The Return
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "The Return Chapter 2"Erotic Turmoil
40 total reviews
Comment from Gert sherwood
Margot meets Bessie!
your chapter in the book The Return
The Return Chapter 2
Sandra,
This chapter in your story is mysterious and I will say you have written in this chapter (2) is moving fast to me is good, it helps to keep the readers want to continue reading your story.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
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Margot meets Bessie!
your chapter in the book The Return
The Return Chapter 2
Sandra,
This chapter in your story is mysterious and I will say you have written in this chapter (2) is moving fast to me is good, it helps to keep the readers want to continue reading your story.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
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Aw, thank you, dear Gert, I really appreciate your review. It's such an encouraging one. I'm glad you are enjoying the story. Thanks, my friend. Warm hugs, Sandra xx
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sandramitchell
You are welcome.
Gert
Comment from Mary Shifman
Oh, I was excited to find this chapter! I almost passed over it thinking I'd already reviewed it. I'm so glad I didn't. This story is getting more and more exciting. Can't wait for the next chapter!
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
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Oh, I was excited to find this chapter! I almost passed over it thinking I'd already reviewed it. I'm so glad I didn't. This story is getting more and more exciting. Can't wait for the next chapter!
Comment Written 09-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
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Thank you so very much for the sixth star and fabulous review, Mary, it was so encouraging to read. I'm so pleased you are enjoying the story. Thank you, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
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You are welcome. I'm excited about reading the next chapter.
Comment from tfawcus
An intriguing story, Sandra. I'm hooked!
You use incidental detail well to ground the reader in the action, and I liked the imagery in this: the spell was broken by invisible fingers snatching the sun back again
I was aware of all the commas in this passage, and they took me out of the story. I think you could lose the one I've bracketed.
And as if to prove it, she bent down and picked up the metal bowl(,) that had apparently fallen to the floor, full of mint, rosemary and lavender, and a few other herbs that Margot didn't know.
One or two places with redundant words such as:
Everything happened (so) fast after that.
give her an (almost) ethereal glow.
great, great, great grandmother [great-great-great-grandmother]
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
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An intriguing story, Sandra. I'm hooked!
You use incidental detail well to ground the reader in the action, and I liked the imagery in this: the spell was broken by invisible fingers snatching the sun back again
I was aware of all the commas in this passage, and they took me out of the story. I think you could lose the one I've bracketed.
And as if to prove it, she bent down and picked up the metal bowl(,) that had apparently fallen to the floor, full of mint, rosemary and lavender, and a few other herbs that Margot didn't know.
One or two places with redundant words such as:
Everything happened (so) fast after that.
give her an (almost) ethereal glow.
great, great, great grandmother [great-great-great-grandmother]
Comment Written 09-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
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Why I put commas instead of dashes there, I don't know! You are the only one to have noticed, and I've corrected that now. I've also changed that sentense with the mass of commas in, too. I seem to have had a comma fixation on this part.
I'm glad you liked my sun sentence. :))
Thank you so much, Tony, for another lovely, very helpful review, and for the golden star! I have just written a note to myself, save a six for Tony! He always deserves one. It's only my mouse pad! Have a wonderful week, my friend. Warm hugs, Sandra xx
Comment from JudyE
Lots of questions for the reader here, which is good. Who is this Bessie? And who is/was Meg??
Just a few suggestions:
Margot smiled; although, her relief and excitement was diminished somewhat by a smidgen of trepidation. - replace semi-colon with a comma. Delete comma after 'although'
Because of Holton House's ridiculous low price, Margot didn't bother bartering, but just told him to go ahead with the purchase. - did you mean 'ridiculously low..'? I think that would read better. Delete 'just'
'I's going to hang them to dry,' she said with a smile that lit her eyes. - comma needed after 'said'
Bessie's eyes twinkled when she smiled, but said not a word. - maybe '... twinkled as she smiled,...
Her flat sold for far more than the house, in fact, she was able to pay cash. - I might have said 'Her flat sold for far more than the price of the house. In fact, she was able to pay cash.'
With no mortgage, she still had enough money to buy a small car. - delete 'still'
It had suddenly occurred to her that she wouldn't be able to walk to work now. - maybe '.... that she would no longer be able to walk to work.'
The house came fully furnished, and because she didn't want to change anything, the buyer of her flat had negotiated a good price for the furniture she was able to leave. - maybe 'for the furniture she left behind.
Going into her bedroom, she undressed and tied her long hair up into a bun and clipped it in place on the top of her head. - delete on of the 'and's' somehow. Maybe 'Going into her bedroom, she undressed and tied her long hair up into a bun, clipping it in place on the top of her head.
Her body spasmed violently, causing her legs to thrash about in her panic to push herself up and out of the bath, sending a tidal wave dousing the candles and then pour over the side. - maybe '...dousing the candles and pouring over the side.
she grabbed her towel and wrapped it around herself, protectively. - delete comma
Cheers
Judy
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
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Lots of questions for the reader here, which is good. Who is this Bessie? And who is/was Meg??
