Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Chapter 2 Part 1"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
44 total reviews
Comment from Kathryn Varuzza
Good chapter.
Good balance of dialog and description.
Good amount of action and suspense
Realistic and interesting.
I want to keep reading.
Great job.
Kathryn
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Good chapter.
Good balance of dialog and description.
Good amount of action and suspense
Realistic and interesting.
I want to keep reading.
Great job.
Kathryn
Comment Written 11-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from eliz100
Thank heaven! The baby is safe. Your chapter was well-written and enjoyable. I was engaged from beginning to end. I do not see any SPAG's.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Thank heaven! The baby is safe. Your chapter was well-written and enjoyable. I was engaged from beginning to end. I do not see any SPAG's.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I was wondering where you were. I missed you.
Comment from jadapenn
Action packed chapter. I didn't even spy a gremlin as i raced through. Now I guess we move onto Leya and Steven so Matt and Dani can do their own thing. New sensations, new emotions. Leya is already out of it over this green-eyed hunk.
Well done. luv jada
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Action packed chapter. I didn't even spy a gremlin as i raced through. Now I guess we move onto Leya and Steven so Matt and Dani can do their own thing. New sensations, new emotions. Leya is already out of it over this green-eyed hunk.
Well done. luv jada
Comment Written 11-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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So true and I've already had 2 reviewers wanting Steven's phone number.
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You can give it to them. I like those dark eyes, or sexy blue eyes. j
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I'm positive Troy needs some personal attention.
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He's in a bad way and I'm not well. We might post later in the week. Sorry my friend, I'm not being fair to you. Luv jada
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You're just fine. Don't worry about it, but I can't wait to see his reaction to the surprise. Although, he as to have some idea, he did make love to her and was fully aware there was no protection.
Comment from bigdaddyfirefly
I enjoyed your story...I like these kind of crime stories with shadowy cartels etc...although the flow seemed good...the transition from Steven and Joe...to Matt...it is confusing...the back and forth at times between Matt and Steven is hard to tell who's speaking...otherwise very compelling.I also liked the ending. Good job!
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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I enjoyed your story...I like these kind of crime stories with shadowy cartels etc...although the flow seemed good...the transition from Steven and Joe...to Matt...it is confusing...the back and forth at times between Matt and Steven is hard to tell who's speaking...otherwise very compelling.I also liked the ending. Good job!
Comment Written 11-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Matt was a hero in my first novel, many of my fans wanted to check up on him. He's bowing out now and Steven will be taking over.
Comment from Begin Again
Barbar
Even war within the family...who can you trust?
Very interesting. Held my attention through out the entire story. I am so glad that they recovered the baby safely.
Wonder if Leya will remain faithful to the good guys or in the clenches...save the family?
Great job?
Carol
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Barbar
Even war within the family...who can you trust?
Very interesting. Held my attention through out the entire story. I am so glad that they recovered the baby safely.
Wonder if Leya will remain faithful to the good guys or in the clenches...save the family?
Great job?
Carol
Comment Written 11-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words and questioning minds want to know.
Comment from Phil Kitom
Excellent news.... The baby has been recovered
but at the cost of Leya's security. A father
full of hate, willing to put a hit on his
own daughter... I look forward to reading on...
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Excellent news.... The baby has been recovered
but at the cost of Leya's security. A father
full of hate, willing to put a hit on his
own daughter... I look forward to reading on...
Comment Written 11-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from dymonz
This is good. Great dialogue and flows well. The end is a bit choppy where Leya makes her thoughts about Steven's physique -- there is no transition from the section above to Leya's thoughts...just an abrupt "jump" to what she's thinking. You may consider building in something that will make this transition smoother.
Things that I caught while reading:
"Steven lunged and grabbed the gun, before him.": consider revising; who is "him" -- the hispanic or Steven? Revising will clarify this.
"...Leya, as...": remove comma
"... beat, when he...": remove comma.
"...Leya, as...": comma unnecessary.
