The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "The Mathews Family"A family learns their father is a serial killer
35 total reviews
Comment from Realist101
HI Sasha! I do see lots of I's...? One thing you can do is start a sentence like this...Instead of "I stayed up the entire night,", say, "Staying up the entire night cramming my head with information on serial killers, made it more and more apparent that it was a subjet few people really knew much about." ? Just a suggestion, but all your I's can be sort of replaced like this? Let me know what you think! GREAT STORY tho, and you don't have to replace ALL of them...Luv, Susan
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
  |
HI Sasha! I do see lots of I's...? One thing you can do is start a sentence like this...Instead of "I stayed up the entire night,", say, "Staying up the entire night cramming my head with information on serial killers, made it more and more apparent that it was a subjet few people really knew much about." ? Just a suggestion, but all your I's can be sort of replaced like this? Let me know what you think! GREAT STORY tho, and you don't have to replace ALL of them...Luv, Susan
Comment Written 06-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
-
Great Idea. I am going to take all the suggestions and go over the entire chapter tomorrow and try to eliminate some of the I's.
-
Hi there! Yes, it will be perfect with just a few less "I's"...you are a wonderful writer and we all do these things! I have trouble with the word "had" too. ") Is is nice and warm at your house? We are in for more snow...and the silly weather channel said in October that this would be a MILD winter! HA! Bah HUMbug! ") Susan
Comment from words
I am so pleased to be able to read this from the very beginning. Last time, I came in when Jame's father was already in jail.
Because this is first person, the "I's" are somewhat unavoidable, but you could varying the sentence construction ... for example instead of:I opened the top desk drawer and grabbed one of several unopened packages of over the counter antacids.
You could say, " Opening the top desk drawer, I grabbed .....
I would reread and make sure that you don't start the majority of your paragraphs with "I". Structure variety, will also give the writing a smoother flow.
Hugs, d
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
|
I am so pleased to be able to read this from the very beginning. Last time, I came in when Jame's father was already in jail.
Because this is first person, the "I's" are somewhat unavoidable, but you could varying the sentence construction ... for example instead of:I opened the top desk drawer and grabbed one of several unopened packages of over the counter antacids.
You could say, " Opening the top desk drawer, I grabbed .....
I would reread and make sure that you don't start the majority of your paragraphs with "I". Structure variety, will also give the writing a smoother flow.
Hugs, d
Comment Written 06-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
-
Good idea. I do have a tendency to start the sentence with 'I'. It definitely needs structure variety.
Comment from whitteron
drive away somwhere far away ( I would remove one of the away's)strangers walking their dogs
presented with gentle kindness
took her shopping, telling momthe more I read, the more
I am glued to this...you are an excellent writer and move this along at the perfect pace, without being overly dramatic. It's perfect.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
|
drive away somwhere far away ( I would remove one of the away's)strangers walking their dogs
presented with gentle kindness
took her shopping, telling momthe more I read, the more
I am glued to this...you are an excellent writer and move this along at the perfect pace, without being overly dramatic. It's perfect.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
-
Thanks for catching the spags. I am pleased you are enjoying this.
Comment from RebelRose
neeling in the garden ...kneeling
as much information [as] I could find
As for the use of the Is. you are speaking as a person telling a story and I feel that is how he would tell it. There may be a ay to change it, but I'm afraid I don't know how since it is first person.
Great chapter. You definitely have my full attention and am looking forward to the next.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
|
neeling in the garden ...kneeling
as much information [as] I could find
As for the use of the Is. you are speaking as a person telling a story and I feel that is how he would tell it. There may be a ay to change it, but I'm afraid I don't know how since it is first person.
Great chapter. You definitely have my full attention and am looking forward to the next.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
-
caught the kneeling but missed the as....thanks for pointing them out. I think you are right, when it is first person it is pretty hard to avoid 'I'. Glad you liked this so far.
Comment from Southern Writer
thank you, another chapter to read.
I like all details you are giving about the dad and the whole family. This has added a lot to the story. I am not going back and rereading the old one. I hope to just start over with this new one.
And I'm going to try really hard to do a real review, instead of just saying I like something.
