Genius in Love
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Genius In Love, Scene 10"In Search of a Soul
30 total reviews
Comment from Judy Lawless
Well done, again, Jay! This is getting really interesting, introducing the parents, and the conversation between Cornelius' parents is brilliant. Looking forward to seeing how the visit goes. I also loved listening to the music as I read. Very relaxing.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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Well done, again, Jay! This is getting really interesting, introducing the parents, and the conversation between Cornelius' parents is brilliant. Looking forward to seeing how the visit goes. I also loved listening to the music as I read. Very relaxing.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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I'm glad you enjoyed the experiment with the music and found the scene generally good. I haven't quite figured out how the next scene will go, but I wouldn't expect Howard will have changed his stripes. Your six stars is a delight! Thanks for that.
Comment from Ric Myworld
I could easily give you a six on everything you write, if they gave us enough to go around. But having been instructed by Sam Shepard, an accomplished actor, author, and playwright who stressed writers must be completely open and honest, I commend you on stepping outside your comfort zone of words for the sake of your script. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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I could easily give you a six on everything you write, if they gave us enough to go around. But having been instructed by Sam Shepard, an accomplished actor, author, and playwright who stressed writers must be completely open and honest, I commend you on stepping outside your comfort zone of words for the sake of your script. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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I'm glad you enjoyed this scene (to the tune of 6 stars) in spite of, or because of, Sam Shepard. Thank you for your loyalty in reading this play, Ric, and your kind words.
Comment from elchupakabra
You damn right I'm proud! (you're)
Ha! whatever the hell brings you joy, (Whatever)
And what makes you think she got my number? (remove And)
Here's the thing - the swearing adds nothing to the script. The problem is that you've basically just peppered it throughout the script, I'm not sure why you picked the moments/parts you did, and unless the idea was just to make Toloache vitriolic, there's no point to it. If I understand this to be old timey, the swearing needs to be used in poignant places, for example:
TOLOACHE:
There are people out in the unwashed world who don't give a shit for Fortune 500 status.
Most of the world, even your cohorts; they don't give a shit about your Fortune 500 status, Howard.
Like here you're hammering home a point, so throwing in a shit here is apt. I found the 'unwashed world' ref to be a bit odd.
The other major issue I had with this is how many times you reference five consecutive days, five days in a row, five continuous days, five days back to back - this felt like a weird thing to repeat, especially in dialogue.
There are some instances where the characters are starting sentences with 'And'.
It's just missing that little bit of oomph and venom to convey the feeling I believe you're trying to get across, the disdain of Voley towards Howard, Howard's contempt for those 'lesser' than him and his fear of being discovered as having a child that is by his definition 'lesser than' to the point he's ignoring that the child is a musical prodigy lol.
Also, to the point of the music, that's something I would also change - the generic 'Relaxing Music' doesn't fit the tone of the scene - I would go with something perhaps slightly more chaotic, perhaps Chopin's Nocturne
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zIvzsHiiIg
A good effort overall, keep up the great work and thanks for sharing. Later daze.
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reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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You damn right I'm proud! (you're)
Ha! whatever the hell brings you joy, (Whatever)
And what makes you think she got my number? (remove And)
Here's the thing - the swearing adds nothing to the script. The problem is that you've basically just peppered it throughout the script, I'm not sure why you picked the moments/parts you did, and unless the idea was just to make Toloache vitriolic, there's no point to it. If I understand this to be old timey, the swearing needs to be used in poignant places, for example:
TOLOACHE:
There are people out in the unwashed world who don't give a shit for Fortune 500 status.
Most of the world, even your cohorts; they don't give a shit about your Fortune 500 status, Howard.
Like here you're hammering home a point, so throwing in a shit here is apt. I found the 'unwashed world' ref to be a bit odd.
The other major issue I had with this is how many times you reference five consecutive days, five days in a row, five continuous days, five days back to back - this felt like a weird thing to repeat, especially in dialogue.
There are some instances where the characters are starting sentences with 'And'.
It's just missing that little bit of oomph and venom to convey the feeling I believe you're trying to get across, the disdain of Voley towards Howard, Howard's contempt for those 'lesser' than him and his fear of being discovered as having a child that is by his definition 'lesser than' to the point he's ignoring that the child is a musical prodigy lol.
Also, to the point of the music, that's something I would also change - the generic 'Relaxing Music' doesn't fit the tone of the scene - I would go with something perhaps slightly more chaotic, perhaps Chopin's Nocturne
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zIvzsHiiIg
A good effort overall, keep up the great work and thanks for sharing. Later daze.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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Let me thank you Later daze (if that is your full name, or if "later" is used as in "see you later", then daze, which I'll use from now on), for taking so much time focusing on the bones of scene 10. I appreciate it, sincerely.
Let me go through and comment on some of your points.:
For the first three "bullet" suggestions, I corrected the second, thank you! The first one was an intentional override of the normal spelling to keep with a more authentic speech pattern in light of the emotion. I almost added an "s" to "right". I know I've said, "You damn rights!" in the heat of an argument. And to be perfectly accurate "damn" should have been "damned". So it was intentional.
