She
maybe some day39 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
This is unique and engaging. Extremely well paced. Extremely excellent deep POV and characterization. Superb descriptive detail. Held my attention fully.
The only reason I don't give it a six, is it has a lot of spag typos, especially related to commas and independent clauses (etc.)
Editing notes - both corrections and suggestions:
*Still(,) she fell(,) and I lost sight of her in the mists below.
*A high-pitched whine, growing louder by the second(,) and then her feathered head was in front of me;(,) her amber eyes boring into mine.
*Her bare, elegent neck,
elegant (spelling)
*I smiled(.) and she mirrored my expression.
*
A look of puzzlement flirted across her face. "Go?" she said, her voice high-pitched and quavering.
consider using ASKED instead of SAID (optional)
I'd been here 18(eighteen) months(,) and I was starting to struggle with the atmosphere.
*It was a lonely walk(,) and the twin moons were high in the sky when I reached my dwelling.
So(,) with a heavy heart, I ventured out into the beautiful dawn...
* Her eyes were closed(,) and she cooed in soft, even tones.
* She was more skittish then, unsure of my presence but every day she returned.
Consider revising to:
She was more skittish then, unsure of my presence, but she returned every day.
*Her eyes sprung open(,) and she was staring back at me.
* If I stayed(,) it would be just as bad. I'd have maybe another six months before the atmosphere destroyed my body (,)and then she'd have to watch me die.
*The whine of the engines increased(,) and I inverted the jets to perpendicular in preparation for take-off.
*They gathered power(,) and I rose into the air.
*I busied myself with the readouts and gauges,(no comma) as I altered the position of the jets, and I almost missed her.
*I manoeuvred the craft away from her(,) but she followed, coming dangerously close.
maneuvered (misspelled)
* I'd never experienced this before(,) and I knew I had to go.
* The craft lurched to the right, one engine whined(,) and I saw the plume of smoke, fire and... feathers erupt from the left hand jet(,) and I knew she was gone.
Bravo. I enjoyed reading this.
Warmly,
rd
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This is unique and engaging. Extremely well paced. Extremely excellent deep POV and characterization. Superb descriptive detail. Held my attention fully.
The only reason I don't give it a six, is it has a lot of spag typos, especially related to commas and independent clauses (etc.)
Editing notes - both corrections and suggestions:
*Still(,) she fell(,) and I lost sight of her in the mists below.
*A high-pitched whine, growing louder by the second(,) and then her feathered head was in front of me;(,) her amber eyes boring into mine.
*Her bare, elegent neck,
elegant (spelling)
*I smiled(.) and she mirrored my expression.
*
A look of puzzlement flirted across her face. "Go?" she said, her voice high-pitched and quavering.
consider using ASKED instead of SAID (optional)
I'd been here 18(eighteen) months(,) and I was starting to struggle with the atmosphere.
*It was a lonely walk(,) and the twin moons were high in the sky when I reached my dwelling.
So(,) with a heavy heart, I ventured out into the beautiful dawn...
* Her eyes were closed(,) and she cooed in soft, even tones.
* She was more skittish then, unsure of my presence but every day she returned.
Consider revising to:
She was more skittish then, unsure of my presence, but she returned every day.
*Her eyes sprung open(,) and she was staring back at me.
* If I stayed(,) it would be just as bad. I'd have maybe another six months before the atmosphere destroyed my body (,)and then she'd have to watch me die.
*The whine of the engines increased(,) and I inverted the jets to perpendicular in preparation for take-off.
*They gathered power(,) and I rose into the air.
*I busied myself with the readouts and gauges,(no comma) as I altered the position of the jets, and I almost missed her.
*I manoeuvred the craft away from her(,) but she followed, coming dangerously close.
maneuvered (misspelled)
* I'd never experienced this before(,) and I knew I had to go.
* The craft lurched to the right, one engine whined(,) and I saw the plume of smoke, fire and... feathers erupt from the left hand jet(,) and I knew she was gone.
Bravo. I enjoyed reading this.
Warmly,
rd
Comment Written 27-Oct-2023
Comment from gramalot8
Wow! I absolutely loved your story. I immediately envisioned the beauty of an Eagle as a pet... then to have it be his love interest ... oh my gosh. So imaginative and beautiful. Your expressive description of her human like qualities were exceptional!
Then he has to leave and you can feel the reality of heartbreak from this beautiful creature.
And then the tragic but romantic ending... to by chance meet again in another world, another form, another dimension! Fantastic premise! Should be a movie or tv series! Loved it!
