Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Betrayal Chapter 12"In the title.
40 total reviews
Comment from JudyE
It was a pleasure to read this. It's a great story.
Just a few points:
A heavy silence filled the room. Both with their own thoughts. - I don't think there should be a period after 'room'. Maybe a comma. Or perhaps ' A heavy silence filled the room, while both were busy with their own thoughts.'
It was so quiet, when Grant pushed his chair back and stood up, Monica gave a startled gasp. - I might have said 'It was so quiet that, when Grant pushed his chair back...'
'Sorry. Would you like a coffee?' he asked as he went over to the cabinet where coffee was. - comma after 'asked' and maybe '..as he went over to the coffee machine. Not fussed about 'where coffee was'
Back at his desk, he cradled his cup in his hands and took a sip. 'I bought two of his designs, which were perfect for my overseas projects, and some others for some smaller projects. I've now got a horrible suspicion they all belonged to Tania, not Colin?' - is the question mark intentional here?
Just revealing that piece of information made Grant feel he'd be judged as an accessory. Although he wasn't bothered about what people thought about him, for some reason he didn't want Monica to get the wrong impression. - maybe 'Although he wasn't bothered about what others thought of him, for some reason...'
When you stopped paying his debts he needed another source of income. - comma after 'debts'
Although he could understand Monica's suspicions, the mere suggestion he was in collusion with his half-brother, boiled his blood. - delete comma after 'brother'. And I might have said 'made his blood boil'.
'I should have known better, but all I could see were these plans in front of me which were exactly what I wanted, and more.' - comma after 'me'
Grant's voice trailed away for a moment. 'Knowing what a lazy, good-for-nothing so and so, he is, I should have realised it didn't add up. - maybe hyphenate 'so and so ' and delete comma after 'so'
He looked down blindly at the papers on his desk. Tapping his finger on the edge. - I would rearrange this: 'Tapping his finger on the edge of his desk, he looked down blindly at the papers on it.
Keep 'em coming!
Cheers
Judy
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2020
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It was a pleasure to read this. It's a great story.
Just a few points:
A heavy silence filled the room. Both with their own thoughts. - I don't think there should be a period after 'room'. Maybe a comma. Or perhaps ' A heavy silence filled the room, while both were busy with their own thoughts.'
It was so quiet, when Grant pushed his chair back and stood up, Monica gave a startled gasp. - I might have said 'It was so quiet that, when Grant pushed his chair back...'
'Sorry. Would you like a coffee?' he asked as he went over to the cabinet where coffee was. - comma after 'asked' and maybe '..as he went over to the coffee machine. Not fussed about 'where coffee was'
Back at his desk, he cradled his cup in his hands and took a sip. 'I bought two of his designs, which were perfect for my overseas projects, and some others for some smaller projects. I've now got a horrible suspicion they all belonged to Tania, not Colin?' - is the question mark intentional here?
Just revealing that piece of information made Grant feel he'd be judged as an accessory. Although he wasn't bothered about what people thought about him, for some reason he didn't want Monica to get the wrong impression. - maybe 'Although he wasn't bothered about what others thought of him, for some reason...'
When you stopped paying his debts he needed another source of income. - comma after 'debts'
Although he could understand Monica's suspicions, the mere suggestion he was in collusion with his half-brother, boiled his blood. - delete comma after 'brother'. And I might have said 'made his blood boil'.
'I should have known better, but all I could see were these plans in front of me which were exactly what I wanted, and more.' - comma after 'me'
Grant's voice trailed away for a moment. 'Knowing what a lazy, good-for-nothing so and so, he is, I should have realised it didn't add up. - maybe hyphenate 'so and so ' and delete comma after 'so'
He looked down blindly at the papers on his desk. Tapping his finger on the edge. - I would rearrange this: 'Tapping his finger on the edge of his desk, he looked down blindly at the papers on it.
Keep 'em coming!
Cheers
Judy
Comment Written 13-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2020
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Thank you so much for another lovely, helpful review, Judy. There was also some excellent suggestions here, which I'm gong to use. :)) I've double checked the so-and-so, and found some dictionaries do hyphenate, and others don't. I will, though, thanks for that.
