The Ice Princess
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "A Mother's Fear"Love, Hate, Conflicts and Fear
37 total reviews
Comment from eliz100
This chapter is well-written and a pleasant easy read with good flow. Just one point in the next to last sentence you wrote, As a teenager in college, they... The person doesn't match. Maybe as teenagers in college, they
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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This chapter is well-written and a pleasant easy read with good flow. Just one point in the next to last sentence you wrote, As a teenager in college, they... The person doesn't match. Maybe as teenagers in college, they
Comment Written 08-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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Eliz
Thanks for catching that. I have corrected it. I appreciate your review. Carol
Comment from adewpearl
You do a great job of introducing the main character and some of the supporting characters - giving her a back story, occupation, personality, relationships - and a most interesting serial murderer on the loose who will obviously become more important to her as chapters move on - I know I want to read more. Brooke
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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You do a great job of introducing the main character and some of the supporting characters - giving her a back story, occupation, personality, relationships - and a most interesting serial murderer on the loose who will obviously become more important to her as chapters move on - I know I want to read more. Brooke
Comment Written 08-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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Brooke
Thank you so much for the kind review. I found it very difficult to put a complete story with twists and surprises within 10,000 words. It sounded like so many to me until I started writing. I hope that it flows well and that all enjoy it. Thanks for reading and please do tell me if you think something sounds out of place. I respect your comments and greatly appreciate the help. By the way...what are we both doing up on this site so late at night? LOL I think we are hooked!!! Smiles, Carol
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Yeah, I really should be in bed!!! LOL I won't tell if you don's :-)
Comment from --Turtle.
The only thing left for this chapter that I can think to add suggestion for is the encounter between Macy and Hanna, is to secure that this exchange is something Reilly is watching. It could be.
I like the dialog, and using the newspaper intro into the story was cool.
Also like the intro into Reilly as a mom.
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2009
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The only thing left for this chapter that I can think to add suggestion for is the encounter between Macy and Hanna, is to secure that this exchange is something Reilly is watching. It could be.
I like the dialog, and using the newspaper intro into the story was cool.
Also like the intro into Reilly as a mom.
Comment Written 07-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2009
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This is where I am getting confused because in a story the one main person is not always part of the situation so how can I always have Reilly's POV...HELP! I am going crazy my friend. CArol
Yeah, I experienced this as I tried to write a story, and my pov hops were pointed out to me and I adopted the choice to try and stay in one pov per chapter. But there are lots of different avenues, as long as it's consistent, I don't think one way is the only way. I've read some pretty cool omnicent pov's and a few strict third party pov's where you didn't get to be in anyone's head, too.
I've been told that there are visual cues that are acceptable to allow the hops, too. I only get pov bajigaty when I can't tell what the rules being applied are.
In this case, if you want to stick with Rielly's pov for the whole chapter, then you might need to cut out things that she can't see or experience. Or you have to get creative and imply things.
**** here is what I would do, (but keep in mind I'm only me and am still trying to figure it all out myself)
Hanna leaned her portly body out of the driver-side window. "Good morning, little one. You finally decide to grace me with your smile. Your coach was about to leave, young lady." [Hanna's portly body jiggled with her laughter as she put the car in reverse.]
"Oh, Hanna, you wouldn't leave me(,)" (Macy said,) Looking more comical than indignant[,] (as) she made a face.
(Rielly smiled as she watched her beautiful, energetic young girl hop into Hanna's car as the older woman laughed and said,) "You're right. I could never leave you." [Macy was blossoming into a beautiful, energetic young girl and blessed with her mommy's genes, quick wit, intelligence and loving heart.]
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Oh, except I don't think I would lean Hanna's whole body out the window... maybe just her head. I caught that after I sent.
Comment from BlueInk
This looks like its going to be a good story. I just wanted to give you some information I found at the website of Breathless Press for their submission guidelines.
It's a long list, but regarding your first paragraph, what sticks out to me is that they don't accept pedophilia or sexual activities with or between minors. It looks like you'll be OK, since you didn't describe the acts, but I thought I'd share the info I found.
