The Man
Little Mistakes36 total reviews
Comment from Paul Manton
Outstanding, Bruce. absolutely authentic dialogue a veritas domestic drama, centering around Robert and his unsurprisingly immature control of finances. With his mother killing herself to scrape a subsistence for them both, the loss of $100, let alone $1300 is a complete disaster!
Realistic language - nothing remotely gratuitous - if any of us had been treated that way, our language would hardly have been polite and refined! And he is obviously a class 1, 24 carat a-hole! Five months alimony owing, off his head with dope, drink, whores - using the money he owes her as selfishly as it gets! Well, let's insure his life and push him off a bridge - and make sure she gets every penny!
But that would still not help Robert in his struggle to become the man he promised to be. The core of this narrative is describing the meltdown this unfortunate teen has - with responsibilities way beyond his years, and mixed loyalties with which he is incapable of dealing - no wonder he is in total despair.
Yet he has a mom who is a saint - in spite of her considerable powers of invective. It still feels like the two of them will survive - she will sue for the alimony or the old man goes to jail - someone out there, for God's sake help these two! But together, I have a shrewd suspicion, they will survive.
Great piece, Bruce. Gritty, assured and realistic writing. Thank you.
Paul
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2023
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Outstanding, Bruce. absolutely authentic dialogue a veritas domestic drama, centering around Robert and his unsurprisingly immature control of finances. With his mother killing herself to scrape a subsistence for them both, the loss of $100, let alone $1300 is a complete disaster!
Realistic language - nothing remotely gratuitous - if any of us had been treated that way, our language would hardly have been polite and refined! And he is obviously a class 1, 24 carat a-hole! Five months alimony owing, off his head with dope, drink, whores - using the money he owes her as selfishly as it gets! Well, let's insure his life and push him off a bridge - and make sure she gets every penny!
But that would still not help Robert in his struggle to become the man he promised to be. The core of this narrative is describing the meltdown this unfortunate teen has - with responsibilities way beyond his years, and mixed loyalties with which he is incapable of dealing - no wonder he is in total despair.
Yet he has a mom who is a saint - in spite of her considerable powers of invective. It still feels like the two of them will survive - she will sue for the alimony or the old man goes to jail - someone out there, for God's sake help these two! But together, I have a shrewd suspicion, they will survive.
Great piece, Bruce. Gritty, assured and realistic writing. Thank you.
Paul
Comment Written 18-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2023
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The core of this narrative is describing the meltdown this unfortunate teen has - with responsibilities way beyond his years, and mixed loyalties with which he is incapable of dealing - no wonder he is in total despair. -- That is the key, Paul. You called it, you named it, you BINGO'd it.
Absolutely outstanding review and I cannot express my gratitude towards the time you took to draft it.
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You're welcome, Bruce.
Comment from GWHARGIS
I wish I had a six. This was one of those stories that I felt. I felt her anger and pain and I felt the kid's misery. Sometimes you have to vent. She let Robert's father have it then she realized how it was affecting her son. They take everything to heart and feel guilty for literally just being. This awesome. Gretchen
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2023
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I wish I had a six. This was one of those stories that I felt. I felt her anger and pain and I felt the kid's misery. Sometimes you have to vent. She let Robert's father have it then she realized how it was affecting her son. They take everything to heart and feel guilty for literally just being. This awesome. Gretchen
Comment Written 18-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2023
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The most important thing are the contents of reviews such as yours, Gretchen. Not the six stars but the feelings. Thank you dearly for sharing
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing very emotional story with us. It rings true for so many of the children in the school where I taught first grade. Not child should have to live like this, but it happens way too often. The mom is doing the best she can in a horrible situation.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2023
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Thank you for sharing very emotional story with us. It rings true for so many of the children in the school where I taught first grade. Not child should have to live like this, but it happens way too often. The mom is doing the best she can in a horrible situation.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2023
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Yes, she is. Thank you, Barbara.
Comment from BermyBye50
Bruce,
This is an all too common scenario you've painted with your words. A tense and realistic telling of a familiar story that plays out every day in the lives of broken families. Your story is compelling and draws the reader into the very experience being depicted with every intense emotion between the mother and son and her contempt for the boy's father masterfully told in this exceptional story.
