Respite
An Eye For An Eye34 total reviews
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
That is a beautiful picture. It goes nicely with your well-written story which leads inevitably to the correct ending even if the girl's father helped the devastated young man commit a crime, he may never be able to forget.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
  |
That is a beautiful picture. It goes nicely with your well-written story which leads inevitably to the correct ending even if the girl's father helped the devastated young man commit a crime, he may never be able to forget.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
-
Hi, Carol, thank you for reading, your in-depth comments, and all the stars! The idea for this story came from a case I worked many years ago. Cheers, irish
Comment from Mario PIERRE
I think the writing is good. The grammar, words choices are excellent. The style is also interesting, as the story starts 'in medias res' and slowly develops and allows the reader in to understand gradually what the premise is about. I am an avid short story writer too, although I primarily write in french, I found this site 6 months ago and it helps me explore different avenues. What I like about short stories is the economy of words to describe abundant stuff, and you succeded here. The only thing I would like is a certain sense of, not necessarily suspense, but a remarkable twist at the end. Here, the line: "the scum bag will be in A2-103. He ate all the shit we gave him for supper, so he will be out." already gives away the clue as to what is going on next. I would suggest eliminating it, together with a reworking of that paragraph, and let the last line from the newspaper announcing the 'apparent suicide' be the shocking twist.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
|
I think the writing is good. The grammar, words choices are excellent. The style is also interesting, as the story starts 'in medias res' and slowly develops and allows the reader in to understand gradually what the premise is about. I am an avid short story writer too, although I primarily write in french, I found this site 6 months ago and it helps me explore different avenues. What I like about short stories is the economy of words to describe abundant stuff, and you succeded here. The only thing I would like is a certain sense of, not necessarily suspense, but a remarkable twist at the end. Here, the line: "the scum bag will be in A2-103. He ate all the shit we gave him for supper, so he will be out." already gives away the clue as to what is going on next. I would suggest eliminating it, together with a reworking of that paragraph, and let the last line from the newspaper announcing the 'apparent suicide' be the shocking twist.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
-
Hi, Mario! Thank you for reading, and all the stars! I appreciate your in-depth comments, and I think your suggestion for the changes are excellent, I can see where the story will be more interesting and have a greater impact.
I don't read French, but will look at your postings here on FS.
irish
Comment from MissMerri
I always enjoy your stories, Irish. You write with such luminous detail, making your stories shine like truth. I was really caught up in this story, feeling such sadness for the young man who lost his love to a wretched criminal who should have been behind bars. I can only imagine how horrible that would be. You have some very creative twists in this that I found fascinating, such as the real father of Alicia. It seemed to make clear his motivation in wanting the perpetrator killed. Your inside knowledge of prison workings really adds authenticity to your crime stories. I think you might want to do more of these. This was so well done, on many levels. The Irish know how to tell tales, don't they? Keep it up! MM
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
 |
I always enjoy your stories, Irish. You write with such luminous detail, making your stories shine like truth. I was really caught up in this story, feeling such sadness for the young man who lost his love to a wretched criminal who should have been behind bars. I can only imagine how horrible that would be. You have some very creative twists in this that I found fascinating, such as the real father of Alicia. It seemed to make clear his motivation in wanting the perpetrator killed. Your inside knowledge of prison workings really adds authenticity to your crime stories. I think you might want to do more of these. This was so well done, on many levels. The Irish know how to tell tales, don't they? Keep it up! MM
Comment Written 08-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
-
Thank you so much! I feel humbled, receiving such a penetrating review. This story was from an actual case I worked on while serving on the Sparks, Nevada police force. I did change some things, and the names, of course.
Started this story last September, then worked on it off and on (that's me) until I finally posted.
Thank you for all the stars!
irish
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
Wow! This was quite good. I was totally absorbed from beginning to end. I wonder what Carl knew - she was pregnant or what the narrator was going to do. This is believable from all angles.
Congratulations on a great write.
Pam
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
|
Wow! This was quite good. I was totally absorbed from beginning to end. I wonder what Carl knew - she was pregnant or what the narrator was going to do. This is believable from all angles.
Congratulations on a great write.
Pam
Comment Written 08-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
-
Wow, Thank you, Pam! I am humbled. Carl knew she was pregnant. I tried to pass off the narrator as a possible suspect. Worked law enforcement for 30+ years, this story was from an actual case.
