The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "A Visit With Susan"A family learns their father is a serial killer
28 total reviews
Comment from sgalletti
I read this whole novel earlier my friend and get the jist. I'm enjoying how you are making alterations, and admit I may be way behind because I have missed chapters. However, I did get a bit confused about Charlie and James in this piece. Am I missing something in the opening italicized paragraph ("walking, ta..")? Cutting dad's pictures up must have been very cathartic for both of you! Hugs, Sue
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2011
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I read this whole novel earlier my friend and get the jist. I'm enjoying how you are making alterations, and admit I may be way behind because I have missed chapters. However, I did get a bit confused about Charlie and James in this piece. Am I missing something in the opening italicized paragraph ("walking, ta..")? Cutting dad's pictures up must have been very cathartic for both of you! Hugs, Sue
Comment Written 30-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2011
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I am obviously tired and fallen into Lala land. I cannot find the part you are referring to. Could you give me the entire sentence....my poor brain just can't do it on its own.
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Hi friend! I know Evil Eddie has been wreaking havoc of late. In the version I read, in the opening itslicized paragraph under Background, the last sentence reads: "His photographic memory has turned him into a walking, ta" and that's where it ends LOL! Hugs, Sue
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Yup, Evil Eddie hard at work again!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Seeing Susan in that state had to be heart breaking. You did a good job showing that.
Dr. Perez continued. "As you know, (comma after continued)
Dr. Perez smiled, "We usually prefer to wait a few days to allow the patient to settle into a routine. (period after smiled)
Charlie looked at Mom then at Dr. Perez, (period after Perez)
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2011
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Seeing Susan in that state had to be heart breaking. You did a good job showing that.
Dr. Perez continued. "As you know, (comma after continued)
Dr. Perez smiled, "We usually prefer to wait a few days to allow the patient to settle into a routine. (period after smiled)
Charlie looked at Mom then at Dr. Perez, (period after Perez)
Comment Written 30-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2011
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Thanks so much for catching the spags. I am starting to go cross-eyed with trying to proof my own work...just not possible. I am pleased you liked this one.
Comment from RKagan
It is amazing how one person in a family can cause all of this pain. His disfunction has taken it's toll on every member of the family. Next chapter should be very interesting.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2011
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It is amazing how one person in a family can cause all of this pain. His disfunction has taken it's toll on every member of the family. Next chapter should be very interesting.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2011
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Yes, I think it will be. Glad you liked this one.
Comment from Carolyn Hilliard
It's a good chapter; not dull at all. I did find an OOPs you'll wish to fix.
Dr. Perez said he thought the meeting went well and encouraged us to come back tomorrow. [Should be she thought. Dr. Perez is a woman]
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2011
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It's a good chapter; not dull at all. I did find an OOPs you'll wish to fix.
Dr. Perez said he thought the meeting went well and encouraged us to come back tomorrow. [Should be she thought. Dr. Perez is a woman]
Comment Written 30-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2011
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No, Dr. Perez is a man and Marilyn is the female nurse. Glad you didn't find this one too dull.
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BELOW MAKES IT SOUND LIKE DR. PEREZ IS FEMALE. I REALIZE THIS SOUNDS ARGUMENTATIVE; I DON'T MEAN IT TO --CONFUSED FIESTY
Surprisingly, we didn't have to wait long before the door opened and a tall, very attractive, blonde woman and a short, very young-looking doctor entered the room.
"Hello, Mrs. Martin. I am Dr. Perez and this is Marilyn, Susan's day nurse.
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BELOW MAKES IT SOUND LIKE DR. PEREZ IS FEMALE. I REALIZE THIS SOUNDS ARGUMENTATIVE; I DON'T MEAN IT TO --CONFUSED FIESTY
Surprisingly, we didn't have to wait long before the door opened and a tall, very attractive, blonde woman and a short, very young-looking doctor entered the room.
"Hello, Mrs. Martin. I am Dr. Perez and this is Marilyn, Susan's day nurse.
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attractive blonde woman AND a short, very young-looking doctor....I can see the confusion. I probably should add 'male' doctor....
Comment from c_lucas
This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an easy read. There is very good imagery. It looks like James is ready to take on the responsibilty of his family.
Question:
I feel believe (feel/believe which one?) she will make a full recovery."
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2011
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This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an easy read. There is very good imagery. It looks like James is ready to take on the responsibilty of his family.
Question:
I feel believe (feel/believe which one?) she will make a full recovery."
Comment Written 30-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2011
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Thanks for catching the spags. Hopefully the reader will realize that this will have its calm and tense moments. Glad you liked this one.
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You're welocme, Sasha. Charlie
Comment from adewpearl
None of us were hungry - was hungry
albums in a vice-like grip -
vise-like
opened the door, and after introducing - add comma
if she does not respond to you, this is not - replace comma with period
she is talking, which is a good sign - add comma
or shows any sign of stress, it is important - add comma
your Dad has agreed to see you - your dad
Every book has bridge chapters that are less intense than others - that's how life goes - you can't have a suicide scene or a confrontation in prison each and every chapter. I do hope reviewers understand that.
The dialogue and character development in this chapter is excellent, by the way :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2011
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None of us were hungry - was hungry
albums in a vice-like grip -
vise-like
opened the door, and after introducing - add comma
if she does not respond to you, this is not - replace comma with period
she is talking, which is a good sign - add comma
or shows any sign of stress, it is important - add comma
your Dad has agreed to see you - your dad
Every book has bridge chapters that are less intense than others - that's how life goes - you can't have a suicide scene or a confrontation in prison each and every chapter. I do hope reviewers understand that.
The dialogue and character development in this chapter is excellent, by the way :-) Brooke
Comment Written 30-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2011
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Thanks for catching the spags. Hopefully the reader will realize that this will have its calm and tense moments. Glad you liked this one.
Comment from itale
mac seems mysterious give your characters a bit more life don't shade them so much roll up the windows to determination write about happenings
in your life anyway luv ya
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reply by the author on 30-Jan-2011
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mac seems mysterious give your characters a bit more life don't shade them so much roll up the windows to determination write about happenings
in your life anyway luv ya
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2011
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This is not a stand alone story. In the fist 11 chapters I explain that this particular family has been controlled by their father all their life and have little skill in expressing themselves other than tears or anger. At this point, it is their actions that tell the reader who they are and how they feel.
Comment from lola29
Sasha, I'm so glad you are giving us a look inside the lives of a serial killer's family--it's heartbreaking to say the least. They have to live with such a awful stigma, and they did absolutely nothing wrong. I honestly don't know how Susan's boyfriend could act in such a vicious manner. I can only hope that he finds out and feels just an inkling of the damage he created.
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reply by the author on 30-Jan-2011
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Sasha, I'm so glad you are giving us a look inside the lives of a serial killer's family--it's heartbreaking to say the least. They have to live with such a awful stigma, and they did absolutely nothing wrong. I honestly don't know how Susan's boyfriend could act in such a vicious manner. I can only hope that he finds out and feels just an inkling of the damage he created.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2011
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I haven't gone into it yet, but he just did it for the money. Tabloids pay big money for stories, true or not.
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This is not a stand alone story. In the fist 11 chapters I explain that this particular family has been controlled by their father all their life and have little skill in expressing themselves other than tears or anger. At this point, it is their actions that tell the reader who they are and how they feel.
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Sorry!
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What did I say that made you say you are sorry????? Hope I didn't upset you.
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Not at all. I thought I had upset you. I do that you know.
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Take my word for it, when I am upset the entire world know it....lol