Flash Fiction
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "A Race Against Time"Collection of Flash, Micro, etc.
31 total reviews
Comment from Belinda
Very interesting, from the beginning until the end. I caught my breath when Jenna was approaching the address. Fortunately you give me the happy ending. But I cannot but wonder: who is the girl with the bikini in the picture? Wonderful, see you next time. (What a co-incidence, our stories are shown on the same page today, mine just under yours).
reply by the author on 28-May-2009
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Very interesting, from the beginning until the end. I caught my breath when Jenna was approaching the address. Fortunately you give me the happy ending. But I cannot but wonder: who is the girl with the bikini in the picture? Wonderful, see you next time. (What a co-incidence, our stories are shown on the same page today, mine just under yours).
Comment Written 28-May-2009
reply by the author on 28-May-2009
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Thank you for reading and commenting. Since we couldn't see her face, maybe she is a friend that helped stage the hoax. I'm not sure I would have found any humor in it, but it made a good story I think.
Thanks again - CC
Comment from kenorabug
Ohhhh, how I would be pissed. Entertaining piece. The reader can identify with the panic that Jenna is feeling.
One typo: missed period in paragraph 3:23
Good luck with the contest:)
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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Ohhhh, how I would be pissed. Entertaining piece. The reader can identify with the panic that Jenna is feeling.
One typo: missed period in paragraph 3:23
Good luck with the contest:)
Comment Written 27-May-2009
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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Me too! That's what is nice about writing, you can say and do anything and no one gets hurt.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on the story. It was fun to write. Thanks again - CC
Comment from --Turtle.
This was super clever. I liked it, kind of reminded me of a creepshow I once saw, except with a way happier ending, and the implications were planned by the husband, verse just misunderstood by the wife. I would do something twisted like that to my guy, but he would never take the bait... I don't think... Hmmm... what if I did... ha, it would probably have the creepshow type of ending instead!
I think this the type of story that the contest readers really love, so good luck with the entry.
Here are some things that I noticed that you could consider to change if you like.(I think it could be improvements, but some days I feel insecure about my suggestions, offering suggestions stresses me out some days, so if you don't like them that's cool)
The recorder switched on before she could reach the telephone. (at first I got a strange visual on a device used for a recorder, I didn't know what it was at first. When you mentioned cell phones, I wondered if "The answering machine switched on" would make more sense verse a recorder.
Her throat was tight (Her throat felt tight)?
Anxiety was overshadowing Jenna's fatigue. (Anxiety overshadowed Jenna's fatigue.)? was overshadowing is passive? and I think that 'was' is used a lot.
message again, (but)? the doorbell rang
Jenna couldn't believe (this)? was happening.
possible(.) Sensing <--(spag, period missing)?
Her heart was pounding (Her heart pounded)?
I liked the time itinerary chase scene. This was cool
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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This was super clever. I liked it, kind of reminded me of a creepshow I once saw, except with a way happier ending, and the implications were planned by the husband, verse just misunderstood by the wife. I would do something twisted like that to my guy, but he would never take the bait... I don't think... Hmmm... what if I did... ha, it would probably have the creepshow type of ending instead!
I think this the type of story that the contest readers really love, so good luck with the entry.
Here are some things that I noticed that you could consider to change if you like.(I think it could be improvements, but some days I feel insecure about my suggestions, offering suggestions stresses me out some days, so if you don't like them that's cool)
The recorder switched on before she could reach the telephone. (at first I got a strange visual on a device used for a recorder, I didn't know what it was at first. When you mentioned cell phones, I wondered if "The answering machine switched on" would make more sense verse a recorder.
Her throat was tight (Her throat felt tight)?
Anxiety was overshadowing Jenna's fatigue. (Anxiety overshadowed Jenna's fatigue.)? was overshadowing is passive? and I think that 'was' is used a lot.
message again, (but)? the doorbell rang
Jenna couldn't believe (this)? was happening.
possible(.) Sensing <--(spag, period missing)?
