Stillborn
In The Father's office32 total reviews
Comment from Tillom Gliss
A well-written, smooth read with excellent dialogue and character buildup. Boyo's naivety acts as a nice foil against the old man's wise character (spirit).
This touching tale was a joy to read. I do love that you ended on a HEA note! If only implied.
STILLBORN loosely reflects my own beliefs on life before and after death. Would love to read about his future reincarnations and interactions with the wise spirit that was "many years older than he appeared to be from a distance. Just how old, O'Day lacked the experience to even venture a guess. "
I had not heard of the term boyo before. I had already penned to write as a typo but quickly realized you wouldn't have made the same typo over and over and over.
My favorite lines are:The old man smiled and O'Day imagined that that must be what the dawn looked like. "Aye, and very well put, son. But you see, I tossed a bonny ball into the eternal ether and the color...oh, lad, you should have seen it...the color was just exactly the bloom of all things possible."
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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A well-written, smooth read with excellent dialogue and character buildup. Boyo's naivety acts as a nice foil against the old man's wise character (spirit).
This touching tale was a joy to read. I do love that you ended on a HEA note! If only implied.
STILLBORN loosely reflects my own beliefs on life before and after death. Would love to read about his future reincarnations and interactions with the wise spirit that was "many years older than he appeared to be from a distance. Just how old, O'Day lacked the experience to even venture a guess. "
I had not heard of the term boyo before. I had already penned to write as a typo but quickly realized you wouldn't have made the same typo over and over and over.
My favorite lines are:The old man smiled and O'Day imagined that that must be what the dawn looked like. "Aye, and very well put, son. But you see, I tossed a bonny ball into the eternal ether and the color...oh, lad, you should have seen it...the color was just exactly the bloom of all things possible."
Comment Written 10-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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Tillom, thank you so much for the galaxy of stars, and just as much for your thoughtful and encouraging review. Boyo is a common term of endearment among the Irish (I wrote both charaters speaking with Irish brogues). I too like the lines you deftly pointed out, but my favorite is: "All the experience in the world and I still can't keep the lint out of the belly-button..." Thank you again for your insight and generousity.
Peace, Lee
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written with good form and good flow, a great job talking about the stillborn child. great point of view from the lost child's perspective. sweetly done
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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this is very well written with good form and good flow, a great job talking about the stillborn child. great point of view from the lost child's perspective. sweetly done
Comment Written 10-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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Thank you so much for your insightful review.
Peace, Lee
Comment from bowls
What a lovely little story! It's heartwarming and charming. O'Day seems like such a sweet character, you want him to have every chance possible. This is quite a unique story line, and well written.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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What a lovely little story! It's heartwarming and charming. O'Day seems like such a sweet character, you want him to have every chance possible. This is quite a unique story line, and well written.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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Thank you, bowls. You know how some stories write themselves? I'm not sure who actually wrote this, but I'm glad it came through my fingers. Thanks again, Lee
Comment from IndianaIrish
I just hate that I can't give you a sixer for this, Lee. So what if I've already given you two? You sooooo deserve the highest rating for this story. Your incredible story reaches into my heart for many reasons...the dialogue (especially the brogue lol), your making da Man Irish is way cool, babies are my life ya know so I love the hope you give this stillborn another chance at life,I loved the interaction between them, your storytelling makes me wish I had written this, and the word "boyo" is a term of endearment that I have for someone special, and I loved your empathy, humor, and how you grabbed me from the start--there's no way I could stop reading. (I'd love to read more to see what happens to O'Day cuz I liked him so much!) I love reading your stories, Lee. Can I give you a virtual six?? ******
Karyn :>)
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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I just hate that I can't give you a sixer for this, Lee. So what if I've already given you two? You sooooo deserve the highest rating for this story. Your incredible story reaches into my heart for many reasons...the dialogue (especially the brogue lol), your making da Man Irish is way cool, babies are my life ya know so I love the hope you give this stillborn another chance at life,I loved the interaction between them, your storytelling makes me wish I had written this, and the word "boyo" is a term of endearment that I have for someone special, and I loved your empathy, humor, and how you grabbed me from the start--there's no way I could stop reading. (I'd love to read more to see what happens to O'Day cuz I liked him so much!) I love reading your stories, Lee. Can I give you a virtual six?? ******
Karyn :>)
Comment Written 10-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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Your review far outshines any galaxy FS can offer. I happen to love this story, and to have it so well received by the people I most repect on this site brings tears to my eyes. You know, I never thought of an O'Day sequel, but maybe. As for the brogue, that wasn't me, that was a wonderful voice in my head. I did not know of your affinity for the wee ones. Tis an admirable calling, lass.
Peace, Lee
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I just wish I could give it a sixer so the story will get the rating it deserves and maybe get more people to read your work and get more fans and have more people see what a great writer we have here. Oh, and I like the voice in your head! I hope you do write a sequel...that would be great...but that's just me being greedy wanting to read more of your writings. Yeah, been a baby nurse forever and sometimes I prepare angels for heaven. Thanks for your wonderful reply, Lee.
Comment from writer c
Lee, another great story. The dialogue and descriptions are terrific, and the conversation between these two is true to the characters of both. In a very effective, unsentimental way, great truths are plopped out there. A real wise man wrote this piece.
