More Grist to the Mill
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "A Trip to Ludlow 1925"Book 2 of the Cleeborough Mill Trilogy
38 total reviews
Comment from RetroStarfish
What a wonderful chapter - the plot moves forward, intrigue is increased, and it is a good mix of dialogue and exposition. Beautiful exposition, I might add:
"The windscreen wiper flopped steadily from side to side...
blurred, not so much by the speed of his passing, as by wraiths of thick mist ... Reds, browns and cream-coloured stonework sprang to life as the grey curtain drew back..."
Well done.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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What a wonderful chapter - the plot moves forward, intrigue is increased, and it is a good mix of dialogue and exposition. Beautiful exposition, I might add:
"The windscreen wiper flopped steadily from side to side...
blurred, not so much by the speed of his passing, as by wraiths of thick mist ... Reds, browns and cream-coloured stonework sprang to life as the grey curtain drew back..."
Well done.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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I am so pleased you liked this. Thanks so much for reviewing
Comment from greyson ernst
this is really good nice job and the picture is also perfect and once again nice poem and as always keep writing and stay safe
sincerely Greyson Ernst
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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this is really good nice job and the picture is also perfect and once again nice poem and as always keep writing and stay safe
sincerely Greyson Ernst
Comment Written 07-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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Many thanks for your kind review.
Comment from LisaMay
Generally I found your chapter interesting as aspects developed, but for me it is happening at a rather slow pace (apart from the Sunbeam's descent, and the sunbeams and shadows playing across hillsides.)
It feels like a book to be read on a winter's night curled comfortably on the sofa by the fire, when I can savour your evocative descriptive passages. But it is summer here and I am restless. I think some of the sentences could be pruned of some detail without losing the flavour.
'Sorry, Peter, doesn't mean anything to me, but the marriage will be in the register, so I can check it out tomorrow.' (Using 'check it out' sounded somewhat modern usage to me. Maybe just say 'check it tomorrow'?)
Allen got to his feet and stretched himself. ('himself' is unnecessary. Who else would he stretch?)
what secrets are held in those dusty registers of yours(add comma) eh?'
There are various places where I'd put a comma in where you haven't, but punctuation is a rather personal matter, I feel. (you probably wouldn't have put a comma between 'matter' and 'I feel' for instance.)
and strode the few yards up the hill to The Talbot Hotel. (Is it right next door? That is a very short distance.)
"Even from this point, somewhat below the summit, the view was every bit as magnificent as Charles Thorpe had promised it would be."
Earlier in the paragraph you've already established his location relative to the summit, so I feel the sentence could be pruned to read: "From this point the view was every bit as magnificent as Charles Thorpe had promised it would be."
The crooked steeple of St Mary's church was suddenly illuminated by the sun, as if a spotlight had been turned onto it.
The crooked steeple sentence has a graphic image that links well with the follow-up sentence containing "throw some light on the darkest recesses", but as you have used illuminated, illuminating, and illumination within a short space of each other, perhaps the first part could be modified to read:
The crooked steeple of St Mary's church was suddenly spotlit by the sun.
Allen had no way of knowing at that time that those glistening pin-points of light,..
Suggestion: with a couple of "that's" in close proximity, perhaps this piece could be rearranged thus:
At that time, Allen had no way of knowing that those glistening pin-points of light, (in fact, the second 'that' could be deleted. A knowledgeable editor once told me that 'that' is one of those words that is over-used.)
Your chapter ended on a clever note of intrigue with the Gordian Knot motif.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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Generally I found your chapter interesting as aspects developed, but for me it is happening at a rather slow pace (apart from the Sunbeam's descent, and the sunbeams and shadows playing across hillsides.)
It feels like a book to be read on a winter's night curled comfortably on the sofa by the fire, when I can savour your evocative descriptive passages. But it is summer here and I am restless. I think some of the sentences could be pruned of some detail without losing the flavour.
'Sorry, Peter, doesn't mean anything to me, but the marriage will be in the register, so I can check it out tomorrow.' (Using 'check it out' sounded somewhat modern usage to me. Maybe just say 'check it tomorrow'?)
Allen got to his feet and stretched himself. ('himself' is unnecessary. Who else would he stretch?)
what secrets are held in those dusty registers of yours(add comma) eh?'
There are various places where I'd put a comma in where you haven't, but punctuation is a rather personal matter, I feel. (you probably wouldn't have put a comma between 'matter' and 'I feel' for instance.)
and strode the few yards up the hill to The Talbot Hotel. (Is it right next door? That is a very short distance.)
"Even from this point, somewhat below the summit, the view was every bit as magnificent as Charles Thorpe had promised it would be."
Earlier in the paragraph you've already established his location relative to the summit, so I feel the sentence could be pruned to read: "From this point the view was every bit as magnificent as Charles Thorpe had promised it would be."
The crooked steeple of St Mary's church was suddenly illuminated by the sun, as if a spotlight had been turned onto it.