All the best,
Eugene
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2023
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Bruce,
This is an all too common scenario you've painted with your words. A tense and realistic telling of a familiar story that plays out every day in the lives of broken families. Your story is compelling and draws the reader into the very experience being depicted with every intense emotion between the mother and son and her contempt for the boy's father masterfully told in this exceptional story.
All the best,
Eugene
Comment Written 18-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2023
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Thank you dearly, Eugene. Beautifully said. Appreciate your time to read and comment. Humbled by the six stars rating. Wishing you a great weekend ahead.
Comment from Ric Myworld
There are a whole lot of raw emotions being smacked around with a tennis racket in this story. Times when someone hopes to get their hands up fast enough to avoid a black eye. Great writing. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2023
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There are a whole lot of raw emotions being smacked around with a tennis racket in this story. Times when someone hopes to get their hands up fast enough to avoid a black eye. Great writing. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2023
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You mean the rat-a-tat-tats of raw emotions? Learning from the best. Cheers, Ric
Comment from Terry Broxson
Bruce, there is no question you have a talent for creating dramatic stories. I have a few suggestions. I think the presentation would benefit from a larger font, maybe 16. You might consider making it bold. It is easier to read and maybe a little more dramatic.
I know the mother was 32, and you used that very effectively. I wondered how old Robert was. It might give the reader a little more definition for him.
I know his hands were bloody from wrestling with each other. I thought the wrestling was a good visual, but I am not sure that would make them bloody.
Food for thought. Keep it up. Well done. Terry.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2023
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Bruce, there is no question you have a talent for creating dramatic stories. I have a few suggestions. I think the presentation would benefit from a larger font, maybe 16. You might consider making it bold. It is easier to read and maybe a little more dramatic.
I know the mother was 32, and you used that very effectively. I wondered how old Robert was. It might give the reader a little more definition for him.
I know his hands were bloody from wrestling with each other. I thought the wrestling was a good visual, but I am not sure that would make them bloody.
Food for thought. Keep it up. Well done. Terry.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2023
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Terry, I'm always excited to see your name alongside a review, which is invariably on point.
I'll take a close look at the size issue (this isn't the first time it's come up), but I absolutely won't opt for a bold font. Whenever I see it, it hurts my eyes, and I always have to suffer through the piece, which is usually produced by FS's finest.
As for the 'hands' point ? what I had in mind was a subtle indication that this isn't the first time with Robert opening up his old wounds in here. I appreciate the reminder that what's in a writer's head must be effectively and subtly transferred to paper.
Thank you dearly for taking the time to look this over and leave your feedback, which I have humbly received. Maybe, as you say, there is something in me that drafts these dramatic stories because I myself am the biggest drama queen walking the earth, LOL!
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LOL about the bold and font. On FS, you do have an older audience who will appreciate the larger size. My thinking is why make it harder on the reader? I do get your point about big font and bold.
The idea of opening old wounds is brilliant. Just figure out how to show it,
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You know what? I'm gonna shut up, stop acting like a pretentious dildo and put it on bold 16. In the end, it's not about me.
Noted on the show part. Thank you for the lesson, Terry.
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LOL! If you don't like it change it. I do the bold is a problem if you go over 16.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Great writing. Such passion.
Makes you want to jump into the story and help. Slap the ex-husband to kingdom come. Sit Robert down and calmly explain a few things.
"You are now the man of the house" is an unfair burden too many times heaped upon shoulders lacking spinal maturity to support.
Best to ya.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2023
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Great writing. Such passion.
Makes you want to jump into the story and help. Slap the ex-husband to kingdom come. Sit Robert down and calmly explain a few things.
"You are now the man of the house" is an unfair burden too many times heaped upon shoulders lacking spinal maturity to support.
Best to ya.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2023
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Thank you dearly, Wayne. Beautifully captured on the unfair burden - very true. You always have those one-liners that in only couple of words convey the strongest of messages.
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
This is very good writing but too close to some of my real life history. I can't read anymore. You do write very well, but I do not need to relive this particular story . I will keep my eye out for other writings of yours.
