More Grist to the Mill
Viewing comments for Chapter 23 "The Bache Family - 1913-1933"Book 2 of the Cleeborough Mill Trilogy
35 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
Thanks for continuing and giving us some background. Whew! I thought something had happened to Jack that "shatter his dream at age fifteen." It seems that mechanization that point in history.
Minor nit:
needs you bad. (end quote needed)
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2021
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Thanks for continuing and giving us some background. Whew! I thought something had happened to Jack that "shatter his dream at age fifteen." It seems that mechanization that point in history.
Minor nit:
needs you bad. (end quote needed)
Comment Written 10-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2021
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. Jacks Dream gets shattered next time, but in the published version these two posts will be together in the same chapter and it will make more sense. On FS I find there are limits beyond which time strapped reviewers will not read. Lol.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
Well-written as always and very interesting. Heather was a most unusual woman for her time with her desire to run the farm and make money at it, but she was also ready to marry. Tom was the perfect choice for her as he was willingly to believe she could do anything she set her mind to. They are both very likeable, which means you have brought them to life.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2021
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Well-written as always and very interesting. Heather was a most unusual woman for her time with her desire to run the farm and make money at it, but she was also ready to marry. Tom was the perfect choice for her as he was willingly to believe she could do anything she set her mind to. They are both very likeable, which means you have brought them to life.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2021
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Thank you very much for this complimentary review, I am pleased you continue to enjoy the story.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This is a corker of a read. The pace is mostly spot on (exception see below), and a lot happens. It's actually a social commentary of 1913-33, which is the sort of thing I really enjoy. I think it might be useful to explain Brooklands a bit in your notes, for non-specialists.
Also, I have a new niggle.
The onset of war though, in the autumn... = a 5 line sentence. Plenty long enough to smother and lose the reader in. I think it would be best cut in 2 at 'office' unless you can give me a good reason otherwise. (note there are other examples of this - weed them out, I think would make the writing more forceful).
Also
to be rejected, he had climbed > name the names, less confusing.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2021
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This is a corker of a read. The pace is mostly spot on (exception see below), and a lot happens. It's actually a social commentary of 1913-33, which is the sort of thing I really enjoy. I think it might be useful to explain Brooklands a bit in your notes, for non-specialists.
Also, I have a new niggle.
The onset of war though, in the autumn... = a 5 line sentence. Plenty long enough to smother and lose the reader in. I think it would be best cut in 2 at 'office' unless you can give me a good reason otherwise. (note there are other examples of this - weed them out, I think would make the writing more forceful).
Also
to be rejected, he had climbed > name the names, less confusing.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2021
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Many thanks for this six-star review. I have chopped up some of those longer sentences. Thanks for drawing that to my attention.
Given that this is aimed at ultimate publication I am trying to avoid footnotes, so I have had Jack explain Brooklands a bit more to his Dad in response to your mention.
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Thanks for adding Brooklands - I hadn't dared suggest it for in the chapter. And glad you also dont really like long sentences, just got carried away! PS I am in England! Katherine
Comment from damommy
Enjoyed getting to know the twins, but I like listening to Tom and Heather best. Jack's father is trying to steer in the direction of a lasting profession or trade that isn't so dependent on changes.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2021
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Enjoyed getting to know the twins, but I like listening to Tom and Heather best. Jack's father is trying to steer in the direction of a lasting profession or trade that isn't so dependent on changes.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2021
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There will be more of Tommy and Heather in Book 3, and i am pleased that you enjoy their dialogue, but time marches on and the new generation is champing at the bit. Many thanks for the lovely review.
Comment from Suzanna Ray
Dear Jim, the thing I found most interesting about this particular post was there was so little dialogue compared to your description of the character, and motives of each member of the Bache family; particularly the children.
I am sure this will have more impact on the chapters to be posted in the weeks to come, than any other factor.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2021
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Dear Jim, the thing I found most interesting about this particular post was there was so little dialogue compared to your description of the character, and motives of each member of the Bache family; particularly the children.
I am sure this will have more impact on the chapters to be posted in the weeks to come, than any other factor.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2021
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Thank you for this thorough review, especially the mention of lack of dialogue. In the published version this will be posted together with the next post as a single chapter. I think the balance will be be restored. Chapter length here on FS is governed more by the volume acceptable to reviewers, so the division into chapters becomes somewhat artificial.
