Redemption
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Arriving Home"One Man's Return From Hell
28 total reviews
Comment from c_lucas
Just like a Southern boy to hold a grudge and become Judge and executioner. You had me back home, Bill, but there wasn't any mention of ice tea and mint juleps. Very good writing.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
  |
Just like a Southern boy to hold a grudge and become Judge and executioner. You had me back home, Bill, but there wasn't any mention of ice tea and mint juleps. Very good writing.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
-
Well, last chapter, I hope that you noticed that the district attorney's name was Charles Lucas - an old time, law and order type of guy. Thanks for reading Charlie. I appreciate your support.
-
You're welcome, Bill. With my past, I would be comfortable sitting at the other table. (LOL) Charlie
Comment from InHisownwrite
I love it again, all the way through......
Love all the background information which tells a little bit more about Dax...... It makes you wonder if possibly someone might also be targeting him..... The farmhouse, and property also very visual.....And again, it ends with a twist.....(I can certainly afford a hotel)...
Love it! Bryan
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
|
I love it again, all the way through......
Love all the background information which tells a little bit more about Dax...... It makes you wonder if possibly someone might also be targeting him..... The farmhouse, and property also very visual.....And again, it ends with a twist.....(I can certainly afford a hotel)...
Love it! Bryan
Comment Written 20-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
-
Thanks for reading Bryan - I really appreciate it and your continued support. Regards, Bill
Comment from Michael Ray King
This has the potential to be a good story, but the dialogue and narrative often pull the reader out of the story. Lael is a young woman yet she talks in the same venacular as Dax, "10,000 foot level discussion", "maybe those goons", "They weren't there for a social call."
The narrative like, "No one said anything for what seemed like minutes, but was more likely just a few seconds." is the writer speaking directly to the reader instead of the story 'showing' us this awkward gap. Whenever these types of things happen in the narrative, the story becomes less believable. Another example, "Beth interrupted that tiny bit of nostalgia" has the writer stepping in to tell us something rather than showing it to us. "that tiny bit of nostalgia" is the writer speaking directly to the reader instead of unfolding the story to the reader.
The plot line holds interest. Dax is an interesting character. Give Lael her own voice and give Beth a more distinct voice of her own in dialogue and the two of them should strengthen into stronger characters.
Good start!
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
 |
This has the potential to be a good story, but the dialogue and narrative often pull the reader out of the story. Lael is a young woman yet she talks in the same venacular as Dax, "10,000 foot level discussion", "maybe those goons", "They weren't there for a social call."
The narrative like, "No one said anything for what seemed like minutes, but was more likely just a few seconds." is the writer speaking directly to the reader instead of the story 'showing' us this awkward gap. Whenever these types of things happen in the narrative, the story becomes less believable. Another example, "Beth interrupted that tiny bit of nostalgia" has the writer stepping in to tell us something rather than showing it to us. "that tiny bit of nostalgia" is the writer speaking directly to the reader instead of unfolding the story to the reader.
The plot line holds interest. Dax is an interesting character. Give Lael her own voice and give Beth a more distinct voice of her own in dialogue and the two of them should strengthen into stronger characters.
Good start!
Comment Written 20-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
-
Thanks for reading.
Comment from Scornwell
I thought this was fairly well written. The characters came across well and the dialog sounded realistic and seemed consistent with the characters.
He didn't back and he just held Beth
He didn't back away, he just held Beth
Beth (Lael?) is all I have left. She is all I have left. - did you mean to repeat this?
leaving the three in the drive way (driveway)
Dax, thought that the interior fit perfectly with the ...
Dax thought the interior fit perfectly with the ...
I should be o.k. for a bit
I should be okay for a bit - I noticed okay as o.k. twice
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
|
I thought this was fairly well written. The characters came across well and the dialog sounded realistic and seemed consistent with the characters.
He didn't back and he just held Beth
He didn't back away, he just held Beth
Beth (Lael?) is all I have left. She is all I have left. - did you mean to repeat this?
leaving the three in the drive way (driveway)
Dax, thought that the interior fit perfectly with the ...
Dax thought the interior fit perfectly with the ...
I should be o.k. for a bit
I should be okay for a bit - I noticed okay as o.k. twice
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
-
I did mean to repeat the she is all I have left.
o.k. is totally acceptable in the U.S. - perhaps you are from one of those proper English places.
