Behold: the Cosmic Do-Over
Two Lives Knitted to a Continuum38 total reviews
Comment from royowen
I can see this is a lesson in cryptic writing, but it would be hard to see this winning a contest, the subtle imagery depicts perhaps more than one character, but I think you've defeated yourself in overly cryptic scribing, as a reader, I would say..."What the"..." I remember a Bible teacher once declaring, "if one of my students says," 'That was deep', I would wonder where I'd failed! But well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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I can see this is a lesson in cryptic writing, but it would be hard to see this winning a contest, the subtle imagery depicts perhaps more than one character, but I think you've defeated yourself in overly cryptic scribing, as a reader, I would say..."What the"..." I remember a Bible teacher once declaring, "if one of my students says," 'That was deep', I would wonder where I'd failed! But well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Thank you Roy, for your honesty. It was, yes, experimental. As such I wish I had left it in a folder on my desktop and not on FanStory. But what is done, is done.
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Sorry Jay. You?re still a good writer.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Jay, am I reading about a Teller in a bank and she is wearing a white blouse that is too tight~~ makes the sliver threads holding the teller's blouse shreds and exposes her breast.
And then she gets embarrassed and her hands are trying to cover her breast and her rose bud nipples. So there she is exposed her arms are trying to cover herself as her legs are like sponges
Ah, how clever you are telling us about the barrel of a gun being covered by a folded mews paper. I take it that there wasn't any money when you wrote nothing is lost.
Jay my question why did you make your flash fiction cleverly puzzling to figure out.
Gert
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Hello Jay, am I reading about a Teller in a bank and she is wearing a white blouse that is too tight~~ makes the sliver threads holding the teller's blouse shreds and exposes her breast.
And then she gets embarrassed and her hands are trying to cover her breast and her rose bud nipples. So there she is exposed her arms are trying to cover herself as her legs are like sponges
Ah, how clever you are telling us about the barrel of a gun being covered by a folded mews paper. I take it that there wasn't any money when you wrote nothing is lost.
Jay my question why did you make your flash fiction cleverly puzzling to figure out.
Gert
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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It was experimental. As such, I wish I had left it in a folder on my desktop and not on FanStory.
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Jay, you are saying your post was
experimental. I ask why did you make your post experimental.
Gert
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It shouldn't have posted, Gert. That was my failing.
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Well Jay one at times fail, but I know will try again.
Actually I had fun trying to solve what your mixture of words were telling me
Gert
Comment from Dana Starr
I ain't the sharpest tack in the box. I had to read it twice because for some reason I got it in my mind that THE TELLER wasn't bank related but another way to say THE WRITER. Duh. I got it eventually. Well, most of it anyway. I applaud your effort.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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I ain't the sharpest tack in the box. I had to read it twice because for some reason I got it in my mind that THE TELLER wasn't bank related but another way to say THE WRITER. Duh. I got it eventually. Well, most of it anyway. I applaud your effort.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Thank you, Dana. It was experimental. As such I wish I had left it in a folder on my desktop and not on FanStory. But it's done.
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No No No No No. What good would it do to leave it in a folder on your desktop? It's very good and very clever. Also, I love different.
Comment from Patty Cicero
"Smile-corners twitch. Painted nails slip under the counter that separates them. Reading scrawled note: throat tightens. Black barrel taunts beneath his newspaper. Keep smiling."
*Very interesting work. Enjoyable read.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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"Smile-corners twitch. Painted nails slip under the counter that separates them. Reading scrawled note: throat tightens. Black barrel taunts beneath his newspaper. Keep smiling."
*Very interesting work. Enjoyable read.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Thank you, Patty. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
I can only guess at what you are delineating here and I am aware that I will possibly be wrong. He is contemplating robbing the bank and she knows it, but in that split second he retreats.
Ralf
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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I can only guess at what you are delineating here and I am aware that I will possibly be wrong. He is contemplating robbing the bank and she knows it, but in that split second he retreats.
Ralf
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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If you read it from the bottom up, all the way to the end (which is the beginning) and overlook the awkward backward walking, it becomes a fait accompli. It's the awkward parts (the transitioning and sequencing I mentioned in the afterword) that makes me wish I had left it in a folder on my desktop and not on FanStory.
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Okay!
Ralf
Comment from robyn corum
Jay,
Very cool. I didn't understand much until I got to the end. Then the lightbulb went off. I reread the piece again able to appreciate it much more. Cle-VER! Nicely done!
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Jay,
Very cool. I didn't understand much until I got to the end. Then the lightbulb went off. I reread the piece again able to appreciate it much more. Cle-VER! Nicely done!