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Dear Jim, you are certainly right about chapter length.
I know I can read only so much before I forget who wrote what I was reading. (smile)
Comment from JudyE
Sound writing as always and obviously there is more interesting information to come.
I hope I haven't over-stepped the mark with some of my suggestions. Feel free to shrug them off. lol
Unlike her father she was not hand in glove with their erstwhile partners - comma after 'father'
'Aye, Miss Heather.' - I think this needs a question mark
'Oh drop the Miss thing, please. Just, Heather'll do. I needs your help, and more than just as your customer.' - delete comma after 'just'
He was more than happy to help Heather out in her bid to restore Jericho's reputation, to its former position as one of the most important farms in the area. - I'd delete comma after 'reputation' and maybe place one after 'out'
but the recruiting sergeant in charge there shook his head when he learned of Tommy's occupation. - delete 'there'
'You be far too important to the war effort to be actually fighting in her, Mr Bache,' said the sergeant. We got to eat, see. We canna fight the Hun on an empty stomach, and you as a miller, along of all they farmers, be the ones to see as we do. Sorry, Mr Bache, but that would be more nor my life be worth to sign you up. You'm in what they calls a Reserved Occupation, see.' - speech marks needed before 'We got to eat..'
Disappointed to be rejected, he had climbed the hill and joined Heather in the Jericho kitchen. - maybe 'Disappointed at the rejection..?'
'They dunna want me, love. Reserved Occupation, milling be.' - Tommy is calling Heather 'love' but there is little mention of a romantic relationship prior to this.
'Well if they dunna want you, they dunna know what they be missing, 'cause I wants you Tommy Bache. I needs you bad. - speech marks needed at end
either could spare the time to take their places at the altar of St Mary's church and make their vows to each other. - should 'church' have a capital?
War is a terrible state of affairs of course but, being essential to the survival of the nation, both businesses prospered as a result of the Great War as it was to become known. - comma after 'Great War'
As children they delighted in the farm with its animals and equipment. - comma after 'children'
Julia, on the other hand was more of a problem. - comma after 'hand'
The only subject at which she excelled at school was biology. - I might have rearranged this. Maybe 'At school, the only subject at which she excelled was biology.'
As a younger child it had been called nature-study. - comma after 'child'
In 1933 Jack's dream was to be shattered at age fifteen, while he was at work with his father in the mill during his final summer holidays after finishing school. To say that he was at work might imply that he was involved in the milling process, but this was not the case. He was in fact sketching the interior of the mill, with not a little skill. Tommy was involved with the milling. The grain being milled at the time was barley, destined to be used as feed for the beef cattle which, under Heather's administration, had once again become a feature of the farm. - there are five mentions of 'mill/milling/milled' here. Maybe Jack could be sketching the 'interior of the building'. Comma after '1933'
'It were all fine and dandy during the war, when the country were almost starving 'cause of they U boat things,' his father told him. 'They needed our country mills back then. But peace brought back the plentiful supply of that imported Canadian wheat to they big roller mills at the ports or nearby. They provide almost all the flour consumed throughout the country. The few places, like this traditionally powered stone-grinding mill, as were still operating, were forced to concentrate on animal feed, or cease trading. Even that business be in danger now from these small, tractor-driven milling machines. Farmers can do it all themselves. Were I not married to your mum, this mill would have been abandoned shortly after the war. But while we got the water, Jericho at least will use us.' - this is sounding a bit high-brow for Tommy Bache perhaps. 'peace brought back the plentiful supply of that imported Canadian wheat', 'traditionally powered stone-grinding mill' (mills what used stones like ours)
'Well, Dad. The water will always be here,' said Jack. - replace period with a comma
Cheers
Judy
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2021
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Sound writing as always and obviously there is more interesting information to come.