It's so nice to know you enjoy reading this story, Judy. The tempo is going to go up a few notches now. :)) Warm hugs, my friend. Sandra xx
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Glad to be of help. :)
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
You tell a good story and I enjoyed reading this next part of your book. I do have one question about U.K. vs U.S. grammar rules. In the US generally what a person thinks is in the same paragraph as what they then go ahead and say. It is a good way to mark it as that person's words so you don't have to denote the speaker with the word--said. I notice you don't do that. Monica seems to be a much milder person than I but his saying she has a "gripe" would make me yell. I think "anger" or "fury" would fit it better. Best of luck with this and look forward to reading the next section.
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2020
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You tell a good story and I enjoyed reading this next part of your book. I do have one question about U.K. vs U.S. grammar rules. In the US generally what a person thinks is in the same paragraph as what they then go ahead and say. It is a good way to mark it as that person's words so you don't have to denote the speaker with the word--said. I notice you don't do that. Monica seems to be a much milder person than I but his saying she has a "gripe" would make me yell. I think "anger" or "fury" would fit it better. Best of luck with this and look forward to reading the next section.
Comment Written 13-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2020
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Hi Carol, thank you for your continued support and lovely review. We do have many differences with grammar rules and spellings. I imagine when well-known authors in your country and mine, hand their manuscripts over, the grammar is changed by the publishers to suit both countries. As it is, I write in UK English and won't change.
The expressing of thoughts isn't always followed by the spoken word, even though most of mine are in this part, a lot of the time the thoughts are kept to themselves. At least, that's how it is in the books I read, US and UK. All my books have been published this way.
Having a gripe is to have a moan, a grievance, she wasn't angry at that point, her anger was adequately expressed in the last part. She was just telling Grant what had been happening between Tania and Colin.
I hope this explains some of our differences, I know it can be off-putting at times, as I have the same problem reading my friends novels on here.
I'm hoping to read more of your reviews. :)) Warm hugs, Sandra xx
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You shouldn't change your style to U.S. because you might be printed in U.K. Just wasn't sure about some of the rules as they were drastically different when I bought paperbacks in London many years ago.
Comment from Ben Colder
Sandy, this is unfolding nicely. Filled with suspense and now I wish to read what happens to the scum bag who steal this girls property. Hidden romance coming.
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2020
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Sandy, this is unfolding nicely. Filled with suspense and now I wish to read what happens to the scum bag who steal this girls property. Hidden romance coming.
Comment Written 13-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2020
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Bless you, Chuck! You are such a lovely reviewer, I really love reading them. Thank you so much for the six stars, my dear friend. Sending you a big hug! :)) Sandy. xxxx
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
What a great mystery that has me sitting on edge. The conversations are very real and natural. I am so worried about Tania, poor girl!
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2020
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What a great mystery that has me sitting on edge. The conversations are very real and natural. I am so worried about Tania, poor girl!
Comment Written 13-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2020
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Thank you, Rebecca! The search begins in the next part. I'm so pleased you are enjoying the story. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hello Sandra.
There is a lot to be learned in this chapter. Grant is partially responsible in my evaluation. He was aware of Colin's behavior. We often fall into a trap of accepting bad behavior from people close to us that we would never allow from a stranger or casual friend. Maybe that is why people get mad at me. I view everyone through the same lens... even me. Uh Oh...
Robert
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2020
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Hello Sandra.
There is a lot to be learned in this chapter. Grant is partially responsible in my evaluation. He was aware of Colin's behavior. We often fall into a trap of accepting bad behavior from people close to us that we would never allow from a stranger or casual friend. Maybe that is why people get mad at me. I view everyone through the same lens... even me. Uh Oh...
Robert
Comment Written 13-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2020
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You are right, and Grant also knows it. Now he has to do something about this. Thank you so much for this lovely review, my friend, I really do enjoy your company as I go through the chapters. Warm hugs and love, Sandra xx
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Hi Sandra.
You are very welcome.
Robert
Comment from Jay Squires
Your story is progressing nicely. It's good to have a tenacious friend like Monica. There is one thing I want to call to your attention, Sandra. I've noticed it before but hesitated to mention it because it seemed trivial. But it's happening enough that I know you'd want me to mention it. I've noticed you have characters showing their concern by biting, gnawing, or chewing on their lower lip. I've seen other writers using that emotional indicator enough to realize that it has become a rather stock strategy.
