The Mermaid and the Octopus
A children's story teaching about other cultures32 total reviews
Comment from RaymondJohn
I'll never forget the time Art Linkletter asked a little boy what he wanted to be when he grew up. "I want to be an octopus so I can scare everybody with my big testicles." "You mean tentacles," Art said. The little boy looked at him with a serious expression. "Oh no, Mr. Linkletter, I mean testicles."
Cute story that should be a strong entry. Good luck, only not too good. Best. Ray.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2008
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I'll never forget the time Art Linkletter asked a little boy what he wanted to be when he grew up. "I want to be an octopus so I can scare everybody with my big testicles." "You mean tentacles," Art said. The little boy looked at him with a serious expression. "Oh no, Mr. Linkletter, I mean testicles."
Cute story that should be a strong entry. Good luck, only not too good. Best. Ray.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2008
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Thanks for your confidence. I appreciate it. Thanks also for a good review.
Comment from honeytree
Alvin
I really like this story and hope to read more. I would go gently with this at first as we may learn more of these land creatures and others.
If on rocks the boat they could become frightened. What age group are you writing this for?.I say this as I feel the story could unfold to be a children's book. Good luck Alvin and catch you soon.
Honeytree.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2008
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Alvin
I really like this story and hope to read more. I would go gently with this at first as we may learn more of these land creatures and others.
If on rocks the boat they could become frightened. What age group are you writing this for?.I say this as I feel the story could unfold to be a children's book. Good luck Alvin and catch you soon.
Honeytree.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2008
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Thanks for a good review. My ideal intended reader is an eight year old girl. Do you think that's about right? Thanks again.
Comment from Bryana
This is a cute story Alvin. As you know I don't write many stories but I love to read them. There is a friendly atmosphere
among the personalities in the story and this makes it fun for children to read.
The picture enhances the meaning of the story. She could be the "mermaid" in the big "aquarium".
I always enjoy reading your work. Thank you for sharing your talent. Ana
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2008
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This is a cute story Alvin. As you know I don't write many stories but I love to read them. There is a friendly atmosphere
among the personalities in the story and this makes it fun for children to read.
The picture enhances the meaning of the story. She could be the "mermaid" in the big "aquarium".
I always enjoy reading your work. Thank you for sharing your talent. Ana
Comment Written 26-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2008
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Thanks for a great review. This is one of the hardest genres for me to write (the others are science fiction and fantasy), so I truly appreciate this review from someone whose work I respect so much. Thanks again.
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You are very welcome. Ana
Comment from ThyLordDracula
a very well written story - you have a very vivid imagination - children would surely enjoy this story - I know I did - respectfully ^v^
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2008
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a very well written story - you have a very vivid imagination - children would surely enjoy this story - I know I did - respectfully ^v^
Comment Written 26-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2008
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Thank you for your kind review. Children's literature is incredibly hard for me to write, so I greatly appreciate your review.
Comment from Allezw2
Master ATE,
Curiously, I looked at it the first time and thought of a peacock!
Still, a quite simple-concept with a moral tale suitable for a small child's introduction to fantasy.
I still find it hard to see a narwhal as the inspiration for the mermaid myth.
This is an Interesting juxtaposition of the pieces of disparate myths.
Anyway, Disney is advertising the imminent DVD of "Ariel: The Beginning"
Nicely done,
Fantasist.
Fantasist
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2008
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Master ATE,
Curiously, I looked at it the first time and thought of a peacock!
Still, a quite simple-concept with a moral tale suitable for a small child's introduction to fantasy.
I still find it hard to see a narwhal as the inspiration for the mermaid myth.
This is an Interesting juxtaposition of the pieces of disparate myths.
Anyway, Disney is advertising the imminent DVD of "Ariel: The Beginning"
Nicely done,
Fantasist.
Fantasist
Comment Written 26-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2008
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For clarification, I don't quite "get" the "narwhal" reference. Would you be so kind as to explain it to me? Also, although I have a friend who works for Disney, I know nothing of the reference to "Ariel." Thank you for a good review.
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The narwhal is believed to be the basis of the mermaid myth being verified when these marine mammals were seen by Europeans exploring the north-eastern North American continent in the fifteenth century and later.
The reference to Disney's Ariel is a result of the number of bill boards touting the DVD release. I drive by one half a mile from my house.
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Whoops, forgot to mention that narwhals are white and will rest on the surgace for extended periods of time. Possibly these sightings might have excited some seaman's fantasy.
Comment from c_lucas
Hi Alvin, you have surprised me yet,again. As I read your children story, it reminded me of a modern Aesop's Tale. I was very impressed by it. The smooth flowing sentences makes it an easy read. It has good imagery and descriptive scheme. I wish you the best of luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2008
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Hi Alvin, you have surprised me yet,again. As I read your children story, it reminded me of a modern Aesop's Tale. I was very impressed by it. The smooth flowing sentences makes it an easy read. It has good imagery and descriptive scheme. I wish you the best of luck in your contest.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2008
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Yes, I was brought up on my father's (a marvelous Southern storyteller's) fables. See my sonnet "When Angels Call." Thank you so much for this extremely kind review.