[the following is just a copy/paste from their site]
A big no to the following:
closed door sex, fan fiction, forced seduction, non-con, rape, incest, pedophilia, water play, brown play, knife play, or blood play, urethral sounding (i.e.- cock stuffing), sexual activities with or between minors, daddy/mommy fantasies, erotic asphyxiation, snuff, bestiality, felching, and necrophilia. (If you aren't sure-- please feel free to ask. We try to answer questions regarding our submission guidelines within 48 hours.
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2009
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This looks like its going to be a good story. I just wanted to give you some information I found at the website of Breathless Press for their submission guidelines.
It's a long list, but regarding your first paragraph, what sticks out to me is that they don't accept pedophilia or sexual activities with or between minors. It looks like you'll be OK, since you didn't describe the acts, but I thought I'd share the info I found.
[the following is just a copy/paste from their site]
A big no to the following:
closed door sex, fan fiction, forced seduction, non-con, rape, incest, pedophilia, water play, brown play, knife play, or blood play, urethral sounding (i.e.- cock stuffing), sexual activities with or between minors, daddy/mommy fantasies, erotic asphyxiation, snuff, bestiality, felching, and necrophilia. (If you aren't sure-- please feel free to ask. We try to answer questions regarding our submission guidelines within 48 hours.
Comment Written 07-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2009
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BlueInk
I made the college kids eighteen and nineteen so that shouldn't make this minors, right? I read the same information too. I do describe it in later chapters but I don't think they are considered minors. Thanks, Carol
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Oh, I was talking about the very beginning of chapter one
"Both victims were female, under the age of twelve"
But since the crime is off camera so to speak, you'll probably be OK.
Have you looked around their site? You can do submissions directly to them, and they accept different lengths if you've written longer stories.
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That is the only mention because it is needed for the future kidnapping to tie it together. I think as long as it's just a newspaper clipping I should be okay, but I do realize what you are saying now. thanks for the help. Carol
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Glad to hear it, good luck!
Comment from melyuki
Hi there Carol, just completed reading this interesting little story which kept me glued to the page and on the edge of my seat waiting for an unexpected surprise . I fear it's yet to come, so will be looking forward to the continuing saga. You ended on a great note. The story is well told and flows nicely. You have allowed the reader to develop clear images of the characters by good description and emotive character references. The use of the " in the moment " comments brings the story to life, adding to its appeal. It amazes me how diversified your work is. Is this what you woke up with this morning ? Well done and looking forward to more chapters of exciting writings. Have a fantastic day, hugs ,Mel
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2009
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Hi there Carol, just completed reading this interesting little story which kept me glued to the page and on the edge of my seat waiting for an unexpected surprise . I fear it's yet to come, so will be looking forward to the continuing saga. You ended on a great note. The story is well told and flows nicely. You have allowed the reader to develop clear images of the characters by good description and emotive character references. The use of the " in the moment " comments brings the story to life, adding to its appeal. It amazes me how diversified your work is. Is this what you woke up with this morning ? Well done and looking forward to more chapters of exciting writings. Have a fantastic day, hugs ,Mel
Comment Written 07-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2009
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Mel
A little sassy are we when we wake up in Australia. Did you get to read the Query letter first or just the first chapter.
The Query letter will give you a little bit more idea of what the story is about. I am so glad that you are going to follow this...Please let me know if you see anything that seems not quite right.. Take care!! Smiles to you, CArol
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Hi Carol, I did read the Query letter first. I wasn't sure where I was going with it at the time , so jumped through and read the chapter. Which was easy to get my stupid head around . I intend to go back to the Query letter and read it again so I can make a decent review. Give me a bit of time, and I will get back to you. Maybe I just need to have a nice hot drink and get my brain into action - absolutely nothing amiss with your letter, just my head.. .. ) Talk soon, hugs from Mel. x
Comment from fictionwriter
Okay, so now I get the query letter was an opening to the story, so forgive me. I love this, I can't wait to hear more. Wonderful writing.
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2009
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Okay, so now I get the query letter was an opening to the story, so forgive me. I love this, I can't wait to hear more. Wonderful writing.
