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Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Old Lady"A Flash Fiction Collection
35 total reviews
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
Was Mildred a suspect? She sure faked her elderly status by fooling the police that it was someone else who pulled the trigger. She fooled the police because they thought she was too old to do such an evil act.
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Was Mildred a suspect? She sure faked her elderly status by fooling the police that it was someone else who pulled the trigger. She fooled the police because they thought she was too old to do such an evil act.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2023
Comment from Jasmine Girl
I'm a little confused. Is the older lady Mildred the shooter? I don't understand the following line:
Mildred pulled back the hammer. "For my Robbie."
She was racist then. Not judging.
Well done.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2023
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I'm a little confused. Is the older lady Mildred the shooter? I don't understand the following line:
Mildred pulled back the hammer. "For my Robbie."
She was racist then. Not judging.
Well done.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2023
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Yes, she is the shooter. Oh, I see.
A hammer is part of a pistol, or revolver and some semi-automatic handguns. You normally cock it or pull the hammer (little switch at the rear) with your thumb. That rotates the chamber and pulls back the firing pin. Then when you pull the trigger, that releases the firing pin, which strikes the bullet casing and fires it.
No, she wasn't racist, as far I know.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Ha ha ha, this is a unique and clever write and I enjoyed this surprising twist in the tale and you should never trust an old lady as you never know what they are capable of! Much enjoyed, entertaining and your story held my interest, love Dolly x
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Ha ha ha, this is a unique and clever write and I enjoyed this surprising twist in the tale and you should never trust an old lady as you never know what they are capable of! Much enjoyed, entertaining and your story held my interest, love Dolly x
Comment Written 26-Mar-2023
Comment from jmdg1954
Oh boy, where to go with this. I saw your question on the "thread" for the limited qualifications to the contest.
I did agree with your concerns, but then I simply took the contest for what it was. You had every right to question it as you did. To dispel the reviewer in question, you put up and shut him/her up.
Your story in how Mildred took revenge on the police or the actual officers who gunned down her Robbie has all the components needed. Well done!
One comment it thought was confusing-
Mildred pulled back the hammer. "For my Robbie."
Possibly - "This is for my Robbie."
Overall, well executed (haha),
John
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Oh boy, where to go with this. I saw your question on the "thread" for the limited qualifications to the contest.
I did agree with your concerns, but then I simply took the contest for what it was. You had every right to question it as you did. To dispel the reviewer in question, you put up and shut him/her up.
Your story in how Mildred took revenge on the police or the actual officers who gunned down her Robbie has all the components needed. Well done!
One comment it thought was confusing-
Mildred pulled back the hammer. "For my Robbie."
Possibly - "This is for my Robbie."
Overall, well executed (haha),
John
Comment Written 26-Mar-2023
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for posting this Flash Fiction example with us. I think you did a great job of showing. I hope the person this is intended for reads. I missed you last week. I hope you were only busy and nothing more serious.
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Thank you for posting this Flash Fiction example with us. I think you did a great job of showing. I hope the person this is intended for reads. I missed you last week. I hope you were only busy and nothing more serious.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2023
Comment from humpwhistle
Ah, the walker as a get out of jail free card! Who suspects a little old lady?
You have Jackson kicking in the door of the apartment building. He finds the old lady in the hall? This isn't clear. Then, she points to (an apartment?) door. He sees something that causes him to cry, 'Oh, God.'
What did he see?
Lance, you have 125 words left. I think you can improve the story by using some of those words to explain. Just one man's opinion.
Peace, Lee
Two gunshots echoed in the courtyard.--Lance, did you ever explain what those shots were about?
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2023
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Ah, the walker as a get out of jail free card! Who suspects a little old lady?
You have Jackson kicking in the door of the apartment building. He finds the old lady in the hall? This isn't clear. Then, she points to (an apartment?) door. He sees something that causes him to cry, 'Oh, God.'
What did he see?
Lance, you have 125 words left. I think you can improve the story by using some of those words to explain. Just one man's opinion.
Peace, Lee
Two gunshots echoed in the courtyard.--Lance, did you ever explain what those shots were about?
Comment Written 26-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2023
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You are very right. I can make those things clearer with a few more words. Thank you.
The two initial gunshots... I don't know. Maybe, she aimed at the two cops and missed. She is old. Or maybe, it was to get their attention. I'm not sure.
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Lance, I was thinking the old lady might have actually killed an intruder with those first two shots. Jackson found the body. That might explain why he said, 'Oh God' just before the old lady scrambled his eggs. Or, you alluded to some revenge scenario involving Randy, was it? Anyway, the body Jackson found might be the rat who turned on Randy. A complicated scenario, but the best Flash leaves no loose ends. I hope this helps, Lance.
Comment from Brandon Clark
Executed excellently, no pun intended...intentionally any way. It clearly has a beginning, middle and end - with a few twists in each - and is very vivid due to "nail-on-the-head" word choice which is an essential part of a successful, concise, and clear flash piece.
I'm certainly no expert as I never wrote flash fiction before joining FS but have been fortunate to have so many helping me to recognize those factors and avoid the most common trappings that can quickly tank a good flash fiction work.
As a suggestion to others I would say possibly look at old newspapers - online, more than likely - and see how journalists tell a new story in very concise restraints...obviously not a major headline though. Also to condense conjunctions or eliminate with better word choice.
I really liked this and did not expect what happened at all...nice work!
Brandon
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Executed excellently, no pun intended...intentionally any way. It clearly has a beginning, middle and end - with a few twists in each - and is very vivid due to "nail-on-the-head" word choice which is an essential part of a successful, concise, and clear flash piece.
I'm certainly no expert as I never wrote flash fiction before joining FS but have been fortunate to have so many helping me to recognize those factors and avoid the most common trappings that can quickly tank a good flash fiction work.
As a suggestion to others I would say possibly look at old newspapers - online, more than likely - and see how journalists tell a new story in very concise restraints...obviously not a major headline though. Also to condense conjunctions or eliminate with better word choice.
I really liked this and did not expect what happened at all...nice work!
Brandon
Comment Written 26-Mar-2023
Comment from Ulla
I did enjoy it and this is indeed your answer. This is how it should be and how it once was on this site. Let's all make an effort to reached those standards again.
I loved the story. Very well written and thought out. Ulla:)))
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I did enjoy it and this is indeed your answer. This is how it should be and how it once was on this site. Let's all make an effort to reached those standards again.
I loved the story. Very well written and thought out. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 26-Mar-2023
Comment from jessizero
This story was intense and captivating. It grabbed my attention from the start and held it to the end. Thank you for sharing this story, and best wishes to you.
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This story was intense and captivating. It grabbed my attention from the start and held it to the end. Thank you for sharing this story, and best wishes to you.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2023
Comment from patcelaw
This is a very interesting and well written story that you have penned. I do wish you the very best with all of your writing. Have a good day and may God bless you richly. Patricia.
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This is a very interesting and well written story that you have penned. I do wish you the very best with all of your writing. Have a good day and may God bless you richly. Patricia.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2023