The Ice Princess
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Setting the Rules"Love, Hate, Conflicts and Fear
35 total reviews
Comment from nor84
Old memories rushed to taunt her, leaving her flushed and speechless, hardly one of her normal characteristics>>>I'd cut 'hardly one of her normal characteristics' because the sentence is stronger if it ends after 'speechless'
The water cooler gossip hounds often referred to her as the "Ice Princess", not >>>if you're writing in the USA, the comma would go inside the quotes, right against 'princess,' but if not, ignore me.
hotshot is one word
You, though, according to my colleagues, have perfected the art of chopping men off at their knees." >>>I suggest rephrasing to lose some of those commas>>>could say 'my colleagues tell me...' or just 'you seem to have...'or 'one the other hand, you seem to have...' Trying to get rid of the parenthetical 'according to my colleagues, which makes too many commas.
The musky scent of his cologne drifted under her nose; agonizing her with his sheer male virility. >>>use comma, not semicolon.
A lazy smile touched his lips before he spoke(.) That seems more like an action statement than a speech tag, so I suggest a period rather than a comma.
full-time job
Good job with the dialogue!
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reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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Old memories rushed to taunt her, leaving her flushed and speechless, hardly one of her normal characteristics>>>I'd cut 'hardly one of her normal characteristics' because the sentence is stronger if it ends after 'speechless'
The water cooler gossip hounds often referred to her as the "Ice Princess", not >>>if you're writing in the USA, the comma would go inside the quotes, right against 'princess,' but if not, ignore me.
hotshot is one word
You, though, according to my colleagues, have perfected the art of chopping men off at their knees." >>>I suggest rephrasing to lose some of those commas>>>could say 'my colleagues tell me...' or just 'you seem to have...'or 'one the other hand, you seem to have...' Trying to get rid of the parenthetical 'according to my colleagues, which makes too many commas.
The musky scent of his cologne drifted under her nose; agonizing her with his sheer male virility. >>>use comma, not semicolon.
A lazy smile touched his lips before he spoke(.) That seems more like an action statement than a speech tag, so I suggest a period rather than a comma.
full-time job
Good job with the dialogue!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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Nor
I have made the necessary corrections and certainly appreciate the time you have taken to scope out my mistakes. Thanks again, Carol
Comment from Sarabran
Another great and intriguing chapter. This novel will be a winner. I am already drawn into your story. You have a great talent for doing that to your readers. We want more !! Sara :)
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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Another great and intriguing chapter. This novel will be a winner. I am already drawn into your story. You have a great talent for doing that to your readers. We want more !! Sara :)
Comment Written 08-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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Sara
I certainly hope so...maybe with friends like you in my cheering section, who knows...what will be will be so they say... Chapter 3 is posted...That one is bit HOT!
CAROL
Comment from Belinda
You do portray Reilly as the "ice Princess" who has control over her emotions, though deep down inside... who knows? But Max seems to know a little about what lurks inside Reilly. Good read, Carol.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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You do portray Reilly as the "ice Princess" who has control over her emotions, though deep down inside... who knows? But Max seems to know a little about what lurks inside Reilly. Good read, Carol.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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Belinda
I think these two truly understand the other even when they don't want to. Thanks for the review. Carol
Comment from melyuki
Well hi there Carol. This story is getting better by the day. YOU have got me sucked in, and I sat here reading, with a smile on my dial and a chuckle in between. The wit, the humour, the sarcasm, all build on the events of the moment. It is appealing to my sensitivity, my womanly intuition. And Max, well, you know how to find a real " spunk " to match his charming personality. I'll dance with him any day. Each character is coming alive to the reader, by your clever use of words. All in all, this story is rolling on so well. It's easy to read, easy to comprehend, and yet filled with underlying adventure. Write on my friend. great start to a never ending novel. have a great day, and give Max my number ( ha ha ha ).... smiles from Mel
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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Well hi there Carol. This story is getting better by the day. YOU have got me sucked in, and I sat here reading, with a smile on my dial and a chuckle in between. The wit, the humour, the sarcasm, all build on the events of the moment. It is appealing to my sensitivity, my womanly intuition. And Max, well, you know how to find a real " spunk " to match his charming personality. I'll dance with him any day. Each character is coming alive to the reader, by your clever use of words. All in all, this story is rolling on so well. It's easy to read, easy to comprehend, and yet filled with underlying adventure. Write on my friend. great start to a never ending novel. have a great day, and give Max my number ( ha ha ha ).... smiles from Mel
Comment Written 08-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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Mel
Good morning to you...I am starting to remember the time change now...Did you get your coffee before you started reading or did ole Max charge you enough that you didn't need it? If you thought this was good, I can't wait till you read Chapter 3.
Thanks so much my friend. Smiles to you, Carol
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Very funny indeed. I actually only drink decaf at home, so it must have been good ol Max ( or young spunk max ). Can't wait till chapter 3. sounds inviting. you must have a great imagination to write as you do Carol. I have never tried a novel , and not sure I could. I was never a reader in my journey through life, and even now, if I choose to read, it is generally non fiction. I often wonder if my abilities would have been greatly improved if I had read books in my past. Most likely, it would have expanded my writing vocabulary. Alas, we are who we are, and I'm glad to be me. Hope this novel picks you up in your journey. So far so good. Think positive and positive outcomes will come..... hugs from Mel
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Mel
Chapter 3 is posted and I can't wait for you to read it. I am getting tired but if you are going to read it tonight, I must wait for your response. Smiles, Carol
Max is really going to get you with this one, I think!