Carol
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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Lee, another great story. The dialogue and descriptions are terrific, and the conversation between these two is true to the characters of both. In a very effective, unsentimental way, great truths are plopped out there. A real wise man wrote this piece.
Carol
Comment Written 10-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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Carol, thank you for such a wonderful review. Thanks for getting it. Peace, Lee
Comment from LumchuckHickle
I'll be honest. I generally sour at this particular story line. It has been done so many times, and most often...almost always...it is wry as flint and sweet as rapture. So, I start with a pole up my arse when reading a story like this.
The trouble is that you won me over. The story is well told and quite well imaged, but not so spectacularly well as to pull that pole out from my nether parts. It's the dialogue that does it. The dialogue here is as good as it gets. People don't write better chatter lines than these. That pole is now being propelled out of sight (images can get ugly if you continue to extend them, can't they?). This is an accomplished piece. Well done.
I have no sixes to give apparently, so five will have to do, but I would have given a six if I could have.
Just a copyediting note: There may be paragraph spacing oversights @ "Mistakes are made" and @ "So frankly, you're preaching to the choir" and @ "The old man bowed his head" and @ "O'Day put his hands in his back pockets" and @ "O'Day shook out his cap"
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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I'll be honest. I generally sour at this particular story line. It has been done so many times, and most often...almost always...it is wry as flint and sweet as rapture. So, I start with a pole up my arse when reading a story like this.
The trouble is that you won me over. The story is well told and quite well imaged, but not so spectacularly well as to pull that pole out from my nether parts. It's the dialogue that does it. The dialogue here is as good as it gets. People don't write better chatter lines than these. That pole is now being propelled out of sight (images can get ugly if you continue to extend them, can't they?). This is an accomplished piece. Well done.
I have no sixes to give apparently, so five will have to do, but I would have given a six if I could have.
Just a copyediting note: There may be paragraph spacing oversights @ "Mistakes are made" and @ "So frankly, you're preaching to the choir" and @ "The old man bowed his head" and @ "O'Day put his hands in his back pockets" and @ "O'Day shook out his cap"
Comment Written 10-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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Lum, I knew I was taking a risk with this, but I just liked it too much to let it sit. Thanks for overcoming your aversions. I will check out the paragraph spacings---thanks for pointing them out. Peace, Lee
Comment from anabelle
Very beautiful post, and you are definitely a storyteller. Intriguing story that leaves the reader with a sense of satisfaction. We've learned some things and been reminded of others.
This is my favourite sentence: Living is one dram experience for every four pints of waiting. Very wise. :-0
Kind regards, anabelle
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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Very beautiful post, and you are definitely a storyteller. Intriguing story that leaves the reader with a sense of satisfaction. We've learned some things and been reminded of others.
This is my favourite sentence: Living is one dram experience for every four pints of waiting. Very wise. :-0
Kind regards, anabelle
Comment Written 10-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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anabelle, thanks for your lovely review. And thanks for taking the time to give it some thought. Peace, Lee
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You're welcome, Lee.
Comment from annettebda
Well I think you just about covered it all in this wonderfully told story. The choice of circumstances has to be unique.I have never heard the like. The characters wondefully drawn with nary a trace of pathos,I so enjoyed the ancient and gentle wisdom of the old man. I am curious to know why you chose the boy to be Irish...anyway the whole thing is in my 'umble opinion a masterpiece. Thank you, my morning has taken on a rosy hue.
Annette
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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Well I think you just about covered it all in this wonderfully told story. The choice of circumstances has to be unique.I have never heard the like. The characters wondefully drawn with nary a trace of pathos,I so enjoyed the ancient and gentle wisdom of the old man. I am curious to know why you chose the boy to be Irish...anyway the whole thing is in my 'umble opinion a masterpiece. Thank you, my morning has taken on a rosy hue.
Annette
Comment Written 10-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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Annette, you are so sweet and so generous. I am deeply grateful.
It was actually the old man who just started speaking to me in a brogue. Sometimes I tell a story, sometimes the story tells me.
Thank you again. I have a soft spot for this story myself. I hope all is well on the equator.
Peace, Lee
Comment from Rama Rao
An excellent piece of writing with wonderful dialogues.
"Why, the best there is, boyo. The very best there is." I think this is the best dialogue. Yes, everyone including the still born should have the best chance.
An intriguing but fascinating story.
U r a professional and natural writer.
Bravo!
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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An excellent piece of writing with wonderful dialogues.
"Why, the best there is, boyo. The very best there is." I think this is the best dialogue. Yes, everyone including the still born should have the best chance.
An intriguing but fascinating story.
U r a professional and natural writer.
Bravo!
Comment Written 10-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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Thank you. It is special to be encouraged by one with your talent. Peace, Lee
Comment from c_lucas
Even undergoing be born stillborn is a life experience. This is very well written with a smooth flow for words, making for an easy read. Good job.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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Even undergoing be born stillborn is a life experience. This is very well written with a smooth flow for words, making for an easy read. Good job.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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Thank you Charlie. I appreciate you taking the time. Peace, Lee
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You're welcome, Lee. Charlie