About beginning the sentence with "And", I often use a conjunction to begin a sentence. When I do, it will more than likely be "And", but I do use it judiciously, when I want the feeling of a link to the previous sentence or thought. "But" I use less frequently because it is quite abrupt.
I can see and understand that vulgarity strikes a deep chord with you. It appears to be almost a reflexive abhorrence. You think there is no legitimate use for it in serious writing. I couldn't disagree more heartily with you (if I am right in my assessment; and if wrong, I apologize). There is no better way to intensify anger, particularly rage, than a well-placed chunk of vulgarity. That said, I always feel like my Mom (who would now be 115 if she were alive), is looking over my shoulder when I tap the keys for a swear word. And if not my Mom, then my grown children I picture red-faced and sputtering at my choice of language. I simply do not swear in public, and rarely by myself at home, unless I have done something infuriatingly stupid, or slam my thumb with a hammer.
But do I think well-placed swear words can add to a story. Absolutely. If they are not appropriate to the mood, or they are a childish attempt by a writer to shock the reader, then they should be laughed out of the story by the critic. I believe you feel that my "vulgarities" were not appropriate to the mood, but I hope you don't feel they were an attempt to shock the reader. Bu the way, I feel that Henry Miller's use of foul language was entirely gratuitous in SOME parts of his story, but necessary genius in other parts. I think we'll have to agree to disagree about our divergence of opinions on the language in Scene 10 (though I must say I'm amazed you didn't mention anything about it in your review of Scene 9).
Strange you should comment about the choice of music I selected. And I agree with you on it. I say it's strange because I had chosen one of Chopin's nocturnes initially. Not this one, but the one on "Night". I decided against it because it was too short, stopping right in the middle of the dialogue. If Cornelius had stopped playing at that moment, the reader would be wondering what Cornelius was now doing. Also, The Chopin piece, like yours, had that annoying commercial at the beginning. I didn't want the reader to shut it down for that reason. I will look for a more appropriate selection for the next scene.
Once again, Daze, thank you for your scrutiny of Scene 10. All your comments were made with the utmost sincerity, and I appreciate that. Your name is put on my list by my computer to reward it for the Reviewers Recommendation first of next month, when I have a rest supply of selections allowed me.
adios, Daze. I shall be reading "The Wooden Horse" today.
Jay
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I'm all about swearing, I meant that specifically the instances where you chose to use them did not enforce the emotion of the scene.
Here is an example from the film Marriage Story where the swearing enhances the resentment, the vitriol between the two characters (husband and wife)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDFdroN7d0w
In your scene, there are many instances of Toley using 'Chrissakes' which to me isn't a real curse word btw, but then you drop an f-bomb gratuitously and wrapped in a cliche when you come back with -
Anyway, wealthy husband of mine, they are going to be here in a little over an hour. I really don?t give a flying fuck whether you?re here or not.
The emotion being conveyed is indifference, and yet she's gone with flying fuck. It's not accentuating the scene, it's gratuitous. You know who should be swearing. Fucking Howard lol. That part where he says 'no' and is basically like 'you're pissing me off' - that's where I would have put the word fuck.
Just wanted to further explain what I meant about the swearing, I'm not averse to it at all, in fact, I swear like a trucker and a sailor had a baby.
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Ha-ha, I hadn't intended on shaking your lion's cage. Personally, I was brought up, by example not to swear. My father, who was a cop, NEVER swore. My mother swore just a tad. I was honest when I said it doesn't come easily to me. You are right about one thing. Howard very noticeably DOES NOT swear. And I don't know why.
Anyway, my friend, I will take a closer look at the placement of the swearing. To me it sounded quite natural, and yours is the only mention of it striking the wrong chord. So I don't want to change it without a lot of forethought.
Again, thanks. That was funny: a baby of a trucker and a sailor! That's *&%*&$ funny!
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No feathers ruffled good sir! I'm probably extra nitpicky when it comes to the art of swearing.
Here's a video - this one's just for pure amusement. Have a fine day! Later daze.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vqbk9cDX0l0
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Damn, that's f**kin' funny!
Comment from BethShelby
This shows great insight into a truly hostile relationship between Cornelius's parents. Howard is definitely ashamed of his son being austistic, in spite of his musical genius. I've seen such toxic relationships before, and I doubt if this marriage would have lasted if Toloache didn;t benefit from being the wife of a rich man. I'm anxious to see how the girls parents react to knowing their daughter is interested in a austistic boy.
You seem to have an excellent grasp of human nature.
Beth
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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This shows great insight into a truly hostile relationship between Cornelius's parents. Howard is definitely ashamed of his son being austistic, in spite of his musical genius. I've seen such toxic relationships before, and I doubt if this marriage would have lasted if Toloache didn;t benefit from being the wife of a rich man. I'm anxious to see how the girls parents react to knowing their daughter is interested in a austistic boy.
You seem to have an excellent grasp of human nature.