The crooked steeple sentence has a graphic image that links well with the follow-up sentence containing "throw some light on the darkest recesses", but as you have used illuminated, illuminating, and illumination within a short space of each other, perhaps the first part could be modified to read:
The crooked steeple of St Mary's church was suddenly spotlit by the sun.
Allen had no way of knowing at that time that those glistening pin-points of light,..
Suggestion: with a couple of "that's" in close proximity, perhaps this piece could be rearranged thus:
At that time, Allen had no way of knowing that those glistening pin-points of light, (in fact, the second 'that' could be deleted. A knowledgeable editor once told me that 'that' is one of those words that is over-used.)
Your chapter ended on a clever note of intrigue with the Gordian Knot motif.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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Thank you so much for this detailed and painstaking review. I'm afraid i cannot help it that you are basking in sunshine while I am freezing in the northern hemisphere, but I have taken your points on board and made a few alterations. There was certainly too much 'illumination' going on, but you will probably feel you still want to wait for winter before continuing.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
I enjoy this story so much. I also learn about the area, get to see great sites through the eyes of others, and I am in the setting of the early 1900s.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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I enjoy this story so much. I also learn about the area, get to see great sites through the eyes of others, and I am in the setting of the early 1900s.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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Thank you so much for this encouraging review.
Comment from nomi338
I have so many questions. Did Tom Warburton intend to give the impression that he was somehow responsible for Hettie Mansfield's death? Feeling that he would never be able to wed Heather, did he leave under such a cloud that forgetting about him would be easier for her? I look forward to finding the answers to some of my questions.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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I have so many questions. Did Tom Warburton intend to give the impression that he was somehow responsible for Hettie Mansfield's death? Feeling that he would never be able to wed Heather, did he leave under such a cloud that forgetting about him would be easier for her? I look forward to finding the answers to some of my questions.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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I think the answers to your questions will gradually be revealed as we go on. Many thanks for another lovely review.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Wow, my fears come true they both decided to be reunited in death, if in life was not possible: "there seemed little doubt in his mind now, that the arrival of Thomas Warburton at the regimental depot of The Mercian Rifles, was closely linked to the death of Hettie Mansfield. The precise nature of that link, however, remained obscure for the time being." Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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Wow, my fears come true they both decided to be reunited in death, if in life was not possible: "there seemed little doubt in his mind now, that the arrival of Thomas Warburton at the regimental depot of The Mercian Rifles, was closely linked to the death of Hettie Mansfield. The precise nature of that link, however, remained obscure for the time being." Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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Thank you for yet another glowing review.
Comment from lyenochka
You took us on quite a scenic tour. But Allen has no idea of the hornet's nest that he's digging into with trying to give the medals to the Heather. If only Tom W. didn't give up so easily. Perhaps he was influenced by Hettie's suicide. He would have made a much better husband for Heather as Tommy B's heart was given to Hettie. It is a "Gordian knot!"
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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You took us on quite a scenic tour. But Allen has no idea of the hornet's nest that he's digging into with trying to give the medals to the Heather. If only Tom W. didn't give up so easily. Perhaps he was influenced by Hettie's suicide. He would have made a much better husband for Heather as Tommy B's heart was given to Hettie. It is a "Gordian knot!"
Comment Written 06-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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Hopefully the Gordian Knot will unravel as time goes on. Many thanks for this encouraging review.
Comment from Cass Carlton
This chapter has brought back so many memories. The shadows chasing over the landscape was something I used to watch from the back door of one of the houses lived in when I was a child. I would sometimes go walking and find myself farther from home than I had intended and look around me with anxious eyes for a familiar landmark. Somehow I always found my way home without harm, although I think my guardian angel sat down for a rest once I was safely home again. The dinner at the Manse was a delightful interlude, filling the two men with a sense of friendship and camaraderie. They look to become firm friends in the future.
I would say that you have a more than touching acquaintance
with the motor car in question. It doesn't run like any modern day car, although it does seem to be luxurious and elegant for 1925.Full marks for this chapter Jim, lots to read and enjoy. cheers Cass
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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This chapter has brought back so many memories. The shadows chasing over the landscape was something I used to watch from the back door of one of the houses lived in when I was a child. I would sometimes go walking and find myself farther from home than I had intended and look around me with anxious eyes for a familiar landmark. Somehow I always found my way home without harm, although I think my guardian angel sat down for a rest once I was safely home again. The dinner at the Manse was a delightful interlude, filling the two men with a sense of friendship and camaraderie. They look to become firm friends in the future.
I would say that you have a more than touching acquaintance
with the motor car in question. It doesn't run like any modern day car, although it does seem to be luxurious and elegant for 1925.Full marks for this chapter Jim, lots to read and enjoy. cheers Cass
Comment Written 06-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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Many thanks for this supportive review. It was much appreciated. It is good to know I was not the only one impressed by sunlight's sweep across the landscape.
Comment from JudyE
There is some very effective description in the latter parts of this chapter. I love the illustration you've chosen too.
