Ghost
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Chrysalis"Biography/Supernatural
32 total reviews
Comment from prettybluebirds
I'm sure you meant to write (there) were mommies different from my own, not (they). (Came) the day, not (come). (relegations) should be (regulations). Comma after baby. Comma before which ( a non-essential clause. Comma between after molest me. Two independent clauses require a comma. Your story is so sad. I could feel your pain in every word. It should do well in the contest. Again, I say it is a story that needs to be told.
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2023
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I'm sure you meant to write (there) were mommies different from my own, not (they). (Came) the day, not (come). (relegations) should be (regulations). Comma after baby. Comma before which ( a non-essential clause. Comma between after molest me. Two independent clauses require a comma. Your story is so sad. I could feel your pain in every word. It should do well in the contest. Again, I say it is a story that needs to be told.
Comment Written 06-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2023
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Thank you again so much for stopping and then reading it means so to me and I've made the corrections you have suggested. And all of this kind of advice is always welcome so thank you. I also thank you again for your compassion for your heart and well-meaning comments. I very much appreciate it so much! The support I've received is wonderful, especially from people like yourself. Thank you so much again, have a great night!
Comment from royowen
It upsets me profoundly to think that parents think they have any right to abuse the precious life that is unfathomably valuable. That is given to them to be stewards of this little life's future. So by providing anything less than love, nurture and protection is a travesty, sheesh, when my first born was brought into the world, the gravity and fright of this privilege overcame me, but the wonder and the love for this perfect little soul was equally overwhelming, you know how I feel about your deeply moving bio, beautifully written, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2023
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It upsets me profoundly to think that parents think they have any right to abuse the precious life that is unfathomably valuable. That is given to them to be stewards of this little life's future. So by providing anything less than love, nurture and protection is a travesty, sheesh, when my first born was brought into the world, the gravity and fright of this privilege overcame me, but the wonder and the love for this perfect little soul was equally overwhelming, you know how I feel about your deeply moving bio, beautifully written, blessings Roy
Comment Written 06-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2023
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I thank you so much for I really do. I'm touched and blessed to have your support. Thank you for your fine rating and you're always insightful review! Chat again soon and thanks!
Comment from Julie Lau
Lea, the power in your writing deserves a six, but there are a few too many errors in your writing to be fixed up. Too many for me to list, I'm afraid. Try reading it aloud to someone, then they may jump out. Works for me. The horror of your childhood saddens me. You are incredibly brave. Well done. Julie L
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2023
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Lea, the power in your writing deserves a six, but there are a few too many errors in your writing to be fixed up. Too many for me to list, I'm afraid. Try reading it aloud to someone, then they may jump out. Works for me. The horror of your childhood saddens me. You are incredibly brave. Well done. Julie L
Comment Written 21-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2023
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Thank you so much for your kind review. I appreciate your comments and your insight. Thank you, i will loon at this again.
Have a great day!
Comment from Maria Millsaps
This story is so heartbreaking. The despair, confusion, and neglect come through in living vivid colors. As you said, writing this story is like peeling onions and onions make you cry when you peel them.
Here are some minor errors that can easily be corrected:
She was always in a hurrying (hurry). But I was used to that not knowing that there was something different or that they're were mommys different than my own.
I reluctantly settle for what is on the showing on the channel I did gave (get).
I found your story compelling. There are hundreds of children that live through these horrible experiences, and I am just sad that not more is done to prevent child abuse.
I encourage you to continue writing, for it is in the telling that healing comes through.
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2023
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This story is so heartbreaking. The despair, confusion, and neglect come through in living vivid colors. As you said, writing this story is like peeling onions and onions make you cry when you peel them.
Here are some minor errors that can easily be corrected:
She was always in a hurrying (hurry). But I was used to that not knowing that there was something different or that they're were mommys different than my own.
I reluctantly settle for what is on the showing on the channel I did gave (get).
I found your story compelling. There are hundreds of children that live through these horrible experiences, and I am just sad that not more is done to prevent child abuse.
I encourage you to continue writing, for it is in the telling that healing comes through.
Comment Written 19-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2023
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Thank you Maria for your kind review and for your nice comments and the area's for corrections all very helpful and welcomed by me!