Beth
Comment Written 27-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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As usual, Beth, your kindness is overwhelming. Thank you for reading and enjoying it to the point you gave it FS's highest honor. I hope the next scene is equally satisfying.
Comment from Light Magic
Thank you. This is brilliant! I'm an emotional mess. The music helped greatly, and you have the gift to place the reader right there in the room observing an extremely volatile and emotional situation. It could have gone anywhere: And Howard, consistently masking his true emotions until he couldn't anymore.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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Thank you. This is brilliant! I'm an emotional mess. The music helped greatly, and you have the gift to place the reader right there in the room observing an extremely volatile and emotional situation. It could have gone anywhere: And Howard, consistently masking his true emotions until he couldn't anymore.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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OMG, I'm so happy you responded so positively to this scene. Thank you for making yourself vulnerable to the characters and coming out the other end somehow changed. Your six is so validating. You are appreciated, Romani.
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It's a pleasure Jay.
Comment from Jasmine Girl
I enjoy reading this scene while listening to the easy listening music. I'm a true classic music lover and know a lot about it. I guess you don't want to risk to be a snob. I'm surprised that I enjoyed it for a while and then it was too repetitive. I think you did a good job writing dialogues between this pair of husband and wife. I didn't mind reading it all the way through and enjoy the humor.
Exceptionally done. The music is definitely a plus.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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I enjoy reading this scene while listening to the easy listening music. I'm a true classic music lover and know a lot about it. I guess you don't want to risk to be a snob. I'm surprised that I enjoyed it for a while and then it was too repetitive. I think you did a good job writing dialogues between this pair of husband and wife. I didn't mind reading it all the way through and enjoy the humor.
Exceptionally done. The music is definitely a plus.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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I'm glad the music added to the drama, even though you felt it was too repetitive. I had chosen one of Chopin's Nocturnes, but it only went on for about 5 minutes and I wanted something to last the entire scene. Thank you, Lisa for the six stars. You are so validating!
Comment from Theodore McDowell
great dialogue. Heartbreaking when he says the boy needs to be in an institution. but I have known so many parents fight over that issue--mainstreaming versus special ed. thoroughly enjoyed the scene.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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great dialogue. Heartbreaking when he says the boy needs to be in an institution. but I have known so many parents fight over that issue--mainstreaming versus special ed. thoroughly enjoyed the scene.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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Thank you, Tim. And I didn't mention this scene what I had in earlier ones, that this takes place in the early 50s, when there was little known about autism. I need to mention that! Thanks so much for the six stars.
Comment from MissMerri
Just wonderful in every way. The music added a lovely touch which made the reader feel very much a part of the scene. Your characters are clearly drawn and easy to feel either empathy or disdain for. I really hope this is a play that will some day be produced somewhere. Please make it happen. MM
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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Just wonderful in every way. The music added a lovely touch which made the reader feel very much a part of the scene. Your characters are clearly drawn and easy to feel either empathy or disdain for. I really hope this is a play that will some day be produced somewhere. Please make it happen. MM
Comment Written 27-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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Ah, MissMerri, you are so kind. If I were twenty years younger I might have pursued getting this performed. It would be a kick! I'm just thrilled that you find it worthwhile of that. Thanks for the six and your loyal following.
Comment from lancellot
This is very good. I enjoyed their real husband and wife conversation, when both know each other so well. It was also good to see how it is that Cornelius is really in school.
But the best part, beside the lovely background music, was the and the hope that Howard is human.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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This is very good. I enjoyed their real husband and wife conversation, when both know each other so well. It was also good to see how it is that Cornelius is really in school.
But the best part, beside the lovely background music, was the and the hope that Howard is human.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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Well, I'm so pleased you enjoyed this, and rewarded it with the six stars. Did you ever see "Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolfe?" I kept hearing an echo of that as I was writing this dialogue. Thank you so much, Lance.
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
SSSSSStupendous! Brilliant rendering of tension and simmering hostility boiling over--harsh words and vulgarities are appropos for the circimstances. Intriguing turnaround adds nuance to his otherwise stereotypical attitude. Cheerssssss. LIZ
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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SSSSSStupendous! Brilliant rendering of tension and simmering hostility boiling over--harsh words and vulgarities are appropos for the circimstances. Intriguing turnaround adds nuance to his otherwise stereotypical attitude. Cheerssssss. LIZ
Comment Written 27-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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I'm glad you found the exchange between the two authentic. I was afraid of the "otherwise stereotypical" part carrying the scene. Thank you so much for the six stars, Liz.
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Sorry--that didn't come out right--"stereotypical" wasn't meant to be a slight to the writer--I mean that the guy is a dick on so many fronts--yet, you masterfully gave a glimmer of sensitivity toward others, which rendered him that much richly drawn.
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No, no, that's cool, Liz. I really was worried that I was portraying a rather hackneyed rich guy. Several alluded to the corner Howard turned in the ending. I'm wondering what I got myself into. If those readers expect a turnabout, they'll be sadly mistaken. Anyway... no apology needed.