You're Out!
38 total reviews
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I was confused at the beginning on who was on the inside and who was on the outside of the door. You may want to take another look. Of course, if I'm the only reader who was confused, forget it.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2011
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I was confused at the beginning on who was on the inside and who was on the outside of the door. You may want to take another look. Of course, if I'm the only reader who was confused, forget it.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2011
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Hey Barbara, I had to start it that way, use that sentence, for the contest. It's one of the things that makes it hard to use the middle of a book for a contest entry!
Thanks so much for the lovely stars, you're so appreciated,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from gauntlet
That was awesome. Dennis got just what he deserved to the letter. Now Frankie is a wildcard, much dangerous than her brother. Very scary. I was kind of wondering why Jim and Lenny didn't shoot him or something right when he came in instead of giving him a chance to hit Sam and put the dogs in danger. I guess they figured he wouldn't have a chance against Tony and Bella? I have no idea what's going to happen next with Frankie. Should be interesting!
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2011
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That was awesome. Dennis got just what he deserved to the letter. Now Frankie is a wildcard, much dangerous than her brother. Very scary. I was kind of wondering why Jim and Lenny didn't shoot him or something right when he came in instead of giving him a chance to hit Sam and put the dogs in danger. I guess they figured he wouldn't have a chance against Tony and Bella? I have no idea what's going to happen next with Frankie. Should be interesting!
Comment Written 28-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2011
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Hey Charlie,I think the reason why they held off doing anything was they needed him to say or do something to Peggy, so they could make the connection. Once he pulled the knife, they sent the dogs in. Perhaps they wanted to take Dennis alive, which is normally something Tony's 'trick' accomplishes..at least in the past!
At this point, they don't even have his name yet! Hopefully when they do, they'll find out about Frankie, too.
Hey, thanks so much for the compliments and wonderful comments. You're so appreciated!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Connie P
I'm glad the Carver is gone, but it sounds like Peggy is in for more problems.
Note: *He flipped over on his back with amazing speed for *(a one) of his size, but Tony was quicker.
Connie
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2011
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I'm glad the Carver is gone, but it sounds like Peggy is in for more problems.
Note: *He flipped over on his back with amazing speed for *(a one) of his size, but Tony was quicker.
Connie
Comment Written 28-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2011
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Hey Connie,
I'm so glad you enjoyed this one and thanks for the vote of confidence. I can't thank you enough for the comments. Let me catch that edit right now.
Hugs,
gayle
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written with good form and good flow, a great job writing this story about revenge, i enjoyed reading it and wish you the best of luck in the contest
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2011
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this is very well written with good form and good flow, a great job writing this story about revenge, i enjoyed reading it and wish you the best of luck in the contest
Comment Written 28-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2011
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Hi there and thank you so much for the vote of confidence. This is actually a middle chapter of a book, but the whole prompt just fit so well.
Thanks again,
Gayle
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Author,
This is a very intense story that had me on the edge of my seat. You developed your characters well and your descriptions of the dogs and their attempt to save their masters is fast paced and well written. A couple of times I was confused about who was who but in the end I understood. Well done and good luck in the contest....chey
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2011
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Hi Author,
This is a very intense story that had me on the edge of my seat. You developed your characters well and your descriptions of the dogs and their attempt to save their masters is fast paced and well written. A couple of times I was confused about who was who but in the end I understood. Well done and good luck in the contest....chey
Comment Written 28-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2011
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Hi Chey,
I so appreciate the best wishes and your comments are wonderful. This is actually a middle chapter of a novel, so there's no wonder you were a bit lost. But thanks so much for the great review,
Gayle
Comment from nor84
In the paragraph where Dennis barrels into the room, there's 'one swift move' and 'one punch' in the same sentence. Might want to substitute 'single' for one of the ones.
Check out the number of times "Dennis" is mentioned. I didn't count them, but probably you should. They jumped out at me.
Good one, sis. No spag seen, just a possible overuse of Dennis.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2011
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In the paragraph where Dennis barrels into the room, there's 'one swift move' and 'one punch' in the same sentence. Might want to substitute 'single' for one of the ones.
Check out the number of times "Dennis" is mentioned. I didn't count them, but probably you should. They jumped out at me.
Good one, sis. No spag seen, just a possible overuse of Dennis.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2011
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Hi Norma,
Gosh, this was so much fun to write and the prompt, lol, I mean, it just FIT so well.
Okay, I'll check Dennis again and, certainly will tone them down before we pub it. Oh my, so glad you liked this one.
Big hugs,
Gayle
Comment from allinmyhead
As I read through this piece, I realized I must have popped into the middle of a story. It read more like a chapter more than a stand-alone piece (for "This Sentence Starts the Story"), which explains a bit of my confusion. That said, I thought it was a breathless ride: very exciting.
Good tension in the opening lines. Keeps the reader reading. Excellent use of action such as, 'driving the knob into the wall' to create powerful descriptions. Very visual.
Another good pairing is 'lethal intent'. Strong.
Because I am not up-to-speed with previous chapters, I was confused at first with the introduction of Tony (fangs). It wasn't until I read further that I grasped the fact that, yes, there were two dogs involved in the fray.
Nit: "He staggered backward, but maintained his feet." I would change 'feet' to 'footing' or to 'stayed upright'.
The ending -- Frankie's uncontrolled fury and helpless tears-- was a great combo. Her instability leaves the reader wondering what nutso tactics she will use to have her revenge.