OK, the paragraph that starts, "Despite bragging to his co-workers...Dad reminded him daily he would never be as smart as I.....should it be 'me'?
The unusual attention to Susan was a red flag, wasn't it? Before, this dad was such an unknown factor. Now, we can see things that on their own wouldn't say "serial killer" but give hints.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
|
thank you, another chapter to read.
I like all details you are giving about the dad and the whole family. This has added a lot to the story. I am not going back and rereading the old one. I hope to just start over with this new one.
And I'm going to try really hard to do a real review, instead of just saying I like something.
OK, the paragraph that starts, "Despite bragging to his co-workers...Dad reminded him daily he would never be as smart as I.....should it be 'me'?
The unusual attention to Susan was a red flag, wasn't it? Before, this dad was such an unknown factor. Now, we can see things that on their own wouldn't say "serial killer" but give hints.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
-
Yes, me does sound better and would be used by most people (including me) but James is a genius and 'I' is actually grammatically the correct word..don't you just hate smart people. Yes, Dad's attention is a red flag but of what???? I intentionally leave the reader wondering about this. Hope it worked. Glad you like this so far.
-
Darn, I thought I had found something for you to correct. LOL
I like the red flags, and don't want them all explained too soon. This is what keeps the reader coming back for more.
You always hear about the serial killer or the man who shots up the post office, being just the guy next door. Noone can believe he was nutty.
Comment from RKagan
Is the father sexually abusive to Susan? I feel almost as if that might be revealed at some point. I would like to see more of the mother's personality to see why she accepts this abuse from her husband. So far this is coming along really well. It makes me want to google sociopaths and find out exactly what makes them tick. great chapter.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
|
Is the father sexually abusive to Susan? I feel almost as if that might be revealed at some point. I would like to see more of the mother's personality to see why she accepts this abuse from her husband. So far this is coming along really well. It makes me want to google sociopaths and find out exactly what makes them tick. great chapter.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
-
I slowly present each family member as the story progresses. Right now I am focusing on the immediate issue of learning the father is a serial killer, then I will provide more information on the characters as I let the reader know how each one deals with this knowledge. I have let the reader know of the father's verbal abuse but you will have to wait to learn if Susan has been sexually abused...this s only chapter 2, lots more to come. I will definitely show more of the mother's personality and why she accepts the verbal abuse, but again, that will come later.
-
Sasha, this is so good. I can't wait.
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Sasha, this is a very solid foundation for the story to come. Your characterization, especially of James, is superb. I can't help feeling pity for Mom, who should have lived in luxury and comfort considering her legacy.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
 |
Hi, Sasha, this is a very solid foundation for the story to come. Your characterization, especially of James, is superb. I can't help feeling pity for Mom, who should have lived in luxury and comfort considering her legacy.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
-
Thank you so very much for your awesome 6 stars. I sincerely appreciate them.
Comment from LadyNyx
Hey, another great chapter. I'm giving it a five despite some minor tweaks that I think you might want to look at. Most are mispelling or mistypes. See below:
Hum V should be Humvee
neeling should be kneeling
stop step should be top step
The last thing I saw is something that my own editor/friend mentioned to me several times in my own writing. Now I'm seeing it everywhere (mostly in my own) and I thought I'd make mention of it to you. The flow of words is just as important as the words themselves and you have one section that has that slight mistep to it: "made Dad more angry". While the sentence isn't bad, it could be better if you instead say: made Dad angrier. It makes it more concise and easier on the reader for the most part as well. Just a tip I picked up.
Other than that....when are you going to finish/post the next chapter????? I want more! :)
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
|
Hey, another great chapter. I'm giving it a five despite some minor tweaks that I think you might want to look at. Most are mispelling or mistypes. See below:
Hum V should be Humvee
neeling should be kneeling
stop step should be top step
The last thing I saw is something that my own editor/friend mentioned to me several times in my own writing. Now I'm seeing it everywhere (mostly in my own) and I thought I'd make mention of it to you. The flow of words is just as important as the words themselves and you have one section that has that slight mistep to it: "made Dad more angry". While the sentence isn't bad, it could be better if you instead say: made Dad angrier. It makes it more concise and easier on the reader for the most part as well. Just a tip I picked up.
