The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 32 "An Unexpected U-Turn"A family learns their father is a serial killer
30 total reviews
Comment from Belinda
Wow Sasha ... isn't that a shock, what James discovers from the letter? I'm sure there will be more shocking revelations in future chapters. I'd like to point out how I admire the way you describe Mac's expression:
As I spoke, I watched intensely as the expression on Mac's face changed from surprise, to curiosity, to 'I already knew that', and back again to surprise.
reply by the author on 12-May-2011
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Wow Sasha ... isn't that a shock, what James discovers from the letter? I'm sure there will be more shocking revelations in future chapters. I'd like to point out how I admire the way you describe Mac's expression:
As I spoke, I watched intensely as the expression on Mac's face changed from surprise, to curiosity, to 'I already knew that', and back again to surprise.
Comment Written 12-May-2011
reply by the author on 12-May-2011
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I often find that people's expression are a combination of many. I was just playing with this one and am pleased you liked it.
Comment from Gungalo
Yeow!!! What a smack in the face that letter is, eh? Guess it surely will chnnge things, especially if the map is in there. Good grief, this family is so messed up!!!!
Great writing you. I just love it!!!
reply by the author on 12-May-2011
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Yeow!!! What a smack in the face that letter is, eh? Guess it surely will chnnge things, especially if the map is in there. Good grief, this family is so messed up!!!!
Great writing you. I just love it!!!
Comment Written 12-May-2011
reply by the author on 12-May-2011
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They give a whole no meaning to 'dysfunctional'...lol
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I'd say!!!! LOL.
Comment from Permelia
I think you are doing an excellent job conveying your thoughts. When I read the expression - "induced fire raging" aptly described how I felt yesterday.- I ended up in the Er yesterday because of drinking a glass of orange juice - and along with the wrong pill my doctor her prescribed and I was allergic to it. It sure felt as if I had an instant ulcers.
You do have a couple of little things to take care of-
induced fired raging - fire
anything you father
reply by the author on 12-May-2011
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I think you are doing an excellent job conveying your thoughts. When I read the expression - "induced fire raging" aptly described how I felt yesterday.- I ended up in the Er yesterday because of drinking a glass of orange juice - and along with the wrong pill my doctor her prescribed and I was allergic to it. It sure felt as if I had an instant ulcers.
You do have a couple of little things to take care of-
induced fired raging - fire
anything you father
Comment Written 12-May-2011
reply by the author on 12-May-2011
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I am pleased to hear you are okay. I am lucky any as far as I know only allergic to codeine. Thanks for catching the spags.
Comment from c_lucas
You have some excillent twests and turns in this chapter. It is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an interesting read.
Errors and observations:
Whatcom County Police discovered three bodies on your grandfather's property (After all these years, they would be skeletons, not bodies.)
He pulled out two surgical goves (gloves) from his coat
"That may explain who the three bodies (skeletons) belong to, but I doubt anything you (your) father told your mother
reply by the author on 12-May-2011
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You have some excillent twests and turns in this chapter. It is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an interesting read.
Errors and observations:
Whatcom County Police discovered three bodies on your grandfather's property (After all these years, they would be skeletons, not bodies.)
He pulled out two surgical goves (gloves) from his coat
"That may explain who the three bodies (skeletons) belong to, but I doubt anything you (your) father told your mother
Comment Written 12-May-2011
reply by the author on 12-May-2011
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You are definitely right. After nine years, they would no longer be bodies. Thanks for catching that and the other spag. Glad you liked this one.
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You're welcome, Sasha. Charlie
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi Smurphy
Great chapter. One of the problems of posting on FanStory is we have time gaps between the installments, and we're also reading other people's stuff. So a chapter that explains previous happenings, like this one, is extremely useful.
Felt a little weird reading the father's letter - knowing what we know.
I felt you had handled it beautifully, and wouldn't change a thing.
Ron
reply by the author on 12-May-2011
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Hi Smurphy
Great chapter. One of the problems of posting on FanStory is we have time gaps between the installments, and we're also reading other people's stuff. So a chapter that explains previous happenings, like this one, is extremely useful.
Felt a little weird reading the father's letter - knowing what we know.
I felt you had handled it beautifully, and wouldn't change a thing.
Ron
Comment Written 12-May-2011
reply by the author on 12-May-2011
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Knowing Grandpa is dead and dear old Dad is in prison hopefully lessons the grisly details....maybe not. Glad youl iked this one.
