Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Betrayal Chapter 17"In the title.
49 total reviews
Comment from rspoet
Hello Sandra.
Another excellent chapter for the novel. It seems Colin has descended into psychotic madness. There is no way he could ever hope to get away with this crime.
"He hit out, using his fist to thump her on the other side of her already battered face." This seems a little wordy to me. I'd simply suggest:
" He struck her on the other..."
The extent of her injuries; a broken arm, likely internal injuries from "whacking it down onto her stomach," and further strikes, has taken this
story into disturbed areas. It's no longer a light romantic encounter between Tania and Grant.
You seem to have a lot of psychotic men in your novels, from the murderous Sir John and his descendants, to the maniacal Colin Harding. At this rate you're going to be known as the Marchioness of Violence.
I see it's ranked number #1, so it resonates with readers on fanstory. LOL
Best wishes to all.
Hope you're feeling better.
Robert
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Hello Sandra.
Another excellent chapter for the novel. It seems Colin has descended into psychotic madness. There is no way he could ever hope to get away with this crime.
"He hit out, using his fist to thump her on the other side of her already battered face." This seems a little wordy to me. I'd simply suggest:
" He struck her on the other..."
The extent of her injuries; a broken arm, likely internal injuries from "whacking it down onto her stomach," and further strikes, has taken this
story into disturbed areas. It's no longer a light romantic encounter between Tania and Grant.
You seem to have a lot of psychotic men in your novels, from the murderous Sir John and his descendants, to the maniacal Colin Harding. At this rate you're going to be known as the Marchioness of Violence.
I see it's ranked number #1, so it resonates with readers on fanstory. LOL
Best wishes to all.
Hope you're feeling better.
Robert
Comment Written 18-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Hello Robert, thank you for another wonderful review and the helpful suggestion about the thump in the face. I've taken your suggestion and changed it. I do sometimes put more in than is necessary. lol. I had to laugh at my new name, LOL. you are funny.
In the beginning, this was not the way the story was going to go. But I picked up on reviews like yours and so many others, that I added another dimension, but made sure there was a road back to my original route. Which is..... Hmm, do you know? I think I've forgotten!! Lol.
Thank you so much for the sixth star, my friend, and the lovely review. I was pleasantly surprised to see it come up and #1, I thought it might not be received at all well. But I really has taken off. The next part is quite the opposite. :))
Thank you, my dear friend. As always, I appreciated your wonderful review. Warm hugs, from her Grace, the Marchioness of Violence. :)) LOL!!
Comment from Sanku
A chilling scene in which Colin overpowers Tania again.To think that he was once her boyfriend..Shudder. Very well written .I feel Grand is a bit laid back...Please help Tania ..quick
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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A chilling scene in which Colin overpowers Tania again.To think that he was once her boyfriend..Shudder. Very well written .I feel Grand is a bit laid back...Please help Tania ..quick
Comment Written 18-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Thank you so very much for the lovely award of six shiny stars, Sanku. I'm delighted you enjoyed this part. Grant comes into his own very shortly. You'll find nothing laid back in him then!! Lol. Thank you my friend. I loved your review. Warm hugs. Sandra xxx
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Sandra==congrats on your prize! Cheers. LIZ
Brutal! Chilling depiction of merciless would-be killer. One part that doesn't ring true is her surrendering to unconsciousness despite the agonizing pain of the broken arm and the hit to the stomach.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Sandra==congrats on your prize! Cheers. LIZ
Brutal! Chilling depiction of merciless would-be killer. One part that doesn't ring true is her surrendering to unconsciousness despite the agonizing pain of the broken arm and the hit to the stomach.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Hi Liz. I never thought of that! I had a look on Google and it said she would faint, but soon come out of it. But instead of messing about trying to make that work, I've taken the last paragraph out. It now ends Tania's part where she sees him taking rope out of his holdall. I don't know what I'd do without the FS reviewers pointing such things like that out. Thanks so much. And thanks for the lovely review. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from tfawcus
This is a real page-turner, Sandra. I like your technique of switching back and forward between Sandra's and Grant's POV. It accentuates the race against time. It'll be a lucky company that wins the film rights! LOL
Although it is clear what you mean here, I couldn't quite get rid of that niggling question of how she managed to inhale when she would have been bursting to exhale first!