Thanks again,
irish
Comment from Liz O'Neill
Is this metaphor a foreshadowing? Great choice of words: "music bleeding through the closed doors." Your strong simile will draw the reader in. Also the curiosity of what's going on: "The shiny, new wedding rings in my pants pocket were jabbing my leg." & "Did he know?" & "Will Stoddard, our county coroner, stared at me as he walked by. He knew." Nice acknowledgement of Natural Resources for Sexual Assault Survivors (RAINN), a valuable resource for survivors. This is worthy of A+
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
|
Is this metaphor a foreshadowing? Great choice of words: "music bleeding through the closed doors." Your strong simile will draw the reader in. Also the curiosity of what's going on: "The shiny, new wedding rings in my pants pocket were jabbing my leg." & "Did he know?" & "Will Stoddard, our county coroner, stared at me as he walked by. He knew." Nice acknowledgement of Natural Resources for Sexual Assault Survivors (RAINN), a valuable resource for survivors. This is worthy of A+
Comment Written 08-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
-
Wow, I am humbled! Thank you, Liz, for reading, your great comments, and that galaxy of stars! I did try to foreshadow, and to create a little mystery,, I can tell you are a pretty accomplished writer, I will read you.
irish
-
A humble writer grateful for the spidies who are my muses.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Your scenario was riveting, Irish. Your words were so well-thought
out, it seemed this was real, though you mentioned fiction in the
category listing and notes. Your entry was well-organized with great,
but sad, details. You made readers feel as if they were in the church
during the service. It's sad to think something like this could possibly
happen.
Thanks for sharing and best wishes in the contest, Jan
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2023
|
Your scenario was riveting, Irish. Your words were so well-thought
out, it seemed this was real, though you mentioned fiction in the
category listing and notes. Your entry was well-organized with great,
but sad, details. You made readers feel as if they were in the church
during the service. It's sad to think something like this could possibly
happen.
Thanks for sharing and best wishes in the contest, Jan
Comment Written 08-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2023
-
Thank you, Jan! I appreciate your in-depth comments, and all the stars! High praise, coming from someone whose work I admire!
irish
-
😊🐈⬛
Comment from humpwhistle
Powerful stuff, my friend. Justice is a slippery creature. Sometimes it needs to find help in order to stick.
I like the mystery you begin with. Was it him? Then you drop a subtle clue about the baby. You have a light, deft touch that doesn't give away too much at any one time.
Irish, I made a few notes as I read. I see you promoted this high, so I took extra care to help where I could.
Strong stuff, irish.
Peace, Lee
From outside the church, the organ music bled through the closed doors.--I'm pretty sure the music bled from 'inside' the church.
Inside the church the organ music was louder, droning on like an insomnia remedy. The cloying fragrance of the wreaths surrounding the casket was suffocating.--Love this bit of olfactory ambience. Too many writers ignore
the nose.
his fist softly pounded up and down--can one 'softly pound?'
Maybe so other gesture?
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2023
|
Powerful stuff, my friend. Justice is a slippery creature. Sometimes it needs to find help in order to stick.
I like the mystery you begin with. Was it him? Then you drop a subtle clue about the baby. You have a light, deft touch that doesn't give away too much at any one time.
Irish, I made a few notes as I read. I see you promoted this high, so I took extra care to help where I could.
Strong stuff, irish.
Peace, Lee
From outside the church, the organ music bled through the closed doors.--I'm pretty sure the music bled from 'inside' the church.
Inside the church the organ music was louder, droning on like an insomnia remedy. The cloying fragrance of the wreaths surrounding the casket was suffocating.--Love this bit of olfactory ambience. Too many writers ignore
the nose.
his fist softly pounded up and down--can one 'softly pound?'
Maybe so other gesture?
Comment Written 08-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2023
-
Thank you, my Friend! I need and appreciate all the help I can get!
Thank you for all the stars!
I made the changes you suggested, and the descriptions now make more sense.
Cheers,
Cal-
Comment from Mary Shifman
This is an interesting post that hooks the reader immediately and carries through the rest of the story. I am saddened for the narrator and Alicia and her family and have some mixed feelings regarding the ending. One side is appalled by the vigilante justice and another says Fisker got what he deserved. It is a well told story.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2023
|
This is an interesting post that hooks the reader immediately and carries through the rest of the story. I am saddened for the narrator and Alicia and her family and have some mixed feelings regarding the ending. One side is appalled by the vigilante justice and another says Fisker got what he deserved. It is a well told story.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2023
-
Thank you, Mary, for reading, your in-depth comments, and all the stars. I was employed in law enforcement for over 30 years, and this story was based on an actual case. And you are right, there is a thin line there.
Cheers, irish
-
You are welcome. I look forward to your next post.
Comment from Tom Horonzy
Ouch. This piece is awfully dark but what else could such a tragedy be? ......................................................................................................................................................................
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2023
|
Ouch. This piece is awfully dark but what else could such a tragedy be? ......................................................................................................................................................................
Comment Written 08-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2023
-
Hi, Tom. Thanks for reading, and the stars. Yeah, and I kind of took a long time looking at this before I finished it. Started on this in September. I worked in law enforcement for over 30 years, this story was based on an actual case.
irish
Comment from jessizero
This story was excellent. You captured my attention at the beginning and kept it until the end. I am glad the man got what he deserved. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2023
|
This story was excellent. You captured my attention at the beginning and kept it until the end. I am glad the man got what he deserved. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2023
-
Hi, Jessi, thank you for reading and that galaxy of stars! I am getting mixed reviews because of the vigilante justice, but the story was based on an actual case that occurred during my 30 years in law enforcement.
irish