Couldn't tell if you were suggesting to put a comma after Dax, thought... I originally had, so hard to tell. It is not needed.
I'll definitely circle back around for the other nits. Thanks for reading and for the suggestions.
Comment from lola29
Bill, I love the way you build your characters--very down to earth. I like Dax, but ouch! I think he could really do some damage after reading about what he did the that guy's femur. This was an excellent chapter, and I can't to read more about this hunky man. Of course, I like Lael and Beth, too.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
 |
Bill, I love the way you build your characters--very down to earth. I like Dax, but ouch! I think he could really do some damage after reading about what he did the that guy's femur. This was an excellent chapter, and I can't to read more about this hunky man. Of course, I like Lael and Beth, too.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
-
Just like you Lola - give me the hunky man! Thank you for reading and for your support. I've outlined the next few chapters, so just have to earn a few bucks, write and post. Warm regards, Bill
Comment from missy98writer
Bill,
chapter six of your book 'Redemption' is very written and an enjoyable read. Your story paints a vivid picture in the readers head. Natural dialogue, excellent narrative, great characterization and very descriptive writing. You managed to established a setting, conflict, and a resolution in this chapter. Your first paragraph sets up with 'the tension in the car as Stanley drove through the open gate of the Jackson place.' I loved the description of the sunset Dax appreciated. Brooke is right in her review about the last part of the chapter where Dax relates how he dealt with his family's killers is intense, raw and extremely descriptive. I could almost taste the homemade vegetable soup and cornbread Dax smelled that awaited him in the kitchen. He vividly described what he did to the creep who bragged about what he did to Dax's daughter. Good for Dax killing the *astard! Chapter six is excellent in more ways one such as emotionally written and the descriptive detail of the house with wrap around porch. I could imagine a porch swing on the wrap round porch. I look forward to reading another chapter. Have a great day. . .Melissa.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
|
Bill,
chapter six of your book 'Redemption' is very written and an enjoyable read. Your story paints a vivid picture in the readers head. Natural dialogue, excellent narrative, great characterization and very descriptive writing. You managed to established a setting, conflict, and a resolution in this chapter. Your first paragraph sets up with 'the tension in the car as Stanley drove through the open gate of the Jackson place.' I loved the description of the sunset Dax appreciated. Brooke is right in her review about the last part of the chapter where Dax relates how he dealt with his family's killers is intense, raw and extremely descriptive. I could almost taste the homemade vegetable soup and cornbread Dax smelled that awaited him in the kitchen. He vividly described what he did to the creep who bragged about what he did to Dax's daughter. Good for Dax killing the *astard! Chapter six is excellent in more ways one such as emotionally written and the descriptive detail of the house with wrap around porch. I could imagine a porch swing on the wrap round porch. I look forward to reading another chapter. Have a great day. . .Melissa.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
-
Thanks Melissa - your review will help me have a great day! Regards, Bill
Comment from adewpearl
Folk's, I've have to get back to the station -
Folks, I have to
You're a good man, Stanley Tate - add comma for direct address
Dax, thought that the interior fit - drop the comma
That last section where Dax relates how he dealt with his family's killers is raw and intense and vividly descriptive.
I also like the softer sides of this chapter, where you create such a warm mood by describing the house with the wraparound porch and the homemade meal. Excellent character development and dialogue throughout. Brooke
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
|
Folk's, I've have to get back to the station -
Folks, I have to
You're a good man, Stanley Tate - add comma for direct address
Dax, thought that the interior fit - drop the comma
That last section where Dax relates how he dealt with his family's killers is raw and intense and vividly descriptive.
I also like the softer sides of this chapter, where you create such a warm mood by describing the house with the wraparound porch and the homemade meal. Excellent character development and dialogue throughout. Brooke
Comment Written 20-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
-
Thank you very much for reading and your always helpful feedback. Warm regards, Bill
Comment from essence56
I found this to be very good reading and enjoyable to the point I am waiting to read more. Character and event descriptions written in place well. The flow was even. I can relate to Lael. Good
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
|
I found this to be very good reading and enjoyable to the point I am waiting to read more. Character and event descriptions written in place well. The flow was even. I can relate to Lael. Good
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
-
Thank you very much for reading. I hope you have checked out earlier chapters. For sure, chapters 1 and 2 can bring you up to speed quickly. Regards, Bill