Everything else sparkles.
Jay
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2020
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Your story is progressing nicely. It's good to have a tenacious friend like Monica. There is one thing I want to call to your attention, Sandra. I've noticed it before but hesitated to mention it because it seemed trivial. But it's happening enough that I know you'd want me to mention it. I've noticed you have characters showing their concern by biting, gnawing, or chewing on their lower lip. I've seen other writers using that emotional indicator enough to realize that it has become a rather stock strategy.
Everything else sparkles.
Jay
Comment Written 13-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2020
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Thanks, Jay. I've removed that part altogether. It's weird, but after reading what you said, I've noticed other authors here putting in those exact words. I'm going through the previous 11 chapters and get rid of any others. I'm glad you picked me up on it. Thank you so much for reviewing, my friend. Warm hugs, Sandra xx
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I've found myself falling into similar emotional indicators and try to eliminate them.
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Good plan! :)
Comment from aryr
Again an amazing continuation chapter, Sandra. Well at least Grant and Monica are communicating and have been as honest as possible with each other. Both now have information that neither had been privy to. I am sure that between the both of them, Tania will be found and Colin will pay the price. Well done, smiles, hugs and blessings.
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2020
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Again an amazing continuation chapter, Sandra. Well at least Grant and Monica are communicating and have been as honest as possible with each other. Both now have information that neither had been privy to. I am sure that between the both of them, Tania will be found and Colin will pay the price. Well done, smiles, hugs and blessings.
Comment Written 13-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2020
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Dear Alie, thank you! You always brighten my day and put a smile on my face. I'm so pleased you are enjoying my story, you've been nice with your reviews. Thank you. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
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You are so welcome Sandra, I enjoy the adventures of Tania, keep on writing, blessings, hugs and smiles.
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
This is certainly an interesting story. The revelations that Monica is bringing to Grant are enough to stun him into recognizing who the thief really is. I'm hoping the next move will be success in finding her.
Ralf
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2020
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This is certainly an interesting story. The revelations that Monica is bringing to Grant are enough to stun him into recognizing who the thief really is. I'm hoping the next move will be success in finding her.
Ralf
Comment Written 13-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2020
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The search is going to begin in the next part, Ralf, now Grant knows what's happened. Thank you for your lovely support, my friend, and the wonderful review. Warm hugs. :)) Sandra xx
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It is such an interesting story, Sandra.
Good thinking here.
Ralf
Comment from royowen
So, it's becoming obvious to Grant that his half brother is nothing more than a crook. So I think that what he wasn't prepared to take on board is changing now. I wonder what he'll do now? With Monica as a stalwart friend and surrogate sister to Tania, things are getting exciting, well done Sandra, another exciting episode, blessings Roy
Typo : I always felt he('d) drawn...
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2020
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So, it's becoming obvious to Grant that his half brother is nothing more than a crook. So I think that what he wasn't prepared to take on board is changing now. I wonder what he'll do now? With Monica as a stalwart friend and surrogate sister to Tania, things are getting exciting, well done Sandra, another exciting episode, blessings Roy
Typo : I always felt he('d) drawn...
Comment Written 13-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2020
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Thank you for picking up on that error, Roy, I always manage to get something wrong! Lol. I immediately went back and corrected it. Now Grant and Monica know what's been happening, things should start moving. Thank you, my friend, for the lovely review. Warm hugs and lots of love, Sandra xxx
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Well done Sandra,
Comment from BethShelby
Grant now knows the plans were Tania's but where would he have taken her. If it hadn't been for Monica and her idea to contact Grant no one would be trying to get answers now They wouldn't have realized she was missing. I'm enjoying this story. I look forward to more.
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2020
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Grant now knows the plans were Tania's but where would he have taken her. If it hadn't been for Monica and her idea to contact Grant no one would be trying to get answers now They wouldn't have realized she was missing. I'm enjoying this story. I look forward to more.
Comment Written 13-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2020
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Yes, now Grant knows, he wants to find Tania and help Monica. Thank you so much for this lovely review, my dear friend. I'm delighted you are still enjoying my story. Warm hugs! :)) Sandra xxx