"... green eyes, caused a gulp...": remove the comma
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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This is good. Great dialogue and flows well. The end is a bit choppy where Leya makes her thoughts about Steven's physique -- there is no transition from the section above to Leya's thoughts...just an abrupt "jump" to what she's thinking. You may consider building in something that will make this transition smoother.
Things that I caught while reading:
"Steven lunged and grabbed the gun, before him.": consider revising; who is "him" -- the hispanic or Steven? Revising will clarify this.
"...Leya, as...": remove comma
"... beat, when he...": remove comma.
"...Leya, as...": comma unnecessary.
"... green eyes, caused a gulp...": remove the comma
Comment Written 11-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I went back and checked those commas, then pulled out my grammar books. This is what I found, Strunk and White The Elements of Style page 5 #4 Place a comma before a conjunction introducing an independent clause. Two-part sentence of which the second memeber is introduced by as (in the sense of because) for, or, nor, while,(in the sense of and at the same time) likewise require a comma before the conjunction.
I think I'll leave those commas alone. If an editor wants me to remove them, I will.
Comment from Shane Marquardt
Good chapter. Again, you have a really good plot. Try to let us see the action a bit more. As someone once told me, your story is like a movie playing in your head. You have to make sure your audience sees the same movie.
A few suggestions below.
"A tall slender Hispanic man jumped out of a chair and reached for his holstered gun."
(perhaps add some tense dialogue here) ex. "Don't bleeping move a muscle!"
Steven lunged and grabbed the gun(,) before him. (I believe you can remove comma here)
"This man's unarmed state did not prevent his near-black eyes from glaring at Leya(,) as she stood in the doorway. (remove comma. as I have heard, commas are used like taking a breath...if that makes sense...or a slight pause in the action, dialogue)
(see if you can give us a little more reaction/description in the paragraph below)
"Steven, aware this man didn't know he was in the room, took a knife from his boot, crept behind him, and stabbed him in the back. "Let's get out of here before the entire Vegas Cartel shows up." He bent down checking for a pulse. "We won't need to worry about this one."
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Good chapter. Again, you have a really good plot. Try to let us see the action a bit more. As someone once told me, your story is like a movie playing in your head. You have to make sure your audience sees the same movie.
A few suggestions below.
"A tall slender Hispanic man jumped out of a chair and reached for his holstered gun."
(perhaps add some tense dialogue here) ex. "Don't bleeping move a muscle!"
Steven lunged and grabbed the gun(,) before him. (I believe you can remove comma here)
"This man's unarmed state did not prevent his near-black eyes from glaring at Leya(,) as she stood in the doorway. (remove comma. as I have heard, commas are used like taking a breath...if that makes sense...or a slight pause in the action, dialogue)
(see if you can give us a little more reaction/description in the paragraph below)
"Steven, aware this man didn't know he was in the room, took a knife from his boot, crept behind him, and stabbed him in the back. "Let's get out of here before the entire Vegas Cartel shows up." He bent down checking for a pulse. "We won't need to worry about this one."
Comment Written 11-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I have rewritten that first paragraph many times, I will recheck it.
I went back and checked those commas, then pulled out my grammar books. This is what I found, Strunk and White The Elements of Style page 5 #4 Place a comma before a conjunction introducing an independent clause. Two-part sentence of which the second memeber is introduced by as (in the sense of because) for, or, nor, while,(in the sense of and at the same time) likewise require a comma before the conjunction.
I think I'll leave those commas alone. If an editor wants me to remove them, I will.
Comment from empire76
The plot is coming along well. Again here, I feel you can improve on the showing bit. I feel like there could be better transitions in your characters' actions.
E.g.:
- A tall slender Hispanic man jumped out of a chair and reached for his holstered gun. Steven grabbed it, before him.
Here, it would be good to let the reader know the distance between the man and the door. Not by saying he was two metres away... a good way might be to change how you present Steven grabbing the man's gun. Did he lunged forward (closing the one meter distance) to intercept the man's actions?
Your choice of language will clearly set up the scene so the reader can visualise it as you see it. Right now you are leaving too much to the reader's imagination
- His near(-)black eyes glared at Leya, as she stood in the doorway.