This story is part of a book called ghost and autobiography feel free to read. You don't need to review if you like you are welcome. Hope you have a great night and thanks again!
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You are welcome
Comment from JSD
Oh Lea, this is heart-breaking. Well done for having the strength to share it. Rather than dwell on the horrors I find myself just hoping and praying that all is good with you now and you can find solace in writing and in your talent. All best wishes. John
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2023
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Oh Lea, this is heart-breaking. Well done for having the strength to share it. Rather than dwell on the horrors I find myself just hoping and praying that all is good with you now and you can find solace in writing and in your talent. All best wishes. John
Comment Written 15-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2023
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Thank you John for your kindness and insight. I left my family at the age of 14. I've been in and out. I'm 58 now. Although they occasionally strike out and sometimes succeed, I must maintain my distance. My sister unfortunately has become what she lived...an abuser. I will continue to write it our chapter by chapter. There is no real happy ending. Only changes. Thank you again John hope your day is grand!
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Oh Lea, this is heartbreaking and difficult to read as I hate to think a child is being treated like this. Your memory is vivid because the pain you suffered, how very sad. It is good that you are writing about his as it opens up the wound you have carried within and hopefully sharing your story will help you move on. Your words here bring a tear, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2023
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Oh Lea, this is heartbreaking and difficult to read as I hate to think a child is being treated like this. Your memory is vivid because the pain you suffered, how very sad. It is good that you are writing about his as it opens up the wound you have carried within and hopefully sharing your story will help you move on. Your words here bring a tear, love Dolly x
Comment Written 14-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2023
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Thank you Dolly for your kind words. I am the memory of the family my sister remembers almost nothing. We eat dealing in our own ways I suppose. Yes writing helps but I find I have to take breaths in between...Ive written a few. Violence and the emotional trauma continues and escalates unfortunately intil i was gone at 14. It was a long struggle from that point finishing school studying for a career. A baby. I was 1200 klm away from the family for a decade as it needed to be. However although was horrific I have gained so much knowledge as a result of what not to do. I went to a career college learned multiple counseling and self help techniques. It is still difficult to write though dread up all those old things I tried to put away. However thank you for your kind words thank you for your empathy and for your insight. Just belong to yourself I thank you!
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It is hard putting these memories to bed, but your courage will shine through and you must not let those who abused you win by spoiling the rest of your life, love Dolly x
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Lea, this reads well with honesty, even humour and heart-breaking detail but you do need to check it over as there are numerous albeit small errors in the text. Your story is structured well and from the start we know we're in for a bumpy ride which you skilfully develop. It's a story that leaves the reader angry and uncomprehending of adults who behave in this way and refuse to listen when their children try to confide. I don't know the requirements of this contest but wish you luck. Debbie
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2023
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Lea, this reads well with honesty, even humour and heart-breaking detail but you do need to check it over as there are numerous albeit small errors in the text. Your story is structured well and from the start we know we're in for a bumpy ride which you skilfully develop. It's a story that leaves the reader angry and uncomprehending of adults who behave in this way and refuse to listen when their children try to confide. I don't know the requirements of this contest but wish you luck. Debbie
Comment Written 07-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2023
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Thank you I'm gonna go through it again. I keep trying to use a spell and grammar check on this program but some reason doesn't make the changes perhaps I'm doing wrong. What are we going to do when we're processor see was shaken in the meantime? However I really do appreciate your comments and I thank you for your point of these things up to me there are important that's for sure. Your insight is always as amazing and your honesty inspiring? Thank you so much again have a great day!
Comment from Melodie Michelle
Excellent entry for the A First Book Chapter contest and best of wishes in the contest my friend! The storyline captivated my attention throughout the entire piece!
Thank you for sharing and many blessings to you and your family!
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2023
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Excellent entry for the A First Book Chapter contest and best of wishes in the contest my friend! The storyline captivated my attention throughout the entire piece!
Thank you for sharing and many blessings to you and your family!
Comment Written 07-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2023
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Thank you again Melodie! Your kind words and review are special to me thank you very much! I hope you have the best of days!
