Loves Always to Blame.
Western Ballad in 8-6-8-6 format.29 total reviews
Comment from LateBloomer
Hello Yardier, I could hear Kenny Rogers singing this ballad. Your ballad is filled with good imagery, and I could see the whole scene from the snowbanks to the card game in the saloon to Slim being frozen dead.
Of special note:
SKINNY LILL GRABBED THE PEACEMAKER
THAT HUNG BENEATH THE BAR,
WITH HER FINGER ON THE TRIGGER
SAID, "THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR."
(The highlight of the poem. I could feel for just a moment that everyone in the Saloon was as frozen as the ground ice outside.)
A poem from a time and place when men made their own "Justice."
Well done. Keep the blue waters flowing. Margaret ~ LateBloomer
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
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Hello Yardier, I could hear Kenny Rogers singing this ballad. Your ballad is filled with good imagery, and I could see the whole scene from the snowbanks to the card game in the saloon to Slim being frozen dead.
Of special note:
SKINNY LILL GRABBED THE PEACEMAKER
THAT HUNG BENEATH THE BAR,
WITH HER FINGER ON THE TRIGGER
SAID, "THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR."
(The highlight of the poem. I could feel for just a moment that everyone in the Saloon was as frozen as the ground ice outside.)
A poem from a time and place when men made their own "Justice."
Well done. Keep the blue waters flowing. Margaret ~ LateBloomer
Comment Written 11-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
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Thanks Margaret, your insight and review are always appreciated. It would be nice if someone like Kenny Rogers sang the ballad. I could use the royalties. (;-)
Comment from royowen
A nicely written ballad, about the people that inhabited a western town, we may think it's a little, but lawlessness ruled that time and that era, and it was either shoot first, or be quick and accurate on the draw, or shoot in the back, beautifully written, blessings Roy
Typo : He gave (bisquit) biscuit?
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
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A nicely written ballad, about the people that inhabited a western town, we may think it's a little, but lawlessness ruled that time and that era, and it was either shoot first, or be quick and accurate on the draw, or shoot in the back, beautifully written, blessings Roy
Typo : He gave (bisquit) biscuit?
Comment Written 11-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
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Thanks, Roy. You got it. I made the change on biscuit.
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Well done
Comment from Wayne Fowler
I like it.
BUT SLIM WAS EVIL FAST. - So Slim missed?
CHANGE FROM A TWO-BIT WHORE. - Not sure is 'change' is the word you want
Jack ran off with Lill?
I still like it, despite my questions.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
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I like it.
BUT SLIM WAS EVIL FAST. - So Slim missed?
CHANGE FROM A TWO-BIT WHORE. - Not sure is 'change' is the word you want
Jack ran off with Lill?
I still like it, despite my questions.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
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You've got some good questions, Wayne.
#1.Slim did not miss. He did not even shoot. Jack drew first but had a frozen hand. He could not fire his revolver. When Slim saw Jacks inability to fire his revolver. He decided to humiliate Jack before shooting him and said, "I didn't think you'd make it through this damn freezing storm. Now I'm going to kill you, you should have stayed at home."
Now, remember three people have guns in their hands. Lil, saw the dilemma and shot Slim.
#2. 'Change from a two-bit whore.'
Change is a euphemism referring to money 'change' from a transaction. in this case, the 'change' was a 40 caliber slug through the heart.
Comment from Aiona
This is a nice ballad with some clever euphemisms (ex. making "a living on her back" and "midnight friend"), and I love that it rhymes, as I feel all ballads should! I enjoy poems that rhyme more than free verse. That's just me. I found two possible typos:
1. "NOW I'M GOING TO KILL YOU JACK"
Because Jack is being addressed, there should be a comma before his name.
ex. "NOW I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, JACK."
2. "LIL FACED JACK AND BLEW HIM A KISS"
Everywhere else, her name is spelled "Lill," except here. I'm guessing you meant "Lill."
Is "Lill" short for "Little" or "Lillian" or "Lilly"?
If it's short for "Little" then the contraction should be "Li'l."
