The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 33 "James In Charge"A family learns their father is a serial killer
33 total reviews
Comment from axelbeariter
The tension in the room was so thick it left little room for air, making it hard to breathe./making it hard to breathe is not realistic. Tension can't cause that, although it may seem that way. Find another way to describe the thickness of the tension----Triggered by a unfamiliar flash of emotion, my mind drifted into a different direction. /a s/b an and drifted toward works smoother than into----Confirmed by Mom then Grandpa's letter,/Use and then or Mom, then----but we have to follow police proper procedure..."/put proper before police----What if Grandma was one of his victims? That would explain why no one knew her and why there was no record of her."/nice deduction----Again, I interrupted Mac./Before the previous sentence, the ... denotes a trailing off of a word in a sentence, making it incomplete, while two em dashes -- shows an interruption in dialogue that needs no attribution (Again, I interrupted Mac)----My heart was racing again./My heart raced again--makes it an active sentence----"Yeah, what's going on in the oversized brain of yours?"/Use, that oversized brain instead of the----Very brainy chapter.
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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The tension in the room was so thick it left little room for air, making it hard to breathe./making it hard to breathe is not realistic. Tension can't cause that, although it may seem that way. Find another way to describe the thickness of the tension----Triggered by a unfamiliar flash of emotion, my mind drifted into a different direction. /a s/b an and drifted toward works smoother than into----Confirmed by Mom then Grandpa's letter,/Use and then or Mom, then----but we have to follow police proper procedure..."/put proper before police----What if Grandma was one of his victims? That would explain why no one knew her and why there was no record of her."/nice deduction----Again, I interrupted Mac./Before the previous sentence, the ... denotes a trailing off of a word in a sentence, making it incomplete, while two em dashes -- shows an interruption in dialogue that needs no attribution (Again, I interrupted Mac)----My heart was racing again./My heart raced again--makes it an active sentence----"Yeah, what's going on in the oversized brain of yours?"/Use, that oversized brain instead of the----Very brainy chapter.
Comment Written 15-May-2011
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Thank you for the excellent suggestions and catching the spags. I always appreciate the time you take to help me improve each chapter.
Comment from jsblume
This is a great scene. The action and dialog are terrific. The plot is moving forward at a good pace.
Just a few suggestions:
Confirmed by Mom then Grandpa's letter
Confirmed by Mom and then Grandpa's letter
follow police proper procedure..."
follow proper police procedure..."
and it is determined all three were murderd
and it is determined all three were murdered
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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This is a great scene. The action and dialog are terrific. The plot is moving forward at a good pace.
Just a few suggestions:
Confirmed by Mom then Grandpa's letter
Confirmed by Mom and then Grandpa's letter
follow police proper procedure..."
follow proper police procedure..."
and it is determined all three were murderd
and it is determined all three were murdered
Comment Written 15-May-2011
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Thanks for catching the spags. I appreciate it. I am also pleased you enjoyed the dialogue in this one.
Comment from Gungalo
Gosh you, this story is certainly one that keeps my interest. It is so full of intrigue that one has to keep reading to see what comes next. I like the way you show the progression of the case here and also his thinking and planning to get his dad to tell what he needs to know. Well written and wonderfully conceived!!!!
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Gosh you, this story is certainly one that keeps my interest. It is so full of intrigue that one has to keep reading to see what comes next. I like the way you show the progression of the case here and also his thinking and planning to get his dad to tell what he needs to know. Well written and wonderfully conceived!!!!
Comment Written 15-May-2011
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Thanks, I am very pleased you are enjoying this and that it is keeping your interest.
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Oh that it is girl, that it is!!!!
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Sasha, this is quite a complicated chapter. I wonder why James did not insist to read the other letter for more clarification of the matter. I look forward to what James is up to.
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Hi, Sasha, this is quite a complicated chapter. I wonder why James did not insist to read the other letter for more clarification of the matter. I look forward to what James is up to.
Comment Written 15-May-2011
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Mac put it into evidence and that means no one can read it until forensics has gone over it. He felt that fingerprints and possible DNA evidence outweighed curiosity. This is typical police procedure. The were able to read the letter from Grandpa because it had already been opened. I hope the clears up any confusion.
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Thanks. so it seems that James knew the procedure too ...
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi Smurphy
I certainly wouldn't want to play a game of chess with James! He seems to anticipate every move.
Another episode replete with great dialogue and descriptions maintaining the tension.
Ron
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Hi Smurphy
I certainly wouldn't want to play a game of chess with James! He seems to anticipate every move.
Another episode replete with great dialogue and descriptions maintaining the tension.
Ron
Comment Written 15-May-2011
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Thanks so much. I am pleased you enjoyed this one and find James a believable character.
Comment from Lisaarrs
The conflict is very well described and the amount of suspense in the story is just right. Great use of dialogue and the flow of the story was well written. Easy to follow, and the plot kept me interested in reading more about it. Great job!
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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The conflict is very well described and the amount of suspense in the story is just right. Great use of dialogue and the flow of the story was well written. Easy to follow, and the plot kept me interested in reading more about it. Great job!
Comment Written 15-May-2011
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Thank you so much. I am thrilled it kept you interested.
Comment from c_lucas
James is on a roll. He knows how his father is thinking and will use it against him. This is very well written with good imagery.
Question:
What are the chances of keeping Dad and his attorney (you are overlooking the Discovery Clause. The attorney has to be informed of any new evidence.)
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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James is on a roll. He knows how his father is thinking and will use it against him. This is very well written with good imagery.
Question:
What are the chances of keeping Dad and his attorney (you are overlooking the Discovery Clause. The attorney has to be informed of any new evidence.)
Comment Written 15-May-2011
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Only after he is charged with a crime does the discovery clause come into effect. Until then the police do not have to tell either him or his attorney anything. As long as it is still an investigation, they don't have to say a word. I hope that clears up any confusion. Glad you liked this one.
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Thanks. You're welcome, Sasha. Charlie
Comment from jehanned
The story is intriguing, and as I have done this kind of questioning to people before when trying to figure something out, I feel that it is very plausible. The readership should be able to feel an honest connection to the characters. Nice!
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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The story is intriguing, and as I have done this kind of questioning to people before when trying to figure something out, I feel that it is very plausible. The readership should be able to feel an honest connection to the characters. Nice!
Comment Written 15-May-2011
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Thank you very much. I am thrilled you enjoyed this one and felt it was plausible.
Comment from quashdog
Things are moving quickly here. It must be sucky to suspect your own dad of being a serial killer. This story proved to be intriguing and kept my interest from start to finish.
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Things are moving quickly here. It must be sucky to suspect your own dad of being a serial killer. This story proved to be intriguing and kept my interest from start to finish.
Comment Written 15-May-2011
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Thanks you so very much.
Comment from Deejharrington
James has proved it again, he is a few steps ahead of everyone else. He's going to make his father believe he has the list, I bet. The story continues to fascinate and try to figure out what will happen next.
How have you been feeling? Glad to see you posting again.
deb
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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James has proved it again, he is a few steps ahead of everyone else. He's going to make his father believe he has the list, I bet. The story continues to fascinate and try to figure out what will happen next.
How have you been feeling? Glad to see you posting again.
deb
Comment Written 15-May-2011
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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I feel great but I broke my trifocal glasses and have to use my bifocal...it is not fun being blind. I am thrilled you enjoyed this one and thanks for the great review.
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if it's not one thing, it's another
deb