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;-)
Comment from Liz O'Neill
This line will draw the reader in: "It's a fine line between what is believable and what is not but, that line is different for everyone." The reader is leaning forward with this announcement: " It's better that way because even to me, as I think back to the beginning, even I find it hard to believe. " This is very powerful. I began writing my autobiography 20+ years ago. It is the next project after Bea 3 is complete. I cried alot writing it & will, I'm sure, cry more. But I also found it healing. I hope you've found this painful act healing in some way. I will get to the other chapters.
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2023
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This line will draw the reader in: "It's a fine line between what is believable and what is not but, that line is different for everyone." The reader is leaning forward with this announcement: " It's better that way because even to me, as I think back to the beginning, even I find it hard to believe. " This is very powerful. I began writing my autobiography 20+ years ago. It is the next project after Bea 3 is complete. I cried alot writing it & will, I'm sure, cry more. But I also found it healing. I hope you've found this painful act healing in some way. I will get to the other chapters.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2023
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I've got a few chapters in now already. I didn't think it would be so hard but I guess when you're dread up all those old feelings. They're in your face and must be dealt with. I believe when it is done. I will feel like a way this was lifted from me all my life. I've dealt with the family who never believe me or anything. Now it does not matter whether they believe or not the truth is in my head and coming out the end of my pen that is the recourse left to. Me that is the one I shall take. Your insight is amazing and completely appreciated! I thank you for your very fine review. I hope you have a wonderful and great day you're the best!
Comment from karenina
First things first. This is 782 words. The contest guidelines state it must be 2,000 words minimum. While this is a great start...to remain in contention in this contest you'll have to add 1,218 more words. (More than double what you have here!)
You mention "it's only the top of the iceberg" --and so I say, go back! Give us more! Whatever you were "saving" for chapter two needs to be here, for sure.
(Not to worry, I'd like to think many of us have missed the fine print guidelines and have had to go back and cut down, or beef up our work!)
I'd suggest sketching an outline for yourself...what MORE can you reveal here to engage us? Involve our senses. Was the sunlight bright and warm? Did the cold water elicit goose bumps and send a chill? Did your mother cry, scream howl when she awakened to that "butchered" haircut?
The more you engage our senses, the more we will enter into your world...and you'll hook us...and we'll want to read on!
Cut and paste this into WORD (or whatever writing program you have)---and check the word count. Then consider carefully. What, here, is "filler?" What comes to mind that you now realize you could, and should, and must share with us?
It's a process. I don't think I have a single "finished' work. Everything can be improved!
Trust you instincts...but give them more substance...
Can't wait to read what you 2,000 word first chapter has to offer!
****Addendum to review: Lea has gone back and reworked this chapter to meet the word count requirement. The additional information elicits a very real emotional response. What a tragedy for a young girl!
Karenina
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2023
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First things first. This is 782 words. The contest guidelines state it must be 2,000 words minimum. While this is a great start...to remain in contention in this contest you'll have to add 1,218 more words. (More than double what you have here!)
You mention "it's only the top of the iceberg" --and so I say, go back! Give us more! Whatever you were "saving" for chapter two needs to be here, for sure.
(Not to worry, I'd like to think many of us have missed the fine print guidelines and have had to go back and cut down, or beef up our work!)
I'd suggest sketching an outline for yourself...what MORE can you reveal here to engage us? Involve our senses. Was the sunlight bright and warm? Did the cold water elicit goose bumps and send a chill? Did your mother cry, scream howl when she awakened to that "butchered" haircut?
The more you engage our senses, the more we will enter into your world...and you'll hook us...and we'll want to read on!
Cut and paste this into WORD (or whatever writing program you have)---and check the word count. Then consider carefully. What, here, is "filler?" What comes to mind that you now realize you could, and should, and must share with us?
It's a process. I don't think I have a single "finished' work. Everything can be improved!
Trust you instincts...but give them more substance...
Can't wait to read what you 2,000 word first chapter has to offer!
****Addendum to review: Lea has gone back and reworked this chapter to meet the word count requirement. The additional information elicits a very real emotional response. What a tragedy for a young girl!
Karenina
Comment Written 10-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2023
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Thank you so much i'm totally going to do that no what you know when it's complete! Oh they're stepped at all right we'll find it Somewhat disturbing more than likely but understandable same time but yes Thank you for that i'm going to do right now!
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Take your time... Have some fun with it! (Your words are the paint on your pallette....enjoy the process!)