I hope I haven't over-stepped the mark with some of my suggestions. Feel free to shrug them off. lol
Unlike her father she was not hand in glove with their erstwhile partners - comma after 'father'
'Aye, Miss Heather.' - I think this needs a question mark
'Oh drop the Miss thing, please. Just, Heather'll do. I needs your help, and more than just as your customer.' - delete comma after 'just'
He was more than happy to help Heather out in her bid to restore Jericho's reputation, to its former position as one of the most important farms in the area. - I'd delete comma after 'reputation' and maybe place one after 'out'
but the recruiting sergeant in charge there shook his head when he learned of Tommy's occupation. - delete 'there'
'You be far too important to the war effort to be actually fighting in her, Mr Bache,' said the sergeant. We got to eat, see. We canna fight the Hun on an empty stomach, and you as a miller, along of all they farmers, be the ones to see as we do. Sorry, Mr Bache, but that would be more nor my life be worth to sign you up. You'm in what they calls a Reserved Occupation, see.' - speech marks needed before 'We got to eat..'
Disappointed to be rejected, he had climbed the hill and joined Heather in the Jericho kitchen. - maybe 'Disappointed at the rejection..?'
'They dunna want me, love. Reserved Occupation, milling be.' - Tommy is calling Heather 'love' but there is little mention of a romantic relationship prior to this.
'Well if they dunna want you, they dunna know what they be missing, 'cause I wants you Tommy Bache. I needs you bad. - speech marks needed at end
either could spare the time to take their places at the altar of St Mary's church and make their vows to each other. - should 'church' have a capital?
War is a terrible state of affairs of course but, being essential to the survival of the nation, both businesses prospered as a result of the Great War as it was to become known. - comma after 'Great War'
As children they delighted in the farm with its animals and equipment. - comma after 'children'
Julia, on the other hand was more of a problem. - comma after 'hand'
The only subject at which she excelled at school was biology. - I might have rearranged this. Maybe 'At school, the only subject at which she excelled was biology.'
As a younger child it had been called nature-study. - comma after 'child'
In 1933 Jack's dream was to be shattered at age fifteen, while he was at work with his father in the mill during his final summer holidays after finishing school. To say that he was at work might imply that he was involved in the milling process, but this was not the case. He was in fact sketching the interior of the mill, with not a little skill. Tommy was involved with the milling. The grain being milled at the time was barley, destined to be used as feed for the beef cattle which, under Heather's administration, had once again become a feature of the farm. - there are five mentions of 'mill/milling/milled' here. Maybe Jack could be sketching the 'interior of the building'. Comma after '1933'
'It were all fine and dandy during the war, when the country were almost starving 'cause of they U boat things,' his father told him. 'They needed our country mills back then. But peace brought back the plentiful supply of that imported Canadian wheat to they big roller mills at the ports or nearby. They provide almost all the flour consumed throughout the country. The few places, like this traditionally powered stone-grinding mill, as were still operating, were forced to concentrate on animal feed, or cease trading. Even that business be in danger now from these small, tractor-driven milling machines. Farmers can do it all themselves. Were I not married to your mum, this mill would have been abandoned shortly after the war. But while we got the water, Jericho at least will use us.' - this is sounding a bit high-brow for Tommy Bache perhaps. 'peace brought back the plentiful supply of that imported Canadian wheat', 'traditionally powered stone-grinding mill' (mills what used stones like ours)
'Well, Dad. The water will always be here,' said Jack. - replace period with a comma
Cheers
Judy
Comment Written 10-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2021
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Thank you so much for this really useful review. I have considered all the points you raised and have addressed them, though not necessarily in the manner you suggest. If you can spare the time could you glance at it again and let me know how you feel?
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I think Tommy's explanation to Jack is very much better - much more 'Tommy-like' and a big improvement. The rest flows well too.
Three more tiny nits:
Can we go to see races there, one day, dad? Please?? - capitalise 'dad'
a) with its cat's cradle of belting and spinning b) the quality of the meal - extra spaces after 'belting' and 'quality'
when the country were almost starving ?cause of they U boat things,? - hyphenate 'U-boat'
Regards
Judy
Comment from Jeff Watkins
The one thing I can count on in your writing is flawless word choice and sentence structure. However, you depend too much on a narrator to tell the story, in this chapter at least. The heavy use of a narrator gives me the impression that you are in a hurry to be done with it. The chapter lacks a sense of drama.
During your time in Aden, did you run across or hear of David
Smiley? He served as a colonel in Sultan of Oman's army for about 10 years, beginning in 1958 and through 1967. He also had a long and varied military career in Greece, Albania, north Africa, and Thailand. Just curious.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2021
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The one thing I can count on in your writing is flawless word choice and sentence structure. However, you depend too much on a narrator to tell the story, in this chapter at least. The heavy use of a narrator gives me the impression that you are in a hurry to be done with it. The chapter lacks a sense of drama.