Comment Written 07-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2009
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Fictionwriter
We were asked by Breathless Press to use the Prologue as a query letter to the agent. I am so glad that you like the story so far. Please feel free to give me constructive criticism because I really hope I can do well. Thanks so much for the review. Carol
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Carol, I'm lucky to catch this one early. This chapter promises lots of dramatic chapters to come. Your opening lines is a shock, but I like the way you describe the love between Reilly, Hanna, and Macy. Your ending paragraph makes me curious ...
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2009
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Hi, Carol, I'm lucky to catch this one early. This chapter promises lots of dramatic chapters to come. Your opening lines is a shock, but I like the way you describe the love between Reilly, Hanna, and Macy. Your ending paragraph makes me curious ...
Comment Written 07-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2009
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Belinda
I hope that I can live up to everyone's expectations. My only concern was the limitation on word count...It is very easy to use up those words..kind of makes the story get crammed together. Guess I'll just have wait and see how every one thinks. Thanks so much. Carol
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Carol. You definitely have a good story started here, although I'm not sure a newspaper headline is the best way to start. Your writing very good. I only have a couple of suggestions if you don't mind:
"a very disturbed person that is able to abduct and murder innocent children." (There is something wrong sounding about this sentence...obviously the killer is "disturbed" An understatement actually) How about "The killer is not selelctive and is capable of killing children."
also: Concerning the paragraph below...it comes on the reader like a ton of new stuff all at once information like this should be dealt with more in depth, so I would recommed you cut it in half and leave the rest for explanation in the next chapter.
"As the car pulled out of the driveway, Reilly swallowed the last bite of toast and emptied her coffee cup. She had an 8 o'clock appointment with Max Saladino, a SWAT team officer accused of shooting an unarmed man during an illegal drug sale."
All else looks good and keep up the good work....Bob
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2009
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Hi, Carol. You definitely have a good story started here, although I'm not sure a newspaper headline is the best way to start. Your writing very good. I only have a couple of suggestions if you don't mind:
"a very disturbed person that is able to abduct and murder innocent children." (There is something wrong sounding about this sentence...obviously the killer is "disturbed" An understatement actually) How about "The killer is not selelctive and is capable of killing children."
also: Concerning the paragraph below...it comes on the reader like a ton of new stuff all at once information like this should be dealt with more in depth, so I would recommed you cut it in half and leave the rest for explanation in the next chapter.
"As the car pulled out of the driveway, Reilly swallowed the last bite of toast and emptied her coffee cup. She had an 8 o'clock appointment with Max Saladino, a SWAT team officer accused of shooting an unarmed man during an illegal drug sale."
All else looks good and keep up the good work....Bob
Comment Written 07-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2009
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Bob
Actually I took that from a newspaper clip, but I shall take another look at rewording it. Thanks for the great suggestions and I hope that you will continue to read and tell me when you spot my errors. I truly appreciate it. Carol
Comment from Sasha
This is excellent writing. You captured my interest immediately and kept me glued to my chair until the very last word. The premise is superb and I already anticipate lots of tension, intrigue, and plenty of excitement. I anxiously look forward to the next chapter. You know me well enough to NOT expect any assistance with spags since I wouldn't know one if it jumped up, bit me, and introduced itself.
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2009
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This is excellent writing. You captured my interest immediately and kept me glued to my chair until the very last word. The premise is superb and I already anticipate lots of tension, intrigue, and plenty of excitement. I anxiously look forward to the next chapter. You know me well enough to NOT expect any assistance with spags since I wouldn't know one if it jumped up, bit me, and introduced itself.
Comment Written 07-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2009
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Sash
I am so glad that you enjoyed the story and that it really drew you in. Thanks for the kind comments. Please feel free to tell me if you see something that isn't quite right.
I appreciate your abilities for story telling. Smiles Carol
Comment from lola29
Carol, this chapter is excellent. I'm liking Reilly already. I have a feeling she's going to be one tough lady. Excellent writing skills, as always.
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2009
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Carol, this chapter is excellent. I'm liking Reilly already. I have a feeling she's going to be one tough lady. Excellent writing skills, as always.
Comment Written 07-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2009
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Lola
Hey...I want you to get down to the nitty gritty with me...So if you see anything, yell at me, okay? Thanks for reading and commenting. Smiles, Carol