Just a few suggestions:
Margot smiled; although, her relief and excitement was diminished somewhat by a smidgen of trepidation. - replace semi-colon with a comma. Delete comma after 'although'
Because of Holton House's ridiculous low price, Margot didn't bother bartering, but just told him to go ahead with the purchase. - did you mean 'ridiculously low..'? I think that would read better. Delete 'just'
'I's going to hang them to dry,' she said with a smile that lit her eyes. - comma needed after 'said'
Bessie's eyes twinkled when she smiled, but said not a word. - maybe '... twinkled as she smiled,...
Her flat sold for far more than the house, in fact, she was able to pay cash. - I might have said 'Her flat sold for far more than the price of the house. In fact, she was able to pay cash.'
With no mortgage, she still had enough money to buy a small car. - delete 'still'
It had suddenly occurred to her that she wouldn't be able to walk to work now. - maybe '.... that she would no longer be able to walk to work.'
The house came fully furnished, and because she didn't want to change anything, the buyer of her flat had negotiated a good price for the furniture she was able to leave. - maybe 'for the furniture she left behind.
Going into her bedroom, she undressed and tied her long hair up into a bun and clipped it in place on the top of her head. - delete on of the 'and's' somehow. Maybe 'Going into her bedroom, she undressed and tied her long hair up into a bun, clipping it in place on the top of her head.
Her body spasmed violently, causing her legs to thrash about in her panic to push herself up and out of the bath, sending a tidal wave dousing the candles and then pour over the side. - maybe '...dousing the candles and pouring over the side.
she grabbed her towel and wrapped it around herself, protectively. - delete comma
Cheers
Judy
Comment Written 09-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
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What an amazing, very helpful review, Judy, thank you so much. I'm going to copy and past it to my MS Word doc, and sort it out on there, then post the corrected copy back. I'll only make more mistakes doing it straight on here. I'm so pleased you are enjoying my story, my friend! Warm hugs, Sandra xxx
Comment from Ric Myworld
Flowing along nicely, I had come to almost expect nothing more to happen than home sales and a bit of cozying up in the story. Then, you caught me off guard and I was glad I wasn't the one in the tub. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2022
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Flowing along nicely, I had come to almost expect nothing more to happen than home sales and a bit of cozying up in the story. Then, you caught me off guard and I was glad I wasn't the one in the tub. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2022
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Thank you, Ric, for another lovely review. I'm glad I caught you off guard! LOL. Love and hugs, my friend. xx
Comment from royowen
This is a little different from the other time travelling one's, in as much that Margot's experiencing physical encounters with someone who "pushes her buttons" and a housekeeper who knows that she belongs to the house, instead of the other way around. Love your writing Sandra, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2022
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This is a little different from the other time travelling one's, in as much that Margot's experiencing physical encounters with someone who "pushes her buttons" and a housekeeper who knows that she belongs to the house, instead of the other way around. Love your writing Sandra, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 09-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2022
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It is a bit different, isn't it? It all changes now as Margot gets to learn more about the house. I'm glad you like it. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
When you want the help with your book, just say. xxx
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A really good twist Sandra, it works.
Comment from Jay Squires
I've been looking forward to this chapter, Sandra. Here are a few things I noted as I read:
shining through the kitchen window to envelop Bessie and give her an almost ethereal glow. [Since she wasn't identified yet (until the next paragraph) I don't see a reason for you to do it now..]
Her television, radio and laptop would have to wait until and aerial could be fitted before she could use them. [ ... an aerial ...]
Although still incredibly seductive, something had changed. [Now, I'm sure she isn't talking about herself, but it could be construed as such.]
It was the way he touched her. there wasn't the urgency he'd always shown before. [You need a capital T for "there"]
Wow! This is a deparature from your usual romances, Sandra. Me likey!
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2022
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I've been looking forward to this chapter, Sandra. Here are a few things I noted as I read:
shining through the kitchen window to envelop Bessie and give her an almost ethereal glow. [Since she wasn't identified yet (until the next paragraph) I don't see a reason for you to do it now..]
Her television, radio and laptop would have to wait until and aerial could be fitted before she could use them. [ ... an aerial ...]
Although still incredibly seductive, something had changed. [Now, I'm sure she isn't talking about herself, but it could be construed as such.]
It was the way he touched her. there wasn't the urgency he'd always shown before. [You need a capital T for "there"]
Wow! This is a deparature from your usual romances, Sandra. Me likey!
Comment Written 09-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2022
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Thank you so much, Jay, I'd caught those errors earlier, except the first one with Bessie! What a wally I am. I've sorted it now, thank you, dear friend. I'm glad you are enjoying the story. It is quite different, so far!! Lol. Thanks for that golden star, and this really lovely, and helpful review. Love and hugs, my friend. :) xxx
Comment from DeboraDyess
Sandra -
Another great chapter! Lots of emotion and suspense. Well done!