During your time in Aden, did you run across or hear of David
Smiley? He served as a colonel in Sultan of Oman's army for about 10 years, beginning in 1958 and through 1967. He also had a long and varied military career in Greece, Albania, north Africa, and Thailand. Just curious.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2021
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Of course you are right. This is a quiet introductory chapter that wont be a chapter on its own in the published book.
One of the problems of writing for FS is the need to tailor one's chapter length to what reviewers can cope with. I thought then I could get it into this chapter. But it would have made it over long. My apologies but the actual shattering will come next time. When divided up more naturally, I think this will come as welcome breathing space after the harrowing account of the Somme.
I never met the man you mention. The Gulf States and Aden are separated by many hundred miles of sand . Several officers of the Royal Marines went on to serve as mercenaries in the Gulf. Hamish emsley was killed there and Tony Hazeldine became a brigadier. I never went round the bend that far.
Comment from robyn corum
Jim,
That, my good sir, was not nice at all. Not in the slightest. When you said Jack's dreams were shattered I was afraid he was about to have a terrible accident wherein he was killed or maimed or something likewise. I was so tensed up... and then - nothing. The dad told him his idea was bad. blah. Whew. Don't do that!
This was a fine chapter - enjoyed! (MOST of it.)
But wait - question. When Peter was at their house to ask questions, and Heather had to get up and leave the room for a minute and the men both waited for her to get back before they continued - I thought she went to check on a KID/Baby???
Thanks!
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2021
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Jim,
That, my good sir, was not nice at all. Not in the slightest. When you said Jack's dreams were shattered I was afraid he was about to have a terrible accident wherein he was killed or maimed or something likewise. I was so tensed up... and then - nothing. The dad told him his idea was bad. blah. Whew. Don't do that!
This was a fine chapter - enjoyed! (MOST of it.)
But wait - question. When Peter was at their house to ask questions, and Heather had to get up and leave the room for a minute and the men both waited for her to get back before they continued - I thought she went to check on a KID/Baby???
Thanks!
Comment Written 10-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2021
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She went to put the twins to bed. That was in 1925 when Allen visited. They had been visiting school friends. They were 7 years old. Now it is 1933, and they are 15.
One of the problems of writing for FS is the need to tailor one's chapter length to what reviewers can cope with. I thought then I could get it into this chapter. But it would have made it over long. My apologies but the actual shattering will come next time.
I do really appreciate your reviews. They get to the heart of the matter. Thank you for this one.
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Welcome! So nice to see a picture!
Comment from Jay Squires
Finally get to see that good-looking face of yours! I'm glad you threw in this chapter about the Baches, especially the twins. Of course, you leave the reader hanging as to the dream that Jack will have shattered when he was 15. Unless it is Tommy's assertion that the mill is destined to close down at the advent of the first mechanical setback. I don't think so, though, since you made it sound like a sudden and unexpected event. That for another day! Good work, Jim.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2021
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Finally get to see that good-looking face of yours! I'm glad you threw in this chapter about the Baches, especially the twins. Of course, you leave the reader hanging as to the dream that Jack will have shattered when he was 15. Unless it is Tommy's assertion that the mill is destined to close down at the advent of the first mechanical setback. I don't think so, though, since you made it sound like a sudden and unexpected event. That for another day! Good work, Jim.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2021
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Many thanks for this review. Several people have mention the somewhat damp squib effect of this chapter.
One of the problems of writing for FS is the need to tailor one's chapter length to what reviewers can cope with. I thought then I could get it into this chapter. But it would have made it over long. My apologies but the actual shattering will come next time.
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Well, I hope that little Jack doesn't get caught up in the water wheel, as I thought was going to happen to Billy when he had to climb up on it to get it unstuck.
Comment from nomi338
I am most optimistic about the promising aspects of each of the twins qualities and I suspect that they will both do well and lead most interesting lives in future. Things look very bright from here.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2021
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I am most optimistic about the promising aspects of each of the twins qualities and I suspect that they will both do well and lead most interesting lives in future. Things look very bright from here.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2021
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They certainly seem like a promising pair. We shall see in due course. Many thanks for reviewing