With the sudden realisation she'd been holding her breath, Tania sucked in air between her dry lips, chilling her teeth and filling her lungs.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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This is a real page-turner, Sandra. I like your technique of switching back and forward between Sandra's and Grant's POV. It accentuates the race against time. It'll be a lucky company that wins the film rights! LOL
Although it is clear what you mean here, I couldn't quite get rid of that niggling question of how she managed to inhale when she would have been bursting to exhale first!
With the sudden realisation she'd been holding her breath, Tania sucked in air between her dry lips, chilling her teeth and filling her lungs.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Hi Tony, first off, thank you so much for the lovely review and the golden sixth star, I really appreciate that.
Now, I had to smile when I read your comment about her holding her breath, what an idiot I am not to sussed that out myself. What I was trying to convey was something I have a habit of doing. Many times my brain must notice I've not taken a breath for a while, and it sends out instructions (how else can I put that? Lol.) and I'm suddenly sucking in huge gulps of air. That's how I first realised how cold that is on your teeth. :)) What I've done now, is put...
Subconciously realising she hadn't taken a breath, Tania sucked in air between her dry lips...
How does that sound? I might have to work on it to get the right affect.
Your comment about the film rights, I've often remarked to my hubby that some of the amazing work I've read on here is so much better than some of the rubbishy TV films they put on the box. But it's like everything in life, you have to catch the right person's eye. I always thought your novel would make a great film. But, we'll stay in the background and no one will ever see the talent that has come to light on Fanstory. Thanks again, my friend, for the lovely review. Warm hugs. Sandra xx
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I think that revision covers it nicely.
I've just realised I inadvertently made you the heroine of your own story! Muddling names seems to be my speciality! LOL
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LOL, well I can't say anything because I do it a lot! It must be an age thing. I blame everything on that. LOL. Thanks again, Tony. :))
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Tania fought for her life and integrity as a lioness, and now she has a knight in shining armor that will rescue her and give her what she deserves. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Tania fought for her life and integrity as a lioness, and now she has a knight in shining armor that will rescue her and give her what she deserves. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Thank you, Iza, for another of your lovely reviews. I really love it that you are still enjoying my story. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from JudyE
I hope Colin realises he needs Tania alive for a little longer and doesn't kill her before Grant can come up with a query.
I do have a few suggestions:
To be able to give in to it; to lie on her soft, comfortable, feather bed, then pull up her duvet and disappear beneath it--What she would give to enjoy her one little bit of luxury right now. - Should 'what' be lower case? I always thought the phrase was 'What I/she/he wouldn't give' but maybe I'm wrong.
Regardless of whether she did give Colin her password, or didn't, she was not leaving here alive. - I might have said 'Regardless of whether or not she gave Colin her password, she was not leaving here alive.'
Silent tears began to escape from the full wells brimming in her eyes. - sorry but this sounds a bit too melodramatic to me. Tears can't be anything but silent so I'd delete 'silent' for starters. Maybe 'Tears welled in her eyes, before brimming over and streaming down her cheeks.'
With one more deep breath, she focused. Her attention on full alert - replace period with a comma
Leaving the bed, she moved quietly over to the wall, and flattening herself against it, she waited for the door to open. - comma after 'and'
Colin walked in; Tania swung her weapon, and, hitting him hard on the shoulder she managed to knock him off balance--but not over. - comma after 'shoulder'
An insane, chilling howl, erupted from Colin's mouth as he furiously turned on her. - delete comma after 'howl'. I might have said '... from Colin' and deleted 'mouth'
Then, whimpering softly, she made a last-ditch effort to stop him, and valiantly swung her weapon again. - delete 'Then'
Well, I've got news for you, it's not going to be me who dies today,' he snarled, grabbing a fist full of hair and raising the piece of wood ready to strike. - period, not comma, after 'you'
Grabbing hold of his arm, she battled to fend off the blow she knew would come if she didn't stop him. Using what little strength she had left, she continued to battle. - maybe replace second use of 'battle' with 'fight/resist'.