~ Crawley, Kevin, she's interested in >> This needs either a semi-colon or needs to be two sentences, I believe. :)
~ I do'nt think I'd introduce Bessie's name before she says it, unless Margot somehow knows before she hears it and the confirmaiton is just that - a confirmaiton of what she suspected.
~ Bessie's eyes twinkled when she smiled, but said not a word. >> But her eyes wouldn'T have said a word, would they. I'd say 'she said not a word'. lol
~ slip away with the help of the flickering candles with their softly scented >> I'd change the second 'with' to 'and'. Picky, pikcy, picky, I kow! But I ex[ect you to be this with me when I get back to writing! :)
~ before that both thrilled and embarrassed. >> before, both thrilled and embarrassed. >> I remember that feeling!
Uh-oh...
~
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2022
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Sandra -
Another great chapter! Lots of emotion and suspense. Well done!
~ Crawley, Kevin, she's interested in >> This needs either a semi-colon or needs to be two sentences, I believe. :)
~ I do'nt think I'd introduce Bessie's name before she says it, unless Margot somehow knows before she hears it and the confirmaiton is just that - a confirmaiton of what she suspected.
~ Bessie's eyes twinkled when she smiled, but said not a word. >> But her eyes wouldn'T have said a word, would they. I'd say 'she said not a word'. lol
~ slip away with the help of the flickering candles with their softly scented >> I'd change the second 'with' to 'and'. Picky, pikcy, picky, I kow! But I ex[ect you to be this with me when I get back to writing! :)
~ before that both thrilled and embarrassed. >> before, both thrilled and embarrassed. >> I remember that feeling!
Uh-oh...
~
Comment Written 09-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2022
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Thank you so much, Debs, for this lovely review and the help. I've made the corrections and changed some of the sentences so they make sense now! LOL. I can't believe I made that mistake with Bessie, and another sentence you picked up on. Thank you for telling me, I really appreciated it. Love and hugs my friend. :)) Sandra xx
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Any time, Sandra. You might use my secret -- allow the computer to read the passage to you. It's amazing how you'll catch a pause that doesn't belong or a run-through that needs a comma. I've always used it as an editing tool but now it's mch more useful with the loss of a bit more vision.
Anyhow, give it a try and let me know how it goes!
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I will! Good tip. Thanks, Debs. xxx
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Captivating--the suspense is excruciating--as it must be for poor Margot wondering about her ghostly lover who leaves her on the brink. Your knack for erotica is astounding!
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2022
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Captivating--the suspense is excruciating--as it must be for poor Margot wondering about her ghostly lover who leaves her on the brink. Your knack for erotica is astounding!
Comment Written 09-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2022
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You have no idea how much I've researched the scenes with the randy ghost! What is okay, and what is OTT. Thank you so much, Liz, for this lovely review. Margot is in for a huge shock in a later chapter. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from Pam (respa)
-An excellent job with this part, Sandra.
-Looks like Bessie might come with the house,
making a good house mate! Her dialect sounds
a little bit familiar.
-You did a good job when the 'crash' came
and Margot was ready with the poker in her hand.
-The 'ethereal glow' was a nice touch, too.
-It will be interesting to see why Bessie was expecting her.
-Margot did very well selling her flat, buying the house,
and having money left over, too.
-Interesting ending. It looks like Margot might
be facing a few challenges in her new home.
-Well done.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2022
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-An excellent job with this part, Sandra.
-Looks like Bessie might come with the house,
making a good house mate! Her dialect sounds
a little bit familiar.
-You did a good job when the 'crash' came
and Margot was ready with the poker in her hand.
-The 'ethereal glow' was a nice touch, too.
-It will be interesting to see why Bessie was expecting her.
-Margot did very well selling her flat, buying the house,
and having money left over, too.
-Interesting ending. It looks like Margot might
be facing a few challenges in her new home.
-Well done.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2022
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Thank you so much, Pam, for this lovely review, and for that golden star! Her accent is what we call, Hampshire Hog! Lol, not a nice description, but similar to the Cornish dialect, but differs in the lilt. I'm slowly introducing characters that will stay in the story. Margot doesn't know the half of it yet, she's in for a big surprise. Thank you again, my friend. Love and hugs, Sandra xxxx
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You are very welcome and deserving of the stars and review, Sandra. Thanks for sharing about the accent. I was referring to Mildred's dialect; it sounded very similar. I am guessing a lot of ghosts are going to be paying visits!!👻👻
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I knew you were referring to Mildred, :)) hers was stronger and the lilt was different. Mine was very fast and sing-songish as a child. I was born in Shotley, Suffolk, and when we moved to Kent, children found it hard to understand me. I had to learn to slow down. I've totally lost mine now due to all the moving around we did due to my father's job. Suffolk, Kent, Hampshire, Wales, back to Hampshire. Then I went to work in Zurich, Switzerland, and back to Hampshire again. Then years later, Spain, and now permanently back to Hampshire!! So, as you can imagine, no one could possibly guess where I come from. LOL!!! xxx
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You definitely covered a lot of ground. You could cover a lot of characters in a story, all with different dialects:):)