Comment from Janie King
This reads very well and is nicely done, You ahve a good command of word usage, I had no problem visualizing what your were saying. I normally don't read this kind of story. I'm female living alone with a very active mind. But, I should still be able to sleep tonight. God job and God bless.
reply by the author on 12-May-2011
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This reads very well and is nicely done, You ahve a good command of word usage, I had no problem visualizing what your were saying. I normally don't read this kind of story. I'm female living alone with a very active mind. But, I should still be able to sleep tonight. God job and God bless.
Comment Written 12-May-2011
reply by the author on 12-May-2011
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You can definitely sleep knowing that Grandpa is dead and dear old Dad is already in prison. Glad you enjoyed this. Sleep tight!
Comment from lola29
I could never be a detective and work on on a case involving a serial killer. It would be too debilitating--emotionally and physically. I like Mac a lot. He's smart but most importantly, he's compassionate. I don't know he's maintained his composure through this. Excellent chapter.
anxiety-induced (fire)
reply by the author on 12-May-2011
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I could never be a detective and work on on a case involving a serial killer. It would be too debilitating--emotionally and physically. I like Mac a lot. He's smart but most importantly, he's compassionate. I don't know he's maintained his composure through this. Excellent chapter.
anxiety-induced (fire)
Comment Written 12-May-2011
reply by the author on 12-May-2011
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I wouldn't want to be a homicide detective but I also wouldn't want to be a lawyer either...maybe a stand up comic would be a better choice for me. Glad you liked this one.
Comment from jsblume
Wow! This is the first chapter I've read in this book, and it is amazing. I did not feel that odd feeling of missing something as I usually do when I read a later chapter first. The characters are strong and the plot is intriguing. I noticed some SPAG errors.
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reply by the author on 12-May-2011
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Wow! This is the first chapter I've read in this book, and it is amazing. I did not feel that odd feeling of missing something as I usually do when I read a later chapter first. The characters are strong and the plot is intriguing. I noticed some SPAG errors.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-May-2011
reply by the author on 12-May-2011
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I think I caught most of the spags...I just finished going back over it. I am pleased you enjoyed this especially knowing you have not read previous chapter.
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I remember reading some of your writing a few years ago, I had an account under jsweeney42. I'm impressed with the quantity and quality of your writing.
Comment from Halfree
Ok...OK...OK Back on track. Scene is most believable, the beer and talk good.Helped carry thr story. You have some good cliff-hanger lines and the tension is built perfectly. Good read for me.
reply by the author on 12-May-2011
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Ok...OK...OK Back on track. Scene is most believable, the beer and talk good.Helped carry thr story. You have some good cliff-hanger lines and the tension is built perfectly. Good read for me.
Comment Written 12-May-2011
reply by the author on 12-May-2011
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This was a hard chapter, so technical. I am still not 100 percent pleased but I can always go back and work on it later. Thanks so much for the 6 stars, I sincerely appreciate them.
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I think you are right.Do some rewrite.I like it and see the great story.
Comment from adewpearl
the two envelopes laying on the desk -lying on the desk
my heart began to race frantically, pumping so much adrenaline - add the comma
Wow, the news of those bodies is enough to take the wind out of anyone's sails
typo - evidence of a continuos pattern of criminal activity - continuous
typo - he pulled out two surgical Cloves from his coat pocket - gloves
No, Jame's, that the law - that's the law
I would make sure you reretted turning your back - regretted
OH, how horrific that Grandpa took dad out hunting for young women and then kept a journal of it all.
That is one horrific and totally creepy and threatening letter
Why in the name of God, would your grandfather send this - drop the comma
Oh, what a dramatic ending to this chapter - I can't tell you how much I feel James's pain and frustration Brooke
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-May-2011
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the two envelopes laying on the desk -lying on the desk
my heart began to race frantically, pumping so much adrenaline - add the comma
Wow, the news of those bodies is enough to take the wind out of anyone's sails
typo - evidence of a continuos pattern of criminal activity - continuous
typo - he pulled out two surgical Cloves from his coat pocket - gloves
No, Jame's, that the law - that's the law
I would make sure you reretted turning your back - regretted
OH, how horrific that Grandpa took dad out hunting for young women and then kept a journal of it all.
That is one horrific and totally creepy and threatening letter
Why in the name of God, would your grandfather send this - drop the comma
Oh, what a dramatic ending to this chapter - I can't tell you how much I feel James's pain and frustration Brooke
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-May-2011
reply by the author on 12-May-2011
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I was praying you'd be the first to read this. My eyes are literally crossed from staring at this bloody screen. Yeah, Grandpa's is about as creepy as dear old dad.