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You're welcome. It's always a pleasure to read your work. Charlei
Comment from storymama
I like your story very much. I appreciate the way the different creatures understand and relate to one another. I have one question.
her mother explained to them they- up to this point it seemed like just Shelley and her mother were talking so I wondered who 'them' represents here.
The wonderful thing about pictures is we can each see what our own life experience causes us to see and after reading your story I can see the octopus also. God bless you. Laura
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2008
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I like your story very much. I appreciate the way the different creatures understand and relate to one another. I have one question.
her mother explained to them they- up to this point it seemed like just Shelley and her mother were talking so I wondered who 'them' represents here.
The wonderful thing about pictures is we can each see what our own life experience causes us to see and after reading your story I can see the octopus also. God bless you. Laura
Comment Written 25-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2008
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Good catch; that should have been "her"; thanks for noticing that before the work was submitted for judging. I am in your debt. Thanks for a good review.
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'Tis a rare occaision to find an error in your work. ;-) I'm glad I found it in time, too. Have a great week. God bless. Laura
Comment from tteach
This is a very different version from some of the others that I have read. You saw a mermaid, deep in the ocean. You give her an unusual friend, who comes to her rescue.
Fantasy is not easy to write. On top of that, it is a children's story.
I like that characters become good friends, as it shows that we can have relationships with all kinds of creatures. The mentions to religions and religious beliefs pull us out of the fantasy world, and make it more of a moral text.
A couple of things:
Oscar was awakening from a deep sleep. Shelley was, as usual, holding on to one of his tentacles (you rely quite a bit on "to be" verbs, which are passive)
Shelley was concerned for her new and only friend. (how about dropping the "new"?)
Oscar had truly grown to care for her (again, the "to have" verbs create a passive voice.)
I think that the story might stay true to fantasy if the religious references were dropped, but that is only my opinion. It all depends upon the purpose of the text. If you intend to instruct, then, by all means, the references should remain.
terry
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2008
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This is a very different version from some of the others that I have read. You saw a mermaid, deep in the ocean. You give her an unusual friend, who comes to her rescue.
Fantasy is not easy to write. On top of that, it is a children's story.
I like that characters become good friends, as it shows that we can have relationships with all kinds of creatures. The mentions to religions and religious beliefs pull us out of the fantasy world, and make it more of a moral text.
A couple of things:
Oscar was awakening from a deep sleep. Shelley was, as usual, holding on to one of his tentacles (you rely quite a bit on "to be" verbs, which are passive)
Shelley was concerned for her new and only friend. (how about dropping the "new"?)
Oscar had truly grown to care for her (again, the "to have" verbs create a passive voice.)
I think that the story might stay true to fantasy if the religious references were dropped, but that is only my opinion. It all depends upon the purpose of the text. If you intend to instruct, then, by all means, the references should remain.
terry
Comment Written 25-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2008
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Yes, I intended for this poem to be didactic about how different cultures and religions could co-exist in harmony. I have never understood the need to avoid the passive voice; perhaps you could explain it to me (this is a serious request.) Thanks for a good review.
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I didn't understand the passive, either, for teh longest time.
I was going is "weaker" than I went.
Or, I had decided is "weaker" than I decided.
Whenever possible, choose the more active verb. It strengthens the writing. The other plus is that the auxiliary verbs (be, have, do) are overused. By avoiding them, you have less repetition.
does that make sense?
terry
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yes, that's helpful. But I find the use of many active verbs makes my writing sound like German to me. Perhaps that is something I need to overcome. You certainly have given me something to consider.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Alvin, this is definitely a great story for children to read even at my age.
You have such a vivid imagination.
A mermaid and an Octopus.
I see you have a religious belief a good addition to your story about life and killing-
'You cannot kill him now. Some of my Christian friends say animals can speak in stories in their holy books?an animal spoke to someone called Balaam. They say it is in the holy book of the Jews, as well,' the pretty land creature continued.
The best of luck
Gert
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2008
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Alvin, this is definitely a great story for children to read even at my age.
You have such a vivid imagination.
A mermaid and an Octopus.
I see you have a religious belief a good addition to your story about life and killing-
'You cannot kill him now. Some of my Christian friends say animals can speak in stories in their holy books?an animal spoke to someone called Balaam. They say it is in the holy book of the Jews, as well,' the pretty land creature continued.
The best of luck
Gert
Comment Written 25-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2008
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Thank you for complimenting me on my imagination on this one. It was a difficult write. Thanks for a good review as well.
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You are so welocme alvin you defentily deserved the 6 *****'s (stars.)
Gert
Comment from Nanalin56
I very much enjoyed reading this story (and I know my granddaughters would!) It is a great teaching story intertwined with lots of issues children deal with.
I didn't see any errors-just good reading.
Well done!
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2008
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I very much enjoyed reading this story (and I know my granddaughters would!) It is a great teaching story intertwined with lots of issues children deal with.
I didn't see any errors-just good reading.
Well done!
Comment Written 25-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2008
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Thanks. This is the first long piece of children's literature I have written, so your review is immensely reassuring.