Her heart was pounding (Her heart pounded)?
I liked the time itinerary chase scene. This was cool
Comment Written 27-May-2009
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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Must have been writer's block...of course, answering machine is were I was headed. Thanks!
Thank you for reading and for sharing your comments. I wrote this off the top of my head and who knows where that was while I was writing. lol Thank you again - CC
Comment from --Turtle.
This was super clever. I liked it, kind of reminded me of a creepshow I once saw, except with a way happier ending, and the implications were planned by the husband, verse just misunderstood by the wife. I would do something twisted like that to my guy, but he would never take the bait... I don't think... Hmmm... what if I did... ha, it would probably have the creepshow type of ending instead!
I think this the type of story that the contest readers really love, so good luck with the entry.
Here are some things that I noticed that you could consider to change if you like.(I think it could be improvements, but some days I feel insecure about my suggestions, offering suggestions stresses me out some days, so if you don't like them that's cool)
The recorder switched on before she could reach the telephone. (at first I got a strange visual on a device used for a recorder, I didn't know what it was at first. When you mentioned cell phones, I wondered if "The answering machine switched on" would make more sense verse a recorder.
Her throat was tight (Her throat felt tight)?
Anxiety was overshadowing Jenna's fatigue. (Anxiety overshadowed Jenna's fatigue.)? was overshadowing is passive? and I think that 'was' is used a lot.
message again, (but)? the doorbell rang
Jenna couldn't believe (this)? was happening.
possible(.) Sensing <--(spag, period missing)?
Her heart was pounding (Her heart pounded)?
I liked the time itinerary chase scene. This was cool
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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This was super clever. I liked it, kind of reminded me of a creepshow I once saw, except with a way happier ending, and the implications were planned by the husband, verse just misunderstood by the wife. I would do something twisted like that to my guy, but he would never take the bait... I don't think... Hmmm... what if I did... ha, it would probably have the creepshow type of ending instead!
I think this the type of story that the contest readers really love, so good luck with the entry.
Here are some things that I noticed that you could consider to change if you like.(I think it could be improvements, but some days I feel insecure about my suggestions, offering suggestions stresses me out some days, so if you don't like them that's cool)
The recorder switched on before she could reach the telephone. (at first I got a strange visual on a device used for a recorder, I didn't know what it was at first. When you mentioned cell phones, I wondered if "The answering machine switched on" would make more sense verse a recorder.
Her throat was tight (Her throat felt tight)?
Anxiety was overshadowing Jenna's fatigue. (Anxiety overshadowed Jenna's fatigue.)? was overshadowing is passive? and I think that 'was' is used a lot.
message again, (but)? the doorbell rang
Jenna couldn't believe (this)? was happening.
possible(.) Sensing <--(spag, period missing)?
Her heart was pounding (Her heart pounded)?
I liked the time itinerary chase scene. This was cool
Comment Written 27-May-2009
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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Hi again...somehow I received your comments twice so I'll just thank you again. - CC
Comment from Tricia
I think that's a practical joke that would mean the end of the marraige before it started and a few friendships also.
Well written and fantasic imagination, but very bad idea.
Trish
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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I think that's a practical joke that would mean the end of the marraige before it started and a few friendships also.
Well written and fantasic imagination, but very bad idea.
Trish
Comment Written 27-May-2009
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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You are so right...I'd be pretty upset. But since it wasn't real, it sounded like a good ending!!! Thanks for your comments. -- CC
Comment from jojosug
Well, I wouldn't have been laughing if I'd had this joke played on me! Nevertheless a very clever and interesting story with a great twist at the end. A pleasure to read.
Jo
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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Well, I wouldn't have been laughing if I'd had this joke played on me! Nevertheless a very clever and interesting story with a great twist at the end. A pleasure to read.