He knocked her hand out the way and with a madness that frightened her, he swung the table leg, smashing it against her arm. - comma after 'and'
She whimpered, raising her good arm up to protect herself as the wood came down again; she closed her eyes, waiting for unconsciousness to take her away. - delete 'up'. Period after 'again'
That's why I've asked you all back; he won't be going anywhere for awhile. Period after 'back'
I was a total idiot not have recognised that in the first place.' - should be '... not to have recognised...'
'So,' Grant said, his voice cracked like a whip, startling them. - period after 'said'
I don't want him to be where he's got her hidden away.' - there is an extra space after 'want'
Jeff cleared his throat, breaking the silence. 'And that's because...?' - there is an extra space at the start of this sentence
'The plan I've concocted is to phone him with a query. - there is an extra space at the start of this sentence
'Sounds like a plan to me,' Reg said. - there is an extra space at the start of this sentence
Hope you are recovering from your shingles.
Best wishes
Judy
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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I hope Colin realises he needs Tania alive for a little longer and doesn't kill her before Grant can come up with a query.
I do have a few suggestions:
To be able to give in to it; to lie on her soft, comfortable, feather bed, then pull up her duvet and disappear beneath it--What she would give to enjoy her one little bit of luxury right now. - Should 'what' be lower case? I always thought the phrase was 'What I/she/he wouldn't give' but maybe I'm wrong.
Regardless of whether she did give Colin her password, or didn't, she was not leaving here alive. - I might have said 'Regardless of whether or not she gave Colin her password, she was not leaving here alive.'
Silent tears began to escape from the full wells brimming in her eyes. - sorry but this sounds a bit too melodramatic to me. Tears can't be anything but silent so I'd delete 'silent' for starters. Maybe 'Tears welled in her eyes, before brimming over and streaming down her cheeks.'
With one more deep breath, she focused. Her attention on full alert - replace period with a comma
Leaving the bed, she moved quietly over to the wall, and flattening herself against it, she waited for the door to open. - comma after 'and'
Colin walked in; Tania swung her weapon, and, hitting him hard on the shoulder she managed to knock him off balance--but not over. - comma after 'shoulder'
An insane, chilling howl, erupted from Colin's mouth as he furiously turned on her. - delete comma after 'howl'. I might have said '... from Colin' and deleted 'mouth'
Then, whimpering softly, she made a last-ditch effort to stop him, and valiantly swung her weapon again. - delete 'Then'
Well, I've got news for you, it's not going to be me who dies today,' he snarled, grabbing a fist full of hair and raising the piece of wood ready to strike. - period, not comma, after 'you'
Grabbing hold of his arm, she battled to fend off the blow she knew would come if she didn't stop him. Using what little strength she had left, she continued to battle. - maybe replace second use of 'battle' with 'fight/resist'.
He knocked her hand out the way and with a madness that frightened her, he swung the table leg, smashing it against her arm. - comma after 'and'
She whimpered, raising her good arm up to protect herself as the wood came down again; she closed her eyes, waiting for unconsciousness to take her away. - delete 'up'. Period after 'again'
That's why I've asked you all back; he won't be going anywhere for awhile. Period after 'back'
I was a total idiot not have recognised that in the first place.' - should be '... not to have recognised...'
'So,' Grant said, his voice cracked like a whip, startling them. - period after 'said'
I don't want him to be where he's got her hidden away.' - there is an extra space after 'want'
Jeff cleared his throat, breaking the silence. 'And that's because...?' - there is an extra space at the start of this sentence
'The plan I've concocted is to phone him with a query. - there is an extra space at the start of this sentence
'Sounds like a plan to me,' Reg said. - there is an extra space at the start of this sentence
Hope you are recovering from your shingles.
Best wishes
Judy
Comment Written 17-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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HI Judy, thank you so very much for all this. After reading your comments on a few of the paragraphs, (silent tears! DUH!!) I've changed them completely. I don't know why I don't see those myself! They are so obvious. :(
The shingles have spread, coming further up. I've gone back to the 50s again, burning my bra! It's awful. I'd rather go through childbirth, at least it was over faster than this. Thanks again, my friend for the time you've put into this review. I really have appreciated it. Warm hugs. Sandra xxx
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I'm so sorry about the shingles. My friend was hospitalised for several weeks when she had them. I'm also sorry you had to change some of the paragraphs. I hope you thought it was worth it. I can't wait to hear what happens.