Lots of characters and action, which I found a bit hard to keep track of (again, probably because I haven't read the prior chapters); however, I still found the story to be well-written and very strong, peopled with characters that rose well above the sterotypical, cardboard 'cops and robbers' types found in most detective novels.
I would read more of this one.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2011
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As I read through this piece, I realized I must have popped into the middle of a story. It read more like a chapter more than a stand-alone piece (for "This Sentence Starts the Story"), which explains a bit of my confusion. That said, I thought it was a breathless ride: very exciting.
Good tension in the opening lines. Keeps the reader reading. Excellent use of action such as, 'driving the knob into the wall' to create powerful descriptions. Very visual.
Another good pairing is 'lethal intent'. Strong.
Because I am not up-to-speed with previous chapters, I was confused at first with the introduction of Tony (fangs). It wasn't until I read further that I grasped the fact that, yes, there were two dogs involved in the fray.
Nit: "He staggered backward, but maintained his feet." I would change 'feet' to 'footing' or to 'stayed upright'.
The ending -- Frankie's uncontrolled fury and helpless tears-- was a great combo. Her instability leaves the reader wondering what nutso tactics she will use to have her revenge.
Lots of characters and action, which I found a bit hard to keep track of (again, probably because I haven't read the prior chapters); however, I still found the story to be well-written and very strong, peopled with characters that rose well above the sterotypical, cardboard 'cops and robbers' types found in most detective novels.
I would read more of this one.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2011
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Hey you, I'm not sure you've not caught one or two chapters! and yes, we're in the middle of a novel, so I was constricted by too much repetitiveness, and yet give the reader a shot. A fine balance, I must say.
I can't thank you enough for the enthusiasm and obvious enjoyment you had in this chapter. Just brings tears to these old eyes.
Thanks again
Gayle
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will try to backtrack and read. Not concerned about the $$ for reviewing right now as much as catching up with everyone's work.
Comment from c_lucas
I am wondering about Frankie's tears. Are they for her dead brother or from frustration of not being able to kill him herself? What happened to Dennis's fear of big dogs? I can understand Dennis acting out of fear, but Frankie makes no sense, uless she's crazy. The action scene seems to be out of skelter because everyone was in close quarters.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2011
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I am wondering about Frankie's tears. Are they for her dead brother or from frustration of not being able to kill him herself? What happened to Dennis's fear of big dogs? I can understand Dennis acting out of fear, but Frankie makes no sense, uless she's crazy. The action scene seems to be out of skelter because everyone was in close quarters.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2011
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Oh, she's crazy as can be, Charlie, kinda runs in the family, lol. Dennis, when he's in that mood, isn't afraid of the Devil, and when he gets a wild hair, he just goes for it. We'll have to see why Frankie's crying.
Thanks so much for the comments and fine review,
Hugs,
Gayle
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You're welcome, Gayle. Charlie
Comment from N.K. Wagner
Wow! Great way for Dennis to end. But Frankie is just as crazy as her brother, and she's the smarter of the two. Won't be sorry to see her go, as well. Very well done. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2011
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Wow! Great way for Dennis to end. But Frankie is just as crazy as her brother, and she's the smarter of the two. Won't be sorry to see her go, as well. Very well done. :) Nancy
Comment Written 28-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2011
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Hey Nancy,
This one just came out like a wind. I guess it was the prompt that started it, but it didn't take a nano-second to figure out where to do it.
Big grins, my friend, and hugs,
Gayle
Comment from shelley kaye
great use of the prompt sentence!
the continued story flowed well as a stand-alone
two things i noticed....
1) staring at the blood dripping from her nose. She pulled several tissues from the box on the table and began patting at the dog's lip. <-- she's staring at the blood on the NOSE and patting the LIP with a tissue - doesn't really match up, know what i mean?
2) shot and killed in the commission of a break-in and attempted murder of Peggy Packard, a Los Angeles resident who was visiting Vegas for the Christmas holidays <-- number one, how would the reporter get the name before the police? number two, i don't think they would announce the full name on live tv - just sayin' lol
other than that this was a great chapter AND contest story!
thanx for sharing and good luck!
michelle :)
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2011
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great use of the prompt sentence!
the continued story flowed well as a stand-alone
two things i noticed....
1) staring at the blood dripping from her nose. She pulled several tissues from the box on the table and began patting at the dog's lip. <-- she's staring at the blood on the NOSE and patting the LIP with a tissue - doesn't really match up, know what i mean?
2) shot and killed in the commission of a break-in and attempted murder of Peggy Packard, a Los Angeles resident who was visiting Vegas for the Christmas holidays <-- number one, how would the reporter get the name before the police? number two, i don't think they would announce the full name on live tv - just sayin' lol
other than that this was a great chapter AND contest story!
thanx for sharing and good luck!
michelle :)
Comment Written 28-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2011
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Hey Cali Gyrl,
Two good ones. Okay, think of a dog facing you, the blood would flow down from the nose to the lip, right? In my mind, and much to the chagrin of my doggies, I tried it. Maybe she was afraid to make it bleed more. Okay, I need to get a little bit more time in there between the arrival of the cops and the arrival of the TV gal, don't I. Will do in the final, but I'm not sure what I should do at this point? What'cha think, my friend?
Again, you're such a special gal, great eyes!
Much love,
Gayle
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well you have the hotel security rushing in from the noise and gunshot.... but you didn't have them radio/call the cops.... yet all of a sudden they were there with the dufus reporter - how would the reporter know her name already? just felt really rushed there
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You're right, although one security dude stayed in the hall to call management and the cops, but you're right, the time is too quick. Will fix later! :)