Jo
Comment Written 27-May-2009
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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You are so right...I wouldn't be laughing either. That's why writing is so much fun. I can say or do anything and nobody gets hurt. Thank you for your comments - CC
Comment from Annmuma
What a delightful story -- I think! At least, it's delightful when it happens to someone else. I would be furious. Good job. Clever. Creative and no spag. Good luck. ann
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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What a delightful story -- I think! At least, it's delightful when it happens to someone else. I would be furious. Good job. Clever. Creative and no spag. Good luck. ann
Comment Written 27-May-2009
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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That's what I love about writing. I can say or do what ever I want and no one gets hurt.
I could never do that in real life and I certainly wouldn't want it done to me.
Thanks for your comments - CC
Comment from Clouddancer
A real surprise ending. this story kept me
glued to the screen. made me wondertho. While the hoax had her response and she wanted to trust., how did he feel that she had followed the instrutions. did he think she did not trust him? So the story left not just a surprise but also question in the mind of this reader. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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A real surprise ending. this story kept me
glued to the screen. made me wondertho. While the hoax had her response and she wanted to trust., how did he feel that she had followed the instrutions. did he think she did not trust him? So the story left not just a surprise but also question in the mind of this reader. Nicely done.
Comment Written 27-May-2009
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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Given the choice, I certainly would have written more about their feelings, but the rules demanded no more than 800 words. At 796, I was limited. Especially since I prefer to descriptive, painting vivid pictures. This particular piece was challenging but fun.
Thank you again for reading and commenting on my story. --CC
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You are most welcome. I think the story is perfect as is...it has a quality of surpirse and quesion that makes the reader want to read more of your work.
Comment from adewpearl
I have heard people tell me true stories about surprise parties and the hoaxes that led up to them, and there is just something inside of me that does not find them at all cute or fun or exciting - I find it all quite cruel and dark and mean-spirited. I know that people really do stuff like this, but am I the only person who cringes at it??? You tell the story well - you convey her anxiety well and her shock and disbelief. She could have gotten into an accident in that state of mind. Lucky for him, she didn't tote a gun. If I were she and found out he had just orchestrated that hoax, I'd at least hit him over the head with the nearest blunt object!!! This is excellent flash fiction, by the way. :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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I have heard people tell me true stories about surprise parties and the hoaxes that led up to them, and there is just something inside of me that does not find them at all cute or fun or exciting - I find it all quite cruel and dark and mean-spirited. I know that people really do stuff like this, but am I the only person who cringes at it??? You tell the story well - you convey her anxiety well and her shock and disbelief. She could have gotten into an accident in that state of mind. Lucky for him, she didn't tote a gun. If I were she and found out he had just orchestrated that hoax, I'd at least hit him over the head with the nearest blunt object!!! This is excellent flash fiction, by the way. :-) Brooke
Comment Written 27-May-2009
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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I would probably have done the same if I had been able to use more words! I certainly could feel her anxiety and pain as she considered the betrayal. Thank heavens it was only on paper. Normally I write using lots of description but I was challenged to do less.
Thank you for reading and commenting. I appreciate all your thoughts. -- CC
Comment from Zaphod
You got me as well as Jenna. Guess I've been reading too many cheatin heart mysteries. Great job. Fits the description for the contest.
Built up the pace nicely. I only saw one thing on my read:
"a (missed dialed) [misdialed] call, but the..."
Keep up the good work, and all the best in the contest.
Z
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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You got me as well as Jenna. Guess I've been reading too many cheatin heart mysteries. Great job. Fits the description for the contest.
Built up the pace nicely. I only saw one thing on my read:
"a (missed dialed) [misdialed] call, but the..."
Keep up the good work, and all the best in the contest.
Z
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-May-2009
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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Thank you for reading, enjoying and commenting. It was fun and I enjoyed writing it. I tend to be quite descriptive and paint lengthy, vivid pictures when I write so this was definitely a challenge.
Thanks again - CC
