Comment from joann r romei

Excellent

Hello, and I did enjoy this, it was a lengthy chapter with plenty of information and gory descriptions, the title is very fitting for the story. No errors noted.

 Comment Written 13-May-2022

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reply by the author on 14-May-2022

Thank you, Joann. I'm really glad you liked it.

Comment from John Ciarmello

Excellent

This is a great story! I enjoyed the read and smiled at the quirky comparisons throughout. It kept my attention. Great job! I'd love to see more. Best, JohnC

 Comment Written 13-May-2022

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reply by the author on 13-May-2022

Many thanks, John, and I'm thrilled you enjoyed it. Once the contest is done, I'll put it into book form and post the next part with my name actually visible!

Comment from Rosita Smedvik

Exceptional

Hi. I loved this whole piece. The mystery, the murder, the funny, all wrapped together so nicely. It read like it was a published work. A little in awe over here. I look forward to reading more in the future.

 Comment Written 13-May-2022

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reply by the author on 13-May-2022

Thanks so much, Rosie! I'm so happy you enjoyed the chapter and I'm busy polishing the next part ready for when I can post it in an actual book format. Your review has made my evening :-)

Comment from irishauthorme

Excellent

This is great, gutsy writing. Fantasy with a good touch of reality. Humorous similes abound, pulling me right into the story.
Good start on the characters, I know they will flesh out more as the story progresses. Good, if gruesome crime scene, complete with smells that would knock a buzzard off a maggot heap.
Please leave me your moniker so I can follow up on this story.
Thanks, irish

 Comment Written 13-May-2022

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reply by the author on 13-May-2022

Thanks so much, Irish. As soon as the contest is done, I'll get this into book format and enjoy actually putting my name against it :-)

Comment from GARY MACLEAN

Excellent

What a tale. I did indeed enjoy the read; particularly the liberties you took with the language, writing it as you imagined they would have spoken it. I collected a few notes and observations along the way but they are so minor compared to your achievement I am half ashamed to point them out. However, as a reviewer I will anyway.

1st sentence: Are you using UK English? The spelling of 'odour' and 'armour' suggests you might.

Para 2: Add a comma between 'insect' and 'but'

Para 21: 'right side' should be right-side' minor but I gotta find something in this fabulous tale.

Para 23: Add a comma after 'cheap'

Para 30: Remove the comma between 'real' and 'and'

Para 31: Is 'prised' a story specific word or a misspelling of some other term?

Para 39: Should 'te' be 'to'?

Para 40: I like the inclusion of dossers and ponces. These are words that forced me into my dictionary. Hmmmm, not very savory - lol

Para 41: Add a comma between 'smiled' and 'and'

Para 46: What a nice way to put it 'nethers.'

Whew, you make reviewing a real job. These are so minor and maybe not even applicable to the way you told the story that they will not affect my five star rating of the story.

Great job. No more sixes left else you would get one for this baby.

 Comment Written 13-May-2022

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reply by the author on 13-May-2022

Gary, huge thanks for the time and effort you've put in, as well as all the positive comments :-). I'm thrilled you enjoyed it so much. I'll go through and do some polishing tomorrow. As you surmise, I'm English so yes - UK spelling. Prising is pulling something off something else with great effort - like with the aid of a crowbar :-). Tha ks again, my friend.

Comment from Erika Seshadri

Excellent

Bahahahah, oh my goodness. This is some great comedic writing, and also an interesting concept for a story. Love the wittiness of the protagonist's voice.

I'd give you a six but I'm fresh out. :(

Take care,
Erika

 Comment Written 13-May-2022

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reply by the author on 13-May-2022

Thanks so much, Erika. I'll take the sixer's worth of fresh out :-). I love writing comedy!

Comment from barbara.wilkey

Excellent

Thank you for sharing this contest entry with us. I enjoyed reading. You have some very interesting characters. I can't wait to read more about them. HINT you might want to delete 'Mike' from your author's notes, because this is supposed to be anonymous. You could get disqualified for having it there. Good luck.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 13-May-2022

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reply by the author on 13-May-2022

Thanks so much, Barbara :-). Good point - I'm still getting back into the rhythm of remembering these things! Duly fixed.

Comment from Earl Corp

Good

You need to go back through and edits this, I counted at least 15 ocassaions in which â? appeared in the text of your story. Good luck in the contest.

 Comment Written 13-May-2022

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reply by the author on 13-May-2022

Many thanks for the heads-up. They have all been duly fixed!

Comment from Yuffie

Exceptional

"You don't have a tab!" I'm laughing so hard over that. This is really well written, and the comedy/fantasy aspect is clearly easy to see.

Before the page break, you have some "&%(*" in your writing. I get this all the time. I noticed FanStory isn't happy with "--". Other than that, this is a well put together piece! I'll have to look out for more of your work.

 Comment Written 13-May-2022

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reply by the author on 13-May-2022

Huge thanks, my friend! It's been years since I last posted, and I'd forgotten the pitfalls of pasting from other editors. All fixed now, I thinks. I'm thrilled you liked it. I love writing comedy!

Mike

reply by Yuffie on 13-May-2022

I completely understand! It happens to us all! And I?m glad you posted again after so long. I look forward to more comedy from you.