Serpent's Bargain
Her desire is called a sin to shackle her power ...27 total reviews
Comment from Nicki.B
Patrick this is excellent what a fabulous poem. Your use of language is for me complex and I had to read through it a few times too understand it properly, I must admit. Stanza two is my favourite it captures brilliantly, the venom towards her ,'the scaly scalding and venom spits' and 'fork tongued fits' . Well done.
Best Wishes
Nicki
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2024
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Patrick this is excellent what a fabulous poem. Your use of language is for me complex and I had to read through it a few times too understand it properly, I must admit. Stanza two is my favourite it captures brilliantly, the venom towards her ,'the scaly scalding and venom spits' and 'fork tongued fits' . Well done.
Best Wishes
Nicki
Comment Written 15-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2024
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Thank you, Nicki! I am very happy you enjoyed the poem! 😊
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing this club entry with us. This, is again, a poem that challenges our thought processes. You tend to do that and you do it very well. I enjoyed reading.
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2024
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Thank you for sharing this club entry with us. This, is again, a poem that challenges our thought processes. You tend to do that and you do it very well. I enjoyed reading.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2024
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Thank you, Barbara! 😊
Comment from karenina
I read this and sense the serpent reference slips into social commentary on the imbalance of what is judged moral for a woman, versus a man.
"Our bodies our choice" is often ascribed to health decisions, but oh the subtle and not so subtle cluck of collective tongues bleeds over into the judgement and guilt targeting women's sexual pleasure and choice--as spoon fed to the masses most often by "malignant moral men."
I saw a tee t-shirt at a local farmer's market.
"Embracing human rights in no way diminishes your own. It's not PIE!"
(I want one!)
Exceptional poem!
Karenina
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2024
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I read this and sense the serpent reference slips into social commentary on the imbalance of what is judged moral for a woman, versus a man.
"Our bodies our choice" is often ascribed to health decisions, but oh the subtle and not so subtle cluck of collective tongues bleeds over into the judgement and guilt targeting women's sexual pleasure and choice--as spoon fed to the masses most often by "malignant moral men."
I saw a tee t-shirt at a local farmer's market.
"Embracing human rights in no way diminishes your own. It's not PIE!"
(I want one!)
Exceptional poem!
Karenina
Comment Written 15-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2024
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Thank you Karenina! Yes, you nailed the point, this double standard.
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I wrote "Babies in Buckets" with this sane double standard in mind.
Comment from jim vecchio
I read this and think of some of the people and places of my youth. Though the Serpent had them firmly in his grip, they were not all bad people, many were just folk who fell into a trap.
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reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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I read this and think of some of the people and places of my youth. Though the Serpent had them firmly in his grip, they were not all bad people, many were just folk who fell into a trap.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
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Comment Written 15-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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Thanks Jim! 😊
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Keep on writing.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
This garnered three reads from me, in part to enjoy it again and in part to wonder at the meaning.
Love the alliteration on the third lines and the rhyme scheme.
A metaphor for Eve and the Garden of Eden? But I see this as a modern tale of "malignant moral men" condemning the sexuality of women as men will do whatever they choose for their "blinding blissful blast" of an orgasm sprung.
And Christianity is the holy light that roasts her soul? The "code" is what allows men their evil behavior while they point the finger at women - at Eve - at the serpent?
This would be a great poem to break down in a writing group.
I've been waiting to award my last six to a worthy piece of writing, and this is it. Very well done - I'm printing it to keep on my desk.
xo
Pam
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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This garnered three reads from me, in part to enjoy it again and in part to wonder at the meaning.
Love the alliteration on the third lines and the rhyme scheme.
A metaphor for Eve and the Garden of Eden? But I see this as a modern tale of "malignant moral men" condemning the sexuality of women as men will do whatever they choose for their "blinding blissful blast" of an orgasm sprung.
And Christianity is the holy light that roasts her soul? The "code" is what allows men their evil behavior while they point the finger at women - at Eve - at the serpent?
This would be a great poem to break down in a writing group.
I've been waiting to award my last six to a worthy piece of writing, and this is it. Very well done - I'm printing it to keep on my desk.
xo
Pam
Comment Written 15-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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Howdy Pam! Thank you for checking in! You perfectly nailed the meaning. This was the poem I referenced in the interview concerning sexual free will for women free of blame and guilt. I love that you printed it out! BUT, I have changed it quite a bit today as I finally think I ironed out all the rhythm problems. To do that, I had to change a lot of the words. I think now it is a much better poem because it is iambic throughout. Talk to you again soon! 😊
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And I thought it was perfect as it was. I have so much to learn about poetry.
Thanks for the reviewing nomination, by the way. Much appreciated.
xo
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
I enjoyed the passionate sentiment in your poem and your end rhymes Patrick. Your metre is a bit bumpy in places as some words disrupt the flow. A fine write for the club, love Dolly x
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reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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I enjoyed the passionate sentiment in your poem and your end rhymes Patrick. Your metre is a bit bumpy in places as some words disrupt the flow. A fine write for the club, love Dolly x
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Comment Written 14-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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Hey Dolly! Your review was the last straw! 🤣 I didn't like the rhythm problems in it either. I have just about rewritten this entire poem in the 24 hours since you reviewed it. I had written this a long time ago before I became good at iambic. I think it is now perfectly iambic, but the wording has changed quite a bit. Thanks for giving me the impetus to make my poem a lot better! 😊
Comment from Marilyn Hamilton
Stunning poem. I love the alliteration on every third line. I think i understand the premise. Is the woman Eve and the snake is the serpent from The Garden of Eden? The snake coils around her to keep her sexuality at bay in order to stifle her power? Am i close at all? lol Loved it.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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Stunning poem. I love the alliteration on every third line. I think i understand the premise. Is the woman Eve and the snake is the serpent from The Garden of Eden? The snake coils around her to keep her sexuality at bay in order to stifle her power? Am i close at all? lol Loved it.
Comment Written 14-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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Hey Marilyn! I have just about rewritten this entire poem since you reviewed it. I couldn't stand the rhythm problems. I had written this a long time ago before I became good at iambic. I think it is now perfectly iambic, but the wording has changed quite a bit. Thanks so much for one of your 6-stars! 😊