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Ready to read, as soon as it pops up on my screen. Its only 2.24pm here , so I'm on the ball for hours and hours .. Yucky day outside, cold windy and sprinkling. So I had to venture back inside and found myself glued to this screen yet again. I am having so much fun here. .looking forward to another adventure the "spunk ". Mel xx
Comment from fictionwriter
Good chapter. Excellent dialouge, I loved the word play between the two. I did see one pov problem.
stopping to take close inventory of her well-endowed chest. (She can't know if he's taking inventory as she can't read his mind, you can say that he paused and seemed to be, but not that he was.)
Great job.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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Good chapter. Excellent dialouge, I loved the word play between the two. I did see one pov problem.
stopping to take close inventory of her well-endowed chest. (She can't know if he's taking inventory as she can't read his mind, you can say that he paused and seemed to be, but not that he was.)
Great job.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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fictionwriter
POV is my downfall for sure. I try and try and as you see I fail. Thanks...I shall fix it asap. Carol
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how about lingering over her well-endowed chest?
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I think that would probably work. Joy
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Thanks!!
Comment from --Turtle.
I liked this version best so far.
: ) You write quick, pick up the pieces and arrange them nice.
I send you lots of encouragement, cause this is cool to read...
And then I nit pick at this line, the only one I figured to challenge as not fitting.
"Whatever you say, Princess." Her words challenged him and his ego made him accept.
How did Reilly know her words challenged him and his ego made him accept? Not even sure what that means... I'm thinking this is the indicator that she challenged him and he decided to start chasing,
We can stay guessing as readers too, it won't hurt us to not know his thoughts here, if you want to put a chapter in his pov, where it goes to the point where he decided to chase, but you can indicate interest with facial motions too.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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I liked this version best so far.
: ) You write quick, pick up the pieces and arrange them nice.
I send you lots of encouragement, cause this is cool to read...
And then I nit pick at this line, the only one I figured to challenge as not fitting.
"Whatever you say, Princess." Her words challenged him and his ego made him accept.
How did Reilly know her words challenged him and his ego made him accept? Not even sure what that means... I'm thinking this is the indicator that she challenged him and he decided to start chasing,
We can stay guessing as readers too, it won't hurt us to not know his thoughts here, if you want to put a chapter in his pov, where it goes to the point where he decided to chase, but you can indicate interest with facial motions too.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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turtlestage
You are right and I removed the whole line. It actually didn't add much of anything and I need to conserve words anyhow. Thanks for the help... I've posted the next chapter (the passion) hope it goes over well. Carol
Comment from Suzie B
YES!!! That my girl...the format is very reader friendly...the fireworks and hormones are on fire in this one Carol...
This is exactly what i feel is necessary for the requirements of the contest, and you have handled it beautifully. Well done indeed .
look forward to reading more...and I love the danger ridden dialogue.
Hugs
Suzie
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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YES!!! That my girl...the format is very reader friendly...the fireworks and hormones are on fire in this one Carol...
This is exactly what i feel is necessary for the requirements of the contest, and you have handled it beautifully. Well done indeed .
look forward to reading more...and I love the danger ridden dialogue.
Hugs
Suzie
Comment Written 08-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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Suzie
I still am not sure..I am about to post the third chapter..This is a flash back and should tell me if I can write a romance novel or not. Wish me luck! Smiles, Carol
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I always wish you luck honey, but don't ever doubt for one instant that you have what it takes to write anything....and then some.
Hugs
Suzie
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The next chapter I just posted should tell me how much luck I am going to need...Enjoy your sleep and I shall talk to you tomorrow. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Sasha
Excellent. I'm going to have to find a better word if I am to continue reviewing this. It seems I have run out of original ways to say how much I am enjoying this. Definitely well written. I loved the sarcastic yet controlled tone of the dialogue and thoroughly enjoyed the game of words played by each character. Very well done. As always, I anxiously look forward to the next chapter. I can tell this is going to be a lot of fun.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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Excellent. I'm going to have to find a better word if I am to continue reviewing this. It seems I have run out of original ways to say how much I am enjoying this. Definitely well written. I loved the sarcastic yet controlled tone of the dialogue and thoroughly enjoyed the game of words played by each character. Very well done. As always, I anxiously look forward to the next chapter. I can tell this is going to be a lot of fun.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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Sash
I am about to post Chapter three..it's a flashback to when they were young..I hope it comes across right. I guess this will tell me if I can write a romance novel or not. Wish me luck! Carol
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I have no doubt you will do just fine.
Comment from BethShelby
The interaction between these two characters is interesting. He seems to be a jerk but she is still nervous enough around him to show she still has feeling.
I am enjoying the way this is developing.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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The interaction between these two characters is interesting. He seems to be a jerk but she is still nervous enough around him to show she still has feeling.
I am enjoying the way this is developing.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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Beth
Maybe just a touch..his macho self can't admit he lost her love and now she must save him or he will lose his life. thanks for the review. Carol
Comment from irishauthorme
You have so many people following this story, what can I say?
The writing is full and believable. The scene between Reilly and Max was good, with just the right amount of sarcasm from him and the self-control that she was able to maintain.
I felt like we were being led a little too much and would like to be able to interpret some of the emotionsmyself, but maybe that's just me?
Your story is progressing well and is a good read.
Irish
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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You have so many people following this story, what can I say?
The writing is full and believable. The scene between Reilly and Max was good, with just the right amount of sarcasm from him and the self-control that she was able to maintain.
I felt like we were being led a little too much and would like to be able to interpret some of the emotionsmyself, but maybe that's just me?
Your story is progressing well and is a good read.
Irish
Comment Written 08-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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Irish
It's suppose to be a romance novel according to the contest rules. I have never written one and expressing the "sappy" parts will be difficult for me...Been there in real time but not good at having every one join in..if you know what I mean. Thanks for the review and I hope you continue to follow along. Feel free to express your opinions. Carol