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Wow! I absolutely loved your story. I immediately envisioned the beauty of an Eagle as a pet... then to have it be his love interest ... oh my gosh. So imaginative and beautiful. Your expressive description of her human like qualities were exceptional!
Then he has to leave and you can feel the reality of heartbreak from this beautiful creature.
And then the tragic but romantic ending... to by chance meet again in another world, another form, another dimension! Fantastic premise! Should be a movie or tv series! Loved it!
Comment Written 27-Oct-2023
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Is this a bird talking to you? A relationship between a bird and a human, in the future perhaps? It seems romantic and heartfelt. A well written fantasy story, and a little introduction might have helped me be prepared for this tale of love, love Dolly x
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Is this a bird talking to you? A relationship between a bird and a human, in the future perhaps? It seems romantic and heartfelt. A well written fantasy story, and a little introduction might have helped me be prepared for this tale of love, love Dolly x
Comment Written 27-Oct-2023
Comment from Tom Horonzy
It is a well told story that kept my interest even though I surmised it to be ... i.d.k., about two birds of a feather flocking together on an alien world .together.
You do have a way with words.
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It is a well told story that kept my interest even though I surmised it to be ... i.d.k., about two birds of a feather flocking together on an alien world .together.
You do have a way with words.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2023
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Well, I must say this is different. You had me on the edge of my chair here and I was aghast, wondering what was going on and you developed the story just slowly enough to keep me going to the end. Well done, Gareth. Nancy:)
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Well, I must say this is different. You had me on the edge of my chair here and I was aghast, wondering what was going on and you developed the story just slowly enough to keep me going to the end. Well done, Gareth. Nancy:)
Comment Written 27-Oct-2023
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing this wonderful story with us. I missed your posting. This post is a perfect example as to why I missed them. This is extremely well written. A perfect example of your talent. I hope you and your family are well and you've just been busy.
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Thank you for sharing this wonderful story with us. I missed your posting. This post is a perfect example as to why I missed them. This is extremely well written. A perfect example of your talent. I hope you and your family are well and you've just been busy.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2023
Comment from Jim Wile
Now that was really cool! Your description of "She" was just enough to let us visualize what she looked like--part bird, part woman.
I wonder if she understood what her action would do to the spacecraft and to him. He didn't seem to mind, though, even looked forward to what might come after. Good story.
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"escapement" should be "escarpment"
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Now that was really cool! Your description of "She" was just enough to let us visualize what she looked like--part bird, part woman.
I wonder if she understood what her action would do to the spacecraft and to him. He didn't seem to mind, though, even looked forward to what might come after. Good story.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"escapement" should be "escarpment"
Comment Written 27-Oct-2023
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
What a pleasure to read something so incredibly creative; set on another planet and featuring a creature that is different from anything we know on Earth, yet recognizable and so intelligent. And she is capable of such deep love. I have to imagine, because of her intelligence, that she knew what would become of her and him. Perhaps it was ill intent; perhaps she believed that it could be possible for them to meet again in a different place. Who knows?
A virtual six, which I apologize for.
The sirens drew ME out of my fugue state.
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What a pleasure to read something so incredibly creative; set on another planet and featuring a creature that is different from anything we know on Earth, yet recognizable and so intelligent. And she is capable of such deep love. I have to imagine, because of her intelligence, that she knew what would become of her and him. Perhaps it was ill intent; perhaps she believed that it could be possible for them to meet again in a different place. Who knows?
A virtual six, which I apologize for.
The sirens drew ME out of my fugue state.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2023
Comment from Iza Deleanu
wow, this story is magic, and in so many ways, a story that shows us limitations and sacrifice, the ending is an open bridge of being reborn with a different faith. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writing.
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wow, this story is magic, and in so many ways, a story that shows us limitations and sacrifice, the ending is an open bridge of being reborn with a different faith. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writing.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2023
Comment from damommy
What a wonderful story! I wish you had waited until the sixes came out again. I could feel the connection between them and how both hurt in the parting. That she would fly into the aircraft was a surprise and very sad. It reminds me of the James Patterson book where the children are experimented on, and one of is a girl with wings. Your story is masterful as always.
- sirens drew my [me] out?
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What a wonderful story! I wish you had waited until the sixes came out again. I could feel the connection between them and how both hurt in the parting. That she would fly into the aircraft was a surprise and very sad. It reminds me of the James Patterson book where the children are experimented on, and one of is a girl with wings. Your story is masterful as always.
- sirens drew my [me] out?
Comment Written 27-Oct-2023