I picked up a few points:
'A strange coincidence!' agreed Allen. 'But the next of kin's name wasn't Bache. No it definitely wasn't Bache.' - comma after 'no'.
Not only that, but your man's next of kin might have been employed in a live-in capacity at Jericho. It's a big place. Was it a he or a she, this next of kin?' - Should 'next of kin' be hyphenated? My gut feeling is that it should be in the first instance here but not the second but that makes no sense.
'Damn it! It was Heather!' exclaimed Allen. 'I'm sure of it, yes definitely a Heather! Heather Johnson - no, Jolley - something like that, yes that's it - Joliffe. - commas after 'yes' in both cases.
'Certainly I will, Peter, tomorrow without fail. - replace comma with a period?
'Thanks Charles, but not for me.' - comma after 'Thanks'
and you can let me know what secrets are held in those dusty registers of yours eh?' - comma after 'yours'
In fact I took this little break now, because I have a case coming up in Shrewsbury next week. Tell me Charles, does Cleeborough rate its own coroner?' - commas after 'fact' and maybe 'me'?
'Dear me no!' replied the rector. - comma after 'me'
He was able to make arrangements with the waiter who served him, for his dinner with the clergyman that evening. - I might have deleted 'who served him'
With decreasing speed the Sunbeam ground up Hopton Bank towards the summit of Titterstone Clee. - comma after 'speed'
The sunlight climbed the gradient, chasing the retreating clouds, while illuminating a verdant pasture here, and a newly cut stubble there. - I might have said '.... while here and there illuminating a verdant pasture or a newly cut stubble.' It's just a personal preference.
It swept across a group of farm buildings, which changed, under its influence, from a dull, sepia-hued settlement, to a brilliantly lit sparkling castle. - hyphenate 'brilliantly lit'?
Allen had no way of knowing at that time that those glistening pin-points of light, - commas round 'at that time'?
Best wishes
Judy
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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There is some very effective description in the latter parts of this chapter. I love the illustration you've chosen too.
I picked up a few points:
'A strange coincidence!' agreed Allen. 'But the next of kin's name wasn't Bache. No it definitely wasn't Bache.' - comma after 'no'.
Not only that, but your man's next of kin might have been employed in a live-in capacity at Jericho. It's a big place. Was it a he or a she, this next of kin?' - Should 'next of kin' be hyphenated? My gut feeling is that it should be in the first instance here but not the second but that makes no sense.
'Damn it! It was Heather!' exclaimed Allen. 'I'm sure of it, yes definitely a Heather! Heather Johnson - no, Jolley - something like that, yes that's it - Joliffe. - commas after 'yes' in both cases.
'Certainly I will, Peter, tomorrow without fail. - replace comma with a period?
'Thanks Charles, but not for me.' - comma after 'Thanks'
and you can let me know what secrets are held in those dusty registers of yours eh?' - comma after 'yours'
In fact I took this little break now, because I have a case coming up in Shrewsbury next week. Tell me Charles, does Cleeborough rate its own coroner?' - commas after 'fact' and maybe 'me'?
'Dear me no!' replied the rector. - comma after 'me'
He was able to make arrangements with the waiter who served him, for his dinner with the clergyman that evening. - I might have deleted 'who served him'
With decreasing speed the Sunbeam ground up Hopton Bank towards the summit of Titterstone Clee. - comma after 'speed'
The sunlight climbed the gradient, chasing the retreating clouds, while illuminating a verdant pasture here, and a newly cut stubble there. - I might have said '.... while here and there illuminating a verdant pasture or a newly cut stubble.' It's just a personal preference.
It swept across a group of farm buildings, which changed, under its influence, from a dull, sepia-hued settlement, to a brilliantly lit sparkling castle. - hyphenate 'brilliantly lit'?
Allen had no way of knowing at that time that those glistening pin-points of light, - commas round 'at that time'?
Best wishes
Judy
Comment Written 06-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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Many thanks for your usual close attention. It was, as always, much appreciated and acted on.
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No worries. I don't usually go back and reread the chapter but for some reason, I did this time and found a spelling mistake. Sorry. :(( Can't help myself!
they leapt into life under its influece. - influence
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Thanks for that. I made so many changes to this so I am not surprised.
Comment from Goodadvicechan
I like the detailed description how Allen drove the car from the hill top to reach Ludlow...The author is good in detailed description of events.
This chapter ends well with "Neither was he aware that the fate of his enquiries, both now and in the future, would be bound up in a Gordian Knot around the very buildings that now filled his gaze."
Would like to know what next...
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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I like the detailed description how Allen drove the car from the hill top to reach Ludlow...The author is good in detailed description of events.
This chapter ends well with "Neither was he aware that the fate of his enquiries, both now and in the future, would be bound up in a Gordian Knot around the very buildings that now filled his gaze."
Would like to know what next...
Comment Written 06-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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Many thanks for your continued interest and reviews.