Take care and I do hope you get well again soon.
Judy
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Oh, I'm just so thankful you pointed them out! And all the other errors. I'm a lot happier with this chapter now. :)
Hospital is out of the question here, they are totally full with Covid Virus patients. I wouldn't go in even if a bed was offered at the moment. You would never believe how painful shingles is! I'll be having an injection to ward them off once this lot has gone. I've had it twice now. Thanks for your concern, Judy. :)) xx
Comment from aryr
Once again, this is a great continuation chapter Sandra. Poor Tania, she is suffering so much at the hands of Colin. She has armed herself but she is no match for Colin. What else can he do to her? Grant has indeed settled on a plan but needs truly to think of great question. Well done, very much enjoyed. Hugs, smiles and blessings.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Once again, this is a great continuation chapter Sandra. Poor Tania, she is suffering so much at the hands of Colin. She has armed herself but she is no match for Colin. What else can he do to her? Grant has indeed settled on a plan but needs truly to think of great question. Well done, very much enjoyed. Hugs, smiles and blessings.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Thank you again, Alie! I'm not sure who is coming up with the all important question, but whoever it is really should hurry up. I'm glad you are still enjoying this story, my friend. Warm hugs, love Sandra xx
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You are so very welcome Sandra, it is very suspenseful and enjoyable. How is the shingles pain? Hugs, smiles and blessings.
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Shingles are spreading, but the new ones aren't quite so painful. Thank you so much for asking, Alie, that was so kind of you. Sending a big VIRTUAL hug back! Lol.
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MMM caught the hug, thanks. Well at least the pain is better control. Sending prayers and thoughts. Blessings.
Comment from royowen
I don't see how Tania can escape her own demise, it would've nice to have her stop Colin short, but that was not to be, I've never understood people like him, now that Grant is discovering that Grant is a waster, and it was all Tania. Beautifully written Sandra, blessings Roy
Typo : I'm a total idiot (to) have not
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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I don't see how Tania can escape her own demise, it would've nice to have her stop Colin short, but that was not to be, I've never understood people like him, now that Grant is discovering that Grant is a waster, and it was all Tania. Beautifully written Sandra, blessings Roy
Typo : I'm a total idiot (to) have not
Comment Written 17-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Thank you for finding that missing word, Roy! I can edit hundreds of times and still miss my errors. Thank you also for another lovely review. I'm with you on not understanding people like Colin, but there are so many out there and many ladies on here have stories of their own like this. I've been so lucky. Warm hugs, my dear friend. Sandra xxx
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They do
Comment from Chrissy710
Ooh Sandra. Go rescue Tania I know I know it will happen soon LOL Goood story and now waiting for next chapter Like everyone else
Cheers Chris ( goo on rescue her ha ha)
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Ooh Sandra. Go rescue Tania I know I know it will happen soon LOL Goood story and now waiting for next chapter Like everyone else
Cheers Chris ( goo on rescue her ha ha)
Comment Written 17-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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LOL! Thank you so much, Chris, I love it that you are enjoying this book. Things are in motion, but Grant has to come up with that all important question, and fast! Thank you, my friend, for that lovely 6th star, and wonderful review. You always put a smile on my face. Warm hugs, Sandra xxxx
Comment from RGstar
Thought I would look in Sandra...
I read cautiously the first quarter, feeling out its direction, not familiar, then...it exploded into action. Solid writing, probably more deserving than the five I gave, but as you know we are limited...yet, it is the content that matters, and I really enjoyed the action. Good writing.
Wishing you a good day.
Best wishes.
RGstar
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Thought I would look in Sandra...
I read cautiously the first quarter, feeling out its direction, not familiar, then...it exploded into action. Solid writing, probably more deserving than the five I gave, but as you know we are limited...yet, it is the content that matters, and I really enjoyed the action. Good writing.
Wishing you a good day.
Best wishes.
RGstar
Comment Written 17-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Hello, RG, thank you so much for dropping in to read this chapter. I really appreciate that. The fact that you thought it might deserve more than a 5, is in itself the important factor. I know I still have a lot more to learn when it comes to prose, but I am enjoying learning from everyone on here. Thank you again, my friend. Warmest hugs. Sandra xxx