Karen
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2023
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This is very good writing but too close to some of my real life history. I can't read anymore. You do write very well, but I do not need to relive this particular story . I will keep my eye out for other writings of yours.
Karen
Comment Written 18-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2023
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Thanks, Karen.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
There's some good stuff in here. The deep point of view / perspective is well realised on the whole, just make sure it all stays consistent.
I made some notes as I read through.
Robert mumbled under his nose, eyes on his socks, hands fidgeting. - look closely at your descriptions. Here, for example, under the nose doesn't add anything to the sentence. Take it out and the image is perfectly intact. Adding colour to a piece is fine, but not for its own sake.
His hands were clenched tightly now. - I always look for opportunities to avoid using adverbs (they can expose weak verb choices and they are, in essence, all telling words rather than showing). You could omit tightly here as that's what clenched is. Also try to write around the usages of was/were/had/that. these are quite passive and indicative of telling. By not using them and restructuring slightly, you can make a piece read more immersive and direct.
"Robert, please tell me your Dad printed this - dad doesn't need to be capitalised here. If you use your it's not a direct addressment. If it was just Dad without your then you'd capitalise it.
"Mom, I am very sorry, I will pay you back, I will pay you back, Mom, I didn't know,"- it would be better to have this ending with a period before the closing speech marks. What follows isn't a tag and should be treated as a separate sentence.
he had promised his Mom - no need for capitalisation of mom here.
Robert didn't have the concept of what women at thirty-two should or shouldn't do or look like. - this sentence doesn't make sense in the context of what had come previously in regard to her grey hair and wrinkles. the story is told from his perspective and this becomes contradictory.
but Robert didn't move an inch nor dared to speak.- juts dare here rather than dared.
"Don't worry about it. It was a mistake. Those things happen," - period rather than a comma before the closing speech marks.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2023
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Hi there,
There's some good stuff in here. The deep point of view / perspective is well realised on the whole, just make sure it all stays consistent.
I made some notes as I read through.
Robert mumbled under his nose, eyes on his socks, hands fidgeting. - look closely at your descriptions. Here, for example, under the nose doesn't add anything to the sentence. Take it out and the image is perfectly intact. Adding colour to a piece is fine, but not for its own sake.
His hands were clenched tightly now. - I always look for opportunities to avoid using adverbs (they can expose weak verb choices and they are, in essence, all telling words rather than showing). You could omit tightly here as that's what clenched is. Also try to write around the usages of was/were/had/that. these are quite passive and indicative of telling. By not using them and restructuring slightly, you can make a piece read more immersive and direct.
"Robert, please tell me your Dad printed this - dad doesn't need to be capitalised here. If you use your it's not a direct addressment. If it was just Dad without your then you'd capitalise it.
"Mom, I am very sorry, I will pay you back, I will pay you back, Mom, I didn't know,"- it would be better to have this ending with a period before the closing speech marks. What follows isn't a tag and should be treated as a separate sentence.
he had promised his Mom - no need for capitalisation of mom here.
Robert didn't have the concept of what women at thirty-two should or shouldn't do or look like. - this sentence doesn't make sense in the context of what had come previously in regard to her grey hair and wrinkles. the story is told from his perspective and this becomes contradictory.
but Robert didn't move an inch nor dared to speak.- juts dare here rather than dared.
"Don't worry about it. It was a mistake. Those things happen," - period rather than a comma before the closing speech marks.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 18-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2023
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The amount of notes I took following this review is incomparable to how grateful I am for your feedback. Outstanding, and I thank you very much for pointing those. All I can say is that I'm grateful for people like you who take their time and point those crucial elements to the piece.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is a tense moment filled with rage at the unnecessary expense of a mistake and the aftermath that occurs is out of frustration. When bills accumulate with no control it can be exasperating. The language here is very American, love Dolly x x x
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This is a tense moment filled with rage at the unnecessary expense of a mistake and the aftermath that occurs is out of frustration. When bills accumulate with no control it can be exasperating. The language here is very American, love Dolly x x x
Comment Written 18-Aug-2023