The sperm donor, Leslie's story
Part II of IV26 total reviews
Comment from GARY MACLEAN
So, you can make money donating sperm, and apparently, a lot of it.
Several considerations:
Para 3, 3rd sentence: Add comma after (Kenyon)
Para 5, 1st sentence: SUGGEST change (believe it. But,) to (believe it, but)
Para 9: (Tracy) should be (Tracey) according to previous mentions.
Para 11: 4th sentence: (Tracy) should be (Tracey)
Para 13, 2nd sentence: (ten million dollar) should be (ten-million-dollar) add hyphens.
Para 18: (Umm, Do you) should be (Umm, do you) extra space between (Umm) and (Do) plus (Do) should not be capitalized.
Para 19: Add comma after (What for)
Para 36: Add comma after (family)
Para 41: Remove comma between (you) and (but)
Para 41: (Porche) should be (Porsche)
Last Para, 1st sentence: Change (got) to (have)
Oh ho, so the Lawyer is really the millionaire donor. Pretty sneaky. Good story, I will have to look up part 1, I have to know who Betty is. Now I anxiously await part 111
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2022
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So, you can make money donating sperm, and apparently, a lot of it.
Several considerations:
Para 3, 3rd sentence: Add comma after (Kenyon)
Para 5, 1st sentence: SUGGEST change (believe it. But,) to (believe it, but)
Para 9: (Tracy) should be (Tracey) according to previous mentions.
Para 11: 4th sentence: (Tracy) should be (Tracey)
Para 13, 2nd sentence: (ten million dollar) should be (ten-million-dollar) add hyphens.
Para 18: (Umm, Do you) should be (Umm, do you) extra space between (Umm) and (Do) plus (Do) should not be capitalized.
Para 19: Add comma after (What for)
Para 36: Add comma after (family)
Para 41: Remove comma between (you) and (but)
Para 41: (Porche) should be (Porsche)
Last Para, 1st sentence: Change (got) to (have)
Oh ho, so the Lawyer is really the millionaire donor. Pretty sneaky. Good story, I will have to look up part 1, I have to know who Betty is. Now I anxiously await part 111
Comment Written 01-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2022
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Gary, thank you for all the edits.I have made all the changes you suggest. I can not tell you how many times I have checked it, changed it, and used a software program to edit it. But I can not see those problems.
I think I can tell a story. But I can not edit it. It is very frustrating. Thank you. Terry.
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And I don't understand why I seem to see every single little thing. It gets me in trouble sometimes, but I have to review.
I'll go back and check it out and probably raise my rating.
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Where do I send the check?
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Excellent. I just upgraded my rating to a five-star. But Para 9 still shows Tracy instead of Tracey.
Thanks for taking suggestions into consideration. Some people have gotten rather upset when I write such a detailed review. I am only doing it because I think it could improve the article. Besides I think that is the reviewer's responsibility.
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Oops! got it. Thank you! Terry.
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My screen shows it was changed, I am not sure why yours wasn't, but maybe it is the time difference. Thanks.
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Thas weird. My screen still shows "Tracy" It's the 11th paragraph, the one that starts out with...
"Time Magazine and Texas Monthly
No big deal but there's no sense in letting someone else find it and gig you.
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Thanks, Gary, I got it. I had corrected the ninth paragraph and not the eleventh. That is what I get for her name an e. Terry.
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LOL., __it happens. Looks great now. Still a great story.
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Gary, thanks.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
You have got the hang of a serial story admirably. Pace is excellent, as is revealing motivation. It feels very comfortable except please consider (personal observation from experience): in dialogue, contractions e.g. I 'll instead of I will come across as less stilted. Kate xx
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2022
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You have got the hang of a serial story admirably. Pace is excellent, as is revealing motivation. It feels very comfortable except please consider (personal observation from experience): in dialogue, contractions e.g. I 'll instead of I will come across as less stilted. Kate xx
Comment Written 01-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2022
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Kate, thank you for reading and your review, I agree with you on the dialogue I do try to use contractions in most places, I will take a look again, Terry.
Comment from jessizero
I enjoyed this follow-up to the last piece. I had wondered what would have happened next. I look forward to seeing what happens after this. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2022
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I enjoyed this follow-up to the last piece. I had wondered what would have happened next. I look forward to seeing what happens after this. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2022
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Jessi, thank you for reading, the III part comes out on Wednesday, and the final Sunday. Terry.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I love this story, and I'm glad the two other girls had some of the money. It would have caused a lot of trouble had it all gone to the one child. Now Sam knows the problems it could have caused, he will be wiser next time. But now I want to know his story, why he's doing this considering he did get married. Didn't he have children himself? After his sperm had helped three families, he must be able to have them. This is excellent, and I'm really pleased you are carrying on with it. I look forward to the next one. :)) Sandra xxx
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reply by the author on 01-Aug-2022
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I love this story, and I'm glad the two other girls had some of the money. It would have caused a lot of trouble had it all gone to the one child. Now Sam knows the problems it could have caused, he will be wiser next time. But now I want to know his story, why he's doing this considering he did get married. Didn't he have children himself? After his sperm had helped three families, he must be able to have them. This is excellent, and I'm really pleased you are carrying on with it. I look forward to the next one. :)) Sandra xxx
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2022
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Sandra, Thank you for your review. I admit I am envious of your ability to write novels. This is my first attempt at fiction any longer than a hundred words, so your words are important to me. Thank you.Terry.
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I started in the same way as you. A short story for a contest on here. Having only ever written children's poetry before. Then the novelists on here took me under their wings and guided me. Now I'm addicted to writing novels. I love the story you are writing, it will make a fabulous book because it happens! There are thousands of sperm donor, and many must wonder if it was used. I'm sure you could have a huge following. Go for it, all the way!!
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LOL, I think I will stay at the short story level. I am too old to chase a book. Thank you, Terry.
Comment from Shirley McLain
What a great story, and I want to read more. I am more than curious about the outcome of this sperm donation. You did a great job as always. Shirley
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2022
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What a great story, and I want to read more. I am more than curious about the outcome of this sperm donation. You did a great job as always. Shirley
Comment Written 01-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2022
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Shirley, thank you for the six stars!!! And for your kind review. Part III is coming Wednesday and IV, most likely Sunday. Thank you, Terry.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I'm not sure I like the idea of going back and rearranging the money. That seemed a little selfish to me. Oh well, I guess it makes sense. The rest of the family would be left out. I enjoyed reading and thank you for sharing.
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reply by the author on 01-Aug-2022
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I'm not sure I like the idea of going back and rearranging the money. That seemed a little selfish to me. Oh well, I guess it makes sense. The rest of the family would be left out. I enjoyed reading and thank you for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2022
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Barbara, Thank you for your review. Since this is my first shot at a longer fiction, a writer of your ability opinion is appreciated. Terry.