Traffic
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "The Hill"With their call stalled, Liz & Linda begin walking
11 total reviews
Comment from thorney
Hi there Liz.
A engrossing, interesting chapter with lots happening. I liked what I read.
However, I did find the first couple of paragraphs a little confusing.
I've given them a slightly differ look that you might want to consider (or not)
After having interrupted Velvet Dove, Eyes of the Owl began to express her concern. She pressed the point there needed to be an assurance the creeps chased all the way up the hill - giving everyone time enough to get to safety.
Everyone agreed she had a valid worry the rifle carriers might only run partway up the hill, come back down and emerge from the tree line. Their concerns were, they would be discovered running toward the cave. The ruse would be wrecked, and even Linda and Liz would be prisoners.
She noted must be no one had opened the backroom door where they were being held. -- I think you got two sentences mixed up here
Well done, and keep writing.
Regards Pete.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2020
  |
Hi there Liz.
A engrossing, interesting chapter with lots happening. I liked what I read.
However, I did find the first couple of paragraphs a little confusing.
I've given them a slightly differ look that you might want to consider (or not)
After having interrupted Velvet Dove, Eyes of the Owl began to express her concern. She pressed the point there needed to be an assurance the creeps chased all the way up the hill - giving everyone time enough to get to safety.
Everyone agreed she had a valid worry the rifle carriers might only run partway up the hill, come back down and emerge from the tree line. Their concerns were, they would be discovered running toward the cave. The ruse would be wrecked, and even Linda and Liz would be prisoners.
She noted must be no one had opened the backroom door where they were being held. -- I think you got two sentences mixed up here
Well done, and keep writing.
Regards Pete.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2020
-
Maybe I should write "where they had been held." or "where they had been being held" Maybe being is overkill??
Thank you for your constructive review.