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
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This is a nice ballad with some clever euphemisms (ex. making "a living on her back" and "midnight friend"), and I love that it rhymes, as I feel all ballads should! I enjoy poems that rhyme more than free verse. That's just me. I found two possible typos:
1. "NOW I'M GOING TO KILL YOU JACK"
Because Jack is being addressed, there should be a comma before his name.
ex. "NOW I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, JACK."
2. "LIL FACED JACK AND BLEW HIM A KISS"
Everywhere else, her name is spelled "Lill," except here. I'm guessing you meant "Lill."
Is "Lill" short for "Little" or "Lillian" or "Lilly"?
If it's short for "Little" then the contraction should be "Li'l."
Comment Written 11-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
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Aiona, thank you so much for your time and advice. I made the corrections. It reads much better now. Thanks again, Yard.
Comment from Douglas Goff
A well done ballad! You laid out a whole story, beginning, middle , and end.
This part was awesome:
THE HOLE IN HIS SOUL SOUGHT REVENGE
WEIGHED DOWN WITH A BROKEN HEART,
This was a fun one to read. Good job!
D
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
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A well done ballad! You laid out a whole story, beginning, middle , and end.
This part was awesome:
THE HOLE IN HIS SOUL SOUGHT REVENGE
WEIGHED DOWN WITH A BROKEN HEART,
This was a fun one to read. Good job!
D
Comment Written 11-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
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Thank you so much, Douglas. It was a fun write and I am glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Very nicely written even if it's a western is still has the melodicity and cadence of a medieval ballad. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
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Very nicely written even if it's a western is still has the melodicity and cadence of a medieval ballad. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
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Thank you, Iza. You're right, change the guns to broadswords, the bar to a castle court yard, and Lil to a fair maiden. (;-0)
Comment from Sally Law
I sang this as I read it. This is so much fun! I really enjoyed this one, Yardier! A delight for my reviewing day. I especially liked the poetic ending:
THE MEN FOLK DIDN'T CARE THAT MUCH
ABOUT SLIM FROZEN DEAD,
BUT THEY GRUMBLED WHEN JACK RODE OFF
WITH THEIR MIDNIGHT FRIEND. :
Sending you my best today as always,
Sally :))
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
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I sang this as I read it. This is so much fun! I really enjoyed this one, Yardier! A delight for my reviewing day. I especially liked the poetic ending:
THE MEN FOLK DIDN'T CARE THAT MUCH
ABOUT SLIM FROZEN DEAD,
BUT THEY GRUMBLED WHEN JACK RODE OFF
WITH THEIR MIDNIGHT FRIEND. :
Sending you my best today as always,
Sally :))
Comment Written 11-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
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Yay! Thank you Sally!
Comment from RodG
I love western ballads and yours has a surprise twist when skinny Lil pulls out a gun and does the shooting. You are especially adept at setting the scene on a snow-filled day when Jack comes to town seeking revenge. Though your meter falters at times, I enjoyed this poetic tale. Rod
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
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I love western ballads and yours has a surprise twist when skinny Lil pulls out a gun and does the shooting. You are especially adept at setting the scene on a snow-filled day when Jack comes to town seeking revenge. Though your meter falters at times, I enjoyed this poetic tale. Rod
Comment Written 11-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
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Thank you, Rod, for your insight and review. It is much appreciated!
Comment from Mrs. KT
How I enjoy reading ballads, Yardier, and your is wonderful in terms of storyline and rhythm.
I thought of my maternal grandfather and father as I read this ballad; both would often read such works aloud to me. They would have enjoyed yours immensely.
One tiny nit:
WEIGHD (Weighed) DOWN WITH A BROKEN HEART,
Best wishes!
Thank you for sharing!
diane
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
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How I enjoy reading ballads, Yardier, and your is wonderful in terms of storyline and rhythm.
I thought of my maternal grandfather and father as I read this ballad; both would often read such works aloud to me. They would have enjoyed yours immensely.
One tiny nit:
WEIGHD (Weighed) DOWN WITH A BROKEN HEART,
Best wishes!
Thank you for sharing!
diane
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
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Thank you, Diane, for the (nit) Sometimes I read faster than I type, other times I type faster than I read. (;-)
