A Leaf on the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Mrs. B."Autobiography of abuse
24 total reviews
Comment from storyman29
Greetings smurphgirl
A somewhat interesting little story.
My biggest annoyance continued throughout the prose. It concerns the overuse of the passive verb 'was'. All editors call it a no.no and should be avoided if possible.
For example: ('This is where the boots came in handy.') BETTER AS [Now, the boots came in handy.]
Try moving words around to eliminate 'was' It's like a little game.
Best regards - storyman29
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reply by the author on 02-Feb-2009
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Greetings smurphgirl
A somewhat interesting little story.
My biggest annoyance continued throughout the prose. It concerns the overuse of the passive verb 'was'. All editors call it a no.no and should be avoided if possible.
For example: ('This is where the boots came in handy.') BETTER AS [Now, the boots came in handy.]
Try moving words around to eliminate 'was' It's like a little game.
Best regards - storyman29
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2009
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Thank you, I appreciate you suggestions and will look over my story again. I agree "was" is overused.
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Greetings smurphgirl
Writing does take a lot of learning and effort. Keep at it.
Best regards - storyman29
Comment from lucylambchop
Hi Smurphgirl, I really like your story and I think that it's endearing for Valerie to have found someone in whom she can trust in her difficult circumstances. I think that the way you describe the activities that Valerie gets up to with Mrs. B. provide a real focus for Valerie away from her troubled homelife which acts as a nice relief for her and the general context of the story ie. being with Mrs. B gives her warmth and humour and somewhere to 'run' to away from her terrifying home environment. You descibe the setting really well and I almost felt I was in the bin searching for the fruits and veg myself! Just one thing that someone on fanstory pointed out to me about my own work & that I see in yours is that lines of speech should be separated out from the body of the text by pressing the space bar. Welldone, kind regards from lucylambchop.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2009
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Hi Smurphgirl, I really like your story and I think that it's endearing for Valerie to have found someone in whom she can trust in her difficult circumstances. I think that the way you describe the activities that Valerie gets up to with Mrs. B. provide a real focus for Valerie away from her troubled homelife which acts as a nice relief for her and the general context of the story ie. being with Mrs. B gives her warmth and humour and somewhere to 'run' to away from her terrifying home environment. You descibe the setting really well and I almost felt I was in the bin searching for the fruits and veg myself! Just one thing that someone on fanstory pointed out to me about my own work & that I see in yours is that lines of speech should be separated out from the body of the text by pressing the space bar. Welldone, kind regards from lucylambchop.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2009
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Thank you. You comments are greatly appreciated.Thank you
Comment from MumEsGirl
Intersting story from childhood. But to be honest your style is a little repetitive. Mrs. B. said this, Mrs. B. Said that.
Your entire chapter is a tirade on Mrs. B.
The writing style is good in that it tells us childhood story. If you were to be a little more inventive with your quotes it would be very enjoyable read
best wishes
kate
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2009
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Intersting story from childhood. But to be honest your style is a little repetitive. Mrs. B. said this, Mrs. B. Said that.
Your entire chapter is a tirade on Mrs. B.
The writing style is good in that it tells us childhood story. If you were to be a little more inventive with your quotes it would be very enjoyable read
best wishes
kate
Comment Written 02-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2009
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Thank you. Your comments are appreciated and I will work on my quotes. Again, thanks.
Comment from runnermama
This was a very interesting and captivating piece. I enjoyed it immensely. The only two corrections I thought I saw was that you had salt and peppershakers and I believe that it should read pepper shakers. And also you had kido and I believe it has an extra 'd' for kiddo. The story moved along smoothly and the characters were believable. I really enjoyed reading. Thank you for allowing me to review it.
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reply by the author on 02-Feb-2009
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This was a very interesting and captivating piece. I enjoyed it immensely. The only two corrections I thought I saw was that you had salt and peppershakers and I believe that it should read pepper shakers. And also you had kido and I believe it has an extra 'd' for kiddo. The story moved along smoothly and the characters were believable. I really enjoyed reading. Thank you for allowing me to review it.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2009
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Thank you. I appreciate you comments and will make the corrections you suggested.