Other than that....when are you going to finish/post the next chapter????? I want more! :)
Comment Written 06-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
-
I like made Dad angrier too. I had to laugh when you pointed out Humvee...it seems no matter how many times I type it my brain refuses to spell it correctly, even though I know it is not Hum V.
Comment from Showboat
Great chapter here, Sasha. I definitely see another book here, and look forward to see how you handle this one. Some suggestions below, your choice of course, and if you make the changes, let me know and I'll throw in another star.
Okay, here we go:
3rd par. I'd suggest 'kneeling' in the garden for 'a' rather than her precious child. We have three 'her' in the first sentence. You can beef that up a bit, make it even more poignant.
I hate'em, but I'd put a comma after...'this was a very real nightmare (,) far more...
..a run for the house and avoid speaking to her// Your call.
intricate part of my personality. Do you mean intrinsic?
I looked Mom directly in the eye(singular, for whatever reason)
Especially in dialogue, use contractions whenever possible, making it more realistic and readable.
I feigned a smile and walked through the garage and, as I opened the door to the kitchen, I glanced at the workbench, instantly noticing the empty space where the tackle box belonged...This sentence runs on a good bit. Maybe a period after garage and new sentence As I??
could hear/heard
I knelt down on the stop step of the stairs and stared down at him. Okay, you can only kneel 'down' so you don't need that, thus avoiding two 'down' in one sentence.
As always with first person, there's the overuse of I. We worked on that one before; remember the devices we used? This story would benefit from something like that.
So good to get on this one in the beginning. Please be sure to let me know about editing and all.
Hugs,
Gayle
Good deal, very much improved. Here's that hostage star! Love the story, Sasha, let's make it sing!!
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
|
Great chapter here, Sasha. I definitely see another book here, and look forward to see how you handle this one. Some suggestions below, your choice of course, and if you make the changes, let me know and I'll throw in another star.
Okay, here we go:
3rd par. I'd suggest 'kneeling' in the garden for 'a' rather than her precious child. We have three 'her' in the first sentence. You can beef that up a bit, make it even more poignant.
I hate'em, but I'd put a comma after...'this was a very real nightmare (,) far more...
..a run for the house and avoid speaking to her// Your call.
intricate part of my personality. Do you mean intrinsic?
I looked Mom directly in the eye(singular, for whatever reason)
Especially in dialogue, use contractions whenever possible, making it more realistic and readable.
I feigned a smile and walked through the garage and, as I opened the door to the kitchen, I glanced at the workbench, instantly noticing the empty space where the tackle box belonged...This sentence runs on a good bit. Maybe a period after garage and new sentence As I??
could hear/heard
I knelt down on the stop step of the stairs and stared down at him. Okay, you can only kneel 'down' so you don't need that, thus avoiding two 'down' in one sentence.
As always with first person, there's the overuse of I. We worked on that one before; remember the devices we used? This story would benefit from something like that.
So good to get on this one in the beginning. Please be sure to let me know about editing and all.
Hugs,
Gayle
Good deal, very much improved. Here's that hostage star! Love the story, Sasha, let's make it sing!!
Comment Written 06-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
-
I will definitely go back over this and make the changes. Thanks so much for catching all of them. I am the worst proofreader on this site. I have the changed done in a few minutes.
Comment from Spiritual Echo
My, my, my! A writer with many voices. Amazing really when you can change your tone and walk into character. There are brilliant writers on the site, but your sunmissions always have the element of surprise. If this was a blind entry, I wouldn't recognize your writing AND that's a compliment.
Freat characterization and enough tension to keep the string tight.
Small typo....SB kneeling, not neeling in the garden.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
|
My, my, my! A writer with many voices. Amazing really when you can change your tone and walk into character. There are brilliant writers on the site, but your sunmissions always have the element of surprise. If this was a blind entry, I wouldn't recognize your writing AND that's a compliment.
Freat characterization and enough tension to keep the string tight.
Small typo....SB kneeling, not neeling in the garden.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
-
Thanks so very much for the compliment. I try to become the character which, hopefully, is why you don't recognize me.