Whose near-black eyes? Since you've talked about Steven AND the man in the previous line, it would be good to mention a name or use a descriptor (like the Hispanic etc.). You can restructure here too and say something like, ... his unarmed state didn't prevent the man from glaring at Leya... (just throwing ideas at you here)
I only highlighted these two as examples, but I feel you could enhance the chapter by applying the idea through out. Use stronger adjectives and adverbs etc. You'll often find a word that can replace two or three in your sentence, which helps you save space for a little more detail.
Cheers
Empi
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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The plot is coming along well. Again here, I feel you can improve on the showing bit. I feel like there could be better transitions in your characters' actions.
E.g.:
- A tall slender Hispanic man jumped out of a chair and reached for his holstered gun. Steven grabbed it, before him.
Here, it would be good to let the reader know the distance between the man and the door. Not by saying he was two metres away... a good way might be to change how you present Steven grabbing the man's gun. Did he lunged forward (closing the one meter distance) to intercept the man's actions?
Your choice of language will clearly set up the scene so the reader can visualise it as you see it. Right now you are leaving too much to the reader's imagination
- His near(-)black eyes glared at Leya, as she stood in the doorway.
Whose near-black eyes? Since you've talked about Steven AND the man in the previous line, it would be good to mention a name or use a descriptor (like the Hispanic etc.). You can restructure here too and say something like, ... his unarmed state didn't prevent the man from glaring at Leya... (just throwing ideas at you here)
I only highlighted these two as examples, but I feel you could enhance the chapter by applying the idea through out. Use stronger adjectives and adverbs etc. You'll often find a word that can replace two or three in your sentence, which helps you save space for a little more detail.
Cheers
Empi
Comment Written 11-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I fixed a few things, you must of read it before I finished editing.
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Looks like it. I think the beginning is moe visual now and the action sequence is clear.
A few new things (sorry, I don't mean to nitpick) I picked up reading it over again:
- Leya's eyes widened as she backed up until her back was against the far wall.
Why? Let us know what has scared her here before the next person speaks.
Or
- "You are no longer my daughter." His hardened black eyes glared at her.
Introduce her father here. e.g. Her fatherâ??s (or better still use his full name) hardened black eyes glared at her.
- Leya stood beside the window, alone, as angry tears streamed down her cheeks.
Assuming we are in Leyaâ??s POV, it would be good to let us know what sheâ??s thinking now. Sheâ??s angry, yes, but why? Isnâ??t she scared too? What does defying her father mean for her? What has given her the strength to put her life at risk like this? etc.
- Steven walked into the room, felt the tension, and scanned the room. "OK, what did I miss?"
I paused a moment at this point, wondering 'How come Steven didnâ??t enter with them?'
This may be a good place to backtrack (just one of many solutions to the issue). By backtrack I mean, start from before he enters so we know what he's just finished. It will give you a chance to get into his thoughts a little (let the reader interact with your hero one-on-one) before dialogue etc begin again.
Hope that helps
Empi
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Steven was taking the prisons to be pasted off. He told Matt that. I'll reread and see what I can do. Thank you.
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I get that when he tells Matt, but the reader is left confused till then. My suggestion is to address that confusion and to allow the reader a one-on-one with Steven. (your call, of course)
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In my original mauscript I had it, but was told it was redunit, so I removed it because it the one that would need to know, and we know Steven had the prisoner with him, so why would he take the prisoner to Dani's hospital room?
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I don't think it's redundant. There are a couple of reasons he would cart him off to Dani's room. I could also put a question out: there are task force agent around, why couldn't he have delagated to someone. You are the author, and you can spin it whatever way you want...
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I'll think about it.
Comment from bc1yax
a most enjoyable chapter - well that was the room with the baby - now, is she a plant or what - what happen, with her collapsing at the end ?? -
- the story was smooth to read - no spad - the characters felt alive to me -
-- bc1yax
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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a most enjoyable chapter - well that was the room with the baby - now, is she a plant or what - what happen, with her collapsing at the end ?? -
- the story was smooth to read - no spad - the characters felt alive to me -
-- bc1yax
Comment Written 11-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.