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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A six coming from you, makes me smile, Robyn. It's been a long, long day of answering queries on the story. It was, yes, experimental. As such I wish I had left it in a folder on my desktop and not on FanStory. One reviewer interpreted it this way (It's a female, by the way):
"...am I reading about a Teller in a bank and she is wearing a white blouse that is too tight~~ makes the sliver threads holding the teller's blouse shreds and exposes her breast.
"And then she gets embarrassed and her hands are trying to cover her breast and her rose bud nipples. So there she is exposed her arms are trying to cover herself as her legs are like sponges
"Ah, how clever you are telling us about the barrel of a gun being covered by a folded mews paper."
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That is part of the fun!
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
I know you are a very talented writer and hope you are selling some of your work, although I know how hard that is to do. Once I read your explanation I did get it. I think the first paragraph caused most of my confusion. The pink panties are distracting. And maybe opening should be open.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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I know you are a very talented writer and hope you are selling some of your work, although I know how hard that is to do. Once I read your explanation I did get it. I think the first paragraph caused most of my confusion. The pink panties are distracting. And maybe opening should be open.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Thank you, Carol. It was, yes, experimental. As such I wish I had left it in a folder on my desktop and not on FanStory. But it's done. It's been a long day!
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Being bold isn't a bad thing.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Showtime, is it the beginning, or is it the end of all the grueling sweat and hours of seemingly endless preparation to place every person and, wobbly piece in ultimate position. . . . Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Showtime, is it the beginning, or is it the end of all the grueling sweat and hours of seemingly endless preparation to place every person and, wobbly piece in ultimate position. . . . Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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It's right in the middle. LOL. Thanks, Ric, for your kind support. This was an experiment. As such, I learned from it. But it should have stayed an experiment in a folder on my desktop. It should never have been posted on FanStory. Certainly not in a contest.
Comment from Leann DS
Is this about a bank robbery? If not, sorry. My daughter is a bank teller, and that's all that I get when I read this. can you say "paranoid mom? If that is not what this is about, I apologize, but I don't get it. LOL thanks for sharing. Hugs.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Is this about a bank robbery? If not, sorry. My daughter is a bank teller, and that's all that I get when I read this. can you say "paranoid mom? If that is not what this is about, I apologize, but I don't get it. LOL thanks for sharing. Hugs.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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No apology needed, Leann. Yes, its surface is about a bank robbery.
Comment from lancellot
Jay, I will be completely honest with you. No, this doesn't work. It is like the movie Tenet and that didn't work either. It is a good experiment idea, but I think three things hurt this experiment.
1) If written in natural order would this be a compelling story?
No: Nervous guys robs bank, and shoots Teller with pink panties. That's it. That's the entire story. Who is the guy? We don't know. Why is he robbing a bank? We don't know. Who is the Teller and why should we care she is dead? We don't know? Do they even have names or identities? No.
At the end of the day, it always come back to story.
2) It needs the author's notes: Without those many wouldn't understand what this is. Notes are supplemental. They should not be essential.
3) You cannot get honest results for your experiment unless it is Blind and cheap. (especially on FanStory). Plus: You are too popular for this. Sorry, but you are a victim of your own success. Your fans love you too much.
I'd honestly rate the written story (I read it backwards too) a four. The writing and editing is perfect, but the story plot and needed elements are absent.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Jay, I will be completely honest with you. No, this doesn't work. It is like the movie Tenet and that didn't work either. It is a good experiment idea, but I think three things hurt this experiment.
1) If written in natural order would this be a compelling story?
No: Nervous guys robs bank, and shoots Teller with pink panties. That's it. That's the entire story. Who is the guy? We don't know. Why is he robbing a bank? We don't know. Who is the Teller and why should we care she is dead? We don't know? Do they even have names or identities? No.
At the end of the day, it always come back to story.
2) It needs the author's notes: Without those many wouldn't understand what this is. Notes are supplemental. They should not be essential.
3) You cannot get honest results for your experiment unless it is Blind and cheap. (especially on FanStory). Plus: You are too popular for this. Sorry, but you are a victim of your own success. Your fans love you too much.
I'd honestly rate the written story (I read it backwards too) a four. The writing and editing is perfect, but the story plot and needed elements are absent.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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By God, you hit it on all points. Thank you, Lance. As an experiment, I needed it. The readers didn't. To be honest with you, I didn't care about the characters either. (I came closer to the bank Teller, because she had her moment of courage, and lost.)
Frankly, I learned a lot from my experiment. Transitions and sequencing are very very important. You can see the junctures easily by reversing them. But that should have been studied on "Word" not on FanStory.
Thank you for your honest, dear friend. Like the old "Fruit Juicy" commercial when the guy gets slapped, "Thanks, I needed that!"