigwit.
Comment from rawahymis
Well expressed resultant emotion, B R.
Starting quietly, your lines get emotionally stronger, giving the picture more characteristics, bringing her closer to you and the reader.
It concludes by projecting the subject to the pain and suffering some of mankind is subjected to.
Mankind has no answer as to why so many suffer and are subjected to cruelty and hunger for no good reason.
Best wishes.
rawahy
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Well expressed resultant emotion, B R.
Starting quietly, your lines get emotionally stronger, giving the picture more characteristics, bringing her closer to you and the reader.
It concludes by projecting the subject to the pain and suffering some of mankind is subjected to.
Mankind has no answer as to why so many suffer and are subjected to cruelty and hunger for no good reason.
Best wishes.
rawahy
Comment Written 26-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Thank you Raw.
Comment from phattp
Very strong imagery. It's a powerful poem that conveys a feeling of resigned sadness.It stimulates the imagination without overfeeding it.
Well done and have a great day :) P.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Very strong imagery. It's a powerful poem that conveys a feeling of resigned sadness.It stimulates the imagination without overfeeding it.
Well done and have a great day :) P.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Thank you Phat.
Comment from Blu Rider
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The many repeats of 'old decrepit woman' irritate long before the end. The photograph chosen as illustration is not at all appropriate to the subject or the language used, since the lady in question appears in fine health and fettle. Could not the painting claimed as inspiration have been used?
Full of disjointed platitudes with very little in the way of original observation or human insight, the conclusion drawn is a cliche in itself. And the author's notes are poorly spelt.
The one excellently poetic phrase "weltering, ravished and ripped apart" has been ruined by the facile and muddled simile that follows, of "a raisin losing its breath."
I found this piece as a whole to be poorly conceived and composed. -Blu
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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The many repeats of 'old decrepit woman' irritate long before the end. The photograph chosen as illustration is not at all appropriate to the subject or the language used, since the lady in question appears in fine health and fettle. Could not the painting claimed as inspiration have been used?
Full of disjointed platitudes with very little in the way of original observation or human insight, the conclusion drawn is a cliche in itself. And the author's notes are poorly spelt.
The one excellently poetic phrase "weltering, ravished and ripped apart" has been ruined by the facile and muddled simile that follows, of "a raisin losing its breath."
I found this piece as a whole to be poorly conceived and composed. -Blu
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Thanks Blu.
Comment from amahra
I thought the word, "Old decrepit woman" was used too much. I read the author notes and understand the muse, but the poem just didn't speak anything to me except to berate this beautiful elderly woman who will probably out live us all.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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I thought the word, "Old decrepit woman" was used too much. I read the author notes and understand the muse, but the poem just didn't speak anything to me except to berate this beautiful elderly woman who will probably out live us all.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Thank you amahra.