Comment from bard owl

Excellent

The rhyming in this is excellent and the story you present creates a very vivid picture of love lost. The imagery is clear in such phrases as "My body sags with sorrow" and "With quivering lips and stinging tears". Best of luck in the contest with this very well-done entry. Blessings to you, Linda

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2009

Linda..

Thank you so much for the kind words and the review. I appreciate it very much. Carol

Comment from mmichelle97219

Good

I am keeping the contest guidlines in my review. 1) I loved the poem, and thought it bounceed along nicely. 2) I get longing, regret, lonliness, but there is no sorrow which I am understanding the emotion you were trying to convey. You need some more emotional language to really get the feeling on display. As it is it reads a little too matter-of-fact to really move the reader in the direction you want. its okay, but could be great.

good luck in the voting booth
michelle

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 Comment Written 06-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2009

First, a thought of SADNESS
Of lost moments we once shared.
Soon followed by the anger,
DISTRAUGHT, that life's unfair.

Next will come the HOPELESSNESS,
The inability to care,
The thought of senseless living
Without your love to share.

Lightning bolts, SPEARS OF PAIN
Attack my SHATTERED HEART.
SOBS OF SORROW, thunderous roar
Because of death, we part.

With ragged breath, shaking hands,
MY BODY SAGS WITH SORROW.

Michelle..I thank you for reading my poem. Every reader gets something different from a poem. If you have ever lost a child or someone you love every one of these words speaks of sorrow. I lost my son and grandson and this is how I felt. I'm sorry you didn't see that. Thank you. Carol

Comment from Sue_Angel

Exceptional

This is a stunning and hauntingly beautiful poem. You kept the meter and rhyming sequence throughout. The emotions are deep and well-expressed. Definitely worth 6 stars.

Congratulations!

Best,
Susan

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2009

Susan

Thank you so much for the awesome words and the stars...I greatly appreciate the fact that you enjoyed the poem. Awesome review! Thanks again - Carol

Comment from amada

Excellent

This line really spoke to me because it has the intrinsic symbol of hope "I wander through the garden With coffee cups for two." A lovingly touching love poem.

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2009

Amada...

Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate it. Carol

Comment from joan marie

Excellent

I think it's good that you ended it with a 'glimmer of hope'. I believe we want to look upon the next day as a better one with a renew sense of spirit. You sure covered the stages of grief well. Great read. joan marie

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2009

Joan Marie..

I guess I've been there, done that so much it is second nature to write it. Though my mind keeps telling me about that light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. Carol

reply by joan marie on 06-Jul-2009

It is a must that we find some hope even when it is our darkest hour. jm

Comment from jshep

Excellent

This is heart-breaking, Carol. Grief is such a difficult thing to get through and you have done a great job with the stage of sadness and then anger. Love the optimistic turn at the end 'to try again, tomorrow.' The flow and rhyme on this poem was fantastic. And the emotions were in the forefront with great analogy with the weather. Excellent job. Joyce

the inability to care - I might suggest omitting 'the'.

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2009

Joyce..

Thanks for reading and commenting. It's like my life story but I keep watching for the light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks again Carol

Comment from Blaidd Drwg

Excellent

Carol, what a terrific poem. Very sad, heartbreaking in fact. Some of your lines had me near to tears:

No loving smile or tender kiss
As emptiness greets me.

Lightning bolts, spears of pain
Attack my shattered heart.
Sobs of sorrow, thunderous roar
Because of death, we part.

but there is just a glimmer of hope at the end.

John

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2009

John..

I am glad that you found merit in my poem. It seems like life just wants to put you in a choke hold, but you have keep looking for that glimmer of hope. Thanks for your kind words. Your friend, Carol

Comment from wierdgrace

Excellent

Such a great poem, the words show the emotional feelings in the heart and the hope of returning. what a great poem for this contest, good luck, this is perfect.

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2009

Wierdgrace,

Thank you so much for your kind words. They are greatly appreciated. Carol

Comment from josejodar

Excellent

i have really liked your poem. I think it is very well written. It has a lot of ryhtm. And it's very sad too!!Congratulations for this good job!greetings!

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2009

jose jodar

Thanks you for reading and commenting on my poem. I truly appreciate it. Thanks again Carol

Comment from fictionwriter

Excellent

I've felt exactly that way. Fortunately I had small children that didn't understand mommy wanting to stay in bed. So for their sake I had to get up and keep going. I love this poem. Well done.

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2009

fictionwriter..

My heart goes out to you because I too have been there. Though I lost my four year old son who use to have cocoa with me in the morning. While my husband vegetated, I had to care for three other children.

I am glad you loved the poem and I certainly appreciate your kind words. Thanks again - your friend, Carol